A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Johnny raises his hand in class and asks, “Teacher do you think someone should get in trouble for something they didn’t do?”

The teacher responds, “Of course, not!”

Johnny: “Oh, good. I didn’t do my homework.”

Why can’t Snape be the Herbology teacher?

He can’t keep Lillies alive.

A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Teacher:

Whoever answers my next question can go home.

Little Johnny throws his bag out of the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Little Johnny: Me, and I’m going home now!

An elementary teacher, middle manager, and lawyer die and go to heaven...

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and explains that to get in they each have to answer one question correctly.

The teacher goes first. St. Peter says "What was the name of the famous ship that sank after striking an iceberg in 1912?"

"The Titanic!"

"Right, off you go." T...

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

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A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.

Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was filled with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, didn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card out of the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student looked at his teacher and ...

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

Little Johny tells his teacher he is fast at math.

LJ: “Teacher, I am fast at math.”

T: “Ok. Then what is 2132 * 326?”

LJ: “371”

T: “That’s not even close”

LJ: “But it was fast”

A teacher arrives to work drunk.

"Alright class, today we're going to... I don't bloody know. Learn the alphabet"

"Are you okay sir?" enquires one of the pupils.

"It starts A, B, C, D you idiot!"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Teacher: Children, today we are going to learn how to count.

Teacher: Please open page 12.

Children:

The teacher told his Mexican student to turn in his essay...

To which he replied, "Nah, man. I ain't no snitch."

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwhich.

Hospital bill is pretty high.

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

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A third grade teacher was teaching English.

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:


‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’


‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.


The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...

My teacher used to always keep us in check by saying "What goes up must come down"

Great guy, bad flight instructor

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

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Why is having sex with a teacher better than having sex with a doctor?

After, the doctor says "next one, please" where the teacher says "now let's repeat that!"

My math teacher grew seaweed on his wife's undergarments.

He really was fond of algae-bra.

A kamikaze teacher explains to his students:

Students pay attention I will show you once.

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

Little Johnny asked his teacher a question.

"If there were two doors where one of them led to unlimited money and the second one ked ti a path guiding to knowledge, which one would you choose Mrs. P?"


Mrs. P: Obviously, the door with the knowledge.


Johnny: I would go for the door with unlimited money since one only w...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.

"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."

"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a s...

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

### One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was


The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs c...

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

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The teacher brings some venison to school..

She says “this is a different meat, it’s something your mom calls your dad…”

A voice from the back screams “don’t eat it it’s asshole!!”

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

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A 2nd Grade Teacher's Class

A 2nd grade teacher is having a class one day and she says to the kids in the room "Class, today we are going to find out what your dad's do for a living. I want you to say what he does, spell it and if he were here today what he would do for us."

Mary, jumps up and raises her hand quickly, s...

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Did you hear about the teacher who farted on their first day?

Yeah, they were so embarrassed that they quit. Now they're a full time tooter.

I complained to my maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom

He told me to stand in the corner.

Because the coner is 90 degrees

My teacher: "Are there any classes you are struggling with?"

Me: "The Bourgeoisie."

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."


Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."


Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."


Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
...

I was browsing through Netflix with my cooking teacher.

She said, "I don't know what we should watch."

I said, "Would you consider Squid Game?"

She said, "No, because it isn't wild meat."

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the word “horticulture” in a sentence?

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the world “horticulture” in a sentence?
Jimmy: Sure. You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

Teacher: Name 2 pronouns

Student: Who, me?

(And that's it!)

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

What did the horse ask his teacher?

Equestrian

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Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

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A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...

A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.

"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thin...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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What can you say as a teacher, but also during sex?

I'd better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period.

The teacher told little Johnny to make a sentence with the word "continue".

Johnny thought for a moment, remembered something his dad told his mom, and replied "Once a month, biology really brings out the continue".

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read….

"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Did hear about the math teacher who took off all her clothes and went swimming in a lake?

She came out with an algae-bra.

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

Teacher : What do you do after school ?

