This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

I heard about this pick up line where you say "kiss me if im wrong, but is your name Lisa?" to a random girl you like and decided to try it out.

You would not believe my bad luck, all of the girls I asked where actually named Lisa!

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

I try to get to the bakery around 1:50 PM.

That way I have time to get my cake and eat at two.

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That sounds ....like a big step.”

When going on a blind date, try opening with a joke you read on this sub.

This way you can ensure they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

I’m going to try and translate a joke from Russian, so here goes.

A man goes into the doctors office and starts to complain.

Man: I don’t feel blessed today

Doctor: Bless you. Next!

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

If you ever try to rick roll me, I will look for you. I will find you....

....I'm never gonna give you up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my step-mom is trying to seduce me.

I mean, she always eyes me at family dinners. Though I do sit next to my father so I can't be too sure. One day though, when my father and she fought, she slept in my bedroom, even when we have a guest room. But then again, maybe she was just looking for some company.

She also didn't like my ...

English is not first language want to try joke from my country

Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don’t love no hose.

My mate recommended I try the new Breadcrumb aftershave

Apparently the birds love it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife I was checking my penis for lumps and thought I could feel something. I asked if she could try and see if she could feel it

She didn’t take the bait

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

NSFW So you want to try Bondage huh?

Let me show you the ropes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I said to the manager "try before you buy"

It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop.

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

I bought three sniffer dogs, to try and solve the drug problem in my area.

Thankfully, they managed to find me some.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

Would you like to try African food?

They would like to try too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating a Polish joke and see if it works. A few friends are drinking vodka in the kitchen...

And there are disgusting flies all over the room. They can hardly sip their drinks without these wretched flies getting in their cups, or worse, their mouths.

One man tells his friends he has an idea to get the flies to stop bothering them, but they need to avert their eyes.

A few minu...

I want to try translating a Finnish joke to English and see if it works.

What is the animal that steals license plates?
- A turtle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar..

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

I spent years trying to find investors to fund the building of my sperm bank.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to round up any seed money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian joke

It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird teeth and wants to buy him. Then the parrot say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

Why is leather the best armor to wear if you're trying to be stealthy?

Because it's made of hide

A detective is trying to solve a murder mystery

A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.

The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.

A man is trying to hitchhike on the side of the road

After a little while, a car pulls up and the driver says “want a ride?” The man gets in and they drive off. After a little while the hitchhiker gets a little antsy “Aren’t you worried I’m a serial killer or something? He asks. The driver looks at him. “Now what are the chances of two serial killers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

NSFW Man tries likes to tickle

A man was sitting next to his wife. He reaches over and tries to tickle her,

"Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!'

The woman says, "Stop!"

The man tries to tickle her again,

"Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!"

"Stop, please!" She asked

The man tries to tickle her once more,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll try to translate this joke from Spanish

A man is walking down the road carrying a shovel when his friend sees him.

Friend: Hey Pablo, you sure do look tired. What have you been up to?

Pablo: I come from burying my mother in law.

Friend: And you're that tired? Even with how strong you are?

Pablo: The massive bit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just watched a show about a mare, a cow, a sheep and a goat trying to find potencial mates to reproduce with in the city of New York

My friend says the show is called "Sex and the City".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

A guy was outside trying to fly a kite, but it had no tail on it, so it kept crashing to the ground..

His wife shouted from the window, "you need some tail. "

He said in reply, "honey, you need to make up your mind, last night when I tried to get some tail you told me to go fly a kite".

Are you sick of lawyers trying to sell you stuff on tv?

You might be entitled to compensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted to try anal yesterday, she said not only did it make her day

it made her hole weak!


p.s haven't seen it posted on here in awhile so why not?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's intentionally trying to get the virus

A sick fuck!

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions.

But all she does is cum plain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.

As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a boy sitting on the stoop. "Is your mother home?", he asked.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass. The salesman rang the bell three times but got no response. He then knocked on the door loudly but got no answer. Exaspe...

My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.

He refused two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Try at your own risk.

Foreign tourist: What is the greatest adventure sport in India?

Indian man: \*Looks sadly at ring on his hand\* Arranged marriage.

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An uber please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Did you hear about that firefighter who got in trouble for trying to put out burning buildings with semen?"

"Yeah, he came under fire."

I was trying to write a joke about Buddhism

But nothing came to mind.

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

I drove into town to try a new boxing simulator.

I left my house at 8am and drove into town to try the new boxing simulator that had been installed at a famous fighters gym.

I thought to myself that leaving at 8am might be a bit late and the queue might be rather long by now. But I really wanted to have a go.

The boxing simulator lo...

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trying to get my dog to play a guitar...

But she’s just being a bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.