Assistant Jokes - 108 Hilarious Assistant Jokes

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

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A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

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A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

I dated a dental assistant once

She had the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.

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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"?

She replied "Ammonia cleaner"

I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here"

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Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

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What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show?

Abra cadaver!

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A doctor is going around doing house calls with his new postdoc assistant.

Before entering the first house, he tells him: "I'm sure you think you learned everything you needed to know about the job, but you'll have to learn how to observe the patients and their habits if you want to diagnose them properly."

They go to the first patient, a bed-ridden woman. The docto...

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I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are?

and he replied, “Aisle B, back."

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

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Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with ...

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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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One summer, I worked as an assistant to an one-armed typist.

It was shift work.

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A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regio...

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

What do you call Santa's assistant?

The subordinate Clause.

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How "Clippy" the Microsoft assistant came to be

It started when 3 Microsoft developers had the idea for an assistant. The proof-of-concept was initially a "stick man". They showed it to Bill Gates and he said he liked it, just change this, change this, and this too...

By the time Bill Gates was done with it, the stick man had its head so ...

A chemist walks into the store he owns...

and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."

"WHAT?" bellows ...

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Obgyn Assistant

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the hell up north!)...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

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A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

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Two businessmen meet up and start discussing their assistants.

Two businessmen meet up and start discussing their assistants.

Businessman 1: You know, my assistant is an idiot.

Businessman 2: Oh, you think that's bad? My assistant is the worst! I haven't seen anyone more stupid than him.

Businessman 1: Let's bet on it. Bring your assistant ...

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Mother Theresa's assistant is incredible

Truly second to nun.

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Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

I once asked my phone assistant for a joke.

All it did was turn on the selfie camera. What is that supposed to mean?

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

If you’re the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You’re a coconut.

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The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

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What did the magician say after actually cutting his assistant in half?

Abra-cadaver

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This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

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When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

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What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

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a vet asked his blonde assistant to go check the mail and she says

" what about the female ? Shouldn't I check it too?"

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Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

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A customer asked the service assistant in a bookshop 'Do you keep stationery here?'

'No, I go for walks' replied the assistant

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A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.

He goes: “No nurse, I said BUTT-Light”

The boss!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains,...

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A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson went camping

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson went camping

They pitched up their tent in and went to sleep then sometime during the middle of the night Sherlock awoke and pointed at the sky and asked Watson “What do you see?”

Watson then replied “I see millions and millions of stars”
...

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A coroner's ass.

A coroner's assistant was going over thier very first body and noticed that there was a rather large cork in the anus. So that assistant gave a tug and the cork popped out. To the assistant's suprise, they started hearing something..."On the road again, i just can't wait to be....." Astounded, the a...

Conversation between a doctor and his assistant

Assistant: Doc, there is a patient out here saying he is turning invisible.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

Assistant: He also said he's shrinking.

Doctor: Well, he is going to be a little patient!

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"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.

And he runs out of the operating room.

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Philip was a junior office assistant at a large company.

Keen to make a good impression on his boss, he often stayed up late working. One evening, he was just about to head home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder holding a document.

"Ah, Philip, I'm glad to see you're still here working hard at this time. Now, I was wondering i...

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A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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What job did Al Capone's assistant with OCD do?

Organized crime

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What did Frankenstein say to his assistant?

“Hey, can you give me a hand?”

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What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant?

If you need me I'll be in my lab

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A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The ass...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

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A man went into a hardware store and asked for some nails 'How long do you want them?' Asked the store assistant

'I was planning on keeping them' replied the man

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A British doctor catches his assistant stealing urine samples

and says, “Are you taking the piss??”

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

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I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

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A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

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A store owner was teaching his new assistant how to be better at selling

"ok watch now, there's a lady coming"
Lady approaches

"Hello, I need something for cleaning the curtains"

"Ok here you go. If I may ask have you thought about getting something for cleaning windows as well. Clean curtains, clean windows, you happy"

"Well sure then" said the l...

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Where's your assistant?

A man walks in to his local butchers and asks, "What happened to your assistant? He was a lovely, young boy"

"Oh, I had to fire him" replied the butcher, "He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Really?! What happened to the bacon slicer?"

"Oh... I fired her too."

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

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A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

The shop assistant asked if I wanna box for my groceries.

Told her I hate violence, and asked if I could just pay be card instead.

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Google Assistant gave me that one

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

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A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

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What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?

Dysalexia

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A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. "Thank you" said the assistant "come again"

"No" said the blonde "it's toothpaste this time"

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My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant...

I guess she's showing her the ropes.

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"I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant"

Job includes; removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When i asked at the job centre, they said i had to go to Cornwall. I said, "why is that where the job is?" No they said, "thats where the fucking back of the queue is!!"

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

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An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

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I don’t know what the shop assistant laced my new shoes with....

But I’ve been tripping all day

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How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?

He misses her!

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A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

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My father used to be Princess Margaret's assistant

He eventually quit when he realized it was a dead end job. Work as hard as he could, no one was going to actually promote him to being Princess Margaret.

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A dude walks into his assistant's office

He really likes the woman and has been wanting to sleep with her for ages, but the assistant has a boyfriend. One day though, he walks into her office and says:

'I'll give you $500 if you sleep with me!'

'Heck, no. Besides, I have a boyfriend!'

'But I'll be really quick! I'll ju...

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What is another name for a dental assistant?

A flossitute.

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What did the scientist say to his hot assistant?

"There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

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So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

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The Rabbi’s Final Lesson

One afternoon, a synagogue’s Senior Rabbi invited the Assistant Rabbi in for a chat.

“Nu? As you know, 53 years I’ve led this Holy Congregation. Next week, I’ll retiring. Before I move to Florida and you never hear from me again, do you have any last questions? Are there any great words of ...

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I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

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"There's some kitchen counters over there," said the assistant.

I looked over and saw one of them talking to himself.

"1 kitchen, 2 kitchens, 3 kitchens..."

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A CEO and his assistant go to a hotel.

A CEO and his attractive blonde assistant arrived at the hotel for the night. The clerk informs them that they overbooked and only have one room left, after a long debate, the CEO says "You know what I am a problem solver, we will just stay in the same room and figure it out".

Once they get ...

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A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a luxury automobile. She had a midwife crisis.

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The assistant pastor and Tootie Greene.

Recently, a new assistant pastor was hired for the local church. The head pastor told him on his first week to go down to the homeless shelter and work with the less fortunate. So the assistant pastor went down to the shelter with soup and bread. After feeding the people he gave a sermon. Most of th...

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A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

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Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss.

Phone rings. It's the boss.
Boss: What are you doing right now?
Assistant: Missing you.

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I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

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Doctor to his assistant Doc: Put a sign outside my clinic that reads Doctor Smith Therapist

A whole day has gone by without a patient entering

Doctor: Did you put the sign outside like i told you ?

Assistant: Yes,but is Therapist 2 words?

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

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In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

[NO SPOILERS] What do you call Doctor Strange’s assistant in an elevator?

Wong on so many levels.

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As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

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How many hot young nursing home assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?

"For the last time, Mr. Anderson, you are NOT a lightbulb!"

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I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective

It refuses to open the pod bay doors.

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A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

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Why did the acupuncturist have so many assistants?

They needle the help they can get!

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A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

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