UPJOKE
mulehorsezebraburrohinnyfoalstallionassmarezebroidhybridafrican wild asswild horsechariotpony

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i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

What did the donkey say as he fell down the well?

Hew-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

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What do you call a donkey drying machine?

An ass blaster

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Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys.

Especially considering Mules only do a half Ass job.

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

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What do you call the butthole of a donkey?

An asshole.

How about the mouth?

An asshole.

How about the ear?

An asshole.

How about the hair?

That's just hair you idiot.

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Donkey, Chicken, Rooster

A man was walking down the road with his donkey, chicken, and rooster. Along the way, the donkey kept stopping and reaching up with his back leg to scratch himself, but he never seemed to hit the spot. The man was frustrated with the donkey, but couldn’t help it, since he was holding the chicken and...

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

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I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

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I'm embarrassed by my donkey fetish

Sometimes it makes me feel like an ass.

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If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?

2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

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What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

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I met a girl who loved to eat ass

It was horrifying to watch her enthusiasm but the donkey loved it

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Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

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What do you call a donkey that's on fire?

The hottest ass you've ever seen

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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A wolf and A donkey were arguing about the color of the grass.

The wolf was saying: the grass is green.

The donkey was saying: the grass is blue.



They went to the king of the jungle to judge between them.

The lion king has ordered to send the wolf to jail.



The wolf asked the lion: isn't the grass green?

The lio...

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

How did the donkey's doctor know it had covid?

It was a little horse

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

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My neighbor has a quarter with a couple of donkeys just down the street.

Never ridden one, thought I'd give it a try!

Turns out I'm pretty good at it, at least until some stupid kids came along and started chucking rocks at us. donkey didn't like it all and bucked me off.

I guess you could say I got stoned off my ass...

What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

Biased

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My donkey keeps eating the glass out of my window

It is a real pane in the ass.

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

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An old farmer and his dog are riding back home on a donkey pulled cart.

They reach a hill and the tired donkey is struggling to go up. Annoyed by this, the old farmer pulls out his whip and hits the donkey to make him go faster. However, the more the old farmer whips, the slower the donkey gets. Stuck in a frenzy, the old farmer continually yells and whips the donkey. S...

Dixie Kong ran up to Donkey Kong crying..

"What wrong?" asked Donkey Kong.

"Someone told me I could get bananas from a hornet's nest so I hit it and the hornets came out and chased me!" Dixie sobs.

"Sounds like you did a Diddy." says Donkey.

"A Diddy? What's that mean?" asks Dixie.

DK explains, "I'm sayin, 'Do a ...

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a ...

How does a male donkey laugh at a mediocre joke

He haws

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A man was surprised to find out his donkey is pregnant.

He thought it's impossible to get pregnant by coming in ass.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

What would a donkey's pronouns be?

Hee-Her

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

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What do you get when your donkey bites off the legs of my rooster?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

What sound does a Swiss donkey make on a mountain?

Yodel-ay-hee-haw

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

Sleeping Man

Man: I cannot sleep at night, I keep seeing donkeys playing football.

Doctor: I am giving you some medicine, start using it tonight.

Man: Can I start tomorrow?

Doctor: Why tomorrow?

Man: Tonight is the finals.

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

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Just had to stop for a donkey crossing the road.

Cool thing was he looked both ways before he crossed.

What a smart ass.

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Did you guys hear the one about where a donkey got into a hat store destroying all the hats and the cops had to come and kill it?

It was pretty crazy, dead ass no cap.

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Why isn't a mule as good as a donkey?

They always half-ass everything.

A donkey, mule, and a horse walk into a bar

On their way to the bar a man looks at the donkey and yells “what an ass!”

The equestrians shrug off this distasteful jab and continue towards the bar.

The same man stands up and looks at the mule saying “I’d yell all day but now I’m a little horse!”

The equestrians ignore the m...

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

What do you call a donkey with three legs

A wonkey

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[NSFW] What would you call Oedipus if he was a donkey?

A dumbass motherfucker

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Why will donkeys never become fossorial?

Because the world already has enough assholes

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

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My donkey fell down an abandoned well...

Long stoty short: I have to take care of an asshole now.

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

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The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me.

I can't party like I used to when I was young.

A couple of rounds of pin the tail on the donkey and I'm wiped out.

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

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My donkey just ate the last of my French bread

It's a pain in the ass situation

If a donkey bucks you in the face...

...is it still considered an "ass-kicking"?

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A young farmer is tending to his crop. A car pulls up and a man says, "Hey! See that guy over there? Well, he just told me your mother fucked a donkey and you're the result!"

The young farmer says, "What? That jerk? Ignore him. Hee-haways says that."

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

I once knew a Formula 1 driver who had a day job trucking donkeys.

He was never a good driver, but he hauled ass!

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside,

one asks the other: Shall we cross?

His friend replies: No way, look what happened to that zebra.

What do you call a 3 legged donkey ?

A wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye ?
A blinky wonkey .
What do you call a 3 legged donkey who is blind in one eye and loves Hank Williams ?
A honky tonky blinky wonkey donkey.

Who is the most famous donkey?

Donkey Hotay

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What happens when you put Donald Trump and a female sex crazed donkey in the same room?

Nothing. Even donkeys have standards.

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We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

Donkey Lives Matter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

A man asked his wife: how many teeth does a donkey have?

The wife's response: I don't know honey, look in the mirror, open your mouth, and count them.

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

What did the donkey say when his owner kept poking him?

Stop fingering your ass!

Did you hear about the donkey that neglected its kids to go work out every day?

Such a jacked ass

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every hole of a donkey is an asshole

that is all

Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”

\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

A man baught a donkey from a preacher

The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

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Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100

The next day the donkey died.

Farmer: Sorry to hear about the donkey.

Paddy: No problem. I’ll just have my money back.

Farmer: I’ve spent it

Paddy: Ok. I’ll raffle him off.

Farmer: You can’t raffle a dead donkey!

Paddy: Watch me! I just won’t tell anybody...

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What do you get if a donkey falls off a road?

Ass-phalt

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

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My elderly donkey got bludgeoned badly by a large horned mountain goat now I can't walk right.

In other words my old ass got rammed.

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Why don’t you ever see donkeys in school?

Because nobody likes a smart ass.

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A guy and his donkey walk into a bar

the bartender says to the man: "Get your ass out of here."

I was gonna tell you a joke I came up with about a were-donkey,

but I decided it was too half-assed

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?

Molasses.

I just shot a donkey

Deadass

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off once."

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A farmer had a donkey that will only eat part of its food.

It was very strong and fit, but whenever they were given food, they left a significant portion.

At one point, another farmer comes by and, seeing as how the donkey is big and strong, wants to buy it.

So the first farmer parts with his donkey.

The next day, the second farmer come...

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jea...

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Why do donkey trailers go faster when they're full?

Because they're hauling ass.

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

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Me: I'm afraid of corpses and donkeys

My therapist: Deadass?

Me: *screams*

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If you had a donkey

If you had a donkey.

And I had a rooster.

And if your donkey ate both my roosters feet, what would you have?

Two feet of cock in your ass.

My favourite joke, I have never seen it here so I thought I would share.
P.S. my first post so please be kind.

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind? <...

I told my friend that I shot a donkey.

“You’re lying.” he said.

I replied, “No, deadass!”

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

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NSFW I once had sex with my girlfriend in a huge donkey taxidermy

She got fucked in the ass

Donkey joke

Bob’s having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts ‘hey here’s donkey’ and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks ‘hey mate why does he call you donkey’. Guy replies ‘I don’t know .....he haw, he haw, he ...

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