An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets

The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Bentley, England, pole vaulting' and they let him in.

The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'McGregor,...

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

3 drunk friends get into a taxi

The driver thinks that they're drunk af so they wouldn't know anything. So he just starts the engine, drives 100 meters and stops like, "here you go boys. We have reached."

The first guy says, "Wow. Time is fast jason. Isn't it?" And gets off the car

The second guy goes like, "Andrew ...

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin t...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a huge McSteak

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I failed to get into the male pornstar industry

Apparently I have shortcomings

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The Russian said,"I can do that."

The American said,"You can?"

The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kr...

Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his house?

Because he had Gnocchi.

How does Albus get into Hogwarts?

Through the Dumble-door.

What happens when three French cats get into a boat that was only meant for two?

Un deux trois quatre cinq!

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited...

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

How do you get into a locked cemetery?

With a skeleton key

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

Why did the monk not get into the monastery?

Because he lost his monkeys.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

Why couldn't Kim-Jong Un get into heaven?

Because he had no Seoul...

Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

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How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

Princess Jasmine used the carpet to get into America

She was deported after 2 days because, obviously, she wasn't Aladdin the country

A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?




The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains w...

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

2 Florida men get into a fight

I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left

How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she ...

I want to get into juggling,

But I don’t have the balls.

Why did the lion get into the closet?

NARNIA BUSINESS!

What did I donate for my son to get into med school?

My son.

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.



Ps: I am a German myself.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

How did my friend get into my house while I was on holiday?

He went intruder window.

It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.

The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but...

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

How did the first woman get into outer space?

Chuck Norris came.

A man and his daughter get into an intense arguement.

Finally the daughter can take it anymore and storms off to her room shouting "Jim Morrison is over rated" before angrily shutting her bedroom door.

Her father equally as angry yelled back "How many times do I have to tell you? In this house we dont slam The Doors."

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

I CAN'T GET INTO MY HAT CUPBOARD!

MY CAPS LOCKED

[NSFW] How do you get into a girl's eggs?

With spermission.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

I tried for two weeks to get into this game...

But the Fortnite just wasn't worth it.

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An illegal immigrant and sex offender get into a fight at a bar.

Alien Vs Predator

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

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What do necrophiliacs say when they get into serious trouble

"I'm fucking dead"

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

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A mother, frustrated with her young son's unruly behaviour finally snaps and asks in exasperation, "how do you think you're ever going to get into heaven?"

"Oh, that will be easy", says the boy. "I'll just keep running in and out, in and out of the gates until St. Peter says, "for fuck's sake, Kevin - are you coming or going? Make up your mind"".

Why couldn’t the pirate get into the movie?

Because he didn’t have enough money.


Edit. My 6 year old told me this. I’m quite sure she didn’t mean for it to be but its a pretty good anti-joke.

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work t...

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

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3 men trying to get into heaven

The first guy goes up to St Peter.
"Peter can I get into heaven?"
He replies
"Have you been faithful to your wife?"
He says "yes yes of course! Every day of my life loved her til I died never looked at another woman once!"
St Peter says "that's great just what I wanted to hear. Here...

Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven

Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.

The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous facial hair!"

The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beac...

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Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in....

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don...

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

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A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"

Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"

Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)

Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"


Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

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Did you know Hitler tried to get into carpentry?

He even published a book, “Mein Kampfy Chair”

Apparently it never took off because he had a thing against screws.

A stormtrooper and a redshirt get into a fight.

The stormtrooper missed every shot.

The redshirt died anyway.

If two vegans get into a fight...

is it still called "beef"?

I hope Elon Musk doesn't get into a scandal

Elongate would be pretty drawn out.

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