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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

I was gonna make a river joke

But I dont think its current

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

A man fell into a river in Oregon a week ago and was eaten alive by beavers

Dam

Two cats challenge each other to a race across the river.

One is named "123" and the other is named "Un Deux Trois." Which one wins?



123 won the race because un deux trois cat sank.





For those who don't get it. "Un deux trois" means 123 in French. 4 and 5 are quatre and cinq, which sound like cat and sank.

What did the river say to the sea...

Why you being so SALTY

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?

'Scurvy

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and i'm gonna go in then get that fish i'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.

What the bear didn't reali...

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of the river.

The first blond yells,"Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?"

The other blond yells,"Hello, you are on the other side of the river."

If you fall in the river in Paris, what would you be?

In Seine.

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

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What do you call a used Tampon floating down a river?

A blood vessel.

If you found a river in a video game with dead fish in it...

would it be considered a spawnpoint?

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

A blonde was walking down a river trying to find a way to get across.

She came across a blonde on the opposite side of the river, so she called out “Hey, how do you get to the other side?!”

The other blonde called back “You ARE on the other side!”

There is a river I don't want to believe exist

The nile

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

I dreamt of rafting thru an orange river

But it was just a fanta sea.

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

5 years after Chernobyl disaster, father and son are fishing near river.

“Dad, dad is it true that there was huge disaster and radiation everywhere when I was born?”

“Yeah, it was terrible” and he cuddled his head.

“Is it true as well, that it caused many animal mutations, like 3 eyed fish we got last week?”

“True as well, my smart one” and he cuddle...

There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river...

It was 3 feet deep on average.

Next Sunday I'm throwing all my mayonnaise into the river.

That way I'll sink all de mayo.

Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water flows the path of least resistance.

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

Why did the ohm swim to the other side of the river?

Because there was too much resistance.

What do you get when you cross a lake and a river?

Wet

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

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A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly

Dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.

A...

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child his father held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his father held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. I...

What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in the distance.

Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the f...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

The year is 1850 in a river in California...

Hundreds of miners arrive in the river and all the territory in the river is claimed within 5 minutes as they look for treasure. Most of the miners grab a space in the river, but some got there a little too late, and didn't get any space, so they left... except one. For a few days, one miner sat in ...

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?

Dammit

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?

TEACHER: Yes!


STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?


TEACHER: I don't know.


STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!


TEACHER: Ok, ask.


STUDENT: How to put a donkey inside the fridge?...

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

What is it called when you shoot at a river?

Stream Sniping.

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom...

A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

Told my wife she was in an Egyptian river.

But she was in Da Nile

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Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replie...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

Dirty river

 

God told Adam that he and Eve could do pretty much anything they want as long as Eve doesn’t go swimming during “that time of the month”.

 

God comes back a few days later only to discover that Eve has done that very thing.

 

God: Adam,...

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

A blonde is walking by a river

She sees an another blonde on the other side of the river.

-Hey! - she yells.
-Yes? - the other one responds.
-How can I get to the other side? - she asks.
-Fool! You are already on the other side!

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The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said t...

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

Two old men were fishing out on the river

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as they the day carried on.

Late in the evening the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance. Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.

Wh...

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

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A 25 year old guy was walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while halfway around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman, at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought..

Don't look down!!

Why is the Nile River filled with holy water?

People keep blessing the rains in Africa.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A...

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A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!

"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."

"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't te...

A blonde was swimming in the river...

...a man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? Blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?"

Man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine?

Blonde replied, "but.. I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.

"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too po...

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A woman is walking along a river...

... when she happens to come across a frog. The frog jumps in front of her and says, "Kiss me now and I'll transform into a Prince, and you can be my Princess, and we'll live happily ever!" The woman thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Fuck that- I'd rather have a talking frog!"

So a river gets blocked off.

"Well I'll be dammed."

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

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Angel: O Lord, I have received news of a flooding river. What must be done?

God: fucking dam it

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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

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Two bananas are sitting on the bank of a river...

When a turd comes floating on by, notices the bananas, and yells out, “Come on in! The water’s great!”

One banana turns to the other and says, “ You believe that shit?”

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

Guy: hey kid, is this river deep?

Kid: no, not at all.
Guy: *steps into the water and almost drown. Gets back to the kid. You said it’s shallow! I almost drowned!
Kid: There must be something wrong with your legs, because I just saw a du...

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

A man is drowning in the Hudson River.

A tour ship sails by and throws him a life preserver. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God will save me! I believe in my Lord”. And thus, the boat sails onwards.

Another boat shortly thereafter spots the drowning man, and sends a rescue squad. The man denies the help, exclaiming, “God w...

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Autocorrect is a bastard at times. I just text my mate and asked did he want to come for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal.

What did the boy say to his Dad when he fell into the river?

Paddle Pop!

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

Which river is always sad?

The Crimea River

Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.

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