Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Dan Schneider is the final boss of Nickelodeon All Star Brawl

As Master Foot.

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

“Alright Brian, it’s your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection” the doctor says.

...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.”

“Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well,” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked ...

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

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Thats my Boy

Teacher asked his students to make rhymes with their names

Bran :
my name is brand
When I grow up to be a man
I want to go to Russia and Japan
If I can , if I can, if I can

Jady :
My name is Jady
When I grow up to be a lady
I want to have a baby
If I can...

WoW Joke - Why does Gul'Dan walk with a limp?

He Fel.

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

One day, Dan Schneider went outside with a ruler

When he got to the street, he put the ruler on the ground, measured 12 inches. After the measurement he walked 12 inches down the road then excitedly looked round for a few seconds before sadly walking off. he kept doing this all the way down the road. walking 12 inches at a time then excitedly look...

Dan always used to say"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.

Then it was too late.

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”

“Mum, my name is Dave.”

How many pedantic electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You need a gardener for that.

Dan Snyder has finally agreed to change the name of The Washington Redskins

Now they'll be called the DC Redskins.

Golf with Ed

Dan was busy at work when he saw Randy and Ed come in for their shifts looking very upset at each other. He tried asking Ed what was wrong, but Ed just pointed to Randy and said "Ask him!".

So Dan asks Randy what happened. Randy sighed and said "Well Dan, would you play with someone who cheat...

Ever hear of that NBA player named Druff? Think his first name is Dan...

They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition!

I took the Steely Dan flight in from LA last night.

Yep... We gated at A19

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

The doctor took Dan into the room and said

"Dan, I have some good news and bad news."

"Oh,no give me the good news, I guess," Dan replied.

"They are going to name a disease after you."

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

Jack and Dan are on a camping trip in the woods, when Dan passes out

Jack calls the Ambulance and reports the accident

The Ambulance tells him, " Make sure he is actually dead'

Jack leaves the phone and the Ambulance hear a shot

Jack says, "Now what?"

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Did you hear what happened when Dyslexic Dan bought a flashlight?

Yeah, he fucked himself on that one.

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"

Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

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Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together...

One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge,

Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night.

Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast!

Rob: you know how...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”

I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”

He's said “No - anti-depressants.”

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

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Paul goes to school...

Paul goes to school...

Teacher announces, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable word. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Clara says " Att-ract-ive"

Miss Reynolds " Clara, that's great! well done!"

Barry "Dan-ger-ous"

Again Miss Reynolds ...

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

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Farmer Dan

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this m...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with

The others have mostly been eight and nines.

(Credit: Dan Mintz stand-up)

My wife is the only one I’ve been with

Everyone else is a nine or a ten.

~Dan Mintz~

I changed my last name to 'Batman' the day before my wedding

My Father-in-Law didn't enjoy the wedding of Dan and Anna BATMAN.

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

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A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"

Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"

Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"

Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress...

The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheat...

There was once a big cat that loved flowers so much he became one.

His name was Dan de lion.

If Forrest Gump ran a property management group, what would it be called?

New Tenant Dan

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

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I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my sex life, but my wife said "Norway!"

So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.

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The party

Dan, a city man, decides to move to a small cabin in the mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help...

Sven the farmer

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat...

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment?

New tenant Dan

The tractor joke

There was once a man called Dan and he was obsessed with tractors. He had tractor wall paper, tractor clothes, a tractor duvet and much more.

One day his friend found a tractor convention and he thought of Dan, so he bought two tickets for the following day.

When Dan got to the conve...

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What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Br...

People in Germany are nice but strange.

Why do they keep calling me Dan Keschon?

More jokes from my 5 year old. Who's a Stormtroopers favourite person?

Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan

A guy gets his bike stolen from synagogue...

He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,

"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"

The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:

"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row,...

I asked an African man to use the word dandelion in a sentence

His response was "da cheeta runs fasta dan de lion"

A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:

"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. ...

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I go to the butchers the other day,

and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you."
The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday."
"You fired him? What for?"
"I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer."
"He had his *dick* inside the bacon slicer?"...

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A farmer in France sees a foreigner bending down next to the river.

The foreigner leans over and voraciously scoops up water from the river to drink using his right hand. He gulps down the water hungrily, much to the farmer's shock.

The farmer runs over to the foreigner and tries to warns him in French: "Monsieur, ce n'est pas sain! Mes animaux pisse et merde...

I just graded a social studies essay on capitalism

Dan, my brightest student, wrote a brilliant essay about how wages and labor are balanced to ensure that a vendor sells his product at a competitive price. I gave him A marks.

Emily wrote an essay that touched upon the fundamentals, but didn't really explain the concepts with the quality and ...

Drunk guy sat at a bar

Drunk guy sat at a bar, is on his 15+ beer of the evening when he notices 3 newcomers enter the pub and sit at the bar next to him.

"Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" he asks the nearest one.

The newcomer turns to face him and for the first time he see it's a lady with blonde hair.<...

Johnny steals a pencil

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.

"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. A...

Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial plannin...

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied ...

My wife and I do it doggy-style...

...she plays dead and I beg.

-Dan Chopin

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The Postman

Monday morning the postman named Dan is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty be...

I'm dating a half-Asian girl.

Her mom's Korean and her dad's Korean, and her legs got torn off in a car accident.

- Dan Mintz

A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan ...

American teaching class of young foreign exchange students

"Okay class, can any of you use the word Dandelion in a sentence?"

A young boy from Ghana raises his hand and says

"The cheetah is fasta dan-de-lion!"

What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon?

"Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"

What did one potatoe say to another?

Dan Quayle wrote this joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l...

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What're nuts on a wall?

Bob: What are nuts on a wall?

Dan: walnuts?

Bob: What are nuts on a chest?

Dan: Chestnuts?

Bob: What are nuts on your chin?

Dan: Chinnuts?

Bob: No, dick in your mouth!

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