UPJOKE
peckerpricktoolshafthawkshawphallusrobertsonfelladudemembercolloquialismdetectiveobscenityfilthinvestigator

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Women are like condoms

They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

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My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

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they say make-up sex is the best sex

But I can't even get my dick in the fucking mascara bottle

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My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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My dick is like life.. Life is hard

Life is also short

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A burp joke[NSFW]

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says "tonight is gonna be a good night, I can smell the dick in the air", the other says, "sorry I just burped".

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Chuck Norris once

-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

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what's the hardest part about having sex with a monkey?

training it to suck your dick without peeling it

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What's the hardest part about being a urologist?

The majority of your patients are dicks and cunts, and you have to deal with assholes every day.

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What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical deity?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of dicks.

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How most men wake up in the morning...

The brain: "Ah, fucking hell!"

The body: "Don't give up!"

The dick: "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!"

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

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A blind girl was giving me a handjob once

She says "Wow, this is the biggest dick I've ever layed my hands on!"

I'm like "Nah, you're just pulling my leg"

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She said, "Where are you going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?"

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Why did the pervert cross the road? [NSFW]

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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I told my buddy I was getting married.

I told my buddy I was getting married and he said, "Welp, no more blowjobs for you."

And I said, "Really dude?! Wow... Just because I'm getting married you're not gonna suck my dick anymore?!"



Source: Rob Stant

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

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An old lady went to the bank.

She said to the Banker. I'd like to open a joint account.

"With who?" asked the banker, She replied.

"Anyone who has lots of money and a big dick"

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My dick is a thermobaric rocket

Allies refrain from using it, and they would die from laughter induced asphyxiation if they ever saw it.

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

I ain't never seen anyone get their dick sucked by a piano.

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

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A man walks into the doctors office

"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the elderly receptionist.
"Somethings wrong with my dick!"
"Sir!" The receptionist exclaimed "you can't say that in front of everyone! You just embarrassed me and you embarrassed everyone in the waiting room."
"Well you asked" said the man.
"Yah but y...

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A prince went to a foreign kingdom to marry one of the king's daughters.

He pulled his pants down and asked: What is this called?


The oldest daughter said: That's a dick.


The prince said he didn't want to marry her. Then he went to the middle daughter and asked the same question.


The middle daughter blushed but said: Well, that's a dick.<...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

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My dick was in the Guinness book of World records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out of there.

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When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely. (Dont know if this needed to be nsfw)

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He...

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what is the one similarity between a dick and a bottled drink

U shake them well for best taste

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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The good brother

A farmer and his wife are sitting out on the porch at the end of the day.

After a couple shots of moonshine, the farmer reaches over and grabs his wife's tit and says,"You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

The wife reaches over, grabs the farmer's dick and sa...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

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What do you call a Dalmatian that’s British and rude?

A spotted dick.

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NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fr...

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What do you call a chick that doesn’t suck dick?

You don’t

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I’ve been dating twins.

It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes. Susie has blonde hair, while Mike has a dick.

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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick

If you guys have more Moby Dick jokes, let me know in the comments

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What a strange bar (long)

A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. Bored, he decided to take a walk and find a bar nearby. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. He noticed 4 walnuts sitti...

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.


Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."


The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"


Grandpa says "Well, ...

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A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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Three men in a bar were bragging about their performance

The first man says “I’m so good at satisfying my wife, she floats an inch above the bed afterwards”

The second man quickly responds, “That’s nothing. After sex, my wife floats a full foot above the bed”.

The third man snort laughs, “I’m so good that after sex, my wife hits the ceiling”...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

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Will Smith should take a joke the same way Jada takes a dick

From everyone...except Will Smith.

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Rich guy in a high end bar.

So a very wealthy man walks into a bar he frequents due to the fact it's only for the most wealthy patrons. One night he goes in and he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen decked out in the finest diamonds mixed with other precious gemstones throughout. He approached her and buys her a...

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

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I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

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A Little Greek Humor

Nobody:


Polyphemus: Okay, first off that was a real dick move.

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King Richard’s coronation must have been interesting.

Everyone was waiting patiently for a good Dick King.

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

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[NSFW] Jack visits a fetish club for the first time.

Jack, a man who is looking to explore himself hears about a wild fetish club where people can indulge in just about *anything.* He's a little nervous, but he finally talks himself into going just to see what it's all about.

When he gets there, Jack's immediately overwhelmed. The whole place s...

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Wel...

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Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...

He didn't even show up!

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Streaming has made me less Christian

I mean, imagine having no viewers when you were promised God was always watching, but he lurks in chat and never subscribes. What a dick!

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a famous Mexican restaurateur, entered the 6th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teac...

