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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

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What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

An ass that will bring you to tears.

What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey?

One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.

Why did Donkey Kong go to the dentist?

He had tooth DK

Why does a donkey-meat lover make women wet?

Because he eats ass.

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What did the farmer say when I dug a perfect 6×8×10 foot pit to bury his dead donkey?

"Wow. What an asshole."

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

What do Bruce Lee and the Donkey from Shrek have in common?

They have both entered the dragon.

What did the donkey say to the couch

Nothing, cause donkeys can’t speak

I’ve never tried eating donkey

I imagine it tastes like ass

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

There's this guy who likes to collect donkey remains.

It's a pretty assinine hobby.

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat....

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the...

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

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What's the difference between a horse's dick and a donkey's dick?

A donkey's dick gets more ass.

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

What did Ferris Bueller name his donkey?

Shane, darling donkey Shane.

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show qui...

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One of my employees called in sick today because his donkey broke it's leg and he had to wait on a vet...

I'll admit, it was a lame ass excuse.

[My 7-year old made this up] What do you call a crazy donkey?

Re-donkeyous

What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?

Molasses.

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donkey story

Guy driving out in the country and sees a man out in a field having sex with a donkey. He pulls into the farmhouse and knocks on the door. Kid comes to the door, 12, 13 years old.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, is your father at home?

"No"

"Do you have a hired hand working her...

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kick...

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Why does the donkey’s voice sound bad?

Because it’s a little hoarse.

Why did the Ghost of the Pin-the-tail-on-the Donkey go to Bevmo?

Because they retail spirits.

(My 9-year-old came up with this, be kind)

A man is riding his donkey in the desert looking for treasure.

They go 5 miles, and pass an oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.

They go 10 miles, and pass another oasis, the donkey looks back, and the man goes,

“Just a little longer, Jackass.”

They go 15 miles, and pass another oasis, the...

2 farmers are fighting over their donkeys.

They can't tell the donkeys apart so the first farmer says "I'll cut my the tail of my donkey off so that we can tell."

A few days later the donkeys get into a fight and the other donkey gets it's tail bitten off.

The other farmer says "I'll cut my donkey's ear off so I know it's mine...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

Two englishmen lost their donkey at a fetish convention

What a pair of assless chaps

Donkey joke

Bob’s having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts ‘hey here’s donkey’ and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks ‘hey mate why does he call you donkey’. Guy replies ‘I don’t know .....he haw, he haw, he ...

Two newlyweds are on their honeymoon in the Grand Canyon...

They decide to ride the donkeys down to the bottom. They're both riding along with their tour group, enjoying the view when the wife's donkey trips and falls. The husband sees this and hears her say "That's one."

The donkey gets back up and starts trotting along back down the path. A few min...

A big internet company now renders donkeys with open-source technology

It's called "Google GL ass"

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If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole and fox lives in a foxhole

Does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole?

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What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

What do you call a person with an elephant as a father and a donkey as a mother?

A libertarian.

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A guy walks into a bar in Mexico, and sees a sign that says "If you can make this donkey laugh we will give you $100."

So the guy goes to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts laughing uncontrollably. Then the guy walks straight to the bartender and collects the $100.

A week later the guy goes back to the bar and now the sign says "If you can make this donkey stop laughing we wil...

The man, the donkey, and the dog.

A man is walking alongside a donkey and a dog on a very hot day. Feeling the sun beating down on him, he looks up at the sky and says, "It sure is hot today, never seen a day this hot in my life". The donkey says, "I'm with you man, I feel like I'm going to melt". The man, surprised and terrified th...

Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

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A boy and his father were going to town with his donkey...

A boy and his father were going to town with their donkey. Some people remarked “what a shame that little boy is riding the donkey when he has energy, and making the poor old man walk”. The old man and his son agreed to switch places. Then others remarked “look at that grown man on a donkey making a...

Why are donkeys happy?

They're hung like a horse

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday.

He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

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A farmer takes his donkey to a vet

A farmer takes his donkey to a vet, as the donkey hasn't been keeping well. The vet gives some pills to the farmer and tells him.

"Take a hollow tube. Put two pills in the tube and blow the pills into the donkey's throat".

Next day, the farmer returns to the vet, all itchy and red blo...

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

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The horse and the donkey

WARNING: If you are not from Europe you might not get this. Feel free to go on.

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So the donkey meets his old pal the horse after many many years.

H-"Hey mate, how's life?"

D-"Can't complain, all is good, what about you?"

H-"I am fine...

A donkey and his farmer were hauling some corn on an old road

when a wheel broke, cracking the road underneath. The township sued the farmer for road repairs, but a judge dismissed the case stating "it's not the ass's fault asphalt has faults"

A donkey is having a drink in a pub

when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over t...

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Boss: "Why did you hire a donkey to work in the copy room?"

Me: "Well, I gave a buncha animals a tryout."

Boss: "And..."

Me: "That ass collated quickly."

It took me an hour to remove a shard of glass from my donkey after it kicked in a window.

It was a pane in the ass.

Did I tell you the one about the two priests and a donkey?

I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it...

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I once knew a scientist that tried to clone a donkey using his own DNA...

Everyone in his field said it couldn't be done. Needless to say, he made an ass out of himself.

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I keep seeing this guy on a bike trying to sell his donkey.

He peddles his ass all over town.

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey

Would you be stoned off your ass

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?"
The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit f...

A donkey is sitting at a bar...

A donkey is sitting at a bar after a long day’s work carrying kids around on the beach. He’s having a quiet drink by himself when a thoroughbred race horse joins him.

They’re having a a nice time until the pub calls last orders.

As they’re leaving the horse asks the donkey to join him...

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Donkey balls

A farmer is out at the edge of his field, lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "excuse me, do you have correct time? My watch is wrong". The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 25 past 9." The rider is ...

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Bar contest with a donkey

A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He reads a notice that says make the donkey laugh and win free drinks for the day. The man walks up whispers something to the donkey it looks at him and bursts out laughing. He claims his free drinks and leaves. 2 weeks later the man returns to the bar and r...

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

My dad used to own a donkey that would draw his cart...

...but he sold it for a horse that did watercolors.

A fishing story

The king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "T...

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If your donkey eats one of my rooster's legs, what do you have?

A foot of my cock in your ass.

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[NSFW] If your donkey ate the legs off of my rooster

There would be two feet of my cock in your ass.

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What happens when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most of the time you get a hairy onion.


Sometimes though you’ll get a piece of ass that will make you cry.

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A donkey must have a hard life.

It doesn't matter if he's a smart ass or a dumb ass, people still don't seem to like him.

Why don't we send donkeys to school?

No one likes a smart ass

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So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm...

After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the...

So i ate donkey,

Didnt like it though, it tasted like ass.

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You've got a donkey, I've got a rooster. Your donkey bit the leg off my rooster...

Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.

My friend and I were a donkey for Halloween...

We just half-assed our costumes.

How to Sell a Dead Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The far...

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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.

He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a magical bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.

So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself behi...

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A doctor went to a village inhabited by only men.

A young doctor went to an isolated village to provide medical assistance to its villagers which were composed only by men. One day the people tolled the doctor that if he ever felt the need for sexual relief that he'd need to go and stand in-line near the river and wait he's turn.

The next da...

What did Shrek say when he tripped over Donkey?

Sorry, didn't see you ogre there.

How does a Donkey make its living?

Eeyores himself out.

Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

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Horse and Donkey

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to...

When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?

He honks

A man with a stutter...

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

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I just saw a donkey cross the road..

Fucker looked both ways before we went across. What a smart ass.

My friend's donkey was drowning...

But I saved his ass.