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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You go on around, I'll go on ahead.

Black Hat Jack

One day in a Saloon in the Wild West, people were casually drinking and gambling when suddenly a cowboy storms into the saloon. He is covered in bruises and bullet wounds. With all the strength he could gather he mutters: "Guys, you need to leave, Black Hat Jack is coming" and then he falls dead. No...

Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

Two drums and a hi hat falls of a cliff.

Ba dum tsss....

Two hats were on a hanger

One hat said to the other, "You hang on here, I'll go on ahead".

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I gotta give these two a lift.

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

What do you call a hat with no legs?

Handicap

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

What do you call a black hat GitHub contributor?

An evil sourcerer

Who wants to hear a hat joke?

Never mind, it'd go right over your head.

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My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

A traveler was hiking with a tour guide

They were walking through the woods near dusk when they came upon an outpost excavated from the side of a mountain. The guide crouched down and instructed the traveler to do the same. In a low voice, he said "We have to move quietly and swiftly. Stop for nothing, and make no eye contact."

...

I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

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I was strolling through my local graveyard walking the dog...

When I noticed a man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning." I said, tipping my hat to him.

"Nope," he replied "just taking a shit."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

How did Canada get it’s name?

Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:

“C” eh, “N” eh, “D” eh.

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Two Turbines are having a conversation with each other

The first turbine asks: What kind of music do you listen to?

The second Turbine replies: I’m a huge metal fan

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What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

This one goes out to the Physicists

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.

Me: I wish I had a hat.

Genîe: weîrd, but ok.

When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat?

When your hair is dyed

Things mothers said

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTH...

I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it’s just a nasty habit.

A guy walks into a bar....

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's ...

A Redhead, a brunette, and a Blonde...

Three girls go on a trip to see the desert. The Redhead says "hey we should bring stuff to keep us cool because the desert can get really hot." Everyone agrees so they so pick it something they feel will keep them cool in the desert heat. "what did you guys bring, I brought a wide brimmed hat to kee...

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

Yo mama so fat ...

The sorting hat put her in waffle house.

A salesman rings the doorbell.

An eight year old boy answers the door. He is naked, except for his father's hat, his mother's panties, and a cape. He has a martini glass in one hand and a fat, Cuban cigar in the other.

"A-a-are your parents home?", the man stutters.

"What the Hell do you think?"

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?

It had CAPS lock on.

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A cowboy in town

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“ The Cowboy says, “Well it’...

A Texan walks into an Irish Pub

They make fun of his big hat.

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

A wimpy kid wears a Santa hat to school.

All the girls are giggling and talking to him, he's in heaven!

Then the school bully, jealous of the attention, snatches the hat and says , " You don't care if I wear this, do you?"

The kid says " Do you have head lice?"

"No!" says the bully.

" Well you do now! Merry Chri...

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How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

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The little Cowboy

A little boy walks into an ice-cream store wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of six shooters.The woman behind the counter can't help smiling at the tough expression on his chubby little face.

“Hello there,cowboy," she says “What can I get for you?"

The kid bellies up to the counter.
...

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