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A martial arts instructor sees one of his students heading in to a nunnery,he thinks I will mention it to him at our next class.

The next class he says to the man. “I seen you heading in to the nunnery the other day there. “ The man replied. “ I was just practicing my nunchucks”

A Kamikaze pilot spoke with his instructor...

"I keep missing the ships, I need some help!"

And the instructor said, "OK fine, I'll show you how, but I'm only going to do this once..."

What did the surgery instructor say before the circumcision doctor was fired?

you shouldve gone for the head

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

What's the most humiliating thing for a drill instructor to do?

Shave their privates!

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students

one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor?

You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

Kamikaze pilot instructor:

“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat myself to you again tomorrow!”

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

My sub friend married a limbo instructor recently.

I swear to god, this guy will bend over backwards to please this lady!

What's it called when your drill instructor gets too much Sun on his lower leg?

A TANNNN SHIN!!!

My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was.

Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

Having Gandalf as a driving instructor is awful

Keeps telling me I'm not gonna pass :(

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

Ever heard of the priest who moonlights as a fitness instructor?

He exercises demons.

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I could never be a drill instructor

It sounds like it would be quite boring.

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 3)

It was day three of the interview process for the position with the CIA.

Our guy has to complete a practical exercise of jumping out of a plane.

He gets up there all strapped with the instructor at the jumping altitude. When it gets time to jump though he suddenly gets nervous. The ins...

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

Why do flat earthers enjoy talking to flight instructors?

they tell them 5G might make them sick.

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?

He brought thousands into the pole position.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

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My cousin was on his first leave since he went to boot camp to become a paratrooper.

We had a big gettogether at my aunt's house. My cousin had always dreamed of being a paratrooper, but there was one big problem: he was deathly afraid of heights. None of us ever thought he would go through with it, so when he came home for a break, we were all dying to know how it went. We gathe...

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

Me to my noose making instructor:

Hey, I think I’m starting to get the hang of this!

The instructor: No, you’re knot.

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

I appreciate my yoga instructor

She really bends over backwards for me

I'm an helicopter instructor

It has its ups and downs

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

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Sex Ed

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D, the second a D-, and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

“We’ll grab her” he continued. “And we’ll tie her up!” said the second.

"Yeah," said...

My yoga instructor was really drunk yesterday...

...which put me in an awkward position.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

I asked my yoga instructor if she wanted to go get lunch, but she turned me down.

She said "Namaste right here."

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

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I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

A guy in a dimly lit bar turns to the woman next to him and says “hey you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The woman responds, “before you tell your blonde joke, let me tell YOU something. I’m a professional MMA fighter and I’m blonde. The woman next to me is a professional kickboxer and she’s blonde too. Oh and next to her, a judo instructor. Also blonde. You still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
...

What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

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[NSFW] A skydiving instructor shows his penis..

A buddy decided to go skydiving. When he got up there and they opened the doors he decided he didn't want to jump.

He turned around and told his instructor he didn't wanna jump.

The instructor unzips his pants and pulls out a 15" long penis and says, "You jump or you get this".
...

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My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!" I replied as I updated my Facebook status.

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.

The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.

A bomb instructor was having an argument with his wife

Luckily his friend was there to diffuse the situation

My hot driving instructor said "Look where you want to go"

Apparently staring at her crotch wasn't what she meant...

What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

My Parkour Instructor is Crazy

He literally drives me up the wall!

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I have a Russian driving instructor.

He tells me to "Putin to 1st" but i always end up Stalin.

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

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An Irish Skydiver

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "

Mick asks: "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies: "A l...

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