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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

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Wife says to husband, “Let’s try the missionary position

Husband: “What’s that?”

Wife: “I stay here and you fuck off to Africa!”

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try using condoms with something special in them to enhance her pleasure.

I was all for it, until the "something special" turned out to be other guy's dicks.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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I always wanted to try juggling...

I just never had the balls to.

The new Vietnamese restaurant was getting great reviews, so I decided to try it

Clearly the word had spread, as when I got there, hundreds of people were already waiting to get in. The line went all the way around the block. Some people got there hours before the place even opened. I thought about just going somewhere else, but I figured if it was that popular, the food must be...

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

I was told since I’m ugly, to try to be funny.

So I started telling people I’m good-looking.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

My motto is, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Anyway, I don't give skydiving lessons anymore.

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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My wife asked if I'd like to try a new sex position

She said it's called "doggy style".

I said "yeah, I can get behind that".

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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A husband and wife were trying to think of ways to spice up their sex life...

So one day the man came home with some flavored condoms. That night they were in bed, and the wife went down under the covers.

A few seconds later she popped her head back up and said, "Ugh, that one tastes like cheese!"

And her husband said, "I didn't put it on yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

A teacher trying to teach good manners ...

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The te...

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

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A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

What do Italian Satanists try to summon?

The Antipasta

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

A rancher is trying to sell his herd of bovines...

He is showing a prospective buyer the herd. The buyer notices that the males appear to be having issues with their sense of balance and comments on this to the rancher. Before the rancher can reply, one of the male bovines responds, "It's OK. We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

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