Gramps Jokes - 43 Hilarious Gramps Jokes

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Shout out to Gramps

It’s the only way he can hear you

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Greedy Gramps

A boy's grandfather is sitting outside on the porch, smoking a cigar. His grandson walks out and asks, "Can I try the cigar?". The grandfather replies, "I don't know, can you lick your elbow?" The boy tries to lick his elbow but to no avail and his grandfather refuses to let him try the cigar. T...

Just found out my gramps has aids.

Apparently they are in his ears??

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Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

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Grandpa storie

Gramps: "Once on safari in Africa, we were charged by a rutting Rhino, and I crapped my pants"

Kid: "I would have too Grandpa"

Gramps: "No boy, I *just now* crapped my pants.."

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"

Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

How do kids tell you their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfas...

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

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a little boy is being potty trained by his parents.

All starts going well except when in restaurant, the kid shouts "I need to pee!"

Embarrassed, the parents come up with a new idea. They tell their son "from now on, when you need to pee, just say you need to whisper". The son likes the idea. When he needed to go, he would say "Dad! I need to ...

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Doctor, I've got a problem

Doc: What is that?

Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep pooping everyday at 8 am sharp.

Doc: How is that a problem?

Gramps: I wake up at 9am.

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[Long]The bull is scaring the cows.

Billy, a city boy, goes to visit his grandpa on the farm.
On his first day there, he goes to his grandfather: "Oy, gramps, your bull is fucking the cows."
"Oh my goodness, Billy! We don't talk like that here! We use the gentlemanly 'the bull is scaring the cows'."
"Yeah, whatever gramps."<...

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

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A kid goes up to his Grandfather...

...&amp;amp; says "Hey Gramps, can I take a puff of you're cigar?"

"Well young man, does your penis touch your asscheeks?" He replies

"Well no, why?"

"Well, then I'll have to say no."

A few days go by &amp;amp; the kid see's his Grandfather with a glass of...

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Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starvin...

An 80-year-old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check-up...

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says Don, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Irish whi...

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, "you see, children?" "Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light! Now, we're safe."
BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (...

A grandfather is hanging out with his grandson.

He says to his grandson, "Hey Johnny, please fetch me the cup of medicine and the cup of soda over there." Grandson says, "Sure, gramps, but why the soda?" Grandpa says, "I mix 'em together so that the medicine doesn't taste so nasty." Johnny says, "Oh, good idea", and starts to pour the cup of medi...

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party.

Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"

Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it."

Tim sighs, but he's a ...

There was once a little boy...

... he was riding home from a fishing trip with his grandpa when he shouted “Gramps! I gotta pee!” His grandfather replied “Timmy, we are out in the middle of nowhere you will have to hold it”. So, along they drive. After a while the grandpa hears a sobbing from the backseat. “Timmy, what’s wrong...

My grandfather said, "If I ever get alzheimer's I'll kill myself"

I said "I know gramps, you told me that already"

What is the most popular bank in Wales?

Welsh Fargo...

...gramps made me do it.

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.

Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"

"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.

Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriou...

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The old man and his grandson

An old man took his grandson to town but ran into some old friends playing poker and decided to join them.

His grandson asked, "Can I play too?"

The old man said, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The boy replied, "No."

The grandfather then said, "Then yo...

A senior citizen’s group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City

As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that ...

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The gran...

Who's winning

Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a la...

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Little boy and his grampa

So, a little boy is sitting with his great-grandfather, who used to be a big game hunter in his formidable years.

"Gramps, tell me a story about your days as a big game hunter" said the boy.

"Whaaaa?" replied his grandfather

"TELL ME A STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU USED TO
HUNT BIG ...

A little boy is playing in the garden

with his grandpa sitting close by and watching. The boy finds a worm sticking out of a hole, and excitedly pulls it out to show his granddad. His gramps says, "very nice. I'll give you $50 if you can get it back in the hole." The little boys eyes widen, and he runs inside to get a can of stiffen qui...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

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A grandfather and grandson are fishing together...

A grandfather and his grandson are fishing together off of a dock. They are both sitting in silence until the grandfather pulls out a bottle of whiskey from his lunch bag and pours himself a glass. The grandson asks,

"Grandpa, may I please try some of your whiskey?"

To which the grand...

Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7-year-old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” Th...

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