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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

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Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" a...

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Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storm...

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

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What can a teacher say in class and during sex?

I better wrap this one up, because you'll miss your next period.

Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

teacher and class

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

My teacher told me to turn in my essay...

But I ain’t no snitch.

A teacher was trying to teach his students good manners.

He asked Michael:

If you took a girl on a date to a restaurant, how would you say that you have to go to the bathroom?

Wait a minute, I gotta pee, Michael replied.

That would be very rude and inappropriate. How would you ask, Chris?

I'm sorry, but I have to really go to ...

A teacher asks a boy in her class “If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?”

The boy responds with “None.” The teacher asks why. “They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot.”
The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think.
Later, the boy asks the teacher “3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, ...

So my teacher only gave me a week to study before the test.

So I killed him and got 46 years.

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My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

I bumped into my old teacher and was sad when she didn't recognize me

I was home schooled.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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What's a math teacher favorite part of the female body?

Quantitties.

What do you call an ICT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file.

When I was in school my teacher took my mood ring and never gave it back.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

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The principal was sleeping with my teacher

Everybody knew it, it was so awkward. He was so brash, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other cool thing about being homeschooled…

My teacher said she'll call my dad and I couldn't be any happier

can't wait to meet him :)

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Our teacher had us bring cow manure for science.

Was the first time I gave a shit about assignments.

What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

Teacher: What comes before 10?

Student: I have a bomb

A teacher just started working at a new school

During recess he sees a boy smoking in the corner and decides to walk up to him.

He says to the boy "how would your mother feel when she saw this?"

The boy answered "I think she would be very glad."

"Oh and why is that?" Asked the teacher.

To which the boy replied "becaus...

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

My music teacher called me that my son is like Elvis Presley I was so proud

Then the teacher said: Yeah we found him dead on the toilets

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

How do you know your breaking up with a English teacher?

He says it’s not you it’s I

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

My teacher told us she was going to have a baby, but now she cries when we say her name.

I don't know what's wrong with Ms. Carriage.

A teacher notices a kid not paying attention, points at him and asks him to name two pronouns

Who? Me?

My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me

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A female teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

Madam asked: 'Boy, what is your problem?'

The Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade - my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the sto...

My math teacher called me average

I thought that was pretty mean.

TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it.

JOHN: HER

TEACHER: Ok, your sentence?

JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers.

TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next?


DAVE: HIM

TEACHER: Your Sentence?

DAVE: Give him him book. It's hims.

Teacher: How do you spell wrong?

Teacher: How do you spell wrong?
Student:R-O-N-G
Teacher: that’s wrong
Student: that’s what you asked for

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

NSFW My music teacher was perverted...

He taught us how to Scale A Minor.

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that ...

My english teacher used to quote lord of the rings to us

She used to say "you shall not pass"

My chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride and Lithium ions at me

That’s a salt and battery

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

My son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher

“Well I did.” I said.

“Oh? And what happened?”

“Your mother moved you to another school.”

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

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Teacher: "A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes."

Little Johnny: "Your wife is a lucky lady."

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A student seemed upset so a math teacher walks up to him.

The teacher says hey tommy what's wrong?

Tommy says I'm having girl problems and I need help solving this issue.

The teacher says I'll do what I can.

Tommy says I don't want to tell you their names so let's call them x y and z. I like y and yesterday in the lunchroom I ran into ...

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Teacher asks the class what is the “moral of the story”.... (Long Joke.)

Teacher asked the class what is the moral of the story? A kid raises his hand and says his dad was a Vietnam jet fighter pilot and had to parachute out on the way down he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Landed picked up a gun killed 5 enemies. Picked up a knife killed 3 more and with his ...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

I asked my teacher if I would get scolded for something I didnt do

She said no

so I told her I didn't do my homework

In high school my math teacher was secretly a pirate.

All she ever wanted to do was find X.

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.

My teacher told me if I flipped a coin I'd get either head or tail

I'm still waiting

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

Teacher: The VSCO girl fell out from a plane last night.

Friend 1: Where did she fall from?
Friend 2: The sksksksky.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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The teachers at my school are walking stereotypes.

**I threw a pencil in French class. The teacher surrendered.**

My high school teacher didn't like cursing.

