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A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

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A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."


(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

How many hot young nursing home assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?

"For the last time, Mr. Anderson, you are NOT a lightbulb!"

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

Philip was a junior office assistant at a large company.

Keen to make a good impression on his boss, he often stayed up late working. One evening, he was just about to head home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder holding a document.

"Ah, Philip, I'm glad to see you're still here working hard at this time. Now, I was wondering i...

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

“Are these knickers satin?"
"No” she said, “They’re brand new...”

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

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A store owner was teaching his new assistant how to be better at selling

"ok watch now, there's a lady coming"
Lady approaches

"Hello, I need something for cleaning the curtains"

"Ok here you go. If I may ask have you thought about getting something for cleaning windows as well. Clean curtains, clean windows, you happy"

"Well sure then" said the l...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

Went to the hardware store today. I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the assistant if it was any good for ants....

"Nope" said the man, "it will kill them."

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the pharmacist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... hes too afraid to cough...

So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

What job did Al Capone's assistant with OCD do?

Organized crime

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

A chemist walk into his shop

To find a man leaning against a wall. ‘What’s up with him he asks his assistant’. ‘He came in for a bottle of cough syrup, but we didn’t have any’ the assistant explains..’so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead!’ ‘WHAT?’ Says the chemist, Horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’ ‘Of...

The shop assistant asked if I wanna box for my groceries.

Told her I hate violence, and asked if I could just pay be card instead.

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

A local general store was held up today, the attacker was overpowered by the brave assistant who hit the guy with her labelling gun...

Police are looking for the would- be robber and say there is now a price on the mans head..

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

Who is the president of china?

An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"

His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China."

"Who's she?"

No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tes...

Conversation between a doctor and his assistant

Assistant: Doc, there is a patient out here saying he is turning invisible.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

Assistant: He also said he's shrinking.

Doctor: Well, he is going to be a little patient!

I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were...

She replied, "Aisle B, back!"

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Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson went camping

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson went camping

They pitched up their tent in and went to sleep then sometime during the middle of the night Sherlock awoke and pointed at the sky and asked Watson “What do you see?”

Watson then replied “I see millions and millions of stars”
...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

Knock knock?

Whose there?

A little old lady

....

A little old lady who?

...

I didn't know you could yodel!

Credit does to Google voice assistant. I sheer shock had me laughing for a solid 15 seconds.

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A family heirloom

I walked into an antiques shop and said "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested"

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.

"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.

"I know" I replied. "It's been in my family for years"

I finally got a job as a horse breeder's assistant.

It doesn't pay much, but it's a stable job.

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I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

I went to the Chemist today.

I asked the assistant 'What gets rid of coronavirus?'

She replied 'Ammonia Cleaner.'

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here.'

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store

In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.

Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"

"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.

First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cag...

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

What do you call a virtual assistant that can't spell?

Dislexa

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. "Thank you" said the assistant "come again"

"No" said the blonde "it's toothpaste this time"

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Hacker: I’m in!

Superhero: stay away from my assistant and do your job you useless fuck

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A man went into a Birmingham supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.

The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

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One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.

She’s a really big help.

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor ae his assistant?

He had a hunch about him

I don’t know what the shop assistant laced my new shoes with....

But I’ve been tripping all day

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Doctor to his assistant Doc: Put a sign outside my clinic that reads Doctor Smith Therapist

A whole day has gone by without a patient entering


Doctor: Did you put the sign outside like i told you ?

Assistant: Yes,but is Therapist 2 words?

How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?

He misses her!

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Why did the acupuncturist have so many assistants?

They needle the help they can get!

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

What did Frankenstein say to his assistant?

“Hey, can you give me a hand?”

What type of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad

Credits to my Google Assistant

When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Why did the baker fire his assistant?

Because he was too kneady.

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In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a luxury automobile. She had a midwife crisis.

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A strange encounter

A man walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he's paid for them, he started laughing and walks out. The next day, there's the same performance, with the man walking out pissing himself. Thinking this is odd the chemist asks his assistant to follow the man if he returns.
...

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective

It refuses to open the pod bay doors.

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

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