Two cannibal clowns are eating Jerry Seinfeld..

One asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Nah, it's just bland.. maybe a little dry."

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

Who can drink 5L of petrol with no effect?

Jerry can

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

I can't tell you what the Germans contributed after WW2 but....

*Jerry can*

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

I recently donated all of my Jerry Garcia memorabilia to the Smithsonian Institute,

it was a dead giveaway.

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry hat trick.

Jerry Seinfeld had to quit telling his jokes from a hot air balloon.

They all went over our heads.

You’re half a man Jerry. Just deal with it, I told him

He hopped away from the mirror

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What does Jerry Falwell Jr. say after sex?

“You guys want anything?”

Jerry Falwell Jr is leaving Liberty university...

he says he wants to spend more time watching his family.

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Jerry Falwell Jr. said that if he ever got caught in a sex scandal....

He would go down swinging.

Jerry was at a store meeting about some new covid procedures.

The manager said "Ok, listen up. Jerry, this means you. When you see a customer approach, stop 'em and ask about their health, temperature, and cough. Then..." he paused. "Jerry? You payin' attention?"

"Yeah, I hear you." said Jerry.

"Ok." he continued. "If they don't have a mask, just...

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

RiP Jerry Stiller

I hope you will find serenity, now.

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I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

Puddles

A duck walks into a bar sits at the bar counter and orders a beer. The bartender seeing the duck is a bit surprised so after getting him his drink he asks the duck what brings him here.

The duck looks over and says well he’s had a rough day, you see says the duck I’ve met up with Jerry a fel...

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

After a long, restful night of sleep I always turn to my wife in the morning and say “Hello, Jerry”.

Because I feel like a New man.

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

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Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that....

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

Jerry and Mary are a few weeks from their wedding...

And Jerry is starting to feel nature call, but Mary wants to wait until their special night. Jerry, however, continues to push the matter until he convinces Mary to let him put the tip in just once, but she makes him promise that's all he's going to do. He does. So they're all set and ready one nigh...

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

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jerry has a 69

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times
Gargled ½ a litre of Listerine used dental floss as well

As he arrived at the dent...

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

Who was the first man to have an operation?

Sir Jerry.

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther.

DNA results:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.

Why were the Germans called Jerrys?

Because World War 2 was a big game of cat and mouse

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.

:D

Jerry died and was in line for the Pearly Gates...

As people approached St. Peter he directed them either into heaven or over towards Satan standing by the fiery pit of Hell. Jerry noticed that every once in a while Satan threw some of the damned around the edge of the pit. This intrigued Jerry, so when he was next in line, Jerry asked Peter, "What'...

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

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A man and his wife have a very fulfilling sexual life. [NSFW]

The man and his wife have sex almost every night before they go to bed, but the man has one rule: the lights must always be out. It's been like this ever since they first got married.

One night, in the middle of the act, the wife turns on the light, and finds that the man was actually using ...

When Jerry Seinfeld dies...

I really hope his tombstone says:
*Jerry Seinfeld
1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*

Tom can’t hold petrol

But Jerry can

Who can drink an entire gallon and gasoline and survive another day?

Jerry Can.

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

Jerry saw his ex with a new boyfriend

So he walks up to them and says “Old Shoe, new owner”
His ex replies “Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

Two mice meet

"Yo Mickey, long time no see. Did you get the Corona vaccine?"
"What!? ...Are you crazy, Jerry!? They are not done testing on humans"

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals.

While exploring a jungle, Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals claimed that they shall eat them tomorrow, but will set them free if they past the test. The chief's daughter, however, fell in love with John at first sight, and decided to let him know what the tes...

What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite football position?

Tight end

What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind!

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky.

I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Jerry was the most popular guy in the old-fogey's home,...

...and all the old ladies wanted to romance him. Problem was, Jerry had no interest in women anymore. One day Betty asked him to go to the movies with him on Friday night. "Nah, no thanks, not interested" he replied. After further pleading he still declined so she offered "I'll hold your cock during...

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

Who can drink 20L of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"

"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

[Punchline wanted] Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. To their surprise, the bartender is a monkey.

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
...

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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting...

Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer have dinner together

Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and jerry

A man ran out of gasoline and walked to a nearby small oiler town.

Fortunately, there was a gas station. . He couldn’t find a gas canister, so he went down the street knocking on each door to find one.

He knocked on one door.

“Hello, I’ve run out of gas and need a gas can. Can you help me?” The woman said “No, but Jolyne can.”

He knocked on Jo...

A goodbye before you die

Clarification: this is a pretty popular joke, so sorry if you've already heard it.

A little girl is laying down in her bed, with her parents at her side, about to go to sleep. As she does every night, she says a prayer:

"Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma and goodb...

Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye?

Jerry: No one gave it to me.
I had to fight for it!

What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

Did you hear the one about Jerry Sandusky molesting kids?

If not, it's okay - neither did the Police.

Lake Zurich High was closed down Monday due to reports of a suspicious package. For help, Police called in Jerry Sandusky, who investigates high school packages all the time.

x-post from [r/headlinesjokes](http://www.reddit.com/r/headlinejokes/)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are naming a flavor in honor of Jerry Sandusky?

They are calling it Raspberry Turnover

There was this drunk walking down the street

He walks up to this cop and he says, “man, somebody stole my car”.

And the cops says, “well where was it”... and he says “it was right on the end of this key”.

The cop says, “I don’t know man, why don’t you go down to the precinct house and report it down there. They’ll fill out all t...

What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?

Jerry hat-trick ...

"His rod and His staff comfort me."

\-- Jerry Falwell Jr. explains his attraction to his pool boy.

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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Every other basic response: “We stand with our black employees :)”

**Ben & Jerry’s:** “WE GOTTA FUCKIN SMASH WHITE SUPREMACY. FUCK THE KKK AND FUCK YOU. BLACK LIVES MATTER. OUR NEW FLAVOR IS CALLED FUCK THE POLICE. ITS GOT BLUEBERRIES”

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