I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

If you put on cowboy clothing...

Are you ranch dressing?

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

What dressing does Luke Skywalker put on a porg before eating it?

Skywalker Ranch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot

Source: my little sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OC (I wrote this) So there's an old man in a nursing home struggling to put on his shoes..

Hey I wrote a joke today I thought you might enjoy:
So there's an old man in the Nursing home named Henderson, he was getting on in his years and required a nurse to help him with his day to day as we all will hopefully. But today he had a brand new nurse. She helped him with all of the normal th...

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

Why did the programmer put on his glasses?

Because he couldn’t C# / see sharp.

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

if you're a student with political ambitions, think carefully about what you put on your yearbook page

I don't mean to keep it clean; I mean think carefully about how you can troll a bunch of Congressmen who will be trying to decode it in 2048.

What does the Little Mermaid put on before math class?

An Algebra

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

I'm planning to put on a theatrical performance about puns.

I like producing word plays.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

What does T'challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

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