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Dick Jokes

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Does your touch your

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your touch your ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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A has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an , his best friend's a , and his owner beats him.

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

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Guy goes to Doc because his is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

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I told this girl I have a huge and she said I don’t like big .

So I said, Do you like liars?

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My is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

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I told a girl my was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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What do you call a guy with a small ?

Just-in!

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What's the difference between a joke and a ?

You're not good at taking a joke.

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What is the difference between your and your jokes?

No one laughing at your jokes.

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A man badly damaged his in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your , using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his bursts out of ...

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My blind girlfriend said my was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

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I clean my for the same reason I polish my trophies:

I want them to look good even though they serve absolutely no purpose.

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What is the heroin equivalent of "Whiskey "?

Poppycock.

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[] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his .

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his . A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of tonight!

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his out...

...others saw it coming.

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro ...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a about it.

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

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Can your touch your ?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your touch your ?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to

Mostly because his name is Steve

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tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual .
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to , they often want to my just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

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I accidentally sent a pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey ...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's .

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

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My is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... ...

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My girl caught me blowing my with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

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The Smallest In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

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If a blind girl tells you your is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

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I got fired for sticking my in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare sizes. weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

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George claims that his is the "Hardest In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his .


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his . The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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What's worse than waking up with a drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s ?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. move.

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Can your touch your ?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your reach your ?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

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I got my stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

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Life is like a

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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You know what women say to guys with big dicks?

Me neither

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I took sucking class in college and got an F

I sucked so hard at it.

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A man complains to his wife his is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my I ca...

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I got a tattoo of a $100 dollar bill on my .

So when my wife ask for some money, I pull down my pants and tell her she can blow $100

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Looking for good president jokes.

Please post jokes that can't be just copy-pasted from one administration to another.

Here, I'll start.

George Bush and Cheney stopped in to a small diner for breakfast while touring through the country.

The waitress comes to take their orders. Cheney orders an omelette. Sh...

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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How do you chop a neo nazi's off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

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Voodoo

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

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Voodoo

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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What's the difference between my and my paycheck?

I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

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My is so big...

When I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way form A to Z!

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have with John I touch his and say your is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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Does my thai girlfriend have a

Something inside me is telling me yes

Why is "" short for Richard?

Genetics

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Voodoo

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me ".

She said "how do you get from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

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my might not be 12 inches

But it smells like a foot

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Would you rather sit on a and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat ?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job

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I won a measuring competition.

I measured more dicks than everyone!

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What do you call 10 dicks?

Dix

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

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A man found his all red and swollen after banging a .

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Cheney.

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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Does your touch your ?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your touch your ?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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Who’s Moby ’s father?

Papa

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Wearing crocs is like getting your sucked by a man.

Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.

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Orange

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange . The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty no...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have with Peter, I gently put my hand on his and say:
*Your is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a to at this time of night?

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Can you touch your to your ?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your to your ?"

Taken aback the boy...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.

He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.

"I trained my to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. ", ten-HUT!"

His springs straight up, erect and raring...

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The Voodoo

A man enters a shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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The biker and the

A biker is zooming along a country road on a hot Sunday in August.

Suddenly, he feels a hit on his helmet, stops, and realizes he has hit a little bird.

Unsure of what to do, he tucks it under h
is seat to take it home to help it recover.

He places it in the basement in a ...

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If you ever stick your inside a peanut butter jar...

You're nuts

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Why don't Russian girls like small dicks?

They can't tell if it is Putin or not.

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

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What did the man with the average size say while getting a ?

You a mean

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Girls can’t stop talking about my huge

All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge ” every time someone mentions me

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

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A joke

It's short, but it always gets laughed at.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's ."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my ', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ''Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have s...

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I was excited when my girlfriend told me I have a mean

Until I realized she is a math major

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My was in the Guinness World Records Book

Then they kicked me out of the library.

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If having a big car means you have a small and having big feet means you have a big

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

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I changed my gmail password to “my ”

But google said it was too short.

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Tiny is dead.

*Little Richard

Damn autocorrect.

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Why do dogs lick their dicks?

Because they can't make a fist.

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I call my "the Dallas Cowboys"

Because it can't last a day without getting beat, it doesn't have any rings on it, and it disappoints everybody who wants to look at it.

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

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In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete .

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories or having a big .

Obviously I chose

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What do you call a real skinny ?

A girth defect.

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A deaf couple wants to know when to have ...

The wife says, "If you want to have , squeeze my once. If you don't want to have , squeeze my twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have , pull my once. If you don't want to have , pull my 437 times."

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I bought a dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

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What do call a wrapped in Silk?

A Cockoon!

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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my ?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

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Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a ?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

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Does anyone know a good joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

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My wife told me to get pills

She told me to get those pills that make your standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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Walked in on my roommate sticking his in a jar of almonds

He's nuts.

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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I apologised to my girlfriend during for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my in her ear.

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real move.

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A young lady becomes a , and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a . He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a . He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big . The nun says how will I know if a man has a big just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d- is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long for a 4-inch-long .

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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A group a of 3rd grade boys are being called a name by some 4th graders…

The 4th graders kept calling the 3rd graders dicks.
Naturally the younger kids had no clue what a was, so one boy speaks up and says he’ll ask his dad wha a was.
Once home, he proceeded to ask his dad what it was.
Taken back by such a question, the dad say, “not only can I tell y...

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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Moby goes to a bar

And swims up to the bartender and orders his usual, a bucket of plankton. The shark bartender prepares his order and slides it over to the whale at the bar but notices the whale start eating without saying thanks.

“Hey, you’re welcome!” yells the bartender

A couple seconds goes by an...

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love .

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The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

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2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

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Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

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What do you call it when you get your stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you never put a watch on a stiff ?

It’ll give a you a hard time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get out of friend zone ,send her a pic

Whatever happens next ,you won't be stuck in friend zone for sure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people tell big jokes, some people tell small jokes

My dicks a medium- it talks to ghosts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you a mean .

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does it mean if you're gullible about jokes?

You're a sucker.

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