A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

Carlos: Can I be frank with you?

Me: Sure.

Frank: Thanks.

To be frank with you

I’d have to change my name

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

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My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick.

Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

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Frank goes to the Doctor

And tells him: "Doc, no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot make my wife orgasm. I've tried everything. And it's really starting to put a strain on our marriage."

The Doctor says, "Well maybe she's getting overheated, and that could cause her to not be able to climax. I suggest you put a f...

Frank is relaxing in a bar.

The bartender comes up to him and asks, "Why do you have such big coins?" for in Frank's pocket, there are some pretty big-sized coins.

"Well these are 10-inch pennies," he replies.

A woman nearby asks, "how did you get them?"

Frank then proceeds to tell the story of how he was ...

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

My name is Frank Ulman; my friends call me F.U.

I guess that makes me F.U. the first; so if I have a son, he will be F.U.2

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

Frank and the blonde.

Frank walked into his favorite bar that hasn't been shut down by Covid. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the television.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at...

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

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The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

Frank’s Donkey

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining...

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

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Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

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Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!

Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.

Anne Frank, Michael Jackson, and Helen Keller walk into a bar...

Just kidding they're all dead.

Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what they would like.

The first whale says, "WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO".

The second whale says, "Damn it, Frank, you're already drunk."

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

What did Vito Corleone's brother Frank say when rival fishermen sabotaged his gear?

"Look how they massacred my buoy!"

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

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Many people ask, “Was Anne Frank gay?”

Yeah, she was in the closet.

To be frank

I'd have to get a new ID card.

What did one hot dog say to the other?

I'll be frank with you

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni

A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years, his name still resurfaces.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

I'm getting sick of all these terrible jokes, and to be frank.....

I'd have to change my name

“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

"Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

I don't know why everyone had such a hard time finding Anne Frank.

When I went to Amsterdam, there was literally signs all over the place telling me where her house is.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he's wearing a girdle.

"How long you been wearing that thing?"Frank asks.

"Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox."Howard smugley replied.

I’m always frank and earnest with women

In Philadelphia I’m Frank and in Chicago I’m Earnest

What do you call a man who tells it how it is?...

...Frank.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

Why Anne Frank didn't finish her diary

**Concentration problems**

What did Clark Gable say when I told him it was my cake day today?

"Frankly, Madeira, I don't give a damn."

Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is!

Frankly, I don't know what good it is either!

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

Frank Zappa's children met at a restaurant

the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink.

"A beer", says Moon.

"Wine", adds Ahmet.

"Water", asks Diva.

"Pop", goes Dweezil.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

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Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

It could have been a real game changer.

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

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Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, It could have been worse. To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hop...

What is Anne Franks favourite Anime?

Death Note

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

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Franks Death

One day Frank a 80yr old marine veteran working construction with his super strong body gets a call while lifting cinder blocks.

Frank “Hello whose this?”

His neighbor “hey Frank it’s your neighbor and I have bad news for ya, your wife is having an affair I can see it all from my 2nd f...

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Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

What’s the difference between Anne Frank and a Boy Scout?

A Boy Scout comes back from camp.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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A punk youngling and an old man on a bus (REALLY NSFW)

The old man sat next to the punk, then looked at him curiously, specially his mohawk hair.

After some seconds, the punk got irritated and confronted him with a glare "What? What's with people nowdays thinking i am crazy just because of my haircut and livestyle?" he growled "Haven't you made a...

What did the male beaver say to the female beaver when she said she wanted him to build something nice for her?

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dam.”

"It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!"

And he never visited Bangkok ever again.

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

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Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

Christmas Pageant

Sister Margaret's kindergarten class is performing the traditional Nativity scene for their adoring parents.

Cue the three magi.

The first little tyke bellows, "Here, I bring you a gift of gold!"

The second confidently says, "Here, I bring you myrrh!"

The third hesitate...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry made it out of the chamber

My gf told me this joke, idk where she heard it

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

What happens when you tell Annie Frank a knock knock joke?

She goes to the attic.

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

“I have a split personality”

Said Tom, being frank

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekl...

Two whales are sitting at a bar...

Two whales are sitting at a bar. The first leans closer to the second and says: "Wooooooo-ahhhhhh-oooo-ahhhh-ahn-ahn-ahn-woooooooo"

The second whale pushes him back, setting him upright on his stool and grumbles: "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk!

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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