A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Apparently as a 4 year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest

Goes to show that a lot of problems can be solved if priests could keep their hands off kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly

Dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.

A...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river.

There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river. Now, hovering above this river is a fly and looking at this fly is a fish. And the fish is looking at the fly and its thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there and get that fly and have myself a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

​

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other re...

A British man was on a trip down the Amazon River with a guide.

He wanted to practice his Spanish at every opportunity, so he asked his guide to help him with his Spanish.

As they were motoring along, the brit pointed at a tree and said, "Mira! Un arbol!"

"Si," said the guide.

"Y un pajaro!"

"Si."

"Mira, una mosquita!"

"...

What is it called when you shoot at a river?

Stream Sniping.

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?

TEACHER: Yes!


STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?


TEACHER: I don't know.


STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!


TEACHER: Ok, ask.


STUDENT: How to put a donkey inside the fridge?...

Told my wife she was in an Egyptian river.

But she was in Da Nile

The year is 1850 in a river in California...

Hundreds of miners arrive in the river and all the territory in the river is claimed within 5 minutes as they look for treasure. Most of the miners grab a space in the river, but some got there a little too late, and didn't get any space, so they left... except one. For a few days, one miner sat in ...

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"

​

...

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

Two cats are swimming in a river...

The first cat is named One Two Three and the second cat is named Un Deux Trois.

Which cat makes it across the river first?

One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water flows the path of least resistance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

Two blondes were walking along a river, one on each side...

The one on the east bank yells across "How do I get to the other side?!" The one one on the west bank replies "Your on the other side!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Time is like a river [long]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so t...

Dirty river

 

God told Adam that he and Eve could do pretty much anything they want as long as Eve doesn’t go swimming during “that time of the month”.

 

God comes back a few days later only to discover that Eve has done that very thing.

 

God: Adam,...

Two old men were fishing out on the river

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as they the day carried on.

Late in the evening the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance. Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.

Wh...

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!

"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."

"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't te...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

Why is the Nile River filled with holy water?

People keep blessing the rains in Africa.

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replie...

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

What do you call a river that thinks it's not a river?

Denial

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

Two beavers are looking over a river.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam it."

A blonde was swimming in the river...

...a man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? Blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?"

Man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine?

Blonde replied, "but.. I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is walking along a river...

... when she happens to come across a frog. The frog jumps in front of her and says, "Kiss me now and I'll transform into a Prince, and you can be my Princess, and we'll live happily ever!" The woman thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Fuck that- I'd rather have a talking frog!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

So a river gets blocked off.

"Well I'll be dammed."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Angel: O Lord, I have received news of a flooding river. What must be done?

God: fucking dam it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The t...

Guy: hey kid, is this river deep?

Kid: no, not at all.
Guy: *steps into the water and almost drown. Gets back to the kid. You said it’s shallow! I almost drowned!
Kid: There must be something wrong with your legs, because I just saw a du...

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A man is drowning in the Hudson River.

A tour ship sails by and throws him a life preserver. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God will save me! I believe in my Lord”. And thus, the boat sails onwards.

Another boat shortly thereafter spots the drowning man, and sends a rescue squad. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

A blonde is walking by a river

She sees an another blonde on the other side of the river.

-Hey! - she yells.
-Yes? - the other one responds.
-How can I get to the other side? - she asks.
-Fool! You are already on the other side!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bastard at times. I just text my mate and asked did he want to come for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

What did the boy say to his Dad when he fell into the river?

Paddle Pop!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bananas are sitting on the bank of a river...

When a turd comes floating on by, notices the bananas, and yells out, “Come on in! The water’s great!”

One banana turns to the other and says, “ You believe that shit?”

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A...

Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fly and the river

It's a hot summer day, hottest it's been all year, and the sun is just beating down on this poor fly who has been traveling all day until he finally hovers over a river.

"Oh boy" Says the fly "If I drop just six inches I'll be able to feel the cooling mist of the river and take a break!"
...

People who can’t accept the fact that they are in Africa’s biggest river

are in de nile

3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.

"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too po...

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

3 blondes trying to cross a river

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.

The first blonde prays to god and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.

The second blonde prays to god and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross ...

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

Did you hear about the Egyptian who fell in a river and wouldn't admit it?

He was in de Nile.

So there’s two guys on either side of a river,

And one of them yells to the other: “HEY, I NEED YOUR HELP TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE”,
And the other guy goes: “YOU’RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE!”

After Ryan got pushed into a river, he kept yelling that he wasn't wet.

He was in de-Nile.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

What do you call a river that hipsters avoid?

Main stream

What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river?

He was in denial

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

So there was this extreme bookworm that wanted to cross the river...

He saw a ferry and asked the ferryman if he would ferry the bookworm to the other bank. The ferryman agreed.

Half-way across, the bookworm asked, "Do you read Shakespeare?"

"No," said the ferryman.

"Ha! You have wasted a quarter of your life!" chuckled the bookworm.

A mom...

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this ...

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

An Aboriginal goes down to the river

fishing for crabs. He puts his line in and just as he feels a tug, a ranger comes down and says "you know you're not supposed to be crabbing at this time of the year mate. If you reel that in and you've got a crab I'm going have to fine you." so the Aboriginal pulls in the line and sure enough there...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Why is a river really rich?

It’s got two banks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a 25 year old guy walking a tightrope across a Deep River Gorge while Halfway Around the World another 25 year old guy was getting a blowjob from a 70 year old woman but at the exact moment both men were thinking the exact same thought

Don't Look Down

A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,

constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."

Credit: dad

I can't believe that Fisherman told me there were no rivers in Africa

He was clearly in denial

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"

2: "Hmm nah dude im good"

1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"

2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"

So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

What did the man say when he saw the car cross the river?

Ford!

What do you call a River who acts in a very Childish way?

JuveNile!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,

"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!

Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."

The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise ...

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I ca...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...