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Nelson Jokes

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

Lord Nelson

Lord Nelson was 1.7m tall. His column is 51m tall. That’s Horatio of 1:30.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

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What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

Willie Nelson has been hospitalized after being struck by a car today.

He was playing on the road again.

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

One day Nelson Mandela was chilling in his house...

When there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door to find a short Chinese man with a large truck full of car exhausts. The Chinese man jumped in front of Nelson Mandela holding up a clipboard and said,"you sign..you sign!!"

"Look, I don't know you and don't want any of your stuff...

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Nelson Mandela...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in...

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The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

When Admiral Nelson died he was 5ft tall.

He now has a statue that is 15ft tall.
That's Horatio of 3:1

What’s black and slides down Nelson’s column?

Winnie Mandela.

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Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Jap...

Willie Nelson is doing a concert for Beto O'Rourke

Some fans are burning their marijuana in protest.

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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

How did Nelson Mandela do laundry while in prison?

He used one part water, a part corn starch, and a part Tide.

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His stautue in central London is 15 feet tall.

Thats Horatio of 3:1

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Dude, did you hear Willy Nelson's gone..?

Yeah..he's on the road again.

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

Wrestling

Coach says can you describe a half Nelson ? Wrestler says a half nelson is when one arm is passed under the opponent's arm from behind and the hand is applied to the neck . Very good how about a full Nelson? When both arms are passed under opponents arms from behind and the hands are clasp behind th...

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

What gets higher with age?

Willie Nelson

What has 40 feet and 8 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date repli...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the...

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Elvis tattoo

Women walks into tattoo shop and asks artist if he could do a portrait tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh. He says of course and they negotiate a price $500 and he gets to work.

After a few hours the artist says it’s done. Women looks at the tattoo and was not satisfied. “That’s an e...

3 presidents were in hell.

Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.

Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and af...

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

A lady goes into a tattoo palor...

to get a tat of Elvis on the inside of her thigh.

Her and the artist pick out an Elvis she likes and he goes to work.

When he's finished, she looks down and flips out! "That doesn't look anything thing like Elvis"!

They argue back and forth for a bit, and he tells her he'll do o...

Where do South Africans buy their pastrami and salami?

At the Nelson Mandeli.

A lady decides to get a tattoo

A lady who is a huge Elvis fan decides on his birthday to get a tattoo of the King to commemorate his life.

She goes to a well-known tattoo artist in town and asks that he put the ink on the inside of her thigh. The artist draws it out and asked her, “Do you like the design, and is right her...

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa?

Nelson Candela

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

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