How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

Just saw a guy wearing a shirt that says “Truth + God = Life”...

Thank god I’m good at math, Truth = Life - God

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my Support group meeting for Premature Ejaculation.

So, I just came in my pants.

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”

Why do Python developers wear glasses?

Because they can't "C".

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

Why did Waldo always wear stripes?

He hated being spotted.

What does a house wear?

Address!

:D

What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?

White Vans.

Why don't chicken wear underwear?

Cuz their peckers on their face

Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts?

Because they have a right to bare arms!

When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body

Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

Say this aloud: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of b shells

Did you know when you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat?

It's cap-sized

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

What are a beat boxer's favorite things to wear?

Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

She was wearing a t-shirt that said Guess

So I asked her ... Implants?

Why does a witch not wear panties?

Because she needs to grip the broom.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear 😂

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Why do stormtroopers always wear masks?

Because they keep missing their shots. #covid

My friend was wearing 3 watches.

I guess he had a lot of time on his hand

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses?

She had bright students!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it.

They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection.

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.”

She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

What do you call someone who doesn't wear a mask?

You don't call them. You stay 6 damn feet away from them.

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if itbhad something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.

So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.

A Quickie...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her...

Why don't nuns wear bras?

Because God supports everything

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work.

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Look at that small starched frill that guy is wearing around his neck" my friend said "pretty fucking ugly if you ask me"

To which I replied "Dude, that's a little ruff don't you think"

What do you call an alligator who wears a vest?

An investigator.

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

What do you call a martini wearing a mask?

A Quarentini

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure.

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

How many habits does a priest wear?

Nun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of cologne does Elon Musk wear?

SprayseX

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I lost my virginity, I didn't wear a condom.

I wore a wristwatch. Because it was about fucking time.

What do men wear in a Texas synagogue?

A Y'allmulke

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti fur activist got into an elevator and there was a woman wearing a mink coat.

The woman says "Do you know how many animals died for you to get that coat?" The other woman says "Do yo know how many animals I fucked to get this coat?"

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two men walking down the street together wearing the same clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They did not hesitate to arrest me after I said that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you can read her lips

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

What do princes wear on their feet?

Heir Jordans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants

The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

What do you call a hooved ruminant wearing glasses?

A bad-eyed deer.

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

What type of shoes do bananas wear?

Slippers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

Why don’t football players wear glasses?

It’s a contact sport.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

Coworker: Why do bad guys always wear suspenders?

Me: So they don't get caught with their pants down.

(This happened a couple days ago, I was pretty proud. He legitimately was just asking the question)

Why do you have to wear a safety hard hat in a Chinese restaurant's kitchen ?

Because of the flying pans.

Ms Sarah never wears a brassiere.

She's very happy about it though, there's always a bounce in her step.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?

Cause they'll get chapped lips

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

The hanging

A cowboy rides into town one day and drops into the saloon for a drink. He looks around the bar and says to the bartender “This place is empty today, where is everybody?”.

The barman tells the cowboy “Everyone’s at the hanging’”.

“A hanging” huh?” says the cowboy. “Who they hanging?”<...

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In love and memory of all the faces burried there

Do you know why you should be wearing white on a funeral?

\#ffffff

What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?

Attire.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

A Karen Refuses To Wear a Mask

Because she says it's MANdated not WOMANdated

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear ...

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

What's the best thing to wear to court?

A lawsuit.

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

What did the trendy terrorist wear to the fashion exhibition?

A bomber jacket

What do people like to wear in England?

Tea-shirts

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