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Jerry Jokes

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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jerry has a 69

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times
Gargled ½ a litre of Listerine used dental floss as well

As he arrived at the dent...

You’re half a man Jerry. Just deal with it, I told him

He hopped away from the mirror

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

Jerry Springer passed away.

The cause of death was a rare parasite…



…..Jerry was the perfect host.

What will be heard the most at Jerry Spinger’s funeral?

“Bury! Bury! Bury!”

John, Jerry and Mike on an island

John, Jerry and Mike have been stranded for months on a beautiful island. One day a bottle with a note in it spills out.

They open it and it reads: "I am a wish granting bottle. Each of you gets one wish."

John immediately said: "I wish I was on my farm right now." Poof, and John is ...

Why can Jerry fill his car up in the middle of the woods?

Cause Jerry can

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

What do you call a 60 year old striker who averages 3 goals a game?

Jerry-hat-trick

RiP Jerry Stiller

I hope you will find serenity, now.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Jerry Falwell Jr is leaving Liberty university...

he says he wants to spend more time watching his family.

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What does Jerry Falwell Jr. say after sex?

“You guys want anything?”

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

What is it called what an old person scores 3 times in a row?

Jerry Hat Trick

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Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

When Jerry Seinfeld dies...

I really hope his tombstone says:
*Jerry Seinfeld
1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*

Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.

:D

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

Why were the Germans called Jerrys?

Because World War 2 was a big game of cat and mouse

I recently donated all of my Jerry Garcia memorabilia to the Smithsonian Institute,

it was a dead giveaway.

Two cannibals were eating Jerry Seinfeld...

One looks at the other and asks “Does this taste salty?”

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

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Jerry Falwell Jr. said that if he ever got caught in a sex scandal....

He would go down swinging.

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky...

...how much do you like kids?

Jerry was at a store meeting about some new covid procedures.

The manager said "Ok, listen up. Jerry, this means you. When you see a customer approach, stop 'em and ask about their health, temperature, and cough. Then..." he paused. "Jerry? You payin' attention?"

"Yeah, I hear you." said Jerry.

"Ok." he continued. "If they don't have a mask, just...

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Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that....

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

Jerry and Mary are a few weeks from their wedding...

And Jerry is starting to feel nature call, but Mary wants to wait until their special night. Jerry, however, continues to push the matter until he convinces Mary to let him put the tip in just once, but she makes him promise that's all he's going to do. He does. So they're all set and ready one nigh...

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

Did you hear the one about Jerry Lewis launching a line of clothes for frat boys?

He became a nutty 'bro dresser'

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting...

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Trouble asking a girl out

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival t...

What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite football position?

Tight end

What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry hat trick.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are naming a flavor in honor of Jerry Sandusky?

They are calling it Raspberry Turnover

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Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals.

While exploring a jungle, Ben, John, and Jerry got captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals claimed that they shall eat them tomorrow, but will set them free if they past the test. The chief's daughter, however, fell in love with John at first sight, and decided to let him know what the tes...

Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"

"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky.

I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther.

DNA results:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.

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So Jerry was the most popular guy in the old-fogey's home,...

...and all the old ladies wanted to romance him. Problem was, Jerry had no interest in women anymore. One day Betty asked him to go to the movies with him on Friday night. "Nah, no thanks, not interested" he replied. After further pleading he still declined so she offered "I'll hold your cock during...

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

Jerry died and was in line for the Pearly Gates...

As people approached St. Peter he directed them either into heaven or over towards Satan standing by the fiery pit of Hell. Jerry noticed that every once in a while Satan threw some of the damned around the edge of the pit. This intrigued Jerry, so when he was next in line, Jerry asked Peter, "What'...

Jerry saw his ex with a new boyfriend

So he walks up to them and says “Old Shoe, new owner”
His ex replies “Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new”

What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind!

Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye?

Jerry: No one gave it to me.
I had to fight for it!

What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

Do you know why Tom wasn't able to close his windows?

Because Jerry had the mouse!

A Blue Bell ice cream walks into a bar . . .

“We don’t serve your kind here!” shouts the bartender, angrily.

“But I know for a fact that you served Ben & Jerry just hours ago!” retorts the ice cream, offended.

“Yeah, but we don’t serve Sam & Ella.”

I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

Did you know there is a 10th reindeer?

It's true. His name is Jerry and he is in charge of managing deliveries that the elves had, which includes food orders. He started his own business.

Its called "Deer Dash"!

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn’t a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess be...

Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline

Jerry can

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So, a very muscular white man seems like he's drinking too much..

He's a regular at this bar, so the bartender, Jerry, knows him well. The man keeps pounding back shots, one after another.

"Come on Jerry, another one and I can run around the block."

Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back

"Man, just one more and I can run a whole mara...

Who is hosting next year’s Oscars?

Jerry Springer.

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

[Punchline wanted] Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. To their surprise, the bartender is a monkey.

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
...

[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...

Since we’re doing Readers Digest…

This is a true story, and one that my dad submitted and had published in RD back in the early 80s. It takes place in the early 60s. I’m typing it here from memory.

“My friend and I were driving between 2 rural Indiana towns during a winter blizzard when we ran out of gas. With only $5 to our ...

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

Tommy

Did you hear about the english man who wanted to fight in the first world war?
He joined late. Skip forward to the first fight. He’s in the trench. Tommy as we’ll call him goes up to his captain, and says, er, captain, i’m reporting for duty. I want to fight for my country!
The captain replie...

The Free Drinks

Jerry was walking home from work in a bustling city, when he stumbled upon a man who was giving out coupons for a free drink at an enormous penthouse. This monstrous building had 100 floors, and no elevator, but Jerry was determined to go get himself a free drink.


After the first ten flig...

"Spartans, tonight, we dine in hell!!"

"Jerry, don't scream at the kids like that! If you don't want to come at my mother's dinner, don't"

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will l...

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

A skeleton walked into a bar…

The bartender slides him a glass of milk and the skeleton says:

“Really Jerry? I’ve known you for 20 years and you do this?”

The bartender replies:

“Oh sorry, I thought it would be funny. You know being a skeleton and all…”

To which the skeleton respond:

“What no. ...

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