I used to have a friend named Floyd, but he's Loyd now. He once cursed at my teacher's class, so the teacher beat the F out of him.

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher...

A man was tracking down a chemistry teacher who owed him money. He arrived at the school lab and found the teacher hiding behind a desk. The man reached for the nearest container, labeled CaCl2, threw it at the chemistry teacher, and yelled, "Where is my money?!"

The chemistry teacher held up...

My physics teacher told me I have potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...

The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

A teacher was talking about death with their students

They asked their students what they wanted to do with their bodies once they died, such as if they wanted to be cremated, buried, or have their bodies donated to science.
One student piped up and said, "I want to have my head preserved like in Futurama!"
Horrified, the teacher said "Let's not ...

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

Teacher: Make a sentence staring with "you".

Student: You is...

Teacher: No kid, it's not "You is". It's "You are".

Student: Alright, teacher. You are the best series Netflix has made.

A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”

“Nuts,” he replies.

“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”

The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him

“I hope I didn’t just see you looking over at your neighbor’s answers.”

The boy replies, “Yeah, I hope you didn’t see it either.”

My teacher is like 5 but square rooted.

So irrational.

My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.

A little girl in the back raises her hand and says "No ma'am I had a cat who stuttered."

The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.

The little girl stands up and says " Well we ha...

What does an English teacher say when taking a group picture

Simile

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

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Teacher: give me a sentence with "zebra"

Student: last night, the only thing between my hand and my gf's boobs was zebra

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

A teacher asked her kids...

a polite way to say I need to use the bathroom on a date. The first child said “I need to use the bathroom.” To which the teacher replied “That could be better,” The second kid spoke and said, “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” The teacher said that was better but could still be improved. John...

My math teacher was feeling depressed.

I told him he should get to the root of the problem quickly before he starts feeling sinusoidal.

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Teacher: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis

Teacher: who can tell me “what is Photosynthesis”
-no reply from class..

Teacher points to Bill,

Teacher: Bill, what is Photosynthesis


Bill: Photosynthesis is our topic.

Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"

The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."

An...

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

(Only percussionists would get this) I play mallets in band class, and so periodically my teacher would see how I was doing.

I always pass the vibe check.

I’ll leave now.

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Whats the worst thing the teacher can say during sex ed?

"lets have a demonstration"

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher.

"5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

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My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

My teacher once told me

My teacher once told me I was a really smart student, but could also be an idiot at the same time.

I replied “does that make me an oxymoron?”

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Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks...

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

5678

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

My math teacher never goes outside.

I can tell, cos there’s no sin of his tan.

A new teacher

was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yours...

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

I had to call the police on my chemist teacher who spilled sodium chloride on me.

That's a salt.

Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school

So I brought my MP5 instead

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games?

The characters keep breaking their limits.

If teachers are so smart...

Why are they still in school?

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"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."

The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.

The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

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A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.

“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.

“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.

“Let me try”, says ...

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

An English teacher pulls his student aside after class and goes off on him.

Every time you forget to properly punctuate your work. Please, it's the hundredth time I've asked you, can't you get it through your thick skull? Seriously, it's not that hard. The last time I told you off was what, a day ago? Every time it's the same thing, the same mistakes. It's not a hard thing ...

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

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[NSFW] During a biology class, the teacher says

During a biology class, the teacher says, " Your semen has some glucose in it."


At which, a kid goes, " So, it must taste sweet. But, it doesn't."


Teacher: "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of it."

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The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did ...

Teacher: "Class, today we are going to Bangladesh."

Kid named Ladesh: wha...

Lityle Johny and a girl in his class go to their teacher.

Little Johnny : "May I ask you a question Miss Kristy?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can kids of our age have kids?"

"NO! NEVER!!"

Little Johnny (to the girl): "See, I told you not to worry about anything"

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

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Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs ...

A teacher is discussing with a boy and girl about Christian faith

The teacher asks them, “Now, where do good people go to when they die?” The boy pokes the girl with a pencil and she pops up and yells, “For heavens sake!” The teacher tells her that she is right.
The teacher then asks, “So, what religious figure is known to be the son of god?” The boy pokes the ...

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