Don Jokes - 152 Hilarious Don Jokes

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

Hookers don’t fart

They let out little prosti-toots.

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

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Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Why don’t they have pregnant Barbie dolls?

Because Ken came in a separate box.

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

I don’t want to sound racist…

..But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

My wife said, “The Last of Us is a strange show, don’t you agree?”

Me: Yeah, but I’ve seen Stranger Things on Netflix.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

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Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is.

All Fridays matter.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

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I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Why don’t they call Pickleball what it really is…

…Wiffle Tennis.

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Dear people who don’t write capital letters,

We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

- Because they’re really good at it.

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Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”

Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”

Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

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Don’t get a boner

I remember I got on a bus in Bangkok and this beautiful woman got on and sat down across from me. I kept thinking “don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner”. Sure enough, she did.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

They will get chapped lips.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

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Necrophilia is such an ugly word. I don’t have sex with corpses, I make love to them.

I’m a necromancer.

I don’t make jokes about short people

They’re beneath me

If I don’t perfect Human Cloning...

...I won’t be able to live with myself

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell ...

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Why don’t churches have WiFi?

They don’t wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

Do you know which countries don’t shut down like the USA does when they can’t approve their budget?

The other 195.

I don’t mean to brag

But cashiers are always checking me out.

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Don’t be a racist

Be a panda! They are black, white, and Asian

Why don’t aliens visit our Solar System?

They read the reviews – just one star.

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and..........tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know,

I guess I was just born this way.”

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

Please don’t hand out raisins this Halloween…

Eggs have gotten really expensive.

Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

They view it as a waist of space.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I don’t like topology

in any way, shape or form.

Why don’t you run behind a car?

Because you will get exhausted.

Why don’t you run on the side of the car?

Because you will get tired,

Why don’t you run in front of a car?

Because you will get run over.

How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

Why don’t you hire a zombie to build roads?

They only make DEAD ends!

Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

Because they don’t have the guts.

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Ugh, don’t you just hate matryoshkas?

They’re so full of themselves.

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

Many people in the US don’t work on the 4th of July.

Fire works on the 4th of July, though.

Why don’t pretzels ever go out of style?

Because they are usually kneaded

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

What do French men have that French women don't?

A oui oui.

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I was approached by a beautiful woman in Thailand and she kept saying “Small penis, don’t mind, small penis, don’t mind”

I would’ve preferred her not to have had a penis at all but oh well.

Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves?

Because I do

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Why don’t roosters wear underpants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

French vampires don’t suck your blood.

They sacrebleu!

The Mafia Don's Funeral

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family hold a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words. The chief of police takes a handful, scatters it then turns away crying.<...

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What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

Why don’t people use fractions over decimals

Because they are pointless

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?.....

.... Because they have no body to go with.

Why don’t horses need to go to a psychologist?

They’re very stable

I don’t really like coffee.

It’s not my cup of tea.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

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Don’t crack jokes about clitoris [NSFW]

It is a sensitive spot for many people.

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

Why don’t dentists like math?

They don’t like calculus.

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..

But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!

People keep telling me that I don’t have Friends, but they’re wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

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I don’t know why girls don’t like my penis

We’re taught to enjoy the little things in life

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill

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Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy

I don’t usually steal utensils, but if I’m desperate…

It’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

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Don’t you hate those virtue signaling people that say “I don’t see color.”?

Fuck the blind, am I right?

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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Don’t have sex in Alaska

The crabs there are the deadliest catch.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they are “shellfish”

I don’t believe in reincarnation anymore

But I used to in a past life

I don’t judge the past of my Garth Brooks loving cannibal girlfriend

But what she’s doing now is tearing me apart

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

If you don’t agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Not only will you be a mile away from them, you’ll also have their shoes.

I don’t like eating rabbit

I always get hare stuck in my teeth

Me: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Her: Please stop saying that every time you switch off the lights at night.

Why don’t pigeons echo?

A coo sticks.

I don’t care who your Father is…

When I’m fishing here, you’re not walking over the water!

I don’t think I would ever try a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

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Jack says “mom I don’t want to go to school today.”

Mom: aww how come?

Jack: The kids bully me. They make fun of me, do pranks on me and they don’t listen to me when I tell them to stop.

Mom: Is that so?

Jack: The teachers ignore me as well. They say that I need to deal with my own problems. They even laugh at me and talk behind...

RIP Don Denkinger (for Royals and Cardinals fans)

Please put your hand over your heart for a moment of silence, and then extend both arms out to your sides, palms down.

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I don’t care for your opinion on mushrooms.

It’s a shit take.

The professor told me, “You don’t deserve an A for this essay!”

He..berated me.

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