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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

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An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

My maths teacher screamed at me for my math average

How mean!

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered a minor

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A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and wen...

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?"

"A racecar," replies his teacher.



*20 years later*



The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

5678

How does an English teacher laugh?

Ha(d) ha(d)

First joke that I ever make please don't kill me

I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

Students of kindergarten teachers are getting fatter and fatter

Their pupils are dilating.

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Math teachers and sex Ed teachers both have the same problem

There are at lest some students who will yell “why is this important, I don’t get it”

Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay today

I told her I ain't no snitch

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

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A priest and a teacher are running out of a burning school.

The priest yells to the teacher “but what about the kids?!”

“Fuck the kids,” yelled the teacher.

The priest then asks, “Do we even have time for that?”

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A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher.

"5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

My math teacher came out today

She stood in front of the class and said she was binomial.

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

A teacher asked in class: “How is your dad?”

A kid sits up and tries to answer: My dad is a legend for me!”
- Why, Billy? asked the teacher.
- Because he doesn’t exist!

A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began ...

A student asks his chemistry teacher

Student: Do we get zinc sulfate when zinc reacts with sulfate?

Teacher: I zinc SO

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?"

Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

A teacher asks the class “What’s 119 + 1?”

One student answers “5!”

The teacher then says to the student “correct”

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

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A teacher, a lawyer and a priest are on a boat...

The boat hits a rock and starts stinking.

The teacher says "Save the kids!"

The lawyer says "Fuck the kids!"

The priest says "Do you think we'll have time?"

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I ...

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The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did ...

Ever wonder what the love life of a high school physics teacher is like?

Assume there is no friction.

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

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A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils.

My teacher asked me to stay behind and convert the numbers 51, 6, and 500 into Roman Numerals in detention.

I was LIVID.

My teacher told me to "pay attention"

And I say "sorry, my student loans don't cover it"

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Teacher: "What's everyone's favorite letter?"

Student: "The letter G!"


Teacher: "Why is that, Angus?"

My chemistry teacher asked me if I knew anything about sodium hypobromite.

I replied, "NaBrO"

Teacher: "Someone please give me a palindrome."

Student: "Ma'am?"

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Tim was in sex education class when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, “What is this called?”

Tim put his hand up and answered, “That’s a pussy, Miss Stevens.”

She rolled her eyes, and replied, “Give me a medical term, please.”

“Oh, sorry,” Tim replied. “That’s a pussy, Doctor Stevens.”

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

A teacher asked what the most flammable thing is

A Jewish kid said oh me me me while raising his hand

The teacher said good what else

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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

A teacher asked Abdullah what comes after C.

He answered 4.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

A teacher was taking attendance

She noticed one student was missing and marked him absent. She continues on with her lesson until, about a half hour in, the student walks in. She says to him, “You’re late.” He says nothing and instead pulls out a clock, “No,” he says and proceeds to sit on the clock, “I’m right on time.”

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked you father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Trevor: One.

Teacher: You dont know your math.

Trevor: You don't know my father.

Teacher: Name something beginning with E that you are not very good at.

Student: Spelling!

On Tinder I’m looking for special ed teachers

So they know how to deal with me

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

In chemistry class, the teacher asked a girl, what is 'nitrate'?

Girl: "$100 + hotel room bill.. this is my night rate!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher said....

"Your grammar is shit."
I replied "Yeah, well your grandad's an ass."

I'm a high school teacher

and I teach 1st grade!

An old teacher asked her student

"If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Why did the teacher never fart in public?

Because she was a private tooter.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

Several engineer teachers are invited to fly a plane

Then the teachers are told that their students made the plane. All the teachers immediately gets off except one. When questioned about why the teacher didn’t get off the teacher responded

I have complete faith in my student, if they made the plane, there is NO WAY that this plane will even ta...

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Tommy is a shy Kindergartener and his teacher calls him to the front of the class to say his alphabet...

Tommy reluctantly stood up, and eventually to the front of the class. Nervous, he starts to say his alphabet. “ABCDEFG,HIJKLMO..QRS,TUV, WX,Y and Z. “That was very good Tommy.” the teacher said. “But you forgot your P”. Then Tommy replied, “Its running down my pants!”

My friend's wellness teacher asked him in freshman year what the most common STD in the world was...

Apparently, pregnancy was the wrong answer.

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Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

What is an English teacher's favourite tree?

Poetry

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A student asks his history teacher...

A student asks his history teacher, "What is the practical use of history in real life??"

She replies, "You'll find out soon."

Twenty years later, the boy, now a grown man, was walking down the street thinking-"I work in an MNC, and never used history. My teacher was wrong..."

S...

My teacher hated my Powerpoint presentation about the NRA....

Too many bullet points.

Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant?

Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke.

Teacher: Use dandelion in the sentence

Kid *Jamaican accent*: The cheetah is faster dandelion

My Alg II teacher told us this one (Part 1)

There was a man named Boodro who lives in Louisiana. He has had just gotten done crab fishing and had went into town with a bucket full of crabs. His friend Tibbideux comes out of a nearby store, and sees his bucket. Tibbideux says, "Hey, what's in that bucket?" And Boodro replies, "I got crabs in t...

The teacher wrote on the blackboard:

"I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday

Homeschooling is weird

Teacher to politician: "Sir, why are you distributing sweets and celebrating? Your son has failed in the class"

Politician: "In a class of 40 students, 21 failed. So the majority is with my son"

Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

A teacher is checking if the children know the currencies from around the world.

First she asks Mike about Britain's currency and he says:"Pounds."

Then she asks Joe about America's currency he says:"Dollars."

Finally she gets to Peter and asks him what is Germany's currency.

He says:"TIMES."

Bamboozled, she asks what is "times"?

Peter:"Well yo...

A math teacher went to a kids birthday party and gave him a math book

The kid was eager to open the present, so he opened it in front of his teacher, when he opened the present the kid looked confused and asked “why did you give me a math book?” The teacher answered “It’s the thought that counts”

“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?”

“ I don’t know, but Alaska.”

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

I asked my yoga teacher if he was going to go home from the studio right after class,

He said: Namaste.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction..

I just want to make a difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

How do chemistry teachers greet each other?

"Hydrogen iodide"

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pupil was describing to his parents how his teacher went around the world, travelling from place to place but only stopping in sex clubs, dungeons and brothels.

Sir cum-navigated the globe.

My music teacher taught me how to steal sheet music...

He told me to take notes.

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird t...

What did the vampire say to the teacher?

See you next period.

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