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My wife is constantly trying to talk to me through the bathroom door while I'm using the toilet.

It always annoys the shit out of me so I can't complain too much.

If you're locked out of your house, try slow talking with your door.

Because communication is key.

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

Hi! So we thought about a threesome for a long time and we’ve decided to give it a try.

We are one man looking for two women.

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

When i try to impress a girl

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...
Unless they know mathematics

Did you know that if you try and say onomatopoeia backwards...

You'll likely waste several seconds of your life!

I try not to tell dad jokes anymore.

He’s been dead for a good 5 hours now,

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

The Park Ranger told me not to leave any wrappers inside my car otherwise bears might try and break into it....

I didn't know bears were so into Hip Hop

If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password...

But it wasn't Stroganoff.

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

My flat-earther friend said he would try to find the edge of the world

Though in the end he came around

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

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My wife kept insisting that we try having sex underground

Eventually I caved.

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

Sometimes I try to sneak into the Intensive Care Unit to tell bad puns, but they always stop me by saying

ICU

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

When writing, I try to use contractions as little as possible.

I find them reductive.

If you don't succeed in the first try,

then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Rich man tries to take his money with him.

A wealthy man decided he was going to try to take all of his money with him when he died. He got a large suitcase, filled it with cash, and put it in the attic. He was hoping to grab it on his way up to heaven. After he died, his family went up into the attic and saw that all his money was still sit...

I’ve been meaning to try bukkake for a while, and it’s really fun.

My whole family came.

Don't try and tell me you didn't sing that!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

I don’t think I would ever try a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

A blonde girl is tired of people making dumb blonde jokes...

So she decides to gather a stadium full of blondes to prove that not all blondes are dumb. She picks one woman from the crowd and asks her,

"What is the square root of 144?"

The woman thinks long and hard and answers, "Uhmmm, 7?"

The stadium starts chanting, "one more try!...

Never try to high five a prison guard

They will leave you hanging

I'm afraid to try bungie jumping.

Was already born because of broken rubber, don't want to die because of it.

I told my wife I was going to try to get a job working for Gallup.

She was all for it until I asked her to help me practice by coming to the bedroom and taking a poll.

My teacher this year told me to try out Cross Country.

She said it would be good in the long run.

I always try to predict the punchline to jokes posted here.

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

Before you criticize someone, try walking a mile in their shoes...

Then you’ll be a mile away and you have their shoes.

Told my girlfriend i wanted to try sleeping in the fetal position.

after a few minutes she said what are you doing you can't fit all the way in there..

A judge who quit after dismissing a ton of charges decided to give it another try.

Nobody likes acquiter.

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My girlfriend told me she wanted to try bondage sex.

I spend thousands on a gimpsuit, whips, chains, a sex swing, the whole works.

Turned out she was fucking Sean Connery.

I told my friend "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again."

Well, turns out he's addicted to gambling now.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

Doctor: you should really try to eat healthier.

Me: Well, I've been eating a lot of vegetables lately. Just don't know what to do with all the extra wheelchairs.

He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

I wanted to try online dating

I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor."

That's when I knew she wasn't my type.

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[On the way to the therapist] Me: You’re going to bring up the fact that I always try to predict the future, aren’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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My girlfriend said if we get 100 upvotes we'll try anal

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me

Why don’t hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

Heres my first try at this

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, Jack looks different from the others. **Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"**

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The hu...

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

I told my misses that I was going away for the day to try some fishing

“Are you going alone?”she asked

“Of course not” I replied, “ I’m taking Rod and Anette”

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

I convinced my fellow pirate to try heroin.

Now he's hooked.

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It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.


"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter u...

Let's try this

Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow

He didn't hab-an-arrow

It's funny how no one complains when I try to remember something?

But the second I try to DISmember something, everyone calls the cops...

If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

I try to not eat neutrinos

They always seem to go right through me

Looking for a new drink? Try a Hurricane Sandy...

It's a watered-down Manhattan

I finally found someone who really care about me and can spend some hours to listen me and try to make me feel better

It’s my doctor

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

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Don’t try phone sex.

You might get hearing AIDS.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

My girlfriend told me she wanted to try road head!

Of course I was down! So we went for a long drive, turned the cruise control on, and she got to work.

It was great.

I don't think I want to try it again though, it was pretty difficult steering from the passenger seat.

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

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