UPJOKE
dresshaveattirefatiguefeatureenduretirebreakwearyjadebustgarbclothingapparelclothes

Wear Jokes

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

They will get chapped lips.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

What does a house wear?

A dress.

What do you call a hipster wearing headphones?

Anything you like, he can't hear you

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

What does a Pokémon wear on its feet?

Pika-Shoes!

A lawyer walked into the courtroom wearing nothing but his underwear and asked, "Can we please postpone the trial?"

The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

What kind of pants does Jesse Pinkman wear under his lab coat?

Science Britches!

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground...



He wears them to protect the ground from his feet

A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident

Her body left her Soul.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

What does Mrs Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A mistletoe.

It's 2023, and I still tell my subscribers on YouTube to wear a mask.

Because who knows? My video could go viral.

What does a cloud wear under the pants?

A Thunderwear!

why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip

I tried to wear a pheasant as a helmet

But I just couldn't seem to get my head in the game.

What shoes do you wear on ice?

Slippers.

What do you call a fish wearing a three piece suit and a top hat?

Sofishticated...

my friend asked me if I think the Ghostbusters wear crazy or zany socks.

I said I bet they wear pair a normal socks.

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

Why don't Canadian women wear sleevless dresses?

Because they aren't allowed to bare arms.

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.

I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

Why did the teacher wear shades in school?

Because her pupils were too bright!

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

I didn't know what to wear to the Sperm Bank...

So I came in my pants

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a horny deaf chick wear tight pants?

So that you could read her lips

What sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Doakleys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B-shells.

Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?

She grew out of her B shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said that he watched porn on a train not wearing any headphones.

I'll be honest though, I've never seen a train wearing any before.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

What marine animal wears a red jacket and a sequined glove on its flipper?

Thriller Whale!

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Luigi's Armani

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much that it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran wrap…

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can clearly see your nuts”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why women wear tampons when they go sky diving?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasn’t a hare on his head

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

Respect people who wear glasses

They paid money to see you.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits.

Why should you wear glasses when doing maths?

Because they help with division.

The X Men used to wear purple but then they stopped.

The days of fuchsia passed

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...

Did you hear about the turban-wearing rapper?

He was laying down some Sikh beats.

Making jokes wearing a bee costume isn't always easy

But they don't understand that sometimes you have to risk it for the bee skit.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

My wife suddenly started wearing a chastity belt for reasons unknown

I can't quite put my finger in it

On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.

"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."

"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"

He replies, "No, I ...

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.

He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says “Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.”

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

A man decided to march in the holy crusades...

Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and abo...

what do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.

"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?"

"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."

"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"

"Well, you never know. Somebody might."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?

Holy Diapers.

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

Why did the knight wear an octopus jacket?

It was his coat of arms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

I like a house that shows sign of wear and tear from previous owners.

But all the police keep saying is "That doesn't explain the blood on the walls."

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..

and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a stripper who wears suspenders?

Strapped for cash

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt?

It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."

(credit to my dad for this one)

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

What do you call a Marine wearing an Air Force uniform?

Artificial intelligence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football?

That's because it's a contact sport.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

What does a forest wear under all the plants?

Planties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

"Daddy, what's a birthday suit?"

"That's the suit I wear for your mother's birthday."

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

My wife had diarrhea while wearing fishnets.

She had runs in her stockings.

My dad wears the same trousers as his dad. His dad wears the same trousers as his dad and so on.

That's jeans for you.

I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.

That's a hard habit to break.

Why did the burglar wear Blue gloves?

He didn't want to get caught Red handed!

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

What do clouds wear beneath their clothes?

Thunder-wear!


Credit: My kid brought this home from class the other day.... I've been laughing all day...

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

14 carrot gold

What did Thor wear in the prison shower?

An Asgard

Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation.

I mean...that's the point, isn't it?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.