Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student that she has ever seen.

Shit...wrong thread!

I asked my yoga instructor if she wanted to go get lunch, but she turned me down.

She said "Namaste right here."

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today

He put me in a very awkward position

Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible

I'm an helicopter instructor

It has its ups and downs

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

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A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner’s class.

“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”

The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple

Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes

What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

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I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire.

“Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?

Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?

Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

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A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

I was going to post a joke about the Fencing Instructor's best move...

But it's probably a Riposte...

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

Freddie Mercury once took a culinary course when he was in college. The instructor asked him how many cakes he's going to make for that day's lesson..

Freddie stood up, grabbed the top half of the microphone stand and belted out,



"I want to bake three."

I followed my hot yoga instructor home after class

I broke into her bedroom through the window, and she screamed, "Get out now, or I'm calling the police!"

I said, "Nah, I'mma stay"

Young Jimmy is taking skydiving lessons

After his lessons he decides he is ready for the real deal. The instructor and Jim go up in the plane to the altitude. Then, the instructor says, "when you jump, count to 10 and pull the cord. If that fails pull the backup cord. There will be a black van waiting for you at the bottom." Jimmy agrees ...

I have a job as a gym instructor.

But it isn't working out.

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

Playing a few Holes...

The room is full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor finishes: "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay...

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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

A yoga instructor was at a party.

Her friend said "come on let's leave"

The yoga instructor replied "Na I'ma stay"

"You've got to let people know where you're going!" said my driving instructor as we merged on to the expressway...

"OK!" I replied as I updated my Facebook status.

A blonde girl is taking driving lessons...

Instructor: Your husband and your son pop up right in front of your car as you are driving. What object do you hit first?

Blonde: My husband, of course!

Instructor: For the fourth time, you hit the brakes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men going skiing

Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed. When they wake up the guy on the left says I had the most fabulous dream last night that I was getting a hand job from a smoking hot snow bunny, a...

My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*

Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.

Instructor: Can you please stop licking my lips.

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, jus...

One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, a lawyer, a college student, and a priest sign up for a skydiving trip...

...and find themselves in the air at 12,000 feet. Three minutes before crossing the LZ, both engines come to a complete stop.

The silence is deafening, until the pilot who is also the instructor, pops out of the cockpit with a panicked look on his face and says 'Folks, I'm sorry-we're out o...

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Derek went skydiving today...

Before the jump, he was told by his instructor that when his altimeter signal went off he was to pull his main chute. If his main chute failed to deploy, he was instructed to count to 100 and then pull his emergency chute. After landing in the field below, a truck with cold beer would be waiting to ...

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

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