An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

​

The h...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

I got hit in the head with a can of soda?

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

I was walking home and someone threw a block of cheese out of their window hit me on the head

I turned and shouted that wasn’t very mature was it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

How do you tell someone that they give really bad head?

"You really suck?"

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip. The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent t...

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop ...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet

It's got scientists scratching their heads.

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting in a bar with his head down looking upset.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?

Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Ma...

What is the last thing that goes through a bee's head when it hits the windshield?

His ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with...

Why do blondes give more head in spring?

They've heard that one swallow doesn't make a summer.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

I have nightmares about getting head from my ex

Thinking about it keeps me up at night.

Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Everyone should listen to talking heads

or at least once in a lifetime

An Army soldier, an Air Force pilot, and a Marine stumble upon a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The army man says, "Guys, this is a perfect opportunity!"

"For what?" the others inquire.

Before the other two can finish their thought, the army man walks over to the sheep, drops his pants, and starts giving it hot and heavy to the helpless animal.

"What are you doing?!" excla...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

Yesterday I went to a Talking Heads concert

Once in a lifetime experience...

A buff man with a orange-sized head..

A well built man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender quite shocked inquires “do you mind me asking about the size of your ahead?”. “Sure..” he acquiescently replies.

“Not long ago I was lost in some woods. I don’t know how I got there. As I was...

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"

"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

Why did Thor not go for the head?

Because he was going for the Thor-Axe

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

A BRUNETTE A RED HEAD AND A BLONDE WERE IN ...

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out.

The girls broke out and the brunette said,
"Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come o...

How do you do math in your head?

Using imaginary numbers

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

All was calm at the grocery store until a man holding a stick above his head ran into the store.

“This is a stick-up!”

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

A bunch of books fell on my head last night

I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your...

A leper gave me head tonight.

She said I may keep it.

A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .

. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.

He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his...

Two boys head to a brothel

The first boy calls one of the ladies over and asked "How much?"

The lady replied with "£40, kid."

The two boys pooled together all of the money they had and found that they were short by a considerable amount. The second boy asks "What can we get for £2:80?" The lady just smacked the...

There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of Coca Cola

It’s a soft drink

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

I had the term "apropos of nothing" stuck in my head and I didn't know what it meant.

Apparently it wasn't relevant.

My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it

Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Red head

Anxious new father: "Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried... Both my wife and I have black hair but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny had been going on?"

Doctor: "Not necessarily, how many times do you have sex?"

Father: "About 5 times a year"

Doctor:...

I took my dog to the vet because he was losing hair on his head.

Apparently he's got male patting baldness.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

What has 6 legs, 9 arms, 3 heads, and 2 feet?

The Boston Marathon finish line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

She fell for me head over heels

Good thing I brought the chloroform

A book just fell on Sean Connery's head. He said...

"I've only myshelf to blame"

A guy is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?!", he screams.
"I was emptying your trouser pockets and found a piece of paper with a woman's name and a phone number!"
Thinking quickly, the guy says, "Honey, calm down, that's just the name of a horse i was betting on! The number is for the betting place!"....

If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black kid pulls the flour over his head.

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Da...

There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde. She's 19.

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men walk into a bar and see a big guy sitting at the end with a tiny head...

One guy says to the other guy "Go over there and ask him why is head so small." The second guy says "No way man you do it."

So he proceeded to the end of the bar asking him "Hey man, why is your head so tiny?"

The guy with the tiny head says "It's okay, everybody ask me all the time....

My mother said she will smash my head into my keyboard if I don't get off of Reddit and do my homework, well I think she

Jfjdjgbgbhfjfhhfnfnt

What do you call a hero that doesn't aim for the head and requires a rematch?

A Thor loser.

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

A man sticks his head into a barber shop...

(I heard this on a radio ad, and it took me forever to get the joke. Now I feel the need to share it)

The man asks the barber "How long until I can get a hair cut?"

The barber replies "About 2 hours." And then the man leaves. The next day the man sticks his head in again and asks "How...

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Voices In His Head

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, an...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What should you be grateful for when a bird shits on your head?

That cows don’t have wings.

Your Duck is Dead !!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.

He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. ...

Why was the head winning the race?

Because he was a head

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends sitting in a movie theatre notice a baldy. One of them challenges the other to slap that baldy's head and get away with it..

So this guy goes and slaps the baldy's head saying "Dude! long time no see. How is it goi..." with the baldy looking at him annoyed and angry.

The guy goes "oh I am really sorry. I mistook you for a friend of mine who also has a shaven head."

Baldy buys the excuse and lets him go....

I cut some hair off the front of my wife's head and took it to dinner

because I wanted to go out with a bang

Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?

Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

How does the Head of the Vatican pay for his items online?

By using his Papal account.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, ...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...