Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

​

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

​

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I think I have been hacked by Russia

Edit: Everything is fine comrades, the motherland would not do such a thing.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

My friend went to Russia

So I went to Rush B

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet

Russia has two great generals

January and February

Why don’t they have iPads in Russia

Because they only have wePads

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

What do the laws of physics and the predsident of Russia have in common?

You can't choose them

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.

&#x200B;

At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.

&#x200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BBC NEWS: Russia to unplug from the internet.

In other news, 75% of the world's online porn has disappeared

In Soviet Russia we're all equal...

...ly worthless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.

Stalin: Why was this man arrested?

Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?

Prisoner: ...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

USA, Russia and China gather together at a weapons convent

The spokesman of the USA says: „Our submarines are great! They can get along 4 months without refueling!“

Russia counters: „Our submarines can even swim 6 months without refueling!“

China smiles and says: „what, only 6? Ours can go 8 months without refueling!“

Suddenly, a submar...

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.

They tell each other what are they there for.

The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The third o...

A judge walks out of his courtroom in Soviet Russia chuckling to himself.

Another judge stops him and says, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this funny political joke in my courtroom." the first judge says.

"Really?" says the second judge, "Tell it to me, I want to hear it."

The first judge says, "No way. I gave the poor guy 20 years hard labor for it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

Why is it so hard to be a plumber or mechanic in Soviet Russia?

Because you aren’t allowed to change anything about the system.

Why is it so hard to fight corruption in Russia?

Because it knows judo.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

Why does Russia smell like farts?

Because Vladimir's Pootin

I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once.

I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

Eu in a nutshell

"I am hungary"

"Maybe you should czech the fridge."

"I am russian to the kitchen."

"Is there any turkey?"

"We have some, but its covered in Greece"

"Ew,there's norway I'd eat that!"

TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Do you know what catches a Russian acrobat when they fall?

"Nyet."

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

Soviet Russia

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

If russia is the motherland and germany is the fatherland

That makes WWII domestic abuse

France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time

They won something in Russia.

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

I heard Russia attacked Ukraine again?

Crimea river.

What do you call the leader of Russia when he has a cold?

Rasputin

History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”

From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking ...

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerade Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.


Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.


"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.


"No, no, Comrade Major, I do ...

If Russia attacked Turkey?

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...
.... would Greece help?

What was the best part of dating in Soviet Russia?

The red flags never came as a surprise.

I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia...

I was in The Serviette Union.

Two guys are trying to escape from Soviet Russia.

The first guy looks over to the other and says : race you to the Finnish line!

Democracy in Russia

I bet you were expecting more.

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

My dad calls me his little Russia

Because he didn't pull out when he should have.

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

A man in Soviet Russia goes to buy a car

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

What do Soviet Russia and the Lottery have in common?

You don’t play the game,

The game plays you.

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

There's a town in Russia where the aristocracy are fashionably polyamorous.

Share-noble.

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

On a cold night in Soviet Russia...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve.

They feel a slight percipitation.

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, its snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask the communist officer here? Hes always right!" Exclaims the man

"Officer ...

What do you call a haunted prison in Russia?

A ghoulag

3 Americans visit Soviet Russia

They ask their local guide to reserve a table at the finest restaurant in Moscow.
Once they're seated, the waiter starts taking their orders
"I'll have the mutton", says the first yankee.
"Certainly, sir"
"I'll have a large t-bone steak, rare", orders the 2nd guy.
"Very good...

You know what they used for light in Communist Russia before candles?

Electricity

Why did Russia nuke USA?

Because Trump spelled "nudes" wrong.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet.

Why does Russia have so much natural gas?

Because their leader is always Putin

If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank.

In Corporate America, bank robs YOU!

How did the president of Russia get to where he is today?

He Putin the time.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in ...

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

What do you call a cow that lives in Russia?

Moscow

Russia must be depressing

Because Putin's political opponents keep on committing suicide

At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President