UPJOKE
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Put On Jokes

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

What does Pacman put on his Tacos?

Guacawaccawaccamole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

What does Emma Watson put on her sandwiches?

Her mionnnaise

I'll see myself out!

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It doesn't matter how much mascara I put on my penis...

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

What do you call a fish you haven't put on the scale yet?

*The one you gotta weigh...*

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

What does Winnie the Pooh put on his hot dogs?

Honey mustard

It’s not racist for a white person to put on white face

That’s just clowning around!

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

I just put on some fresh clothes...

I feel like a changed man!

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

Why did the vampire not put on his makeup before a date?

He just couldn’t see himself doing it.

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

An elderly couple were arranging their funeral and deciding on what words to put on their headstones

Husband suggests "Here lies Beryl, silent at last"

Wife suggests "Here lies Barry, stiff at last"

Why did the baby bell pepper put on a sweater?

Because it was a little chili.

What do cars put on their toast?

Traffic jam.

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress

I can't wait to push her down the stairs

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every single facemask I've ever put on.....

They all smell like cock, or is that just me?

A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

What type of animals are put on envelopes?

Seals.

At the North Pole, what do elves put on their time card?

"Present".

I put on some new earplugs to see if they were better than my old ones...

I couldn't hear the difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

What do you HAVE to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!



My 7-year-old hit us with that one and seems to be an original.

What did they put on Margaret Thatcher's tombstone?

"Here Lies the Iron Lady.

May she rust in peace"

Why was JFK's head put on the half dollar?

Because no one could put it back on his body

I ran into a friend from high school i hadn’t seen in 25 years and wow he put on a lot of weight.

I asked him, “When’s the last time you ate a salad?”

He said, “96’maybe 97’…”

I exclaimed, “pounds ago!?

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

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