I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex

They don't want to admit a piece of meat can make them happy

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

Why don't Kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

My 6yo sister asked me to post this joke on social media.. (Don’t be too harsh)

What was Billy doing in class??

He was billy dancing.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdfw7.

Me and my wife have decided we don't want any children

We will be telling them tonight.

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

Which rock group has members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

Knowledge is like underwear, you need to have it but you don't need to show it

but people always want to be the superman

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctors say I should be fine, but I must warn you -

.. the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound hookers.

Why don't owls mate during storms?

Because it's too wet to woo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

I don’t like cocaine

I just like the smell of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Natzis participate in triathlons?

Because they hate mixed races.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Magicians don't answer "how did you do that"

because those are trick questions

Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"

Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".

Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".

*after 500 surgeries.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".

Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".

Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know...

Why don’t people from Alabama have family trees?

Because it’s just one long branch.

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. It's just hard for the others

It is the same when you are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed...

Mutate into the next letter of the Greek alphabet and try again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how people always say words they don’t understand like “the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah”

Well my friend of mine told me his dad was getting a colonoscopy. I asked him “what the fuck is a dad?”

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

Don't date rocks

They'll take you for granite

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

I don’t get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live

Whoops.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are .

That's your famlies job.

Why don't you want to be friends with a pepper?

Because they're always jalapeño business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't want to miss it.

Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed?

…especially if the bed is in a hospital.

I don’t want to kink shame Kyle Rittenhouse, but…

…whenever he shoots someone, he gets off.

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I don’t usually tell dad jokes…

But when I do he laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

Why don't dyslexic people like maths?

Because they have word problems

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

Don't let a dog buy you a drink at the bar.

You're gonna get woofied.

Bards don't steal.

They Lute.

Don't you hate it when you need to pay to use the bathroom?

I'll take my business elsewhere.

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

I don't like jokes because my sense of humor are like my dad....

gone

Why don't elephants ride tricycles?

They don't have a thumb to ring the little bell.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For those that don't believe in miracles

My wife has had 3 virgin births. We are truly blessed.

Don't get into skiing

It's a slippery slope

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

I still don't understand why they call it a nursing home.

There is no way any of those old ladies are lactating.

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

The barman says “We don’t serve time travellers in here”.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

Why don't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where "home" is

I don't have an advent calendar

So I'm just opening cupboards and eating whatever is in there

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don’t have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't ejaculate

I only ejacuearly or ejacurighrontime. I'm never late.

I don't know if this one has been said but here goes.

As a necromancer you need hobbies. I've chosen baking because it's weirdly very similar. With a little ritual... I raise the bread.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Why don’t ghosts go out in public?

Because they look like sheet

There are only two rules for my party: have fun, and don't pee in the kitchen sink.

Because that's where I go.

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t use Viagra if you’re also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

People think I don't care about my own well-being because I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol...

That's not true at all! I just happen to like cigarettes and alcohol. I'll have a cigarette and a beer at the same time, but I'll still be wearing my seatbelt while I do it.

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

Why do many Buddhists don't like to use email?

Because they don't like attachments.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing

judge the quiet sober ones..Those fuckers are up to something.

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't follow a fox!

A lion is walking with his lioness in the woods, when suddenly a redfox appears out of no where and starts yelling at the lion calling him all names, the lioness turns to the lion and says : defend yourself! he is baffling your honor! to what the lion calmly responded : he is a little basted, beside...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

I really don't understand why some people chooses to be child free.

Have they ever stop and think about who's going to avenge their death if they get murdered?

“Silent farts that don’t stink...”

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

I don’t care what anyone says, Amy Schumer is extremely talented.

I mean who else can steal jokes from others, and still remain remarkably unfunny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

Don't tell clever jokes about umbrellas.

They just go over people's heads !

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Common misconception about New York, we don’t have 24 hour subway service.

We actually have 12 hour service because it doesn’t work half the fuckin’ time

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

Don't you hate it when you can't tell if a text response is angry or enthusiastic?

YES!!

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

What ever you do, don't use 'beef stew' as your computer password.

Apparently its not stroganoff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

What happens if you don't turn on your computer for a year

It loses it's drive

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