What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

Cardi B's sister is a fitness instructor

Cardi O

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

So, my swimming instructor asked me a question.

"what's your favourite stroke?" He asked me.
Apparently "the one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My yoga instructor was shit faced drunk today

Put me in a really awkward position

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?

He brought thousands into the pole position.

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

Why do flat earthers enjoy talking to flight instructors?

they tell them 5G might make them sick.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements

Me to my noose making instructor:

Hey, I think I’m starting to get the hang of this!

The instructor: No, you’re knot.

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex education

“Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her...” said the second.

“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick he...

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

My first time in the air, my instructor informed me but he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane.

His buddy says "well did you jump?"

The guy says yeah, a little at first.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

I'm an helicopter instructor

It has its ups and downs

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

3 soldiers take a test to get into a secret elite unit

The instructor says to the first soldier "The love of your life is tied to a chair in that room. Here's a gun i want you to go in there and kill her. Then you have past the test". The soldier goes in the room and after 5 minutes walks back out and says "sorry I can't do it". The instructor says "wel...

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Skydiver

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "

Mick asks: "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies: "A l...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

An American and a Canadian go skydiving

An American and a Canadian go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:

"When the light above the door turns green, you can jump."

The Canadian (who is a major stutterer) asks:

"w-w-w-w...

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple

Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young paratrooper is recounting the story of his first jump to his best friend

I was so scared, I just couldn't do it, I was frozen. Then the instructor got in my face and started screaming at me. Finally he said "If you don't jump, I'm going to stick my dick in your ass!"

"So, did you jump?"

The soldier replied "A little... at first"

Suicide Bombing Instructor

What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?

"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"

A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding,...

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

I miss my old piano teacher...

My old piano instructor said to me, "You've damaged my piano for the last time! I won't teach you anymore!"

I found a new teacher. But his piano is missing strings, and worst of all, his damper pedal technique is terrible. I miss my old instructor; she knew when to put her foot down.

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

I have a job as a gym instructor.

But it isn't working out.

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!" I replied as I updated my Facebook status.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A skydiving instructor shows his penis..

A buddy decided to go skydiving. When he got up there and they opened the doors he decided he didn't want to jump.

He turned around and told his instructor he didn't wanna jump.

The instructor unzips his pants and pulls out a 15" long penis and says, "You jump or you get this".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

My hot driving instructor said "Look where you want to go"

Apparently staring at her crotch wasn't what she meant...

My Parkour Instructor is Crazy

He literally drives me up the wall!

My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.

Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work o...

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

A group of women had the last self defense lesson

After class, the instructor called them and said:
- "I taught you every move and every self defense tactic that you might need. But in a situation that none of the tactics that you learned work, there's one last move you can use. If the aggressor is a man, you simply aim for his nuts, grab them a...

My ice-sculpting instructor and I had a great relationship

until he gave me the cold shoulder.

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I have a Russian driving instructor.

He tells me to "Putin to 1st" but i always end up Stalin.

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...

Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?

Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?

Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

I used to think my Karate instructor was very wise.

However, yesterday my pregnant neighbour Mrs. Wong and her husband rushed to hospital.

When they came back today they had the baby with them so I figured I'd go say hi.

Strangest thing! The baby is Caucasian!

I couldn't believe my eyes, this whole time my instructor had been lyi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.