UPJOKE
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Wear Jokes

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Why do Scotsmen wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay

She got my name wrong during sex

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

A man is shocked to find his buddy wears a bra. He asks “How long have you been wearing that?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

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I saw two guys wearing identical outfits,

and asked if they were gay.


They arrested me.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc

I understand if I get downvoted.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

What percentage of women drivers wear seatbelts?

I don't know either, but it looks like this:

%

What does a person with 2 left feet wear to the beach?

Flip-Flips

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God

Why do dancers wear loose trousers?

For the ballroom

What sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Doakleys

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

Why dont witches wear underwear

To get a better grip on there brooms

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

..I mean, why knot?”

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time?

Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

They will get chapped lips.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

Why does Santa wear red and white?

It's to represent coming during a christmas period.

A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident

Her body left her Soul.

What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?

Attire.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

What do you call a hooker wearing knee pads.

Prepared.

What Does a Flashy Mathemetician Wear?

Fibonacci sequins

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

Why do Americans always wear tank tops?

Because of their Right to Bare Arms.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

Boo jeans.

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?

Sneakers.

I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit

But that's just my two scents

What brand of sports clothing do personal organizers wear?

Under Armoire

Why don’t roosters wear underpants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand ...

Ever wonder why Ariel wears seashells?

Because she outgrew the B-shells

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

Whenever I can’t decide what to wear to a party, I always call our friend Tommy.

I know..Hilfiger something out.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.

I went to a fancy dress party wearing a chicken costume

And there was a girl there dressed up as an egg!
So I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

I was wearing my yarmulke the other day, and a man asked me, “what are you, a Jew?”

So I said, “gesundheit.”

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Because he always gets a hole in one!

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"

Why shouldn't you wear a bra that was made in Chernobyl?

Fallout

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

What does an Italian ghost wear?

A Garb of Ghoul

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

Why is it best to wear leather when sneaking around?

It's made of hide

What kind of shoes does Optimus Prime wear?

Truck Taylors

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

What did the Michelin Man wear at his wedding?

Attire

What does Royalty wear during stormy weather?

A Reign Coat.

Why do Italian’s wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving!

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

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