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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

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A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

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My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

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Having sex is like having a big dick....

I don't

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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

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What animal is the only one with a dick in the middle of its back?

A police horse

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

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What’s worse that waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

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I named my dick life...

I can't get out of bed in the morning because life is hard.

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What do you call it when you’re watching porn, and you finish right as it shows the guy’s dick?

Dishonorable discharge

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Dick is often used to shorten the Name Richard. How does one get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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Everyone I sleep with tells me my dick is a big joke

A real knee slapper

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

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Why life is so hard when you're a dick?

You always have to stand up for your problems





First post and Im making a bad jokes

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What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

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My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

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Having a Dick is very difficult because...

Sometimes it gets very hard

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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

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I don’t like people who brag about their dick

I think they are too ego-testicle

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long

And name it ElonGates

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You know, I don't mind having a small dick

It may be 3 inches but it sure smells like a foot

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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They say “Never stick your dick in crazy”... (NSFW)

But then what am I supposed to do when they tell me to go fuck myself?

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My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about

I still wish she hadn't got one

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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I like to call my dick The Hulk

Because it's green and probably has cancer

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At birth, I was given a choice - either be born with a great memory or a huge dick.

I can't say I remember what I chose.

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Wanna know the difference between life and dicks?

Life is always hard.

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ''Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have s...

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Alexzandre told his mom he had the biggest dick in the 8th grade.

He asked her if it was because he was Polish. She said, “No, it’s because you’re eighteen. "

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My dick was once in the guinness book of records...

Till I was thrown out of the library.

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I let my wife use my dick pump...

The vacuum cleaner is broken and we can't afford a new one.

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I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

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My dick is a gentleman

Cuz he always stands up for ladies.

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I got an STD, a Super Thick Dick

Nah, just kidding, I have AIDS

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My ex-gf had a dick but we had to break up

..She was a huge pain in the ass

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A guy wants a sex-signal arrangement with his wife. "Listen, everytime you want to fuck, pull just my dick three times..."

"And when I don't want to?" she asks.

"No problem! Just pull my dick 6,244 times."

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mum can’t take a joke.

(It’s an old one but I hope it still works)

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A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

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My dick is like a minion meme

You might think its cringe

But your mom loves it

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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

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Tiny Dick is dead.

*Little Richard

Damn autocorrect.

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What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny

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Life is like a dick

Sometimes it’s up

Sometimes it’s down

And it won’t be hard forever

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What is it called when you email someone a dick pic?

Junk mail

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What do hackers from movies and guys with small dicks have in common?

They both have to say 'I'm in'.

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Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

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What’s the difference between your dick and a light switch?

A light switch actually turns things on.

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What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

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Bully: I bet your dick is a size of a tic tac

The quiet kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good

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My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19

She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom

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In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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I like my jokes the way I like dick

Dark and unexpected

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What do you call a white guy with a big dick?

Michael Jackson

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

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Jokes about uncircumcised dicks...

They just don't cut it.

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

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My son asked me if a dick and balls were the same thing.

I had to explain that there was a vas deferens between the two.

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A friend of mine had his heart beating fast when his GF touched his dick for the first time.

But it got faster when he touched hers

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Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

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Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

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Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

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Guy: I would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.

Girl: Ha HA... well I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you wouldn't get it.

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I once walked into a room with lord palpatine with his dick in pennywise’s ass

I guess that’s one way to do it

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I had a Dollar bill tattooed on my dick

cos I love to watch my money grow.

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My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

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Do you know what you should call a scitzophrenic bloke with his dick in a jar of peanut butter?

Don't worry about it, he is just fucking nuts.

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A Policeman on a horse stops a little girl on a bike and says “Did Santa get you that?”

“Yes" replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her £30.

The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The Policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Wel...

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I used to have sex with men who had small dicks

Now I'm not sure if I have it in me.

Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!

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My girlfriend told me that I always think with my dick.

She blew my mind.

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What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I’m going in

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Thanks to COVID, from now on, whenever I'm in an elevator, I'll be using my dick to press the buttons.

Hopefully I don't ever have to go above the third floor.

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

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[NSFW] People told me that my dick would be completely different since my surgery,

but I havent noticed a vas deferens because of it.

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A man tries to join the Big Dick Club...

He goes to the front desk and they ask him how big his dick is. "15 inches." He replies with a proud grin. But the guy at the desk just laughs. Everyone in the room just laughs at this poor guy. He sulks. Ashamed, he heads toward the door, but a janitor stops him. "Hey, don't feel bad. They deny a l...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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Whoever says Asian men have small dicks is wrong!

I knew this Vietnamese banker, and he had a lot of dong

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A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar

Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me Dick

Her : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?

Him : you ask nicely ...

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My dicks like a pickle

Its bumpy

Has a sour taste

And my niece always takes it out of the burger

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i often feel sad when i see my dick

it’s hard to not look down on the little guy

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

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