UPJOKE
bonnetcowboy hatfedoraheaddressheadgearheadtoppercaphelmetstetsonhard hatwigchapeaulidsombrero

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

I put a hat on my knee…

Now it’s my kneecap.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..

and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”

New Hat

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.A gentleman approached the lady and said ..... "Ma'am, .... I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".....
The lady replied, ...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?

He hat it coming.

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

I read a book about hats

It kind of went over my head

I'm making a hat out of my dad's old boat.

I didn't think it was possible, but he assured me it was cap sized.

Bert’s new boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home:

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”

Frustrated, ...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

What do you call a leg wearing a hat?

A knee cap!

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor

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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas!

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Prince Charles decides to visit Perth

The future King has not been getting a great reception in the United Kingdom so decides to go somewhere more remote. Not long after his arrival in Perth, he is walking down the Hay Street Mall with an interesting choice of head wear. A Davy Crocket style hat, real fox fur with the tail at the back, ...

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A rich man and a poor man were waiting to cross the street.

It was Christmas time and the poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas.

The rich man told him he got her a new car, a diamond necklace and trip to Fiji.

He then asks the poor man what he got his wife.

He said “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”...

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?

I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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What's the difference between a cowboy hat and a tampon?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

The faithfull Husband

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we ...

I just saw this joke on a very serious TV show, The Old Man.

A woman and her son were walking on the beach when a giant wave swept over them. The woman was separated from her son and she looked all around and couldn’t see him anywhere. She looked up at the sky and screamed “Whoever is up there please help me. My son is everything to me, I can’t live witho...

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

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An old man was playing golf

An old man was playing golf, suddenly a hearse passes by. The man drops his clubs, takes of his hat and lets it pass by. His caddy says that he was an amazing man. The man responds, it's the least I could do for my wife of 40 years

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A new mutant is trying to join the X-Men.

To join, he must complete an interview with Professor X.

"What's your superpower?" asks Professor X.

"I can pull a rabbit out of my hat!" says the young man. He takes off his hat, and pulls out a fluffy white rabbit.

Professor X gets up, walks over, and examines the rabbit car...

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One day an old man is sitting in his porch when a young boy walks by holding some chicken wire

He tells out “What’re you gonna do with that?” The boy replies “Ima catch me some chicken” The man thinks to himself “That can’t be right”. Well about 2 hours later though, the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens tangled in the wire. The next day the man is on his porch and he sees the boy with ...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

How do you know a hat belongs to a little drummer boy?

It has a proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

A man is sitting in the bus with his hat next to him on the seat

a woman: Sir, can I sit here

Man: I am sorry, but this hat is like my brother. Where ever I go, he gets his own seat

Woman: Oh, ok

After a couple of stations the man realizes that the same woman is sitting next to him

Man: But, where is my hat

Woman: Oh, your broth...

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Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.

Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."

Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.

In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabbit council must choose another sacrifice.

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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The World's Oldest Golf Joke

Joe and his buddy go golfing every Saturday.

One day, while they are on the third hole, a funeral caravan passes by on the adjacent street. Joe stops playing, takes off his hat and stands quietly as the procession passes.

His buddy says, "Wow, man, I didn't know you cared about funera...

What do you call a Cobra in a Catholic hat?

Pope Nope Rope

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An old farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a man walked up and asked if he minded if he fished in the farmers pond. The old farmer said “go right ahead.”

A couple of hours later, the man came back and asked the farmer if he had a bucket he can use. “I found some milkweed in your field and want to go back and get some milk.” They farmer said “you can’t get milk from them, that’s just what they’re called, but sure, go right ahead.” A little bit later, ...

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

"Get me my bag!" he shouted.
"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.
"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently, "I think that call was for me.

I'm going to start a religion with really big hats

that way God can't see what we're doing.

What did the toupee say to the hat?

Cover me, I’m going on ahead.

A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg

There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.

The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: “Your dog's just ruined my hat”

Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.

Man: I don't like your attitude!

Dog owner: It's not my attitude,...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harit...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Did y‌‌ou h‌‌ear a‌‌bout t‌‌he I‌‌talian c‌‌hef t‌‌hat d‌‌ied?

He p‌‌asta w‌‌ay.

