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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

Why does Batman only wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.

Batman doesn’t want to get shot

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

Why don’t witches wear panties?

To have a grip on broom.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

A pirate wearing a paper towel on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says “Arrr matey, I have a bounty on me head!”

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?

Attire.

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

"Did you hear? We have to wear facemasks now."

"Says WHO?"

What type of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad

Credits to my Google Assistant

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

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I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay

They did not hesitate arresting me after that

What do medieval postmen wear?

Chainmail

"I really like the outfits my mechanic wears"

"Any particular reason?"

"Nah, just an overall fan"

I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "this is a coughy filter"

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

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I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investiGATOR.

What do you call someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt?

An organ donor

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?

It's a little gnome fact.

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I thought about asking my girlfriend why she wears a bunch of wristwatches on her belt...

But I decided it was a waist of time.

Having a big nose is not an excuse for not wearing a mask.

I still wear an underwear.

What does a house wear to a party ?

Address.

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

Why was the salad wearing a cowboy outfit?

It was trying out the ranch dressing.

Why was Simba looking forward to his paracetamol wearing off?

Because he just couldn’t wait to be aching.

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

what kind of sunglasses does my friend Anny wear?

Anny wears Oakleys wears Oakleys Anny.

You should wear glasses during math.

It improves division.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

My buddy wears a watch round his forehead

You could say he is ahead of his time

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

If Miss. Issippi, gave Miss. Ouri, her new jersey, what would Dela wear?

I don't know, but AL ask.

Why did young Freud wear women's clothing?

He kept trying to get into his mom's pants.

I had to stop wearing my Linkin Park shoes

Made my feet numb

If Covid 19 has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses,

You may be entitled to condensation.

I went into a Starbucks earlier and asked the barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

They replied: "I'm not, it's a coughy filter"

I saw a guy in a wheelchair wearing a camo outfit

I thought, man you can hide but you can't run.

Why doesn’t Senator Mitch McConnell wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle?

‘Cause he is naturally triple chin strapped.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

...because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”

A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”

The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

What did the little mermaid wear to school?

An algae bra.

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

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My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

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Why do prostitutes wear a cross necklace?

It is because they do a lot of kneeling.




No offense to Christians ofc.

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

All the people who still need to debate the wearing of masks in public...

Are guilty of public mask-debation.

Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top.

Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.

What does the cowardly superhero wear on their back?

An escape.

What does The Mighty Thor wear beneath his armour?

Thunderwear

What do you call a parade where everyone wears masks?

A mask-arade

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him o...

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

People always tell me to wear a helmet while skateboarding...

I can't even remember the last time I hit my head.

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants

In case they get a hole in one

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

It doesn't matter if some people wear their masks below their noses...

Because they're mouthbreathers.

Everybody wearing masks at Walmart like it's no big deal,

but suddenly I'm the weirdo for adding tights and a cape.

everyone wears crosses and I just feel like

y'know, maybe Jesus doesn’t like crosses, all things considered

Stop telling me to wear a mask!

It's stressing me out so much that I can barely breathe and I'm getting a fever.

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing a saran wrap suit.

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

My socks wearing out early really screwed me

Well, fair is fair

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

I've decided to quit wearing my glasses for the rest of the year,

frankly I've seen enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

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In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

Why did the girl wear glass only during the maths class?

To improvise d-vision.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

Wearing a seat belt

Men: /

Women: %

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

What did the man with two left feet wear?

Flip flips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

I'm a programmer, wearing glasses

They are made to C#.

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

I love wearing my Harvard sweatshirt so everyone knows I went to Harvard.

The campus was beautiful, I wonder what it’s like to attend?

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

Why do the military wear fancy uniforms?

To minimize the amount of casual tees.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has taken mask wearing very seriously

She even makes me wear it during sex

I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

What did the car wear to the ball?

The proper attire.

What do programmers wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Why do Americans love to wear T-shirts?

Because they have the constitutional right to bare arms.

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

People who don't wear a mask

Make me sick .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

Whats shoes do dogs like to wear?

Dog martins!

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them....

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