Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

Why don't witches wear underwears ?

To get better grip on the broom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of socks?

Just in case they get a hole in one!

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

What does a house wear?

Address

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

The B shells were too small.

Having a big nose isn’t a good enough excuse to not wear a mask.

Take me for example. I still wear underwear.

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!

What did the car wear to the ball?

The proper attire.

Why do Americans love to wear T-shirts?

Because they have the constitutional right to bare arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.

The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Wearing a seat belt

Men: /

Women: %

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

What did the man with two left feet wear?

Flip flips.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

Why is leather the best armor to wear if you're trying to be stealthy?

Because it's made of hide

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

Behind every man who says that he wears the pants of the family...

is a wife who told him which pants to wear!

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Whats shoes do dogs like to wear?

Dog martins!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so tired of women making we wear a mask during sex

And now with this pandemic I have to keep it on after, too

In these strange times, the doctors forced me to wear glasses while I was giving birth to my son.

They insisted on contactless delivery.

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska.

Have you been forced to wear a mask? Do you wear glasses?

You could be due condensation!

I was at the store when I overheard a woman ask another woman “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The woman replied “Yes I am. I married the wrong man.”

What are the skimpy bathing suits that people wear at the zoo?

Zucchinis

People who don't wear a mask

Make me sick .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

Why does Batman only wear dark colours? Easy. Because Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colours?

Easy.

Because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

Why do terrorists wear sunglasses?

They don’t want de_dust2 get in their eyes

A frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulde wearing a tuxedo

"Well isn't he beautiful" Says the bartender. "Where did you get him?"

"In France, there are tons of them." the parrot replies.

My wife keeps asking me how her clothes look. Today she asked me if she should wear a mask.

As usual I said, "Yeah, it makes you look better." Apparently, this time it wasn't the correct answer.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

Wear a mask before seeing posts that are trending

Because they are viral

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear?

Stalac-tights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me

So on paper I'm a millionaire.

I saw a guy wearing glasses indoors.

He looked a little shady.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

How dare the Government infringe on my freedoms by forcing me to wear a bit of cloth covering a part of my body...

Nudists unite!

I was wearing my most kawaii outfit the other day and this guy, who was no where near as kawaii as me, started saying how I should dress up in kawaii stuff. I was like, mate. I'm more kawaii than you...

You're preaching to the kawaii-er.

Why do cows wear cowbells?

Because their horns don’t work.

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

I know there's a lot of people who don't want to wear masks, but you know what I don't get?

Coronavirus.

“Thou shalt wear a mask”

Hygenesis 20:20

Having to wear a mask at school removes all the fun.

You never know who you're shooting.

What kind of overalls does Super Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

Steve Irwin died because he wasn't wearing sunscreen.

If he had, it would've protected him from harmful rays.

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

I no longer need to wear a mask

Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

What clothes shouldn’t you wear inside?

Clothes that are worn out.

Has COVID-19 caused you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

Sam and Bessie have been married for 50 years and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me now?"
...

What brand of glasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Okaleys

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Why did the cow wear a neckerchief to the MMA fight?

It was mooey tie night.

I can't wait to see the dim bulbs who are upset they have to wear a mask to prevent corona when...

...they find out what they have to wear to prevent the clap.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

I completely support people's choice to not wear masks and gather in large groups during a pandemic.

So would Darwin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Wear a mask and save people's lives!

If they recognize you, you'll have to kill them.

What does a frog wear on it’s feet?

Open toad shoes

What do you call a Hobbit who wears his pants down low?

Bilbo Saggins.

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

How does Cthulhu wear a tie?

With an Eldritch knot.

Yul Brynner was a lifelong liverpool fan who didn't wear aftershave

Yul never wore cologne

What do you call a potato that wears glasses?

A spectator

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

What does a surfer wear during a formal party?

A wetsuit

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

What do you call someone who wears a condom on his toes?

Roberto

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

People not wanting to wearing masks is natural.

Natural selection.

I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last reshorts.

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

What does a mythical horse wear?

A uniform

Kanye West invited me to his presidential rally, I told him I'd only go if I could wear X-Ray goggles, he asked me why?

I said to him, "I already know you're crazy, but now I can see your nuts too!"

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar.

“Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

Do you find it uncomfortable wearing a mask?

Well guess what, coffin would be worse

Which cow needs to wear a bell?

The one whose horns don't work.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Their pecker is on thier head

Southern States Have Declared A Shift In Strategy to Encourage Their Residents To Wear Masks

KKK members are now permitted to wear their masks in public places

A friend collects watches and sometimes will wear a many as 6 watches on each arm.

He has way too much time on his hands.

Ellie was excited to get on the swing until John told her that her underwear will show if she gets on it wearing that skirt

Ellie abruptly went to the bathroom and John got on the swing first thinking Ellie would come back wearing pants.

Ellie soon got on the swing next to John and she started having fun.

Not long after, people suddenly started gathering around the swing, looking and pointing at Ellie. ...

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

John didn't wear the mask

**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**



\- John, put on your mask!

*- No! It's harmful.*

\- John put it on, what are you doing?

*- I ignore the masks*

\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party l...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

Why don't nuns wear bras?

Because god supports everything

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Wearing a mask below your nose...

is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope. :)

People need to calm down about Walmart making wearing a mask mandatory.

You can still wear your pajamas.

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