UPJOKE
dresshaveattirefatiguefeatureenduretirebreakwearyjadebustgarbclothingapparelclothes

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

What does a forest wear under all the plants?

Planties

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

14 carrot gold

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I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation anonymous meeting..

So I just came in my pants.

What does Jabba the Hutt wear when he eats fish?

A Bib For-Tuna

What does a house wear?

Address.

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

Why did the Little Mermaid wear Sea shells?

Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big.

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

What do you call a deaf man wearing crocs?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you.

What kind of pants does Super Mario wear

DENIM DENIM DENIM .....

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

What did Thor wear in the prison shower?

An Asgard

What do clouds wear beneath their clothes?

Thunder-wear!


Credit: My kid brought this home from class the other day.... I've been laughing all day...

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

A Man Notices his Co-Worker Wearing an Earring One Day

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
<...

TIL if you flip over a canoe, you can wear it.

It's "cap"-sized

A man walks into a bar wearing a nice shirt

The bartender tells him it's a nice shirt and asks where he got it.

"I got it from Joe Fresh," the man said. He grabbed a drink and went to sit down.

Another man comes in wearing some good looking pants. The bartender also amires those and asks where they came from.

"I got them ...

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The shrink looks at him and says "well I can clearly see you're nuts.."

What kind of shoes does a spy wear?

Sneakers

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

So my wife thinks it's kinky to answer the door wearing just my t shirt

But when i did the same wearing her dress, i now need to have a 'talk' with a psychologist.

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

Open toad.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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Why was the duck wearing pants?

To hide its butt quack…

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

As a white person, I've always wanted to wear a durag.

I would, but I wouldn't want to make waves...

Why don't frogs wear clothes?

Because they'll rip it.

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why do people wear buttplugs to work?

Because it's the only asshole that they can shut up

What type of bathing suit did Luffy want Nami to wear?

A One Piece.

My gym instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

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Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask.

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Why did the hillbilly wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

He said,

"If I'm gonna be impotent,

I gotta look impotent.

What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka

A naked man wearing a blindfold

If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat..

It's capsized.

why do scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Why does the nun always wear her uniform?

It's a good habit

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

What did the vegetable wear to the beach?

A Zu-Kini

Why do nuns wear the same thing every day?

No reason, it’s just their habit.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

emos and goths should wear more gold

its pretty metal

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

I told my wife that what she is wearing is inappropriate for gardening.

But she’s digging in her heels.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

I wear women’s deodorant but don’t tell anyone.

It’s Secret

A guy walks into a bar wearing a business suit

He goes to the bartender and asks, “Where did you guys find a suit that can fit over the entire building?”

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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A guy walks into his therapist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Therapist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Sorry if repost or seen before this one just made me giggle, saw it in a thread and wanted to share the laugh I take no credit for this.

Why does everyone in the MCU wear wrinkled shirts?

Because they lost their Iron, Man.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Susie went to the church wearing a see-through top leaving almost nothing to imagination..

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " I don't want you to come to church wearing such a dress"

Susie cried " but I have a divine right"

Priest " you have a divine left too " looking at her dress " but still you can't come dressed like that " .

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

What do judges wear

A lawsuit

What happened to the intern electrician after accidentally shocking himself bc he forgot to wear PPE?

He was grounded.

Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive

Him: it is, it's gasoline

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

I saw a couple wearing the same clothes the other day, so I went and compliment them.

They arrested me.

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

To avoid being spotted.

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

What do you call a leg wearing a hat?

A knee cap!

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

What do you call a carpenter bee wearing a cape?

A wood-bee hero!

My friend got really mad..

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that..

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

My friend can’t decide which designer brand to wear to dinner.

I’m sure Hilfiger it out.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Why does the Pope wear Crocs?

Because they're holey

What do you call an American rapper who wears an open-fronted knitted sweater?

Cardi Gan

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor

Why shouldn’t you wear a headlamp into a bar…

They’ll think you’re a miner.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?

Because he was Lacoste intolerant.

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I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:

They told me I could just come in my pants

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it

So I said "Implants?"

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

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What do you call it when the Viagra wears off?

Viagra Falls

Yesterday, I went to My Psychiatrist Office Wearing Saranwrap Pants

My psychiatrist said, "Clearly; I can see you're nuts".

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What shoes do kidnappers wear?

White Vans.

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

What do you call a cat wearing an iron armor?

(Fe)line

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Why did the child cross the road?

They didn't wear a seatbelt...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

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You may be surprised to know that I wear ladies underwear

And you may wonder why a heterosexual man would start doing such a thing.

Well, several years ago my wife was looking for something she lost in my car when she found a pair of women’s panties under the seat. She came storming into the house, panties dangling from her finger, and angrily ques...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits…

Grandma gave me a vest for Christmas and said I should wear it to school.

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces buried there.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

What do you get when the Hulk wears Captain America's clothes?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

The poker game

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit...

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

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Does Gordon Ramsey wear a condom?

No. He prefers FUCKING RAW!

A woman went to the dry cleaners to clean a dress she was going to wear to a party in the evening

She walks in and gives the lady at the desk the dress and the woman walks out

“ come again” the lady at the desk says

The woman turns her back and looks at the lady at the desk and says “ no it was just toothpaste this time”

My baseball team don't allow anyone to wear Adidas.

Three stripes and you're out.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An InvestiGATOR.

What are you doing when you wear a phydsicist's headphones?

Putting Higg's Bose on.

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