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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears yellow...

I praise the Sun.

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits…

Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?

Because he was Lacoste intolerant.

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I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:

They told me I could just come in my pants

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

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Final question on who wants to be a millionaire. Host: When your wife goes to sleep, what does she wear? 1. Under garments. 2. Pyjama suit. 3. She sleeps naked. 4. Something sexy.

Contestant: I would like to phone a friend.

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Does Gordon Ramsey wear a condom?

No. He prefers FUCKING RAW!

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick.

What are you doing when you wear a phydsicist's headphones?

Putting Higg's Bose on.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces buried there.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Why do Americans always wear Tank Tops?

Cause of thier right to Bare Arms

Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch.

He decides what time it is.

What do you call a deer wearing glasses?

Bad eye deer.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

What shoes does a British apartment wear?

Flats!

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts”

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My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."

I’m not wearing underwear.

It’s a brief announcement.

Batman wears dark colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

Robin wears light colour clothes at night so that Batman doesn't get shot.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Why didn't the anti-vaxxer wear a seatbelt?

Because they didn't want to live in fear of car accidents.

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Having a big nose is not an excuse for not wearing a mask.

I still have to wear underwear.

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

Wear camouflage condoms

Never let em see you coming

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

Why can't a man waltz in a closet while wearing a tight Speedo?

Because there's no *ballroom*.

Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?

Because they don’t allow civilian casual tees!

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phloppe

Why does Batman only wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?

Rebokbokboks

Not sure what clothes to wear to look trendy?

Ask Tommy, Hilfiger it out

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their head.

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I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

I never wear golf socks.

They've always got a hole in one.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

What does a house wear?

Address

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

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Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks

It's to help him do his business.

All these healthcare workers are wearing their mask wrong….

Superheroes wear their mask over their eyes.

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…

It’s hard to see myself without them

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

Why do you always have to wear a seatbelt in an autonomous car?

In case the computer crashes.

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Why do sheep herders wear pants with button flys?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

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A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

I hate people wearing two watches….

..but on the other hand, Rolex is something I would not mind.

I stand against women who don't wear bras

As much as I was behind those who wore leggings.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

When I was a kid, for Christmas I asked for something to wear and something to play with ..

So my father gave me a pair of sweatpants and cut the pockets out.

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Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

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Best Costume (nsfw)

A woman at a costume party sees a man wearing a glass jar over his pecker.

She asks him what he is dressed as.

He says, "a firefighter. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can."

Why do the golfer wear 2 pants.

Just in case there is a hole in one.

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

Why do men get flustered when women wear leather?

They smell like a new truck.

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.

Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?

Because it's made from hide!

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What do you call a platypus wearing a tuxedo that takes out a loan to buy stock in a mortgage company?

Interesting

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

The sheep in the field learned to run when they heard a zipper...

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

I tried so hard to learn how to wear a turban.

But I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

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Saw a couple of guys wearing matching clothes and asked if they were gay..

..they arrested me.

What kind of shirt does a Panzer IV wear?

A tank top.

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Why should you always wear a belt in Ukraine?

Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

What do you call a Jewish person that doesn't wear underwear?

An Israeli commando!

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Chuck Norris and Superman once had an arm wrestling contest

Loser has to wear his underwear above his pants.

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch

One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”

Why did Waldo always wear stripes?

He hated being spotted.

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body

Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.

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