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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

I dreamt of rafting thru an orange river

But it was just a fanta sea.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child his father held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his father held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. I...

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

I can see that my friend has fallen out of a river boat in Egypt but he refuses to accept it.

I think he’s in denial.

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

Next Sunday I'm throwing all my mayonnaise into the river.

That way I'll sink all de mayo.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

What do you get when you cross a lake and a river?

Wet

Why did the ohm swim to the other side of the river?

Because there was too much resistance.

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

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A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly

Dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.

A...

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There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river.

There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river. Now, hovering above this river is a fly and looking at this fly is a fish. And the fish is looking at the fly and its thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there and get that fly and have myself a ...

What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

​

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other re...

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"

​

...

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

What is it called when you shoot at a river?

Stream Sniping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

The year is 1850 in a river in California...

Hundreds of miners arrive in the river and all the territory in the river is claimed within 5 minutes as they look for treasure. Most of the miners grab a space in the river, but some got there a little too late, and didn't get any space, so they left... except one. For a few days, one miner sat in ...

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do hippos have sex in the river?

how else can you keep her 5kg labia wet

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

Two cats are swimming in a river...

The first cat is named One Two Three and the second cat is named Un Deux Trois.

Which cat makes it across the river first?

One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

Told my wife she was in an Egyptian river.

But she was in Da Nile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 25 year old guy was walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while halfway around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman, at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought..

Don't look down!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Time is like a river [long]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so t...

Two blondes were walking along a river, one on each side...

The one on the east bank yells across "How do I get to the other side?!" The one one on the west bank replies "Your on the other side!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

Dirty river

 

God told Adam that he and Eve could do pretty much anything they want as long as Eve doesn’t go swimming during “that time of the month”.

 

God comes back a few days later only to discover that Eve has done that very thing.

 

God: Adam,...

Two old men were fishing out on the river

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as they the day carried on.

Late in the evening the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance. Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.

Wh...

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A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!

"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."

"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't te...

Guy yells to a stranger across the river

"I need to get to the other side".

Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replie...

Why is the Nile River filled with holy water?

People keep blessing the rains in Africa.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The t...

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said t...

A blonde was swimming in the river...

...a man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? Blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?"

Man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine?

Blonde replied, "but.. I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

What do you call a river that thinks it's not a river?

Denial

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Angel: O Lord, I have received news of a flooding river. What must be done?

God: fucking dam it

So a river gets blocked off.

"Well I'll be dammed."

A blonde is walking by a river

She sees an another blonde on the other side of the river.

-Hey! - she yells.
-Yes? - the other one responds.
-How can I get to the other side? - she asks.
-Fool! You are already on the other side!

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.

"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too po...

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bastard at times. I just text my mate and asked did he want to come for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal.

What did the boy say to his Dad when he fell into the river?

Paddle Pop!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fly and the river

It's a hot summer day, hottest it's been all year, and the sun is just beating down on this poor fly who has been traveling all day until he finally hovers over a river.

"Oh boy" Says the fly "If I drop just six inches I'll be able to feel the cooling mist of the river and take a break!"
...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bananas are sitting on the bank of a river...

When a turd comes floating on by, notices the bananas, and yells out, “Come on in! The water’s great!”

One banana turns to the other and says, “ You believe that shit?”

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

3 blondes trying to cross a river

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.

The first blonde prays to god and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.

The second blonde prays to god and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross ...

Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.

A man is drowning in the Hudson River.

A tour ship sails by and throws him a life preserver. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God will save me! I believe in my Lord”. And thus, the boat sails onwards.

Another boat shortly thereafter spots the drowning man, and sends a rescue squad. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God w...

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

"Does this bus stop at the river?"

"Well, if you hear a really big splash, the answer is no."

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

People who can’t accept the fact that they are in Africa’s biggest river

are in de nile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

So there’s two guys on either side of a river,

And one of them yells to the other: “HEY, I NEED YOUR HELP TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE”,
And the other guy goes: “YOU’RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE!”

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

Did you hear about the Egyptian who fell in a river and wouldn't admit it?

He was in de Nile.

After Ryan got pushed into a river, he kept yelling that he wasn't wet.

He was in de-Nile.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river?

He was in denial

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

So there was this extreme bookworm that wanted to cross the river...

He saw a ferry and asked the ferryman if he would ferry the bookworm to the other bank. The ferryman agreed.

Half-way across, the bookworm asked, "Do you read Shakespeare?"

"No," said the ferryman.

"Ha! You have wasted a quarter of your life!" chuckled the bookworm.

A mom...

What do you call a river that hipsters avoid?

Main stream

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

Why is a river really rich?

It’s got two banks.

Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American an Australian and a Canadian have to cross a river

A magical genie appears and says " what ever you say while you step onto the dock is what you'll float across on". The American says "a billion dollars" as he steps on the dock. So he floats across on a billion dollars. The Australian says "1000 beautiful naked women". So he floats away on a 1000 be...

A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,

constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."

Credit: dad

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

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