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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To have a better grip on the broom.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Wear camouflage condoms

Never let em see you coming

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their head.

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

Why does Batman just wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin just wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?

Rebokbokboks

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

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Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phloppe

What does a house wear?

Address

Why do Americans wear sleeveless t-shirts?

Because they have the right to bare arms

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Why do sheep herders wear pants with button flys?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why do you always have to wear a seatbelt in an autonomous car?

In case the computer crashes.

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[NSFW] So my wife thinks it's sexy to greet me home wearing just my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now need a 'talk' with a psychologist....

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she’s too big for B shells

I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks

It's to help him do his business.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

A big nose isn't an excuse for not wearing a mask

I wear pants you know...

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

I stand against women who don't wear bras

As much as I was behind those who wore leggings.

What do you call a platypus wearing a tuxedo that takes out a loan to buy stock in a mortgage company?

Interesting

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The teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence.

The first kid says" We all have to wear masks because coronavirus is **contagious** ". Teacher says well done. Second kid says "I couldn't play with my friends all summer because I had chickenpox, which is **contagious". Teacher says well done again. Little Billy gets up and says" We've got a man ...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

Why do men get flustered when women wear leather?

They smell like a new truck.

When I was a kid, for Christmas I asked for something to wear and something to play with ..

So my father gave me a pair of sweatpants and cut the pockets out.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.

Why do the golfer wear 2 pants.

Just in case there is a hole in one.

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

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I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

I tried so hard to learn how to wear a turban.

But I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What do you say to a man who is wearing nothing but Saran Wrap?

Clearly, I can see you’re nuts.

Why should you always wear a belt in Ukraine?

Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.

What kind of shirt does a Panzer IV wear?

A tank top.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

The sheep in the field learned to run when they heard a zipper...

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Saw a couple of guys wearing matching clothes and asked if they were gay..

..they arrested me.

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

What do you call a Jewish person that doesn't wear underwear?

An Israeli commando!

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

A man wearing a mirrored suit....

A man wearing a mirrored suit started a fight downtown.
The police stopped the fight and told the man to reflect on his actions

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

What does a nun wear to a casino?

A gambling habit

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”

Why do Python developers wear glasses?

Because they can't "C".

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

Why did Waldo always wear stripes?

He hated being spotted.

Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

Why did the cow wear a bell around its neck?

Because her horns didn't work.

When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body

Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

Why don't chicken wear underwear?

Cuz their peckers on their face

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

Say this aloud: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!

I only date girls who wear flavoured lipsticks.

I've got good tastin' women!

Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat?

It's cap-sized

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Why do stormtroopers always wear masks?

Because they keep missing their shots. #covid

Wearing two masks can keep yourself and others even safer from covid than just one, but...

tying a plastic bag over your head can keep you safe from covid for the rest of your life.

She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess

So I asked her ... Implants?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

I once went for a walk wearing nothing but a beanie.

I was arrested at the drop of a hat.

What are a beat boxer's favorite things to wear?

Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants

My friend was wearing 3 watches.

I guess he had a lot of time on his hand

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear 😂

What do you call someone who doesn't wear a mask?

You don't call them. You stay 6 damn feet away from them.

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Why don't nuns wear bras?

Because God supports everything

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it.

They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection.

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

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A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar. “Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.”

She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

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'Take off my shirt' she said.

'Take off my shirt' she said, so I took it off.

'Take off my skirt' she said, so I took it off.

she said 'Take off my shoes', so I did.

'Now take off my bra and panty', so I did.

Then she looked at me and said 'I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again asshol...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

A cop pulls over a married couple on the highway.

Officer says to the husband, who was driving, "I'm pulling you over because I clocked you doing 65 in a 50."

"That's impossible officer, I had cruise control set to 55."

The wife chimes in "Ted, you know the cruise control doesn't work."

"Shut up woman!" shouts the husband.
<...

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

What do you call an alligator who wears a vest?

An investigator.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

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When I lost my virginity, I didn't wear a condom.

I wore a wristwatch. Because it was about fucking time.

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