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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex.

Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

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When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

Dress for the job

A common quote is dress for the job you want, not the job you have.


I've now been arrested for impersonating a Policeman

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably

I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “

“I have a right to bare arms.”

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It’s all about the dress codes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a ...

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What do bees dress up as for Halloween?

Boo-bees

A naked man arrives at a fancy dress with a girl on his back

"I'm a turtle" he says

Oh.. Who's on your back?

"That's Michelle" he replies.

I went to a Fancy Dress Party dressed as a mushroom.

Everyone said that I was a Fun Guy...

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Fancy dress party fun

Jimmy has a fancy dress party... the theme being emotions.

the party is getting underway, Jimmy’s first guests arrive, a couple ...the girl is dressed as a huge heart (love) the guy is wearing a green t shirt with the letters n and v on ....(a very original green with envy )

There i...

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?

Ranch dressing

A psychic walks into a dress store to buy a new dress

She tries on a new dress but it just wont fit.









Saleslady: Ma'am, this size just doesn't fit you. May I suggest trying on a large?







Psychic: What do you mean try on a large? I'm a medium!

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

They say dress for the job you want not the one you have...

Now I’m in line at the unemployment office dressed as boba fett...

How do people in Europe dress?

Very nicely, but nothing too Francy.

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

What do you call Gigi Hadid wearing a dress made by Cinnabon?

A Roll Model

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”



“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”



The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her s...

My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

My Boss Told Me Dress for the Job You Want

My boss told me yesterday, “You shouldn’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I showed up today in Ghostbusters cloths, he said I was fired.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

Why do they have to specify that it's a "man's dress" or a "man's skirt"?

To let everyone know it has real pockets.

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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

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So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

A woman enters a shop

She tells the shop assistant:

" I want to try on that dress in the window please."

Shop assistant:

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to try it on in the changing room like everyone else"

As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong...

She told me she was going to kill me...

It was a thinly veiled threat.

Dress

**Mum:** What was that loud bang ?
**Daughter:** My dress fell down
**Mum:** How can a dress make a loud bang ?
**Daughter:** I was inside the dress !

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

I didn’t want a job anymore, so I showed up to work wearing nothing, and now I don’t have a job.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

A MtF Trans woman goes to a Halloween costume party...

But she shows up in her regular clothes. The party goers ask "did you forget this was a costume party?"

She replies "Oh I remembered. I'm dressed as one of the X-Men."

What do you call snowmen who like to dress in animal costumes?

Flurries.

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

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So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

I call this my brexit dress..

Every time I wear it people want me out of it and when I’m out they want me back in.

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress.

But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.

Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

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So, I told my girlfriend to dress up as the "Like Button" for Halloween...

So I could SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

Oh, you don't want me to help you dress smart?

Suit yourself.

What did B-Real from Cypress Hill say when his daughter came downstairs in a skimpy dress...?

You ain’t going out like that, you ain’t going out like that.

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A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now ou...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

Anyone can dress as Micheal Jackson

It don’t matter if you’re black or white

I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars

I have a Boba fettish

Cinderella's dress

Cinderella's dress must have been very revealing if the prince looked at her all evening without being able to remember her face.

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Halloween is a day to dress up as something you're not

That's why most girls go as something sexy

What’s the difference between a poorly-dress man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

Actually wait, there’s two differences.

Attire, and a tire.

A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?

Man: No, mustard.

Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

Why did the nun go to the dress up party dressed as a nun?

Force of habit.

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

I am going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween

At least I'll scare the black guys

I met my new girlfriend at a fancy dress party where coincidentally and bizarrely, we were both dressed as dolphins...

We just clicked...

I was told to dress as the scariest thing possible for the Halloween party...

How do I dress as my student debt?

Love Dress

A mother stopped by unexpectedly at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law an...

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

My wife suggested we go to a fancy dress party dressed as partridges.

Well I'm game if she is.

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They told me to dress for the job that I want

but apparently if you want a blowjob you should not walk up to strangers naked

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their “sponsors” are.

What did Arnold say when he decided to dress up as a baroque era composer?

I'll be Bach

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.

I'll show myself out.

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

A male polar bear walks into his psychiatrist’s office wearing a dress.

“What seems to be the problem today?” The psychiatrist asks.

“I don’t know. Here lately it just seems like everything makes me angry and that I have no way to control my emotions. What do you thinks wrong?”

“I think you’re just bi-polar.”

Why do you have to dress so nicely when riding a unicycle?

Because attire is the most important thing about a unicycle

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