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Billy Jokes

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?

Because he didn't start the dryer

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Billy Ray Cyrus goes to the barber.

The barber asks “what’s it gonna be?”
Cyrus replies “I don’t know yet. Let me mull it over.”

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

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Little Billy.

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in it's ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what? screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn...

How’d you circumcise a hill-billy?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

Little known fact: Billy Joel's song "Piano Man"

Is about a man who was bitten by a radioactive piano.

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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Little Billy.

Teacher asks Billy, Why are you late for class today.

Billy: Sorry miss, an old lady lost a $50 dollar bill.

Teacher: Oh that's nice Billy to help look for it, did she find it?

Billy: No miss, that's why I am late, I was stood on it until she buggered off..

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a ?"

She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..

"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

Farm Boy Billy

Billy moves to the city to find fame and fortune.

Billy can't get a job anywhere and asks someone why no one will hire him and is told it's because country folk are dumb. Billy disagrees but the city guy says "I'll show you" and sticks his hand in front of a wall and says "Punch this".
...

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[ ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

Billy: What do you call a blind buck?

Barry: No eye deer.

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

The doctor told Billy, "I have bad news and worse news"

"well what's the bad news?" Billy asked.

"you have 24 hours to live"

"oh my God, what can be worse than that?"

"well I've been trying to catch you since yesterday"

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Billy Bob and Joey Junior

(real old joke)

Billy Bob and Joey Junior are out hunting. A rattlesnake jumps up and bites Joey Junior on the , then disappears somewhere.

Billy Bob says "Don't worry. I'll phone 911 and find out what to do."

"9-1-1 do you have an emergency."

"Yes my friend has been...

Billy got a parrot for his birthday

This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Billy tried very hard to change the bird's manners, but nothing worked. Billy was getting really frusturated. He yelled at it and shook it. The bird just got even angrier and yelled fowl language even more. Finally Billy ...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Billy Bob was impressed with Al's first week as a farm hand..

It was Friday and Billy Bob told Al we are partying tonight!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be a lot of fightin!

Al: I love me a rumble!

Billy Bob: there's gonna be some boozing!

Al: I love me some whiskey!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be some F$&king!

Al: I'm lo...

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amus...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Billy Graham drives a limo

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement, and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver .

"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven...

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

What do you call someone who’s never heard of Billy Mays?

An OxiMoron

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

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Mushrooms

Two men who have not seen each other in over ten years are meeting for a drink

Billy: So Mark, what is new in your life?

Mark: Well, I am getting married for the fourth time on Saturday.

Billy: Fourth time, What happened to Amanda?

Mark: She died from eating poison mushro...

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?

Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.

Teacher: And how does this even related?

Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....

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The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:

Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.<...

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Billy the Tree

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

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Billy’s tractor

One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor. ...

Bubba and Billy Bob

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of go...

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back ...

Billy

Billy was a chemist's son/
But now he is no more/
'Cos what he thought was H20/
Was H2So4.

Billy has 5 albums by Morrissey and he buys 2 more, what does Billy have?

Depression, Billy has depression.

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Sara and Billy were walking through a forest

when they found a Jinn. They rubbed his belly and suddenly out popped a lamp.

Jinn- Brilliant, this shist's been buggering me for ages. To show my gratitude I'll grant you each one wish.

Sara- I want to be rich.

Jinn- No problems.

Rich- Thanks.

Billy- I want...

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

billy joe redneck has 10 kids...

so he decides its time for a vasectomy. he goes to the doctor who explains the procedure and the cost. billy joe asks if theres a cheaper way to handle this... the doc says "aren't you billy joe the redneck? heres what you need to do, drink a six pack, but in the last can light a cherry bomb, drop i...

Billy Joel: "We didn’t start the fire."

Detective: "I haven’t mentioned a fire."

Billy Joel: "Damn."

Teacher asked the class,

"there are five crows sitting on a fence and a farmer shoots two,how many are left"

Little billy pipes up, "ain't none, the rest took off."

Teacher says" well, there are still three crows, but i like the way you're thinking."

Little billy says: let me ask you a question, three w...

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker club bar

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

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Billy goes hunting with grandpa

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.

"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"

"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."

Convinced that ...

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE .
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE .
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE thi...

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

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Two brothers are in their room one morning.

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good ...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

Billy Idol’s wife gets very upset when he’s behind on the yardwork.

Why just yesterday, in the midnight hour, she yelled: mow! mow! mow!

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

They can both make crowds of 100,000 stand up and yell Jesus.

Little Billy used to drink, But he shall drink no more.

For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus because of “Old Town Road”, and that breaks my heart…

My achey breaky heart.

Billy was a chemist’s son.

Billy is no more.

What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Jimmy was Billy’s friend.

Jimmy’s dead too.

What he thought was H2O was H2O2.

Bobby told Billy he stopped a stampede.

That was the biggest bunch of bull he ever herd.

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Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob

Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free !"

They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

Billy Bob gu...

Why did Silly Billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

Why did Billy die by friendly fire in war?

Because when the enemies were spotted, the commander ordered everybody on the battlefield to fire at will.

It was Billy Bob's birthday

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every pi...

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Teacher says to little Billy at school:

"I want you to use a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."

Billy: I've got 9 buttons on my coat but I can only fascinate.

Where did Billy go during the bombings?

Everywhere

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

Dad and his son Billy, age 5, had a conversation. Dad: Billy listen. Your mother and I have decided that we can't live together anymore.

Billy: But papa, where will mommy live??

Dad: She'll still live here.

Billy: Oh papa I will miss you.

Dad: I will miss you too Billy. Now pack up your stuff you got 15minutes to get the f\*\*k out.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

Billy wants Jimmy to play baseball.

Billy goes by Jimmy's house to get him to play baseball. Jimmy's mom answers the door.

"Hi, can Jimmy play baseball with us?" Billy asked.

"Now you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs," Jimmy's mom answered.

"Yeah, but we need second base."

Silly Billy

(Its a translation of a popular joke from my country. My English is a bit rusty. )

So Silly Billy was driving and he had a door on the roof of his car. A Police Officer pulled him over.

Police Officer - Where are you taking this door?

Billy - Oh, I am taking it to the locksmith....

What kind of tea does Billy like?

Ability

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Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot ...
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