Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student that she has ever seen.

Shit...wrong thread!

I asked my yoga instructor if she wanted to go get lunch, but she turned me down.

She said "Namaste right here."

What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today

He put me in a very awkward position

I'm an helicopter instructor

It has its ups and downs

Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

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A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner’s class.

“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”

The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?

Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?

Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple

Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.

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I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

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A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

I followed my hot yoga instructor home after class

I broke into her bedroom through the window, and she screamed, "Get out now, or I'm calling the police!"

I said, "Nah, I'mma stay"

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

Playing a few Holes...

The room is full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor finishes: "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay...

I have a job as a gym instructor.

But it isn't working out.

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

A yoga instructor was at a party.

Her friend said "come on let's leave"

The yoga instructor replied "Na I'ma stay"

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!" I replied as I updated my Facebook status.

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My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

As a skydiving instructor, I realized midair that I had accidentally given my client the wrong backpack

Me and my wife landed on the ground safely

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. ...

My Parkour Instructor is Crazy

He literally drives me up the wall!

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[NSFW] A skydiving instructor shows his penis..

A buddy decided to go skydiving. When he got up there and they opened the doors he decided he didn't want to jump.

He turned around and told his instructor he didn't wanna jump.

The instructor unzips his pants and pulls out a 15" long penis and says, "You jump or you get this".
...

My hot driving instructor said "Look where you want to go"

Apparently staring at her crotch wasn't what she meant...

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favori...

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?

A guy applies for a job with his local police dept.

Instructor - "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, only one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six minorities and a rabbit."

Guy - "Why the rabbit?"

Instructor - "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

A man without much of a formal education decides that he'd like enroll at his local college

His advisor recommends taking courses in English, European history, world religions and logic. "What's logic?" asks the man. "Why don't you ask your logic instructor" replies his advisor.

So the man goes to his logic instructor's office, introduces himself and asks what logic is about. "Well...

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

I have a Russian driving instructor.

He tells me to "Putin to 1st" but i always end up Stalin.

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

I started swimming last week

The instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher was the wrong answer cuz now I'm banned

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

That's how he mustard the troops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.

The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.

The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a fe...

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The paratrooper

A guy joins the paratroopers, like his father before him, and his father\`s father before him.

The day of the first jump, the guy comes home. His dad says, "Well, son, how\`d it go?"

His son says, "Well, we were up there, and I was the last one to jump. But when I got to the door I ju...

An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.

The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.

The instructor thought "he won't last five minut...

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

I was taking a driving lesson

I asked my instructor if, upon seeing a small animal jumping out in front of me, I should slam the brake. He told me that if an animal jumps out, I have to just hit it...

I chased that squirrel through four fields and a barn before I got him.

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

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