This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”

​

“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”

​

The pastor consoled his w...

My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

A woman enters a shop

She tells the shop assistant:

" I want to try on that dress in the window please."

Shop assistant:

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to try it on in the changing room like everyone else"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

Why do they have to specify that it's a "man's dress" or a "man's skirt"?

To let everyone know it has real pockets.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

Does this dress make me look fat?

No, your body does

Dress

**Mum:** What was that loud bang ?
**Daughter:** My dress fell down
**Mum:** How can a dress make a loud bang ?
**Daughter:** I was inside the dress !

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A MtF Trans woman goes to a Halloween costume party...

But she shows up in her regular clothes. The party goers ask "did you forget this was a costume party?"

She replies "Oh I remembered. I'm dressed as one of the X-Men."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.

She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on t...

What do you call snowmen who like to dress in animal costumes?

Flurries.

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong...

She told me she was going to kill me...

It was a thinly veiled threat.

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

So this hot babe goes to a fancy dress party stark naked and rings the bell.

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The host opens the door and sees her standing there brazenly, tapping her forefinger on her chin.
Host: “ What are you?”
Hot babe: “A self-tapping screw!”

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

Dress for the job you want, not the one you have, they said.

I'd like to be a CEO, but I'm afraid to wear a dark suit like my uncle did, in his coffin.

My boss said to dress for the job I want, not the job I have

Now I’m in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman

What do you call man living in Mississippi who likes to dress up in women's clothes?

A Mississippi Queen

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s something that both white people and black people can dress up as for Halloween?

Michael Jackson

I call this my brexit dress..

Every time I wear it people want me out of it and when I’m out they want me back in.

They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

I didn’t want a job anymore, so I showed up to work wearing nothing, and now I don’t have a job.

Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

What did B-Real from Cypress Hill say when his daughter came downstairs in a skimpy dress...?

You ain’t going out like that, you ain’t going out like that.

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it’s toothpaste this time

I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress.

But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

Oh, you don't want me to help you dress smart?

Suit yourself.

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I told my girlfriend to dress up as the "Like Button" for Halloween...

So I could SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

Anyone can dress as Micheal Jackson

It don’t matter if you’re black or white

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Halloween is a day to dress up as something you're not

That's why most girls go as something sexy

I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars

I have a Boba fettish

I met my new girlfriend at a fancy dress party where coincidentally and bizarrely, we were both dressed as dolphins...

We just clicked...

I was told to dress as the scariest thing possible for the Halloween party...

How do I dress as my student debt?

I am going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween

At least I'll scare the black guys

Cinderella's dress

Cinderella's dress must have been very revealing if the prince looked at her all evening without being able to remember her face.

What did Arnold say when he decided to dress up as a baroque era composer?

I'll be Bach

In a queue for a nightclub, I looked for the serial number on the back of my girlfriend's dress.

"What do you think you're doing?" she said.

I said, "Well, you asked me what the dress code was.."

Love Dress

A mother stopped by unexpectedly at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law an...

My wife suggested we go to a fancy dress party dressed as partridges.

Well I'm game if she is.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

I was at a costume party, but had decided not to dress up

I told everyone I was a really, really, really, really, really, stealthy airplane.

--


I then proceeded to drop off their radar.

I would dress up as a Procrastinator for Halloween.

Never mind, I’ll do it later

A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?

Man: No, mustard.

What’s the difference between a poorly-dress man on a bicycle, and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

Actually wait, there’s two differences.

Attire, and a tire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now ou...

They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

I went to a fancy dress party...

A girl approached me and asked ‘what are you meant to be?’

I said ‘a harp’

She replied ‘your costume is too small to be a harp’

I said ‘are you calling me a lyre?’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They told me to dress for the job that I want

but apparently if you want a blowjob you should not walk up to strangers naked

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

A male polar bear walks into his psychiatrist’s office wearing a dress.

“What seems to be the problem today?” The psychiatrist asks.

“I don’t know. Here lately it just seems like everything makes me angry and that I have no way to control my emotions. What do you thinks wrong?”

“I think you’re just bi-polar.”

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their “sponsors” are.

Why do you have to dress so nicely when riding a unicycle?

Because attire is the most important thing about a unicycle

I dress so...

sharp, I often cut myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

\**no response as he's busy reading his newspaper\**

"I SAID, does this dress make my butt look big??"

"No" \**mumbling without looking up*\*

"You know, research has shown that women with large butts are smarter"

"Ok, einstein"

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

Went to a fancy dress party as a fridge.

People laughed but at least I looked fresh.

[OC] My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves... The Pillage People.

Every woman would be happy to have a new dress...

But she would be even happier to fit into an old one!

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.

I'll show myself out.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Does this dress make my butt look big?” she asked. “On the contrary,” I replied suavely,

“it’s your butt that’s making the dress look big.”

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken last night.

I had a number of near misses on the way there. Everyone kept driving straight at me.

Why don’t they need dress codes in Kentucky?

They already have the same genes.

I accidentally spilled my coffee on an Indian friend's dress

I told her I'm sari.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dressed up as an egg for a fancy dress competition

I went with a guy dressed like a chicken. We had sex at his place afterwords, and an age-old question was answered that day.

It was the chicken.

I walked into a fancy dress shop and said to the woman, "I'm going to a party tonight, and I want to go as an A4 piece of paper."

She gave me a blank look.

What does a house wear?

Address

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.