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Doc Jokes

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

A man goes to see his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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Man: Doc, I’m pathologically afraid of Chemists.

Therapist: i may have a solution.

Man: Holy Shit! Not you too!

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"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

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- Will I be OK, Doc?

- I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.
- I don’t do that Astrology stuff you know.
- Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

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Me: So Doc, are you saying that I can jerk off whenever I want?

Doctor: No John, I said you can have a stroke at anytime.

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no hitter on LSD

Which isnt that impressive when you realize the fact that in 1970, all the batters were on LSD as well

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield

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Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

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A man goes to the doctor and the doc says

“Everything is great! But there’s just one more thing that I need you to do”
The man replied “well what is it?”
The doc says “ I need you to go home and ejaculate in this bottle. We just need to look and see if everything is ok downstairs. Come back tomorrow with the bottle ”
So the man c...

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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A man goes to his doctor for a penis enlargement. Doc says: "we can give you a 6"or 8" penis, but there's a difference of about $12,000." Man says: "Ok. let me discuss it with my wife."

Man goes back the next day and the doctor asks: "so what did you decide on, 6 or 8? The man says: "We're remodeling our kitchen."

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Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

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So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope thinks for a second, "No, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Europe." And the other dw...

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Guy with an Orange Penis

Guy with an Orange Penis goes to the Drx and says "Doc, my penis turned orange"

The Doctor says " that's odd. Have you changed your behaviors recently, or diet, or is there an increase of stress in your life?"

Guy replies back " No, No, and no"

The Doctor says " Ok that's odd. N...

Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298

They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.

"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.

Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"

With a te...

Doc: you remind me of my cell phone

Lady: why?

Doc: Because you're about to die

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“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked.

It's not unusual' he replied.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

This bloke goes to the doctor's complaining of a sore bottom...

"Where specifically?" asks the doc.
"Right near the entrance" he replies
"There's your problem; you think it's an entrance."

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...

... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".

I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks him what the problem is.
The man says, "I'm really not sure how to describe it. I guess the best way is for you to hold your stethoscope to my thigh and have a listen."
The doctor holds his stethoscope to the man's thigh and hears a little voice say, " Hey man, can I borrow $2...

What do you call someone with a doctorate in carbonated beverages?

A *fizz*ician

What did the blonde say when her doc told her she's pregnant?

Hope it's not mine.

What did her blonde doc say?

Hope it's not mine either.

Why are blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them too.

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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This old man goes to the doctor....

"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21-year-old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't remember where I live.

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Old farmer went to the doctor...

When the doctor comes in, the old farmer says, "Doc I haven't been able to shit for days."

The doc says, "I have just the thing for you." The doc then gave the old farmer some suppositories and tells him to take one when he gets home.

The farmer goes home and takes it and a day later...

Bugs Bunny goes to a medical convention

He meets a cardiologist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a dentist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a chiropractor, and says "what's up?"

Doc

My dentist tells me I grind my teeth so at night I fill my mouth with coffee beans and water and set the clock for 7:30

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

So the doctor gave me these pills

And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.

I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here."

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"

"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."

The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

A man went to the doctor and said: "Doc, I broke my arm in 12 places."

The doctor replied: "Well, stop going to those places then."

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

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A man hook up with a girl at a bar.

When they get to his place and get in the bedroom, he can't get it up. Hes having whisky dick. She asked him to stick his big toe in her pussy. He does and wiggles his toe around for a bit. They were both really drunk and out of it at this point and eventually passed out. When he woke up in the ...

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Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "...

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

An 89 year old man goes to the urologist

"Doc," he says, "I need a vasectomy."

"A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?"

"Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can't have more kids at my age!"

The doc thought for a second an...

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

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A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!” The Doc sighed and asked,

“no hemo?”

Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots...

Do you think I created a Pair O' Docs?

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?

Me: *screams*

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: *screaming intesifies*

Doc : Sir, I am afraid that your DNA is backwards

Me : and?

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The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel....

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

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My doctor told me "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "Why"

She said "Well, to be honest, you're not supposed to enjoy a rectal exam this much"

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

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“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Patient: Doc: I think I’m psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?

Patient: Next Thursday.

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I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!

What?? Snooker balls Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porrid...

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A man sits in his doctor’s office waiting for some test results…

The doctor enters;

“So doc, what’s the prognosis?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

“Oh no, why?”

“Because I’m trying to speak to you about your results”

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During my check-up

I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc:

Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?

Doc: 20 feet.

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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet.  His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

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Ask the Doc

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’

To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RAR...

A man is at the dentist and he says “Doc, I think I’m a moth!”

“Sounds like you need a psychiatrist,” says the dentist, “Why did you come to see me?”
The man replies “Eh, the light was on...”

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

"Doc, can you vaccinate my child?"

"I guess I can give it a shot."

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

Great doc

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday. The doc was great. He even kept both of his hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean?

It was only driven from time to time

A doctor was examining his newest patient

As testing went on, the doctor said "I'm not quite certain what's wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking."

So the patient said "That's OK, Doc- I'll just come back when you're sober!"

A woman with five kids went to a dentist to have a tooth removed

The woman said "Doc, I must admit i've been DREADING this. I'd just as soon have another baby before I'd have a tooth pulled!"

The dentist said "Well, make up your mind- i have to adjust the chair."

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Hey Doc, what do you call a constipated hypochondriac?

I don't know, but I bet they're just full of shit.

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I pee...what do you think is going on?

Doctor: You're in pain.

Man and his wife are meeting with their marriage counsellor

Husband: “Doc, if I make one more Borat joke Im going to end up divorced”

Doc: “Who told you that?”

Husband: “……”

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20

He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

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"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doc.

"Well," I said, "the entrance to my arse is sore."

"That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

I hate my job and I hate my company...

"I could tell you 100 things I hate about my company"
"Okay, thats a start, why won´t you write it down on a piece of paper?"
"And then what?"
"Burn it, it might free your mind"
"If you think it helps...sure thing doc"
<<next day>>
"So, did it help with your...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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My doc says there is good news about my dementia

I get to fuck a different woman every day.

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Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

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A young blonde lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

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A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.



“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

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An old sex joke: A conversation between a doc and a patient

"Name?"
"Abdul Aziz."
"Sex?"
"Three to five times a day."
"No, no... I mean male or female?"
"Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
"Holy cow!"
"Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
"But isn't that hostile?"
"Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
"Oh...

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor

“Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

The doc says "Let's check you out.”

As he looks into the man's ear with his otoscope he says "It looks like there is some sort of foreign object in here.”

The doc takes his tweezers and pulls it out.

“It's a suppository,” the doc expl...

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[At the therapists] Man: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist:That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

Doc, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Ten

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?

Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...

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A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're jus...

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains that she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying. The doctor examined her and turns to her husband.

"It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

A Man Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office

And says,

"Hey, doc, I think my brother's gone crazy! He's convinced he's a chicken."

The doc says,

"Well, it looks like a simple case of an identity disorder: why don't you turn him in?"

The guy responds,

"I would, doc, but I need the eggs."

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls"?

My friend went to the doctor for a prostate exam

The doctor asked him to bend over the exam table. Then the doctor stands behind him and tells him to relax. My friend said he heard the doctor put on his gloves and squirt some lubricant into his hand. The doctor says, “On the count of three. 1, 2, 3”, and begins the exam. After a few minutes, my bu...

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm worried about my vision! I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen an opthalmologist yet?"

The guy says, "No, just the spots."

Romeo & Juliet.doc...

...is a play on Word.

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting doctor.

Interrupting doc…

You have cancer.

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