UPJOKE
microphonemicmichaelbugbobjimjoekevinryanpatdavejeffandersonhungryrick

Mike Jokes

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Where is Mike?

On a Monday morning, Paul, Mike's job's teammate, noticed Mike was not around and asked the project manager

'Where is Mike'

Upon which the manager replied

'He is in the hospital'

Paul having just seen Mike yesterday asked in confusion

'But I saw Mike yesterday danc...

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”

“Since yesterday.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime

What's the difference between Mike Myers and Michael Myers?

Michael Myers starred in a successful movie in the last decade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Mike Tyson is SO religious

That he punches people in the faith.

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad...

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

Two paramedics, Bob and Mike, are arguing about what to do with a patient

Only one hospital in the area is properly equipped to deal with his condition, but the ambulance's gurney straps aren't working. After several attempts at fixing them, Bob suggests taking the patient to a nearer hospital, driving extra carefully, while Mike keeps the patient secure.

"That's ...

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism

At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

Boss: Why has Mike not come to work today?

Colleague: He is in the hospital

Boss: But i saw him last night dancing with a girl.

Colleague: Yes. His wife saw him too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave and Mike are golfing

While the men are playing, a funeral procession begins to pass.
Dave continues to play while Mike stop and removes his cap.
“What is wrong with you, don’t you have any respect?” says Dave to Mike.
Mike then says, “We’ll I suppose I should probably show a little, I was married to her for 35 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and Mike, both of whom had harelips, hadn't seen each other for 10 years since high school. They happen to run into each other on the street, but John no longer has a harelip.

Mike cries "Yohn! Iss peen so yong thinth I theen you! Put tell me whad' happen wiss your harelip?" John says, "It's amazing isn't it? I don't know why it happened, but one night my wife gave me oral sex, and when I woke up the next day it was all healed. Promise me you'll try the same thing and see...

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike got pulled over

Mike gets pulled over at about 11pm on his way home from dinner at his mother, the police office comes over and Mike rolls down the window

PO: do you know why I pulled you over?

Mike: no officer, why did you pull me over?

PO: I think you're drunk!

Mike: I assure you offic...

Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" 

...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in a forestry camp with my buddy Mike

My buddy Mike and I were working in a forestry camp, clearing brush, planting trees, trimming branches, and a hundred other chores.


The foreman, Silan, made us work hard. It seems like we rarely got a break. We would catch our breath, and then it’d be back to work. It was hard work, bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bad comedian and Mike Tyson getting kicked out of an orgy?

One fucks up the punchline, the other punches up the fuck-line

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

Big Mike and the Saloon

In the Old West, there's this saloon. It's decently-sized and fairly crowded. But one day, the sheriff comes in and yells, "Y'all better git! Big Mike is comin'!"

The folk in the saloon figure this Big Mike guy is bad news, so the whole place clears out. The bartender is about to close up sho...

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

John, Jerry and Mike on an island

John, Jerry and Mike have been stranded for months on a beautiful island. One day a bottle with a note in it spills out.

They open it and it reads: "I am a wish granting bottle. Each of you gets one wish."

John immediately said: "I wish I was on my farm right now." Poof, and John is ...

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"

Magic Mike and his buddies get called for jury duty

Case was declared a mistrial on account of a hung jury

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

Mike Tyson became a doctor.

I asked to book an appointment.
He said he could punch me in.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer?

He said he wanted to be a little thinner.

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son Mike

My son Mike, got into some trouble today. I ask him "So what happened in class today? Your teacher said you wrote something crazy on your test".

Mike says, "teacher calls me up to the front and asks me about the silly name I put. She asks me what it says and I tell her it says "MIKE COCKURNS"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike stopped by the bar and ran into his friend Jack.



"I've been taking evening classes at the university," Mike told Jack, "and I'm learning so much." "Who is Hobbes? Who is Mill? Who is Bentham?," Mike asked Jack.

Jack replied, "I gotta admit I don't know any of them." "But do you know who Richardson is?" Jack asked Mike. Despite ...

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

Why were children passing out at Mike Tyson's egg hunt?

Because he hired an Ether Bunny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

If your name is Mike please let me know below

*edit, this concludes the Mike check.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car...

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S

Mike Tyson is a great listener

After all, he has 3 ears

Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike went to brothel with 5$ to ask for a woman

But matrone sent his home. "You will need more money that that, honey."

So Mike returns next day with 15 $. Matrone sights and send his to room 9. There is a goat standing next to a bed. But Mike didn't want to give his money away for nothing, so he went with it.

He show up again afte...

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: “We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we’d have less cases.”

Pence: “Fewer.”

Trump: “Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.”

A man goes to a movie theater

Just as the movie starts, a guy with a shaved head sits right in front of him and the theater lights reflect off the bald man's head. The man behind can't watch the movie at all. He thinks to himself, "I should smack him on the back of his head," but then hesitates, thinking, "That guy is huge... he...

I've only seen ‪Magic Mike‬, can I see ‪Magic Mike XXL...

...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

Ollie saw his mother naked one day

Ollie saw his mother naked one day and discovered that she didn’t have the same toolset down there that he did.

He asked his father about it and perhaps not being the best of fathers, his father answered: No she doesn’t have a pee-pee but sometimes I give her mine and she really likes it. ...

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

Have you seen Mike Ol'Kenya?

Mike Ol'Kenya mouth

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new show with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman?

It’s called Myth Understanding.

What did Mike Tyson say to the Mind Flayers who tried to recruit him on their ship?

I won’t be a part of your illithid activities.

Why did Mike Tyson's wife divorce him after his trip to Belgium?

Because he told her he had a great time in Brothels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this f...

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

Mike Bloomberg should quit the race now

Mic drop...

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Hellen Keller with a Tommy gun?

Mike Tyson, Hellen Keller never heard the bell

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

Mike Pence has postponed a scheduled campaign stop in Indiana

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.

Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?

Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.

Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?

Mike: What school?

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

The debate really changed my view on Mike Pence...

Pretty fly, for a white guy

Mike Tyson does one squat

Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc.

Mike Wazowski meets a genie who gives him one wish

Wazowski: I’d finally like another eye

Genie: done!

Wazowskii: nothing happened

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"

Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mar...

Mike is leaving his apartment to go to a club.

As he's leaving, he sees his neighbor Frank. The two are about the same age, but barely know each other. In fact, Mike doesn't even like looking at Frank because he's ugly as sin, not to mention he always smells like a wet dog. And so he waits a few minutes before leaving so he doesn't have to inter...

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

Why does Mike Wazowski win every race?

Because he’s always a-head.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.