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My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

A new teacher

was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yours...

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

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"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."

The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.

The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

My Statistics teacher said I was just average.

I told him that’s mean...

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

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My highschool physics teacher always used to say "Time will pass."

"Will you?"

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[NSFW] During a biology class, the teacher says

During a biology class, the teacher says, " Your semen has some glucose in it."


At which, a kid goes, " So, it must taste sweet. But, it doesn't."


Teacher: "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of it."

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

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A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and wen...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the music teacher get arrested

For fingering A minor

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

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Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs ...

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I got fired from my job as a music teacher today

Called a student's house and told his parents, "you know, your son John is pretty good in my class. He reminds me of a young Elvis."

"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"

"No," I replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Why did the physics teacher take his class up the mountain?

That is where they have the most potential.

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

5678

All the students were afraid of the Spanish teacher because she would ask random questions throughout class

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

Teacher vs redditor

*Teacher:* ''Construct a sentence using the word "sugar''
*Redditor:* ''I drank tea this morning.''
*Teacher:* ''Where is the word sugar.''
*Redditor:* ''It is already in the tea..!!''



*TEACHER*: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.

*TEACHER* : Class, what is photos...

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

How does an English teacher laugh?

Ha(d) ha(d)

First joke that I ever make please don't kill me

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

Teacher joke: Why was the whiteboard marker always so angry?

Because he was irascible.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

(also this is not my joke I just thought it was good)

A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?"

"A racecar," replies his teacher.



*20 years later*



The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.

Teacher: Whats the absolute zero?

Me: 0 K, Boomer

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

The teacher's pet.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.  "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Li...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher.

"5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

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Math teachers and sex Ed teachers both have the same problem

There are at lest some students who will yell “why is this important, I don’t get it”

Everyone thinks that our math teacher is mean.

But I would say he’s average.

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

Teacher: Little Johnny, name two pronouns

Little Johnny: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good

My teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence

The first student said "my favorite colors are green, yellow, and pink."

The second student said "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my shirt it pink."

Finally, a Mexican kid piped up and said "when my phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

Students of kindergarten teachers are getting fatter and fatter

Their pupils are dilating.

Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Two math teachers were discussing their classes.

One of them said, “My class is so bad, they don’t even know what 3 - 5 is!”

The other replied, “Mine is too!”

I asked my science teacher if she has a favorite element

She said No

What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, teacher caught it.

And then they fired me.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

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A priest and a teacher are running out of a burning school.

The priest yells to the teacher “but what about the kids?!”

“Fuck the kids,” yelled the teacher.

The priest then asks, “Do we even have time for that?”

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

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The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did ...

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

Teacher : Who's your favourite Actor?

Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Teacher: Spell it?!
Me: only joking its Jet Li

What’s a math teacher’s favorite species?

It’s Algae, Brah

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A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

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A teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on a boat...

The boat hits a rock and starts stinking.

The teacher says "Save the kids!"

The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!"

The priest says "Do you think we'll have time?"

My math teacher came out today

She stood in front of the class and said she was binomial.

A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began ...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

A teacher asked in class: “How is your dad?”

A kid sits up and tries to answer: My dad is a legend for me!”
- Why, Billy? asked the teacher.
- Because he doesn’t exist!

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

A student asks his chemistry teacher

Student: Do we get zinc sulfate when zinc reacts with sulfate?

Teacher: I zinc SO

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I ...

Teacher: "What's everyone's favorite letter?"

Student: "The letter G!"


Teacher: "Why is that, Angus?"

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?"

Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

My teacher asked me to stay behind and convert the numbers 51, 6, and 500 into Roman Numerals in detention.

I was LIVID.

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

My chemistry teacher asked me if I knew anything about sodium hypobromite.

I replied, "NaBrO"

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

Ever wonder what the love life of a high school physics teacher is like?

Assume there is no friction.

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A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

Teacher: "Someone please give me a palindrome."

Student: "Ma'am?"

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

My teacher told me to "pay attention"

And I say "sorry, my student loans don't cover it"

Why did the teacher never fart in public?

Because she was a private tooter.

A teacher asked Abdullah what comes after C.

He answered 4.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand

The teacher said good what else

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

A teacher was taking attendance

She noticed one student was missing and marked him absent. She continues on with her lesson until, about a half hour in, the student walks in. She says to him, “You’re late.” He says nothing and instead pulls out a clock, “No,” he says and proceeds to sit on the clock, “I’m right on time.”

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