W‌‌e c‌‌annoli d‌‌o s‌‌o m‌‌uch.

H‌‌is l‌‌egacy w‌‌ill b‌‌e a‌‌ p‌‌izza h‌‌istory.

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

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Why are cowboy hats curled on the sides?

So three of those assholes could sit in a truck.

A dog in a hard hat walks into a bar

The dog says "I'll have a beer. I'm on lunch break from the construction site across the street."

The bartender says "Wow, a talking dog! You should join the circus!"

The dog replies "Why? Do they need construction workers?"

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Did you guys hear the one about where a donkey got into a hat store destroying all the hats and the cops had to come and kill it?

It was pretty crazy, dead ass no cap.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anythi...

When deciding what to name Canada, the founders put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and picked.

C! Eh.
N! Eh.
D! Eh.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying "tick tick tick"?

A metro-gnome

Two fetuses sit in their moms uterus.

One of them wears a scarf, hat and gloves. His twin asks him why he’s dressed like that. He answers:
“l don’t want to catch a cold like the red nosed guy who pops in here all the time and drips snot!”

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.

One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

What do you call a white hat hacker from Pennsylvania?

A penn tester

What does a balding magician have in his hat?

Hare.

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

Two men are fishing at the river on a bridge.

After a while a funeral procession comes by and walks past them. One of the fishers stands up, takes off his hat and stands silently until the procession has passed.

When he sat down again his friend said: “I didn’t know you were such a religious and compassionate man.”

He answered: “W...

Did you know you can make a hat out of any ship?

You just flip it over, that way its capsized....

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My brother called my hat gay

Well yeah, it spends almost all day on top of a guy

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

A Pennsylvania state trooper walked over to her car window flipping his ticket book open. She said “I bet you’re going to give me a ticket to the Pennsylvania troopers ball?”. He replied “Pennsylvania State troopers don’t have balls.” There was an awkward moment of silence which point he closed his ...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

What does a hat salesman drink to get him going in the morning?

A cappuccino.

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

A‌‌ m‌‌an w‌‌as s‌‌hopping i‌‌n a‌‌ n‌‌earby s‌‌upermarket w‌‌hen h‌‌e n‌‌oticed a‌‌ p‌‌ackage t‌‌hat s‌‌aid "‌‌Olympic C‌‌ondoms". H‌‌e b‌‌ought i‌‌t, a‌‌nd t‌‌old h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌bout i‌‌t.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

Man: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife: "And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

Man: "Gold, obviously!"

Wife: "W‌‌hy n‌‌ot S‌‌ilver? I‌‌t'd b‌‌e g‌‌reat i‌‌f y‌‌ou c‌‌ame s‌‌econd, f‌‌or a‌‌ ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was new each week, so he always did the same tricks. The problem was, the captains pet parrot saw all the shows an led began to understand how the magician did every trick. It started squawking in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding flowers under the ...

Hey, that hat you borrowed from me- do you know where it is?

Not off the top of my head.

I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...

...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.

What did the magician say just before he pulled a dead rabbit out of his hat?

Abra Cadaver.

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

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My Fathers favourite old-timer joke to honour him.

An elderly woman hadn’t been to the doctor in a very long time. Her husband said to his wife that she should make an appointment for a check up. She made the appointment and went to the doctor. Afterwards, she came home and the husband asked what the doctor said. She replied that the doctor needed a...

every hat is a top hat.

a bottom hat is a shoe

What time is it when a hippo sits on your hat?

Time for a new hat.

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(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat...

One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!

I heard you can get rich in the hat market.

One day I'll be a milliner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruh— FUCK ratatouille. I put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store.

The cops do NOT believe me.

Two groups of archers were in a battle.

the account of the battle was poorly translated through Spanish and went like this:

one group of archers fired rice at the other.

each of the archers in the second group was hit by January.

one lone surviving sad archer in the second group fired back a single wide brimmed hat....

What did they call the guy who sold several fashionable hat companies for an incredibly large sum of money?

A multi-milliner.

Little Joey

Little Joey comes home from his first day of school crying his eyes out.

"Mom, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."

The mother says, "Don't worry honey, your head isn't big at all. Now, go get me some potatoes from the corner shop."

"Mom, I don't ...

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

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