Sonny Jokes - 58 Hilarious Sonny Jokes

What's the difference between Sonny Bono and George of the Jungle?

George heard "watch out for that tree" more than once.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

-Sonny, it's time to tell you the truth...

-Am I adopted ?
-No. You're a daughter

Sonny and Cher are playing scrabble. Sonny draws a tile out of the bag and Cher asks him what he picked.

He replies "I've got U babe"

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Sonny, sonny, what's the name of that German that hides our things around the house?

Alzheimer, granny, Alzheimer!

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

What do Sonny Bono and Red Dead Redemption 2 have in common?

A tree is your worst enemy.

Sonny Bono can't tell you the name of the tiger in The Jungle Book...

But Cher can.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

A drunk falls into a hole

He sees a young man walking by, and he calls him over.

"Oy! Laddie! Can you help me get out of here?"

"Who are you?"

"Pastor Jones, from the local Parrish, now help me out, boy!"

"Why are you here?"

"I fell in while taking my afternoon constitutional."

"What...

When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and said "You know sonny when the going gets tough, the tough get going."

And then he left.

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Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

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A delightful angelic little boy was waiting

for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left....

Candy shop

Three boys walk into a candy shop and walk up to the counter. "What can I get you boys?" The shopkeep asks the first boy. "I'd like a dime's worth of jelly beans!" Well, it just so happened that the jellybeans were at the top shelf! So the shopkeeper got out his ladder, climbed up, got the jellybean...

A vibrator and a banana are lying on the table.

The banana asks the vibrator: "Hey, sonny, why are you trembling so much for? Is this your first time?"

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

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Grandpa’s take on porn

While visiting his grandparents, a teen walks into the living room and sees that he’s grandpa is watching porn. Slightly shocked the grandson says “Grandpa, what are you doing?” Grandpa not in the least bit startled replies “watching history shows sonny” so the grandson realizing the old man’s mista...

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

A little old lady

A sweet little old lady was riding on a bus heading to another town to visit her children. She was seated behind the driver. On the way she offered some nuts to the bus driver saying "Here you go, sonny." And the driver took them gladly to eat. After a few minutes she offered some more nuts saying "...

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I wou...

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

My grandma once said to me...

"Come here Sonny"

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Just get over here."

"I went over to her and she said,"Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I gave it to you."

I told her,"Its going to cost you more than that."

The little boy sees a police officer and runs up "Hey, come quick! My father is in a fight with another man!"

The officer follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there are two men fighting tooth and nail.

"Ok, sonny, now which one's your father?"

"I DON'T KNOW! That's what they're fighting about!"

An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that sonny?”

At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There”, said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. “Now what do we do young ...

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.

The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: ...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

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A farmer was working in his field one morning.....

When a young lad walked by along the road carrying a roll of wire over his shoulder.

"What you got there sonny?" asks the farmer.

"Chicken wire." replies the boy.

"what ya gonna do with that chicken wire boy?" the farmer asks.

"Catch me some chickens sir." says the boy....

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it co...

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Traveling salesman joke...

A traveling salesman stops by a farmhouse and an 8 y/o boy answers the door. He's smoking a cigar and drinking a tumbler of scotch.
Once the salesman gains his composure he says, "Well sonny is your Mom home?"
To which the kid answers, "What the fuck do you think?"

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The secret to a long marriage

On a golden wedding anniversary celebration grandson ask his old grandpa: "Grandpa, you and grandma have been married for 50 years! What is the secret to a long marriage?"

Grandpa: "Listen sonny... it's quite simple. In life, there are 3 types of women... the ones you bang ... and the one...

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."

"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"

"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have t...

What's an incestuous mother's favourite drink?

Sonny-D

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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On a trip to Ireland....

I stopped in a small town and decided to have a few pints in a local pub. As I sat down an older Irish man took up the stool next to mine. After a while we began to talk.

"Look out the window there sonny" he said. " You see that house down there at the end of the road? I built that house with...

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Old joke from the movie Predator

This is an old joke from the movie Predator.

Shane black's character (Hawkins) tells this joke to Sonny Landham's character (Billy)

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."

She ...

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A very large man asks for the time

A young man 6'7 and wide as an ox, he goes up to an older lady in the mall and he asks: "Scuze m,m,me m,m,ma'am do you havthes the time?"

Feeling sorry she can't help this man with a speech impediment she says to him: "Sorry sonny, my watch is in the shop being repaired"

The large ma...

Grand dad...

One morning after a fresh rain, a grandfather and his young grandson are walking the property. The grandfather looks down and sees an earthworm emerging from its burrow.

"Okay, sonny, here's a challenge: If you can figure out a way to get that worm back inside his burrow, I'll give you $5.00...

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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An old lady walks into a bank...

...with $10,000 in cash and says that she would like to deposit it into an account. The male banker asks her where in the world she got $10,000.
"Oh, I'm just really good at making bets," says the old lady.

"really, you made all this money from betting?" asks the banker.

"Yep," sai...

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Little boy and his grampa

So, a little boy is sitting with his great-grandfather, who used to be a big game hunter in his formidable years.

"Gramps, tell me a story about your days as a big game hunter" said the boy.

"Whaaaa?" replied his grandfather

"TELL ME A STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU USED TO
HUNT BIG ...

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.

"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"

"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

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"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.

While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he...

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A traveling salesman is passing through a small town.

He sees a sign for a circus. At the bottom it says “See the amazing Goldstein”. He has some time to kill, so he figures what the hell and stops in. It’s the usual dog and pony show until the very end, when there’s a drum roll, the lights go out, and a single spot shows a table in the center ring w...

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A Frail & Trembling old Woman

walks into a sex shop & shakily made her way up to the clerk at the counter.

"Exc-c-cuse m-me sonny, b-but I n-n-need some i-i-in-inform-m-mation about v-v-vib-brators"

"Certainly madam" said the clerk as he reached under the counter to pull out a box full of the sex toys, took ou...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

the lord will save me

So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded.
(Let’s call him father Otis)
when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take...

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