A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.

"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."

"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.

The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

If Germany is fatherland and Russia is mother land

Then WW2 is domestic violence

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I keep getting that Justin Timberlake song about a body of water in the Ukrainian peninsula annexed by Russia stuck in my head.

"Crimea Riverrrrrr"

What does Little Miss Muffet have in common with russia?

Kurds in Way

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Russia isn’t doing a good job at achieving world power

Maybe they should Putin more effort

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

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Two Jews emigrate from Russia.

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up.

"Moshe, I'm very lucky" says his friend, "I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."

"Izya,...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

What does UNMIFR (the United Nations Mission in Former Russia) and God have in common?

Neither exist.

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Why can't Russia have a female president?

Because Putin is not a woman.

In Russia, just saying "thank you" is enough to cure some illnesses even without taking any actual medication.

Scientists are calling it The Spasibo Effect

So I’ve just been watching the rugby World Cup, must be really difficult to be a referee in Russia

Whenever they say the put in isn’t straight, they get arrested

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.

So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is su...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

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Two men are planning to take a trip to Russia

"Now, when we're there, remember that in Russia it's culturally inappropriate to be gay."

"You mean happy or homosexual?"

"Yes"

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

I fixed the President of Russia's car

No matter how much grit I Putin, it kept on Stalin

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall?

A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

What the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia!

What's the difference between Russia and Bethseda

Russia's fallout disaster is forgivable.

What do you call a tree living in Russia?

Dimitree

A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft

Until it was called "Ourcraft"

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

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Russians search for My Little Pony porn 427% more than the worldwide average.

In Soviet Russia pony ride you.

On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun...

Why couldn't the whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

In school, work determines your marks

In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

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Why did Hitler rush to take over Russia

He didn't like stalin during war.

Russia passed a new law today

Anyone caught in word play will be severely PUNished

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...

Would Greece help?

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
<...

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

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What did the basketball player get when he went to Russia looking for free prostitutes?

Nothing but nyet.

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A woman is standing in a food line in Soviet Russia.

As she's walking home two hours later, a limo pulls up next to her and an Arab sheikh steps out.

"I am the king of one of the wealthiest countries of the world. I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you, and I would like you to join my harem." he says.

The woman replies. "The last thin...

Did you hear that Batman's rival was captured and arrested in Russia?

They've got him locked up in the Ra's al Ghulag.

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

Hey, have you heard that the president of Russia was kidnapped?

They say he was Putin the trunk of a car.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

What will happen if you play CS:GO with Putin?

He'll Russia.

A man in Soviet Russia checks into a hotel for the night.

He goes up to his hotel room, which he has to share with three other men. He tries to get to sleep, but they're talking, drinking vodka and listening to music. He goes down to the receptionist and asks her to send up a cup of tea in ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, he knocks on the wall and sa...

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

What happens when the WiFi goes down in Russia?

Nyetflix.

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

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In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.

Stalin: Why was this man arrested?

Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?

Prisoner: ...

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

Why couldn't the NSA whistle blower leave Russia?

He was Snowden

I think I've been hacked by Russia.

Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

My friend went to Russia

So I went to Rush B

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

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Why is America and Russia participating in a Second Cold war?

Because according to our greatest leaders, this is how you address global warming

Me on a date

Date - I’m a country fan

Me - Same, Russia’s pretty big

Date - that’s not what I meant, anyway this date isn’t working out, would you mind calling me a cab?

Me - ok, you’re a cab

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

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BBC NEWS: Russia to unplug from the internet.

In other news, 75% of the world's online porn has disappeared

In Soviet Russia we're all equal...

...ly worthless.

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.

I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher," he says, "is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask?" inquires the teacher.

Little Hans replies, "Well, teacher. My grandpa told me how he crawled one street in Stalingrad for two months and never reached the end of it."

What do the laws of physics and the predsident of Russia have in common?

You can't choose them

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An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

The Trump administration announced a plan to once again unify Crimea with the rest of Ukraine.

Both will be known as "Russia".

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

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Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

Why is it so hard to fight corruption in Russia?

Because it knows judo.

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

He asks him, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute most of the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Why does Russia smell like farts?

Because Vladimir's Pootin

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