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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks a...

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

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My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

I’d been trying to get the lid of my pen for hours...

Nothing I was trying was working.

Then it clicked.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Try this...

Two photons walk into a bar...

One says to the bartender "Don't you know who I am?"

The other answers for the bartender, "No, he doesn't even know who he is..."

The bartender lights a candle... from both ends.

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

I asked my wife what I should do to exercise, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That....sounds like a big step.”

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets

The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Bentley, England, pole vaulting' and they let him in.

The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'McGregor,...

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After recovering from an accident resulting in the loss of his eye, Jim decides to have a drink at the local pub with a few friends. The man, self-conscious about being made fun of for his wooden eye, downs three shots to try to loosen up.

He notices his friends pointing and laughing at a girl with what appeared to be a mouth that went up and down rather than side-to-side. He, of all people, could understand her discomfort, and decided to walk over and introduce himself.

After an hour and a few drinks, the conversation was flo...

Trying out a new joke about Reverse Psychology.

You didn't find this funny.....

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

What do you call it when someone can’t breath, and you’re too intimidated to try and help them?

Choking

I was trying to come up with a good steak joke

but it was too difficult as they are a rare medium well done

A guy told me not to try cross dressing

He told me it was kind of a drag.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

i hate it whenever i try to be nice and hold a door open for people

and then they just scream and fly out of the plane, like, what the hell?

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

As an insomniac, I try not to worry a lot about my problems

I don't sleep on them

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

My sister just had a baby to try and 'save the relationship'

But I still don't talk to her.

If you're locked out of your house, try slow talking with your door.

Because communication is key.

I've been trying to get over my fear of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

I was thinking of trying out a career in tracing things.

Or something along those lines.

Hi! So we thought about a threesome for a long time and we’ve decided to give it a try.

We are one man looking for two women.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a huge McSteak

My wife and I were trying to have a child...

Turns out, his parents still want him

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

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3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.

While walking they see a gestapo officer.

"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the...

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I’m trying to start a study camp for people who can’t focus in class...

But nobody will join my concentration camp!

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

This really annoying, loud, and flashy vehicle was trying to speed by me today so I cut it off and flipped off the driver.

I hate ambulances.

My friend got upset because he's trying to teach me grammar and I'm not very good at it.

I said "their their".

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

I was trying to decide what my favourite U2 song was

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

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Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

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Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

On her bedroom dresser he found a bottle of "polish remover."

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

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A Soldier and a general were trying to escape from their enemies

The soldier and the general were on horseback trying to escape their enemies,

the general tells him: "Look, there is a sturdy branch coming up, if we grab on to it once we're close enough and hang on to it and we can outsmart the enemies!"

once they got near enough, the quickly grabbed...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

You can’t fight Destiny, because if you try

Then you will have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

When i try to impress a girl

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...
Unless they know mathematics

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

Did you know that if you try and say onomatopoeia backwards...

You'll likely waste several seconds of your life!

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

When trying online dating, try opening with a joke that you read on this sub.

That way, you can be sure that they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

I was trying to convince my rich friend of mine to sell me his source of hydroelectric power.

But he didn't give a dam.

Why is KKR trying to buy Walgreens?

They tried to buy CVS but then receipt would be too long.

My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan

My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up.

She said, "Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"

I said, "I'll take the latter."

So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked.

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I got tired of being the polite Canadian in the group that always says "Excuse me" when he burps sneezes or yawns, so I've been trying out something a little different. Now it's "Achoo!...

, Fuck You!"

...and New Yorkers have been treating me way better.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

My roommate from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he’s up to now.

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

The queen wanted to go to bed, but the king was trying to think of a name for his soldiers and wouldn't go to bed before he came up with one.

Queen: K night.

King: Babe you're a genius!

I try not to tell dad jokes anymore.

He’s been dead for a good 5 hours now,

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Doctor suggested my wife and I try different lubricants to improve our relationship

I think loctite is the superior lubricant, my wife doesn’t agree but I doubt we’ll ever be separated.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

I'm trying really hard to get a job at the moisturizer factory

I'm applying twice a day

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

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