UPJOKE
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Donut Jokes

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

Stale Donuts

I visited a little cafe not too far from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, and ordered a coffee and a donut. The coffee was bland and cold but worst of all the donut was stale.
“Excuse me” I said “these donuts are stale.”
The assistant was polite “I’m sorry sir, those are yesterday’s donuts.”
“W...

Donut BJ

There are 3 guys going to a known brothel because they heard how amazing it is. They all request one woman that was very recommended by all their friends.

So, the first guys go in and for 10 minutes and come out with a smile on his face. He says, omg, that was the best BJ I have gotten in my...

The city's top donut baker announced his retirement today

Apparently he'd grown tired of the hole business.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Life is like a box of donuts

Doesn't last long if you're fat.

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what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.

A monk used to make donuts while contemplating the mysteries of life.

He was a deep friar.

Then he gained weight because of the donuts.

He became a deep fat friar.

What did the cupcake say at the jelly donut party?

Where all the holes at?!

A topologist walks into a donut shop.

He grabs a mug and a donut at the counter, then goes to fill the mug at the self serve station. At the self serve station he pours coffee on his donut then bites his mug.

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

Which Zodiac sign does a donut have?

Taurus

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the la...

I was doing donuts in the parking lot

I was doing donuts in the parking lot and almost got arrested, and yes I am aware donuts is a strange name for a dog

This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

What's the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?

Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed

What's the opposite of Donut?

Don'tnut

I hate donut’s without holes

There always so full of themselves

Have you heard of the robbery at the donut store?

I heard that the robbers left with buns glazing

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How was the donut invented?

Let’s just say there was a very horny baker...

I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box....

...I've been banned for life from that shop.

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

What rhymes with donut

Wow, it actually does!

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

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What did the coffee cake say to the donut while they were having sex?

"Oh fuck, you're gonna make me crumb!"

What kind of Donuts are Bob Marley's favourite?

Ones with Jammin'!

How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that's plaguing the donut industry?

Cut out the middle, man.

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The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

My dad and I were having donuts for lunch...

He said, "Enjoy the **HOLE** donut!"

There *is* a difference between doughnuts and donuts

**Ugh!**

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

What do you call uncivilized donuts?

Bavarians

Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery?

The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.

Donut Man

What did the donut delivery man say to the guy who was raping and murdering his entire family?

"Please donut do that"

French Donuts

Are the Beigne of my existence

Wife asks. “can you leave me some of your donut?”

Husband replies “Ok, I’ll leave you the hole!”

Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact...

Eat two, Brute.

What did the Woodpecker say to the donut?

You've got the sweetest hole I ever put my pecker in.

Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops

They're torus traps

What do you call a kilogram of donuts .

Property of obesity

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jam in

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

Waitress, bring me a donut...

...and step on it.

A cop caught me doing donuts in the parking lot.

I thought cops loved donuts!

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What is the similarity between a penis and a donut?

They do-nut.

So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...

And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.

The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."

But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get...

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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I just bought some vegan donuts.

Big mistake, they won't shut the fuck up.

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

How do you know that donut is created by God

It's holy

What's the differnce between donuts and dead kids?

A swat team doesn't break down my door over donuts.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

A donut walks into a church and approaches the priest...

"Excuse me, Father," the donut says, "I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest - after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry - offers a warm smile in response. "That...

Why hasn't dunkin donuts been successful in Ireland?

Because it isn't drunkin donuts.

Upon gaining sentience, a donut was quoted as saying:

"There are dozens of us!"

I'm opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts...

... calling it Hole Foods.

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Joe bag of donuts walks into a brothel...

He tells the madam he wants something really special, money is no object.

She leads him into a room with two beautiful nubile nymphettes and he engages in a passionate hour of sex.

A few weeks later he can’t deny himself so he goes back, only this time the madam leads him into a ro...

Arent a donut and a danish the same thing?

Well they are both synonym rolls!!

What did the donut say to the cop?

Don't taste me, bro !

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

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The Donut Joke

There was once an unemployed donut named Bob. Luckily for him, a pirate ship sailed into the port that day. He went to the captain of the ship and said, “Can I work on your ship?” The captain said “No.” The donut went home all sad and depressed. The next day, he went back to the captain. “Can I work...

How did the pastry chef do on the donut-making exam?

She passed with frying crullers.

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

I heard Dunkin Donuts has a cold brew now.

Cool beans.

What the difference between a black guy and a donut?

One of them already had a hole before the cop saw it

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclai...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

i'm going to quit my job and open a donut shop that also sells weed

i'll call it 'glazed and confused'.

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