What did they put on Margaret Thatcher's tombstone?

"Here Lies the Iron Lady.

May she rust in peace"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port.

All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

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(NSFW) So I bought some new male chickens to put on my farm. I just got them home today.

It was a successful cock transplant.

How does a man put on a roof by himself?

Shingle-handedly

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to put on a movie but I got my dick stuck in the DVD

I really fucked Up here

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

Son: Daddy can you put on my shoes?

Me: I can try, but I don't think they will fit!

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I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

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My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

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What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

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So, umm... Anyone willing to put on a sexy fox outfit and do a little anal?

Ass-king furry friend.

If you put on cowboy clothing...

Are you ranch dressing?

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

Donald Trump spends more money on Trips to play golf at Mara Lago than it would cost to put on the Special Olympics he wants to cut

Can we make the Special Olympics Trump golf at Mara Logo ?

What dressing does Luke Skywalker put on a porg before eating it?

Skywalker Ranch

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

What sauce do hobbits put on everything?

Worst-in-the-shire sauce

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Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot

Source: my little sister

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

if you're a student with political ambitions, think carefully about what you put on your yearbook page

I don't mean to keep it clean; I mean think carefully about how you can troll a bunch of Congressmen who will be trying to decode it in 2048.

I'm planning to put on a theatrical performance about puns.

I like producing word plays.

What does the Little Mermaid put on before math class?

An Algebra

Why did the programmer put on his glasses?

Because he couldn’t C# / see sharp.

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

What does T'challa put on his hot dog?

Wakandaments

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say after he put on a blindfold?

I can Nazi.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

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What does T’ challa from Black panther put on when he has sex?

A wakandom

What do the chinese put on their pizza?

Pupperoni

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

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Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

Did you hear about the guy who put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week?

By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.

What kind of pasta should you NEVER put on your face?

Ziti!

(This might be a repost, but my mom just thought of it and I thought it was hilarious 😘)

At first I didn’t know how to put on my seatbelt

But then it clicked

What's one of the worst songs a to put on at a wedding?

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

EDIT: Also:
Dude looks like a lady
My best friends girlfriend
Jessie's girl
Another one bites the dust
What's love got to do

What does the pope put on his pancakes?

Papal syrup.

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie.

After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore...

What kind of bows do you put on your arms?

Elbows.

What does a jolly Santa put on his Eggs Benedict?

Happy Hollandaise!

What kind of sun tan lotion does Macklemore put on?

...SPF Thrifty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you put on zeboobs?

Zebra

What type of animals are put on envelopes?

Seals.

I saw a guy put on two pairs of sunglasses.

He looked pretty shady.

It's medieval time. There are bets being put on on who can shoot the apple from a man's head.

First goes Robin Hood. He shoots it right at the apple and says:"I'm Robin Hood."
Then there goes William Tell. He shoots the arrow at the apple and it even destroys the apple and he says:"I'm William Tell."
And then comes the third guy. He aims and shoots the arrow right in the guy's head and...

Did you hear about the musician that was put on death row?

It's said that he is gonna be exefluted.

If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago, make sure to put on a jacket...

It's Chile outside.

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
...

Sherlock Holmes' wife being very neglected took to compensatory eating and put on an enormous amount of weight.

The master detective took her to his friend Dr. Watson for examination. After the doctor had given her a thorough examination, Holmes asked him, "What is the problem, doctor?"
Dr. Watson replied, "Alimentary, my dear Holmes!"

Wow you smell nice today Jim, what did you put on?

Clean underwear

What does a Super Saiyan always put on his sandwich?

Ka-Mayomayo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you put on big rusty boobs?

Double D 40

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

I put on a full suit to check my grades

I wanted to look my best at my funeral

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has been feeling ashamed of recent weight she put on...

So I decided that I'll make her feel better and lift her up and spin her around like we used to do. It went well, I was able to pick her up and see her smile again. I was even able to hide the fact that I shit myself.

I put on Shrek and fell asleep. I woke up and it was over.

I ogre slept.

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