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Try Jokes

If you ever meet someone that you just don't like, try walking a mile in their shoes...

At least that way, you'll be a mile away from them - and they'll have no shoes to run & catch you with.

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

About a week ago I decided to try and learn sign language

Turns out it's very handy.

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.

So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

I’m trying to get a photographic memory

But its still developing.

You can try to fill the void with food

But it will never work if you keep swallowing it.

Many centuries ago, some thrill-seeking kings & queens would hire a special kind of jester to sneak up on them and try to scare the heck outta them at bedtime, what was it called?

Nightmare fool.

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What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

I think it's time I gave nofap a try.

I really need to get a hold of myself.

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

I’m trying to get a job taking care of horses.

I’ve heard it’s stable employment.

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My wife asked if I'd like to try a new sex position

She said it's called "doggy style".

I said "yeah, I can get behind that".

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A man and his wife decided to try anal...

The wife ended up being pretty bummed out after the fact.

I was trying to build new deck stairs…

But unfortunately I lacked the dexterity.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

What plant is always trying to scare people?

bamBOO

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

I spent 30 minutes trying to take off my wife's bra today.

I should never have put in on in the first place.

I've been trying to give up innuendo for lent

But it's so hard, and longer than I realised

I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up fro...

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Well, after years of begging, my wife finally gave in and said tonight we can try anal sex.

Just one question, though.
What's a strap-on?

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

had an old Catholic girlfriend try and talk to me the other day...

Call that "excommunication"

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find."

but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find

A few months ago, a friend of ours decided to quit his job to try to become a mime.

Haven’t heard from him since.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

A couple of religious guys knocked on my door trying to sell me vacuum cleaners

They were Jehoovers Witnesses

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.

She's still looking for a lake with a hill.

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

a man was late to work because he was trying to stop his clock from falling down

before he knew it, his time was up

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

Why did the mentally ill billionaire try to purchase Antartica?

Because he was bi-polar.

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



At...

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

The wife and are are trying to name our new baby. She wants to name him Drew

I want to name him Driew. It's only weird if you spell it backwards.

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept saying "be positive"

I'll try but it's hard without him.

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

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Another oldie...

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!"
“So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply....

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My girlfriend has the cutest ass.

But whenever I try to feed it, it "HEEHAW"s in my face and kicks me!

Two fishermen from Texas decide to try ice fishing for the first time

They drive up to Wisconsin and stop at the tackle shop by the lake side. One fisherman buys a couple of ice picks and leaves while the other buys some bait. A little while later, the first fisherman comes back and buys 6 more ice picks, which the shop keeper is happy to supply, but is a little curio...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai...

Two Irish men decided to try and write a song together

But sadly, they couldn't get past the first two bars.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Triplets

I was in a band in college and we sucked, but it was a fun hang so we just liked chilling and playing pop music without worrying about being technically proficient as we were all beginners to our instruments.


Of the three of us, I was the most experienced, as I’d been playing bass for...

A man is drowning

A man is drowning. A helicopter arrives with a dangling rope, but he waves it away, shouting,
; "I am waiting for God
to save me!" After several minutes, a man on a raft appears.


Again the drowning man waves the rescuer away, explaining that he is waiting for God. When another boat ...

Please stop trying to unionize

It took so long to ionize

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

A spiritual Leader lay quietly. He was dying.

The disciples had gathered around his bed and recited some holy verses trying to make his last journey divine and pleasant.

They wanted to give him warm milk to drink but he declined.

One of the disciples took the glass back to the kitchen and decided to add some brandy con...

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Some guy was trying to sell me object permanence today.

But when I turned to grab my wallet, he disappeared.

A horse owner was trying to sell a wind-broken horse

The owner was trotting him around for inspection. When he stopped, he stroked the horse's back and remarked to the prospective buyer:

"Hasn't a lovely coat?"

But the other noticed that the horse was panting, and answered:

"Ah, I like his coat all right, but I don't like his pan...

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

Poor Sarah

There are 365 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left?




364



How do you put an Elephant in a fridge?



Open the door
Put the Elephant in
Close it



How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?



Open the door
Take th...

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.

I'm hooked

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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2 chickens are trying to cross the road

The one turns around to the other and asks “shall we cross here?” The other chicken replies “fuck that! Have you saw what they done to the zebra?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

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