Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up at the crack of Dawn yesterday

Told her to get her ass out of my face and get dressed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

I woke up at the crack of dawn...

So I told her to get off my head and let me get some sleep.

Cant beat the classics.

What time does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so horny...

..even the crack of dawn looks good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking my dog through a graveyard at dawn

I saw someone crouching by a headstone. I greeted them: ‘Morning!’

They replied ‘Nope, just having a shit.’

I woke up at the Asscrack of Dawn, and it smelled.

Turns out my neighbor Dawn sometimes farts in her sleep.


(I am a mature man with a steady income)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

Sat here scratching my ass, spying on the neighbour washing her beaver, it dawns on me.

We have some non-traditional pets on our cul-de-sac.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn.

'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?'
'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?'
'Yes, Se...

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Linsey Dawn's Double Gee's

Anyway I had this really bad dream that I was in a terrible car accident.

I awoke in the hospital and Linsey Dawn McKenzie was my Nurse, standing over me. OMG, those beautiful sexy eyes, her incredible GG+ rack spilling out of her bra, straining to come out of her crisp, white uniform, the br...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

Irishmen!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I d...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.



As good as ...

The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer

A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.

"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"

The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake.

The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself.

One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.

Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."

He bought it, went home and said:

*- I'll start cutting all the tre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Friends decided to go hunting together

Later, as the day darkens, they lay down their tents and settle down around a fire. After eating and chatting for a while, one of the hunters gets tired, and goes to sleep.

Half an hour later, one of the two awake hunters gets an idea.

"You know what would be really funny? We still hav...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

Sometimes I forget which way the sun comes up

Then it dawns on me

My dads favorite joke (long)

A rabbit is hopping along the woods one day, minding his own business, when he comes across a little village.

He hears laughing and general good humor echoing from the little town so he decides to investigate.

The rabbit hides behind a little bush and what he finds he almost can’t ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Once there was a farmer...

Once there was a farmer who worked every day for the last twenty years of his life to provide for his family. He worked very hard and one day, his wife said to him, "you've worked so hard for all of us and we thought we might do something for you." The family had all pitched in to buy him a tractor....

Stowaway story

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Euro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.

The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove af...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first...

Had a stupidly long receptionist shift today.

I worked from desk till dawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not really a joke joke but feel free to use this:

Ok my dad is hilarious if you like dirty jokes. One thing he always does and people don't even get it but is super hilarious to him and myself is this: when someone smiles at him he tells them " wow you have the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!" most people just say thank you unless they know my ...

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

So this farmer owns a single female pig. He wants her to have piglets...

...so(w) he asks around the village for any eligible bachelor boars. Turns out there aren't any, but there's this fella at a nearby village who runs a Rent-A-Boar service, charging by the coupling.

The next morning, our farmer gets up early, attaches the trailer to his tractor, gets the pig o...

Three friends die and go to heaven

(Change the names in this if you want to)

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Wha...

The Storks

Two storks were sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork was crying and crying, and the father stork was doing his very best to console his child. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will be home soon. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." Later that evenin...

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af. I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers. However, near his college career, he wants to settle down. He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, i...

A pregnant woman was shot three times . . .

She was rushed to the hospital where she was examined and told she would be fine. The doctors also checked on her baby, since the wounds were to her stomach, and informed her she was in fact pregnant with triplets, two girls and a boy and that all three children were fine.

The woman gave bir...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a conference.

By chance they wind up staying on the same floor of a certain hotel.

Late that evening, the engineer is awoken by the smell of smoke. He steps into the hallway and sees a small fire. Thinking quick, he dumps out his wastepaper basket, fills it with water, and douses the flames. Satisfied, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi meet for lunch

one day. After talking for a bit the priest says "hey rabbi, why don't you join the monk and I for a fishing trip tomorrow morning?" Thrilled, the rabbi accepts the offer.
They meet up at the docks around dawn, row out a bit, then cast out their fishing poles. Half an hour passes when the priest...

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

There is a farmers convention in Michigan...

One guy's walking around in a big stetson hat, cowboy boots, giant belt buckle, all the markings of a Texan. He walks up to one of the Michigan farmers and asks, "how many acres you got?"

The farmer, rather proud of his large land, replies "I got about 1200 acres."

"Ha," the Texan rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Game Warden goes fishing [long]

This fellow got hired by the Conservation Department as a game warden. He just loved all things hunting and fishing, and being new in town, started asking around where the good fishing holes were. Finally he came to this little country bar, and asked the bartender. "Charlie catches more fish than...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.