Eddie Jokes - 55 Hilarious Eddie Jokes

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[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend

One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,

"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."

The girl looked at him shocked and said,

"Hell, no!'

He said,

"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground...

What's the difference between a whisk and Eddie Jones' Team?

A whisk can beat an egg whereas Eddie's team can't beat anything at the moment.

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

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The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

Did you know Johnny Cash and Eddie Money were really good friends?

They both had common cents.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

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Hey, man, know why Eddie Vedder put margarine on his toast?

He can't find the butter, man.

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

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Eddie had forgotten his wedding anniversary

His wife was really pissed. She told him,

“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough the...

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Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album!

The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.

Dang. Eddie Van Halen Died

Now who is going to kill all those vampires?

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

No one knows if Eddie Van Halen went to hell

But last time I checked he was running with the devil

Sad to hear Eddie Money passed away

Guess he finally decided to cash out

Eddie Vedder's LED lamp bulb stops working...

He goes out to buy some replacements, and sees that the colour options available consist of blue and yellow.

After testing both colours of bulb on his lamp, he decides that he likes the yellow LED better.

Eddy and his crush

Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.

Eddy approached his childhood crush. “H...

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

What does Eddie Vedder like to wear to bed?

his pearl jammies of course!

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

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Which Eddie Murphy stand up is Gordan Ramsey's favorite?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

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Eddie Murphy's joke: the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

Bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

(original) -->
http://www.youtube.com/watch...

The Farmer's Daughters

Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgu...

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

Theres Inhalin' and Exhalin', but theres Eddie's favorite...

...Van Halen

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A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish th...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

One day Eddie Vedder and Bob Dylan got into an argument.

nobody knows why.

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

Condoms & Dramamine

Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs do...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A guy dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives, St. Peter greets him and shows him around. Off in the distance, he hears the sickest drum solo he's ever heard, and asks St Peter, "Is that Neil Peart?!"

"Yes, he plays for us all day long!" St Peter replied.

Then, they hear the unmistakable melody of Purple Rain, an...

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.

Two fleas walk out of a bar late one night and stand on the sidewalk.

One turns to the other and says, "Eddie, you want to walk, or take a dog?

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

Can't find it

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked N...

Q. Which shredding guitarist is best for putting out electrical fires?

A. Eddie Van Halon.

This used to be my mother's favorite joke, maybe still is.

A farmer has three daughters who all have a date on the same night.

The first guy comes to pick up his date and says "Hi, I'm Joe. I came to get Flo. We're gonna go to the show, can she go?" The farmer calls Flo down and they leave.

The second guy shows up: "Hi, I'm Eddie. I came to ...

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A farmer has three daughters...

A farmer has three daughters and they all have dates on the same Saturday night. The daughters are upstairs getting ready and there’s a knock on the door.

The farmer answers the door to a nice looking young man who say:

“Hi, my names Joe I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to see a s...

To cheer me up my fiancee got me tickets to Pearl Jam.

But three songs in I still wasn't feeling Eddie Vedder

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

Another three vampires go into a bar and sit at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink. The first asks for a glass of O-positive. The second asks for a glass of B-negative. The third says, "I'm on a diet, so I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns to the bartender and says, "Eddie! Two bloods and a blood...

Pearl Jam's "Alive" song just came on the radio...

You don't gotta rub it in Eddie Vedder.

A farmer who's three beautiful daughters all have their first date on the same night

The farmer is very protective of his daughters, so he decides to greet all their suitors at the door with his shotgun to check them out first. The first guy arrives and knocks on the door. The farmer answers it and says "Who are you, boy?"

The guy says "Hey, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bet...

A man and his three beautiful daughters.

There once was a man living out in the countryside with his wife and his three beautiful daughters; Anne, Beth, and Claire. The man was very protective of his daughters, and when he learned that all three of them had fallen in love with three different men, he called the three men and said he wanted...

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)

One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

The farmer had three daughters..

They were sixteen, seventeen and eighteen. One day he was out front of the farmhouse when a car pulled up the driveway and a young man approached the house.
"who are you?" The old farmer asked him.
"hello Sir, I'm Eddie, here to pick up Betty, we're going out for Spaghetti"
"oh" the Farmer ...

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the f...

My Name is Tucker

There were three brothers who moved to a town. They all saw this beautiful girl and decided that they would each take her on a date and that she would pick whichever one she liked the most.

The first one went to her house and her father answered the door. The young man said,” Hello my name i...

A woman sees an ad for labioplasty in the paper...

... So she she decides to get the operation, so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth.

After the operation, she wakes up with three roses on her chest.

Curious, she asks the nurse, "who are the roses from?"

"Well," says the nurse, "The first rose is from your hu...

The simple rules of dating

A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants....

The farmer and his 3 daughters

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here f...

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