UPJOKE
mulehorsezebraburrohinnyfoalequidaestallionassmarezebroidhybriddomesticationequusafrican wild ass

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i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and your donkey eats the feet off my rooster what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass?

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A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farm's field.

The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I'm just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to...

I recently ate Donkey meat, I don't recommend it

It tastes like Ass

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

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What do you call a donkey on cocaine?

An Ass Crack

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Did you hear the one about the donkey with a low IQ?

It's a stupid-ass joke.

What does a pervert donkey put in his Tinder profile?

I eat ass

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

What's the difference between Matthew Broderick and Donkey Kong?

One's a furious barreller, the other's Ferris Bueller.

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We finally removed some ticks from the donkey today.

They were being a pain in the ass.

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My donkey died the other day, so I dug it a grave.

It was an asshole.

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

My friend got killed by a donkey

Some say he was assassinated

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A donkey had an IQ of 186.

He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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Did you hear about the ventriloquist who claimed that he could use a live donkey as a puppet?

Turns out he was just talking out of his ass.

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One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonky

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What do you call the butthole of a donkey?

An asshole.

How about the mouth?

An asshole.

How about the ear?

An asshole.

How about the hair?

That's just hair you idiot.

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a ...

A donkey fell out of the sky into my lawn!

Meet Eeyore.

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A donkey walks into a bar, and everyone cheers. Why?

Because if he had passed it he would have been a bad ass lawyer

How to Sell a Dead Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The far...

What do you get when you cross a small dog with a donkey?

A Jack Russell Derrière.

My stupid, hungry donkey decided to eat a window

It was a huge pane in the ass

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

What did the donkey say as he fell down the well?

Hew-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

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You've got a donkey, I've got a rooster. Your donkey bit the leg off my rooster...

Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.

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Donkey, Chicken, Rooster

A man was walking down the road with his donkey, chicken, and rooster. Along the way, the donkey kept stopping and reaching up with his back leg to scratch himself, but he never seemed to hit the spot. The man was frustrated with the donkey, but couldn’t help it, since he was holding the chicken and...

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

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I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

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What do you call a donkey that's on fire?

The hottest ass you've ever seen

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

What do you call Donkey Kong's thick sister?

BaDonky Kong.

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

What do Bruce Lee and the Donkey from Shrek have in common?

They have both entered the dragon.

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

A pack of donkeys is called "a drove". But what do you call a pack of camels?

It's called "the reason your daddy left", Johnny. That's what it's called.

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

An imbecile sent a photo to his mother of himself riding a donkey.

On the back of the postcard he wrote "I'm the one on top."

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

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I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday.

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse, and I said no but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

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My donkey just ate the last of my French bread

It's a pain in the ass situation

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

A donkey, mule, and a horse walk into a bar

On their way to the bar a man looks at the donkey and yells “what an ass!”

The equestrians shrug off this distasteful jab and continue towards the bar.

The same man stands up and looks at the mule saying “I’d yell all day but now I’m a little horse!”

The equestrians ignore the m...

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

The truckers who transport donkey meat are very hurried

They spend their entire work day hauling ass

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I'm embarrassed by my donkey fetish

Sometimes it makes me feel like an ass.

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An old farmer and his dog are riding back home on a donkey pulled cart.

They reach a hill and the tired donkey is struggling to go up. Annoyed by this, the old farmer pulls out his whip and hits the donkey to make him go faster. However, the more the old farmer whips, the slower the donkey gets. Stuck in a frenzy, the old farmer continually yells and whips the donkey. S...

How does a male donkey laugh at a mediocre joke

He haws

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What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

What sound does a Swiss donkey make on a mountain?

Yodel-ay-hee-haw

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A man was surprised to find out his donkey is pregnant.

He thought it's impossible to get pregnant by coming in ass.

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I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

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Just had to stop for a donkey crossing the road.

Cool thing was he looked both ways before he crossed.

What a smart ass.

Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

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Did you guys hear the one about where a donkey got into a hat store destroying all the hats and the cops had to come and kill it?

It was pretty crazy, dead ass no cap.

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Why isn't a mule as good as a donkey?

They always half-ass everything.

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What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

What do you call a 3 legged donkey ?

A wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye ?
A blinky wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye and loves Hank Williams ?
A honky tonky blinky wonkey donkey.

Donkeys……

Two donkeys are standing at the roadside,one asks the other:”Shall we cross?”
His friend replies: “No way, look what happened to that zebra”.

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[NSFW] What would you call Oedipus if he was a donkey?

A dumbass motherfucker

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A young farmer is tending to his crop. A car pulls up and a man says, "Hey! See that guy over there? Well, he just told me your mother fucked a donkey and you're the result!"

The young farmer says, "What? That jerk? Ignore him. Hee-haways says that."

What do you call it when you kill an important donkey?

An Assassassination.

I made it up when I was seven and to this day its the only thing I've ever made up that resembles a joke.

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

If a donkey bucks you in the face...

...is it still considered an "ass-kicking"?

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

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The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me.

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My donkey fell down an abandoned well...

Long stoty short: I have to take care of an asshole now.

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Capital Letters Are Important

Capital letters can be just as important as commas and full-stops. For example, the sentence: "Let's help your Uncle Jack off his donkey" does *not* mean the same as "Let's help your uncle jack off his donkey".

A man asked his wife: how many teeth does a donkey have?

The wife's response: I don't know honey, look in the mirror, open your mouth, and count them.

What did the donkey say when his owner kept poking him?

Stop fingering your ass!

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A guy and his donkey walk into a bar

the bartender says to the man: "Get your ass out of here."

Donkey joke

Bob’s having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts ‘hey here’s donkey’ and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks ‘hey mate why does he call you donkey’. Guy replies ‘I don’t know .....he haw, he haw, he ...

Who is the most famous donkey?

Donkey Hotay

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

Donkey Lives Matter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

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My elderly donkey got bludgeoned badly by a large horned mountain goat now I can't walk right.

In other words my old ass got rammed.

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What do you get if a donkey falls off a road?

Ass-phalt

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A city slicker buys a farm…

…and walks to his neighbor to buy some farm animals. He tells his neighbor that he wants a rooster and a hen. The neighbor says, “Ok, but we don’t call them that around here, we call a rooster a cock and a hen a pullet.”

He then asks for a donkey but again the neighbor says, “Ok, but we call ...

Did you hear about the donkey that neglected its kids to go work out every day?

Such a jacked ass

A man baught a donkey from a preacher

The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately...

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What happens when you put Donald Trump and a female sex crazed donkey in the same room?

Nothing. Even donkeys have standards.

I was gonna tell you a joke I came up with about a were-donkey,

but I decided it was too half-assed

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If you had a donkey

If you had a donkey.

And I had a rooster.

And if your donkey ate both my roosters feet, what would you have?

Two feet of cock in your ass.

My favourite joke, I have never seen it here so I thought I would share.
P.S. my first post so please be kind.

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind? <...

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A boy and his father were going to town with his donkey...

A boy and his father were going to town with their donkey. Some people remarked “what a shame that little boy is riding the donkey when he has energy, and making the poor old man walk”. The old man and his son agreed to switch places. Then others remarked “look at that grown man on a donkey making a...

I just shot a donkey

Deadass

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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