What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead.


(Thanks to my kids for the top-shelf humour)

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she gave him a homemade scarf?

"Gee, You Knit?"

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[NSF] "Take off my scarf!", she said.

So I took off her scarf.

"Take off my shirt!", she demanded. So I unbuttoned her shirt and took it off slowly.

"Take off my bra!", she said in a rough voice. I unlatched her bra gently, sliding it off of the arms.

"Now, take off my skirt!", she ordered. I calmly sled it off the...

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually still fits!!!

So proud of myself.

It was a scarf. But still let's be positive here!!!

What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day?

G u knit?

I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

The scarf store

A guy walks in to a scarf shop and asks what kind of scarves they sell.

The owner replies "we have wool ones inside and cashmere outside, how bout dat?"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

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Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?

He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.

What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?

Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

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Three kids are talking about the gift they’re going to give their mom for Mother’s Day.

The first one say: I bought her a necklace and a scarf. So if she doesn’t like the necklace she can put on the scarf.

The second kid say: I’m going to give her a ring and gloves. So if she doesn’t like the ring she can always put on the gloves.

The third one say: I’m giving her earring...

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

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A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

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Watched the film "Scarface" last night.

Quite a misleading title, I mean the bloke knew fuck all about scarfs

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

As soon as he steps in, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins exploring the bar.

The monkey grabs a handful of beer nuts and scarfs them down. Then he grabs a fish from the large fish tank and eats it. Lastly, he grabs the cue ball from the pool table and swallows it whole.

Me...

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

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A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful o...

An old man and a young man work together in an office.

The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses t...

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

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Little Ralphie

Little Ralphie sat on a park bench and pulled out a candy bar. Soon an older gentleman also sat on the bench and began to read his paper. He couldn't help but notice that Ralphie kept eating candy bars. No sooner did he finish with one than he got another and scarfed it down. He had put away fiv...

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A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa

A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: "Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plen...

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

That's it, I have had enough of this holiday cheer! I am sick of it, I will never help anyone again. Ever! Done.

Either I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid. Last night it was so cold out (-36C / -33F), that my heart ran away with me once again. I took a man into our home out of pity, and the kindness of my heart.

He was just sitting by the road, literally freezing to death. I felt sorry and got worri...

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Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

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Another Russian joke I love :)

*To understand the joke you need to be familiar a bit with the "pioneer movement" that was is Soviet Russia, essentially it's a organization for children formed by a communist party where they wear read scarfs, walk around with a drum, and are raised to epitomize civility.*

An elderly woman i...

The doctor told me to watch what I eat if I wanted to lose weight.

I stare at my extra large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke for at least an hour before I scarf it down and I haven't lost a pound.

Are you gonna eat that?

A hungry man with a hankerin' for chili sits down at a restaurant.
The waitress approaches to take his order and, of course, he orders a bowl of chili.
She replies, "Sorry sir. The gentleman seated at the table next to you got the last bowl."
The hungry man looks over and sees that th...

An eskimo wrecks her snowmobile

The eskimo takes her snowmobile in to be fixed. The mechanic checks it out and says "Looks like you blew a seal"

The eskimo replies "No, that's just frost on my scarf."

English and Art teacher talk...

English and Art teacher talk.

English teacher: "What do you teach?"

Art teacher:"Advanced Art."

English teacher:"Hence fancy scarf."

Art teacher:"Yes, what do you teach."

English teacher:"Advanced English"

Art teacher:"Hence hence?"

An elderly couple walks into McDonalds...

...and they order a single meal. A man sitting nearby watches as they carefully divide the burger and fries in half. He feels sorry for them and offers to buy them another meal. "It's ok," says the husband, "we share everything."

After a few minutes the man notices that the wife has not touch...

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What's three feet long and keeps a twat warm?

Donald Trump's scarf.

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Timmy's Thanksgiving

Timmy was a good kid. Thanksgiving day he walked into his living room and saw his parents fighting.

They were yelling back and forth "you bitch, you bastard, you bitch, you bastard."
Timmy asked, "What's a bitch and a bastard?"
His mom said, "A bitch and bastard are polite ways to say l...

A penguin goes to his mechanic...

A penguin decides to get his car checked out on a hot summer day. He brings it to his mechanic, and decides to get some ice cream while his car is being worked on. The penguin orders a bowl of ice cream, and uses his flippers to scarf down some ice cream. He makes quite a mess of himself while eatin...

...How did you do it?

There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, kill...

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Anal Sex was a bit like being given my first pair of roller skates

Anal Sex was like my Uncle giving me my first Everton scarf, I didn't want... it but I knew I was going to get it anyway.

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Valentine's Day Gift!

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Arab were being interviewed by a reporter with regard to what they bought their wives for Valentine's Day.

Frenchman - I bot ma wife un ring and a pair of gleuve, so if che don like ze ring che can coveur eet with ze gleuve.

Englishman - I bought my wi...

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three blokes deciding what to get their mrs' for christmas...

Bill, Bob & Ben sitting at some random bar, deciding on gifts for their better halves...

Bill says he's going to get his mrs a new blouse and this jacket she likes too - "if she doesn't like the blouse, she can wear the jacket to hide it" he jests.

Bob pipes in, "That's funny, i'm ...

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