UPJOKE
makepreparedressaddturnassumewearslangcodshamdondupeapplyfalsefictitious

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

I ran into a friend from high school i hadn’t seen in 25 years and wow he put on a lot of weight.

I asked him, “When’s the last time you ate a salad?”

He said, “96’maybe 97’…”

I exclaimed, “pounds ago!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like no matter how much mascara I put on my penis....

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

What does Winnie the Pooh put on his hot dogs?

Honey mustard

It’s not racist for a white person to put on white face

That’s just clowning around!

I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute

Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.

What does a ghost put on his bagel?

Scream cheese

I put on some new earplugs to see if they were better than my old ones...

I couldn't hear the difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

Why did the vampire not put on his makeup before a date?

He just couldn’t see himself doing it.

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

An elderly couple were arranging their funeral and deciding on what words to put on their headstones

Husband suggests "Here lies Beryl, silent at last"

Wife suggests "Here lies Barry, stiff at last"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old folks home decided to put on a little mixer for the residents.

The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing.

After a while, Harold and Lillian began slow dancing. Harold whispered in her ear that he’d like her to come back to his place for some sex. She agrees and off they go.

After an enthusiastic toss in the h...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

At the North Pole, what do elves put on their time card?

"Present".

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

Why did the baby bell pepper put on a sweater?

Because it was a little chili.

I just put on some fresh clothes...

I feel like a changed man!

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress

I can't wait to push her down the stairs

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every single facemask I've ever put on.....

They all smell like cock, or is that just me?

What do the Aztecs put on their Sandwiches?

Mayannaise

What do you HAVE to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!



My 7-year-old hit us with that one and seems to be an original.

I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

What does Pac-Man put on his tacos

Guacauacauacauacauacauacamole

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar?

Because no one could put it back on his body

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

What did they put on Margaret Thatcher's tombstone?

"Here Lies the Iron Lady.

May she rust in peace"

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) So I bought some new male chickens to put on my farm. I just got them home today.

It was a successful cock transplant.

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning?

I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

I'm planning to put on a theatrical performance about puns.

I like producing word plays.

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

What type of animals are put on envelopes?

Seals.

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to put on a movie but I got my dick stuck in the DVD

I really fucked Up here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

What does T'challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

What does the Little Mermaid put on before math class?

An Algebra

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

if you're a student with political ambitions, think carefully about what you put on your yearbook page

I don't mean to keep it clean; I mean think carefully about how you can troll a bunch of Congressmen who will be trying to decode it in 2048.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

What's one of the worst songs a to put on at a wedding?

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

EDIT: Also:
Dude looks like a lady
My best friends girlfriend
Jessie's girl
Another one bites the dust
What's love got to do

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie.

After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore...

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

Did you hear about the musician that was put on death row?

It's said that he is gonna be exefluted.

What does a Super Saiyan always put on his sandwich?

Ka-Mayomayo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you put on zeboobs?

Zebra

What kind of bows do you put on your arms?

Elbows.

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

What sauce do hobbits put on everything?

Worst-in-the-shire sauce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

What dressing does Luke Skywalker put on a porg before eating it?

Skywalker Ranch

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold?

"I can Nazi."

What do the chinese put on their pizza?

Pupperoni

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

What kind of pasta should you NEVER put on your face?

Ziti!

(This might be a repost, but my mom just thought of it and I thought it was hilarious 😘)

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?

He didn't count on this...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.