My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

We used to call our Grandad 'Spiderman', not because of his agility or that he was a superhero...

It's because he couldn't get out the bath by himself.

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My grandad used to say: "There is always room at the top."

Great guy.

Terrible at hiding Jews, though.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

My grandad was recently taken ill

My grandad was recently taken ill, so we took him to hospital. He seemed ok for the first 3 days, but on day 3 they covered his entire back in lard. He began to go down hill really quickly after that.

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

My grandad always said “be upfront with people”

Great man.

Terrible goalkeeper.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

My grandad was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

Guy goes to a clinic to sell sperm...

(This one has a physical punchline that doesn't work well with text, but it was the first dirty joke my grandad ever told me, so I wanted to share)

A man sells his sperm at a clinic Afterward he meets a woman in the elevator, going down.

She says, "What are you here for? I've just so...

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

I can still remember my Grandads last words to me before he kicked the bucket

“How far you think I can kick this bucket”

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words

“Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad

Not screaming like the passengers in his car

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Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

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I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

When my Grandad fell seriously ill we covered his back in lard.

He went downhill rapidly after that.

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

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One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"

The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno
mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a
naked woman posing.

"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below
Johnny?"

"Yes."

"Wel...

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

My grandad said there’s gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

My grandad went down in history.

.....he also fingered someone in geography.

My grandad told me, always go to people's funerals...

... because if you don't, they won't go to yours.

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

My friend has a French mother, and his dad's great-grandad was from Warsaw.

So he's half Frog and a tad Pole.

What's gray and wrinkly and hangs out your grandad's undies?

Your grandma.

During the war, my Grandad faced pepper spray and mustard gas.

He's a seasoned veteran.

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

Joke my grandad told me :)

Two men, a Irishman and an Englishman where talking when they learnt that at the moment there was a massive demand for crocodile skin shoes, wanting to take ahold of this opportunity the Irishman and the Englishman bought two guns and set sail to Africa, when they arrived they went they’re separate...

My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.

So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said.....

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My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

Grandad went into a nursing home,

so I rang them to see how he was.

Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."

I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"

She said, "No, he's dead!"

A little girl asks her grandad...

"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

My nan was beaten to death by my grandad

It was by about 2yrs

When my grandad turned SIXTY, I told him to run a mile a day.

Now he’s 65 and I don’t know where he is.

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Knock Knock

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Grandad

shit stop the funeral he's alive!

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

Just found out my grandad left me a stately home in his will.

I just don’t know where sod hall is...

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

My grandad died last year because we couldn’t find out his blood type for an emergency transfusion

He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

Just before he died, we covered my grandad's back with grease.

After that he went down hill very quickly.

My grandad stopped smoking 2 weeks ago...

....But we only received his ashes today!

My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

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My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"

Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

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Grandad and hos granson

A grandad and his grandson was on a fishing boat. The grandad takes a cookie out. The grandson asks can he have one? The grandad asked "can your dick touch your ass?". The grandson says "no". The grandad says "then you cant have one then".

A couple of years pass....

The two are on the ...

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Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

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My great grandad died for his own beliefs.

He believed he could wank on the bus.

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A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

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Me and my family are worried about my grandad's addiction to Viagra

If he goes on like this, he'll be stiff in more ways then one

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My Grandad placed three cups on the table, open end down.

Then he put a ball under one of the cups and moved them around the table really fast.
After thirty seconds of this, he stopped and said, "Okay, which one is it under?"

"The middle one."

"Well done! How did you know?"

"Because your other testicle is connected to it."

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When I was 7 my grandad told me the funniest joke I've ever heard, and I've never forgotten it

which is more than he can say, the senile old bastard

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I asked my grandad for his shooting range

He said: no, you wouldn't make a good principal

Conversation between my grandfather and me.

Grandad: Jack, you're too attached to technology.
Me: No YOU'RE Too attached to technology! *unplugs life support*

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

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A joke from my grandad

Why is a duck covered with feathers.

To cover it's buttquack

When I took my shoes off, my grandad asked me if I was wearing golfing socks...

because there’s a hole in one....

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My Grandad told me this one (the guy is a legend)

A girl is sat in the hairdresser's, eating some cake.

She is sat quite close to the barber, so she asks,

"Excuse me sir, would you mind moving away from me a bit, I'm going to get hair on my muffin"

He replies, "Yeah, and your gonna get tits aswell."


NOTE: I have no c...

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

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My Grandad puts Viagra in his coffee

It stops his biscuits going soft

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A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.

"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"

"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get tits too!"

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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10 year old boy and grandad go camping...

Boy: Granddad can I have a sip of beer?
Granddad: can your penis reach your ass?
Boy: no.
Granddad: then you'll have to wait until it does.
Boy goes to the cooler and grabs an ice cream sandwich.

Granddad: hey grandson, can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Boy: can your penis...

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

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A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got ...

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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There's nothing but shit on the TV every night! -moaned my Grandad.

The sanitation in his Nursing Home is dreadful...

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Kid 1: "My grandad can play the piano with his feet"

Kid 2: "That's nothing; MY grandad fiddles with his dick"

My grandad accidently bit his own tongue off during WW2

He never talks about it though

My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?

Hit your thumb with a hammer!

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

When my grandad was 75 he started walking 5 miles a day.

He's 80 now and no one knows where the hell he is!

As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.

His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff.

His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its calle...

So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

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A grandson asks his grandad if he can go to the movies...

... The grandad asks "Can your dick touch your asshole?". The grandson was confused but went to the bathroom and proceeded to try. He came out of the bathroom and in defeat told his grandad "No".
"Well than no you can't go".

The next day the grandson asked his grandad if he can have cooki...

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Just keep calm

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . ....

My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

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Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

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I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war...

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

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