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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial, I was released due to a lack of evidence.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

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Why did the duck have to put on pants?

His butt-quack was showing!

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray.

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While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress

I can't wait to push her down the stairs

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Every single facemask I've ever put on.....

They all smell like cock, or is that just me?

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

What does a Hawaiian comedian put on a sunburn?

Aloe-Ha!

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

Why was the Jedi police officer put on paid administrative leave?

For use of excessive Force.

What do the Aztecs put on their Sandwiches?

Mayannaise

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar?

Because no one could put it back on his body

What do you HAVE to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!



My 7-year-old hit us with that one and seems to be an original.

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I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

What does Pac-Man put on his tacos

Guacauacauacauacauacauacamole

How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

What did they put on Margaret Thatcher's tombstone?

"Here Lies the Iron Lady.

May she rust in peace"

I went to an underwear convention and put on some size XXL briefs.

How fitting!

How does a man put on a roof by himself?

Shingle-handedly

How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning?

I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port.

All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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(NSFW) So I bought some new male chickens to put on my farm. I just got them home today.

It was a successful cock transplant.

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

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I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

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I was trying to put on a movie but I got my dick stuck in the DVD

I really fucked Up here

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

Yoda use to have the younglings put on white face paint and pretend to walk against the wind, be trapped in invisible boxes, you know...

Jedi mime tricks.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

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What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

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My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

I'm planning to put on a theatrical performance about puns.

I like producing word plays.

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

What does T'challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

What does the Little Mermaid put on before math class?

An Algebra

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Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

if you're a student with political ambitions, think carefully about what you put on your yearbook page

I don't mean to keep it clean; I mean think carefully about how you can troll a bunch of Congressmen who will be trying to decode it in 2048.

Donald Trump spends more money on Trips to play golf at Mara Lago than it would cost to put on the Special Olympics he wants to cut

Can we make the Special Olympics Trump golf at Mara Logo ?

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

Why did the programmer put on his glasses?

Because he couldn’t C# / see sharp.

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

What dressing does Luke Skywalker put on a porg before eating it?

Skywalker Ranch

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

What's one of the worst songs a to put on at a wedding?

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

EDIT: Also:
Dude looks like a lady
My best friends girlfriend
Jessie's girl
Another one bites the dust
What's love got to do

What type of animals are put on envelopes?

Seals.

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie.

After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore...

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"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

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Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

What do the chinese put on their pizza?

Pupperoni

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A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

What does a Super Saiyan always put on his sandwich?

Ka-Mayomayo

What kind of bows do you put on your arms?

Elbows.

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What do you put on zeboobs?

Zebra

Did you hear about the musician that was put on death row?

It's said that he is gonna be exefluted.

What kind of pasta should you NEVER put on your face?

Ziti!

(This might be a repost, but my mom just thought of it and I thought it was hilarious 😘)

What do you put on before Air Conditioner?

Air Shampoo

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

Did you hear about the guy who put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week?

By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.

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What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold?

"I can Nazi."

They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

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