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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
<...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Why can't Russia have a female president?

Because Putin is not a woman.

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

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Two men are planning to take a trip to Russia

"Now, when we're there, remember that in Russia it's culturally inappropriate to be gay."

"You mean happy or homosexual?"

"Yes"

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall?

A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft

Until it was called "Ourcraft"

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Why does Russia hand out so much viagra?

Because they're always rigging erections.

What do you call a tree living in Russia?

Dimitree

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

It's not called womb in mother russia...

Its uter'us'

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

What the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia!

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
&nbsp;

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
&nbsp;

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

How they call a meme in Soviet Russia?

A wewe

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

I fixed the President of Russia's car

No matter how much grit I Putin, it kept on Stalin

Why couldn't the whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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What did the basketball player get when he went to Russia looking for free prostitutes?

Nothing but nyet.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

I think I have been hacked by Russia

Edit: Everything is fine comrades, the motherland would not do such a thing.

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

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Why did Hitler rush to take over Russia

He didn't like stalin during war.

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A woman is standing in a food line in Soviet Russia.

As she's walking home two hours later, a limo pulls up next to her and an Arab sheikh steps out.

"I am the king of one of the wealthiest countries of the world. I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you, and I would like you to join my harem." he says.

The woman replies. "The last thin...

Did you hear that Batman's rival was captured and arrested in Russia?

They've got him locked up in the Ra's al Ghulag.

On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun...

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

Russia passed a new law today

Anyone caught in word play will be severely PUNished

A man in Soviet Russia checks into a hotel for the night.

He goes up to his hotel room, which he has to share with three other men. He tries to get to sleep, but they're talking, drinking vodka and listening to music. He goes down to the receptionist and asks her to send up a cup of tea in ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, he knocks on the wall and sa...

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden

What happens when the WiFi goes down in Russia?

Nyetflix.

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

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During the German invasion of Russia, a Nazi soldier forced himself upon a helpless Russian woman.

After he was done with her, he sneered "In nine months you vill haff a son. You may call him 'Heinrich'!"

And she replied, "In three weeks time you will have a rash. You may call it 'measles'."

I don’t know why everyone keeps calling the Prussia investigation the “Russia Investigation”..

The P is just silently sprayed on the hookers

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

My friend went to Russia

So I went to Rush B

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

In Soviet Russia we're all equal...

...ly worthless.

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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BBC NEWS: Russia to unplug from the internet.

In other news, 75% of the world's online porn has disappeared

What do the laws of physics and the predsident of Russia have in common?

You can't choose them

Russia invades!

If Russia invades Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

Eu in a nutshell

"I am hungary"

"Maybe you should czech the fridge."

"I am russian to the kitchen."

"Is there any turkey?"

"We have some, but its covered in Greece"

"Ew,there's norway I'd eat that!"

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In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.

Stalin: Why was this man arrested?

Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?

Prisoner: ...

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Do you know what catches a Russian acrobat when they fall?

"Nyet."

Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerade Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

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Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Democracy in Russia

I bet you were expecting more.

Why does Russia smell like farts?

Because Vladimir's Pootin

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An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

A judge walks out of his courtroom in Soviet Russia chuckling to himself.

Another judge stops him and says, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this funny political joke in my courtroom." the first judge says.

"Really?" says the second judge, "Tell it to me, I want to hear it."

The first judge says, "No way. I gave the poor guy 20 years hard labor for it...

Why is it so hard to fight corruption in Russia?

Because it knows judo.

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.

I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."

Why is it so hard to be a plumber or mechanic in Soviet Russia?

Because you aren’t allowed to change anything about the system.

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”

From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was...

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

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