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Long story

So there’s this guy “Big johnny” we would call him, who lives in a small town has a reputation for having a big dick. One woman slept with him and told everyone she knew that it was big. After that got out he was getting swarmed with woman in town trying to go for a ride.

Big Johnny said to m...

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Doctor, you have to help me.

I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.

My God, that's horrible. Clearly you need help. Don't worry, with therapy I'm sure we can rid you of this awful impulse.

Thank you, doctor. I don't know what might have happened. If I fin...

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

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My dick is so big...

When I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!

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Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

… no i-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

… still no i-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?

… still no fucking i-deer

Why couldn't this guy stop humping a bell?

Because it was A-dick-ting

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

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What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

I didn’t jelly my dick in your mom’s ass last night.

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anythi...

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An American college student is in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day

So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The Amer...

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Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident?

Some dick cut her off.

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Three of the smallest people on earth get into an argument…

about who is the smallest. The first guy says “I know for sure, I got the smallest hands of any man who ever lived.” The other two didn’t believe him. So, he went to the Guinness book of world records to get measured. Sure enough, the next day he shows up with a gold-seal certificate from Guinne...

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Almond Daiquiri

So there’s a doctor who would regularly go to the pub that was directly next to the hospital that he worked at. After some time, he got on first name terms with the barman, his name was Dick and Dick would always prepare the Doctor’s favourite drink before he would arrive, an almond daiquiri.
Th...

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

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They didn’t draw a dick on your face at last nights party…

..they traced it.

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

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Tarzan

After a horrific accident, Tarzan had to go through miracle jungle surgery. His eyes were replaced with an eagles…. His legs were replaced with a cheetahs…. And his penis was replaced with an elephant trunk.

Tarzan was amazed! He could see farther with his eagle eyes, run faster with his chee...

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Desert Island Dicks

A man who has been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a pig and a dog. One day, the man decides he’s had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. Bu...

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To get out of friendzone..

Send her a dick pic .

Whatever happens next,one thing is sure,you won't be stuck in friend zone

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You can probably buy him a drink first.

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

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A Ukrainian Man Marries a Russian Woman.

Before the wedding night, the Ukrainian groom's father takes him aside, to give him some advice.

When you go down on her, grab her firmly and throw her on the bed. She should know, that Ukraine is **strong**.

Then, you show her your dick. She should know, that Ukraine is **big**.
...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

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I never send dick pics.

I'm more of a "disappoint them in person" type of guy.

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I love my job

I suck at my job and my boss is a dick

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

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An old man and woman are lying in bed together

The old man gets horny and decides to wake up his wife
He says “ If you wanna have sex with me shake my dick one time, if you don’t wanna have sex with me then shake it a hundred times”

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What do BMWs and Vaginas have in common?

Dicks like to drive in them.

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As someone named Richard, I'm tired of people calling me Dick

From now on, call me Peter

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

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Nsfw.. I apolagised to my wife during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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An old man and an old woman in a nursing home….

The old man says to the old women that he is feeling lonely since his wife passed. The woman lost her husband years ago and agrees that it can get lonely so the old man makes a suggestion. “Can you hold my dick”. The woman is disgusted but then the old man begins to cry and says his wife used to do ...

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Hey why the long face?"
Everyone laughs.
The horse replies, "I don't know but why do you all have small dicks?"

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Nuts

It you put nuts on a chest, what do you have? Chestnuts
If you put nuts on a wall, what do you have? Walnuts
If you put nuts on your chin, what do you have? I'd say you have a dick in your mouth.

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My girlfriend has a lot of dick pics on her old computer

She has a hard disk drive

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I took a girl back to my place last night

An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick."

"I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied.

There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"

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life of a dick aint easy.

I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
My best friends a pussy.
My closest neighbors an asshole
And everytime I get excited I throw up.

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

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I believe it's a true story... who knows?

Someone told me this joke many years ago. They say it was an English couple in Algarve (Portugal) but I believe this can be a joke (Btw, English not my main language...)

A man and woman enter an hospital. The man has blood on his dick and the wife has a burn on her face and back.

The d...

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

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(NSFW) Bob Gets Assigned to the Artic Circle and to His Dismay He Notices There are No Women?

Bob gets assigned to the Artic Circle and to his dismay he notices there are no women?

Bob approaches a random coworker named Steve and says, "I notice there are no women around here?"

Steve: You've got good eye, sadly, no, there are no women.

Bob looks around and says, "Well...

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“Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna’ go on a picnic?”

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Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

"What in the name of the lord is happening here?", he asks in shock.

"Come on in, pastor Jim, we're playing a game" says one of the drunken men.

"What kind of games is this?" inquir...

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