Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Why Don't Witches Wear Underwear?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,

and I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

My girlfriend just told me I don’t have to wear condoms anymore!!

Because she met someone new

Why shouldn't you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fallout

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

Do you know why Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a man

Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

A man asked a mermaid "Why do you wear seashells ?"

The mermaid replied "I grew out of my B-shells"

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

Why do cows wear bells?

Cause their horns don’t work.

What do you call a wheel that you wear?

A tire

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

My Dad shows me a 30 min PowerPoint on why I should wear condom

my photos were on every slide

Why does Waldo wear stripes

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

And the award for the best neck wear of the year goes to…

It’s a tie!

Nsfw . Why don’t witches wear panties?

To grip the broom better. Todd Packer The Office.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Why do Java Programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

What do you call a cow who wears a burqha?

A Moo-slim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do redditors wear goggles during sex?

To keep the mace out of their eyes.

On a first date, wear a bad outfit so the other person can see your great personality...

...if you have a horrible personality, wear Chanel.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?


I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

Why did the karate student wear brown shoes to the dojo?

He didn't have a black belt

I don't wear a tie at work, but when I was on vacation...

...in Bangkok, I had one sit on my face.

I walked into the sperm bank wearing a Tuxedo and the receptionist looked over at the nurse and said..

Get a load of this guy!

This is a joke about the t-shirt you’re wearing.

Probably went right over your head, didn’t it?

All the Asians who’ve been wearing face masks are laughing now

I assume

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

What do you call a salmon wearing a suit and tie?


Why does Tinkerbell never wear trousers?

She Peter Pans.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

What kind of shoes do bananas wear?


I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......


A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

Two guys are in the locker room changing, and one guy puts on a pair of panties. "jeezus, when did you start wearing womens panties?" the 1st guy asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment!"

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

What kind of pants do the Mario Bros. wear?

Denim denim denim

"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks…

You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f\*cking cross?"

I've decided not to wear my glasses anymore.

I've seen enough.

What do fish wear on their fins?


What cup size bra do striped horses wear?

A size Z-Bra!

Why doesn’t a chicken wear underwear?

Because his pecker is on his face.

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head...

cuz it is capsized...

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

As someone who wears glasses, I am excited for the next decade

It's the first time I will be able to see 2020

What does a house wear to a party??


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation meeting...

So I just came in my pants

Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?

... it’s a little gnome fact

A man wearing only saran wrap walks into a psychologist's office...

...and tells the psychologist he needs help. The psychologist, shocked, answered, "Sir, I agree. Even from here I can clearly see your nuts."

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[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..


Husband: I'll have the soup

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

What do you call a Karen wearing hunting camouflage?

Bossy Oak.

What does a Lawyer wear?


Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

What do Brits wear?


A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A little girl attending a wedding asked her mother why the bride wears white

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life", says the mother.

"Oh", says the girl. "Is the groom *that* unhappy about the whole thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

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I wear a mask and run around punching women in their breasts.

It’s my secret I dent titties.

Who wears the pants in the family

A couple on the first night of their honeymoon are getting ready for bed when suddenly, the husband tosses his slacks to his wife and says "put these on". To which the wife replies, "I can't wear these, they don't fit". "And the sooner you realize who wears the pants in this family, the better our m...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

What kind of jewelry does a person with tinnitus wear?


Remember to wear your “New Year Glasses” backwards this year.

Hindsight is 2020.

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Why was the bird wearing a wig?

Because it was a bald eagle!

Wife: do you know why our son won’t wear the red shirt I laid out for him?

**Me:** nope.

[flashback to watching Star Trek]

**Me:** so the guy in the red shirt *always* dies.

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mom, I want to have trousers, wear my hair short, and play with the other boys."

"No, dear, little girls don't do that."

"But mom, I have a penis."

"The doctor says we can change that if it becomes a problem."

What do goths wear to funerals?

Business casual

Why do dentists wear a mask?

Because otherwise you could see them smiling.

What does a baby pirate wear?

A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

What size bra did Euclid's wife wear?

A because he only worked with flat surfaces

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers

In case he got a hole in one

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first n...

A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?”

Mother: why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I’m going to that costume party

Mother: isn’t that next year?

Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...

What do you call a snake that wears panties?

A pythong

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants.

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

Wife: Is that what you're wearing?

Me: I guess not

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.

P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of a Duck not wearing pants?

You can see their butt quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."


I saw a girl wearing a GUESS t-shirt today...

Turns out "DD?" is not the correct response.

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

Idaho, Alaska!

If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear?

An iPatch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A COUNTRY boy was sitting by himself in the corner of a pub when a middle-aged woman wearing heaps of make-up sat next to him.

“You’re cute,” purred the woman.

“Do you want to go back to my place for a nasty fuck?”

“You bet!” exclaimed the lad.

“But I have to tell you straight up that I’m a virgin.I’ve always been scared of having sex because my mum told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs...

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