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Instructor Jokes

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O
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On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”
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My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
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What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?

I'm only gonna show you this once
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I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
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A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

My sewing instructor thinks I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Sorry. Wrong thread.
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What's The Difference Between the Texas Grid, and a Ski Instructor?

A ski instructor works in the winter.
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The father of Private Smith has deceased, and the drill instructor is tasked to break the tragic news to the young man...

The father of Private Smith has deceased, and the drill instructor is tasked to break the tragic news to the young man. He has the platoon to line up in front of the barracks and addresses them:
"Platoon, atten-shun! Each soldier that's got a dad take two step forwar- SMITH, where the hell d'yo...
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I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.
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So Julius Caesar has a fencing instructor to teach him swordplay techniques

But what Caesar doesn’t know is that his fencing instructor comes from a tribe of cannibals in a far off land. And eventually, y’know, Caesar’s assassinated and who should happen by his lifeless bloodied body but his old fencing instructor, who gives in to his culinary impulses and starts carving th...
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My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
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I’m dating a Zumba instructor

But it isn’t working out.
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A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...
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What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
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What were the gun instructor's last words?

"Never do *this*"
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Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...
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Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...
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A yoga instructor lives with his wife and mother ...

His mother is unhappy with their living situation. One day, the yoga instructor's wife asks her why she doesn't look for her own place. The mother says that she wants to, but every time she brings it up with her son, he says the same thing. The wife says "what does he say?". The mother replies "...
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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...
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A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...
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I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits

He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."
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A high school music instructor walks into a bar

A high school music instructor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The superintendent said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students read band books."
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.
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My swimming instructor asked, "What's your favourite stroke?"

I said it was the one that finished off my mother-in-law.
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What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.
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I just met this really attractive sky diving instructor.

You could say I fell for him.
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In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"

The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."

"What? Everything is work?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"

"Yes, wood work", they repl...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

five... six... seven... eight!
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Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.
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A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"
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I'm an helicopter instructor

It has its ups and downs
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A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”
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A Kamikaze pilot spoke with his instructor...

"I keep missing the ships, I need some help!"

And the instructor said, "OK fine, I'll show you how, but I'm only going to do this once..."
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I could never be a drill instructor

It sounds like it would be quite boring.
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Having Gandalf as a driving instructor is awful

Keeps telling me I'm not gonna pass :(
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What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once
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What did the surgery instructor say before the circumcision doctor was fired?

you shouldve gone for the head
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My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."
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Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor?

You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.
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A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...
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My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
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Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible
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Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!
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A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...
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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.
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My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"
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Ever heard of the priest who moonlights as a fitness instructor?

He exercises demons.
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What did the yoga instructor say when they were asked if they wanted to go out for dinner?

Nah, ima stay
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Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.
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Why do flat earthers enjoy talking to flight instructors?

they tell them 5G might make them sick.
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What did the dance instructor say when she arrived late, to an empty room?

Everybody! Left, right?
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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What's it called when your drill instructor gets too much Sun on his lower leg?

A TANNNN SHIN!!!
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A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A skydiving instructor shows his penis..

A buddy decided to go skydiving. When he got up there and they opened the doors he decided he didn't want to jump.

He turned around and told his instructor he didn't wanna jump.

The instructor unzips his pants and pulls out a 15" long penis and says, "You jump or you get this".
...

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity
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What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.
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What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements
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A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."
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My Parkour Instructor is Crazy

He literally drives me up the wall!
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The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...
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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"
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Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...
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I have a Russian driving instructor.

He tells me to "Putin to 1st" but i always end up Stalin.
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A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.
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One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. ...
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The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".
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A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....
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I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!
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My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.
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A lady out taking golf lessons! She is doing terrible...

The instructors getting pissed off. He says to her "listen dear, we have been out here all day long and we haven't gotten anywhere. You are not listening to what I tell you. Let's try something different. I want you to grab hold of the golf club just like you have hold of your husband's penis."...

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting
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My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!
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My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple

Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes
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My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.
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I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"
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The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."
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"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."
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I wanted to be a sky diving instructor...

But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to.
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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...
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On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...
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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**
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A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.
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My hot driving instructor said "Look where you want to go"

Apparently staring at her crotch wasn't what she meant...
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Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...
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I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm
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I asked my yoga instructor if she wanted to go get lunch, but she turned me down.

She said "Namaste right here."
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I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...
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What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?
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I used to think my Karate instructor was very wise.

However, yesterday my pregnant neighbour Mrs. Wong and her husband rushed to hospital.

When they came back today they had the baby with them so I figured I'd go say hi.

Strangest thing! The baby is Caucasian!

I couldn't believe my eyes, this whole time my instructor had been lyi...
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Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.
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What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
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A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.

The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.

The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a fe...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

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