Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwart’s?

The Gryffindor

What do you call it when two Nissan Cubes get into an accident?

A wreck-tangle.

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A couple get into a bad car crash...

... which ends them up in the hospital. The man comes to in the ER and starts calling out for his wife. The doctors come in and calm him down a bit. They explain to him that he's been in an accident and that his wife was in surgery. The surgeon came in and said "Look, we had some complications. Your...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt, and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punch line.

Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment.

That's messed up on so many levels!

I never get into arguments with ballerinas

they always have a strong point

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I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.

She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

3 soldiers take a test to get into a secret elite unit

The instructor says to the first soldier "The love of your life is tied to a chair in that room. Here's a gun i want you to go in there and kill her. Then you have past the test". The soldier goes in the room and after 5 minutes walks back out and says "sorry I can't do it". The instructor says "wel...

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first th...

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How do so many drugs get into prisons?

I guess they're smuggled in by some asshole

Turns out you gotta pay to get into MENSA...

...I thought these people were supposed to be smart?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to get into the water?

Because if they fall forward, they'd still be in the boat.

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident

It's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign fro...

What do you call a baboon that has no way to get into his house?

A Mon

A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit

"I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

I just cannot get into reading chinese fiction

There are just too many characters...

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

Why couldn’t the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?

It was rated ARRR

How does a thief get into a house?

Intruder window

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big McSteak.

I always wanted to get into sci-fi movies about time travel...

...but my interest in time travel ended before it really began.

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

Why did the monk not get into the monastery?

He lost his monkeys.

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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him


The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

Canadian and Chinese man get into a car crash

Chinese man knows very little English.

Chinese man: I am sorry

Canadian: I am sorry too

Chinese man: I am sorry three

Canadian: What are you sorry for?

Chinese man: I am sorry five

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Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

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It’s not that hard to get into the Naval Forces

I mean, we were all semen at one point.

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

what do you call it when a small bug doesn't wanna pay to get into heaven?

a protestAnt

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

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An old man and his wife get into a fight

It's late at night and an Old man man and his wife got into a bad fight, so the wife gets angry and takes her pillow and covers and goes to sleep in another room.

After some time passes they both get lonely and a bit horny but they are both too proud to apologize.

So the husband came u...

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

I just wrote a book on how to avoid saying the wrong things and not get into fights.

Who wants some?

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his house?

Because he had Gnocchi.

I really want to get into improv...

and all that jazz.

An American and a Russian get into an argument about who’s government is better

The Russian says: "In my country I can walk into the Kremlin, pound the General Secretary’s desk and say, 'Mr. Putin, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The American says: “I can do that too.”

The Russian says: “You can?"

The American says: “Yes, I can go into ...

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

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I failed to get into the male pornstar industry

Apparently I have shortcomings

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

What happens when three French cats get into a boat that was only meant for two?

Un deux trois quatre cinq!

How does Albus get into Hogwarts?

Through the Dumble-door.

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited...

Why couldn't Kim-Jong Un get into heaven?

Because he had no Seoul...

How do you get into a locked cemetery?

With a skeleton key

A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?




The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains w...

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

2 Florida men get into a fight

I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

I want to get into juggling,

But I don’t have the balls.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day...

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

Princess Jasmine used the carpet to get into America

She was deported after 2 days because, obviously, she wasn't Aladdin the country

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.



Ps: I am a German myself.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

What did I donate for my son to get into med school?

My son.

How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she ...

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