"I always go to buy cigarettes from Basil" - Girl 1

"I always go to buy weed from Basil" - Boy 1

"I always go to buy cocaine from Basil" - Girl 2

"I always go and do my homework" - Boy 2

The teacher, nearly surviving a heart attack after hearing the answers, had a smile o...

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

Teacher: "What's 1 minus 1?"

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

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I was really into my hot teacher

One day I decided to try and flirt with her. And she was into it.

Well one thing led to another and we ended up doing the nasty.

But then her husband came home from work early and caught us in the act.

Then he beat the ever-loving crap out of me and kicked me out of his house....

A teacher asks one of her students...

- What do people get from the hen?
- Eggs.
- Correct. And what else?
- Meat.
- Very well. And what's the last thing we get from the chicken?
- More eggs?
- Hmm think for a while if you need.
- Uhhh...
- Ok, what do you sleep on?
- On the floor.
- And what do you have u...

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

Did you know that all high school math teachers are lonely?

You can tell by them always asking you to find the X

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins.

She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.

From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

A former kindergarten teacher asked a former kindergarten student a word that rhymes with "duck".

The student's answer explains why they're "former".

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

Teacher: You should wash your face in the morning

"I can tell what you had for breakfast. You ate scrambled eggs"

Student; "Haha, you're wrong, sir. I ate eggs yesterday".

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

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A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and buy a fancy car."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and buy two fancy cars."

"I would have hair," says J...

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

How do you know your math teacher is in love with you?

They give you aba-kisses

A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.

Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”

Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

poor teacher

A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.

The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"

Everyone went back to their seats except for one.

"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,

"No, but i didnt want you to be...

One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.

Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!

Teachers hate my daughter procrastinating.

I don’t know why though. She has done nothing.

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What does a Christian Sex-Ed teacher drink?

Abstininth

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

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A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

A teacher asks a student to "name two animals peculiar to Australia"

He responds with "The polar bear and penguin are peculiar to Australia, but the kangaroo and dingo live there."

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

My best mate’s dyslexic and one of our teachers suggested he try poetry

He’s made 3 vases so far

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?<...

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One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The t...

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?

Let’s try a different angle

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

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Yesterday i called my teacher "dad"

Probably one of the most akward things i did during sex

Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.

Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!

One day the teacher asks the class:

“If i threw a rock at the 9 birds sitting on the fence and took 4 of them down. How many birds would there be left?”

The whole class answers five except one student. He says “No Ms. Brown. There would be 0 because the others would fly away.”

Teacher gets impressed and says “I like your...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"?

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

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A WW2 pilot visited a girls school.

He was talking to the pupils about his time in the battle, and he said, “I was flying in formation when three fuckers came up behind me”.

The teacher quickly interjects, “young ladies, you must understand the ‘Fokker’ is a type of German aeroplane”.

The pilot replies, “yes, but these...

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

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Teacher asks a question from the next chapter in a class. You are able to answer because:

You Reddit.

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

A fresh-out-of-the-uni teacher

A teacher fresh out of the university gets hired to teach a class of 2nd year kids. On the first day she decides to do a little experiment on the kids. She stands in front of the class and says, "Would all of you kids, who think they're stupid, please stand up." No one does except for little Johnny....

Numbers

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack,"...

I asked my sciemce teacher what the chemical symbol for sodium was...

He said "Na"

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq?
Johnny: I don't know miss

Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies
Johnny: Please miss, can I ask a question?

Teacher: Yes
Johnny: Do u know Angela?

Teacher: No, Why?
Johnny: You need to focus more on your husband...

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up

Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

Little John stands up

Teacher: "Ohh, John you think you're stupid?"

Little John: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

How do you get a math teacher pregnant

Cream π

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

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A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

Teacher student

Teacher giving a lesson on circulation of blood says to her class, “Now, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes” the whole class agrees.

“Then why is it,” she continues, “that while I am standing upright, the blood d...

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It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????

My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!...

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent.

So a subreddit

Teacher's birthday

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She l...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

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