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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

I went to this fancy dress party the other day.

I was dressed as a tuba but when I arrived he seemed confused.

"Well what are you supposed to be then"

"I'm a tuba"

"You look too small to be a tuba"

"Are you calling me a lyre?"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire

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"Do I look fat in this dress?"

"No," I replied. "Just a bit gay, son."

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

I got slapped in the face for dressing well. I told them what my dad said “always dress like you’re gonna meet the love of your life”.

My wife really got upset by it.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

My two friends persuaded me to dress up as prepeller blades with them

At first I wasnt sure but now I'm a huge fan.

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

Why do brides always dress in white?

Because home appliances usually come that way.

What do you call a cross-dressing vampire?

Dragula

A mother gets dressed to go shopping and puts on her new fur coat.

Her little daughter notices the new fur coat and mutters "that poor creature must have suffered alot..."

*Mother*: "Don't talk about your father like that !"

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

Always drive in your dressing gown and slippers.

If you cause a car crash, you can pose as a witness from a nearby house!

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

I saw a little person at a Halloween party. He was dressed as Prince Andrew but hauling around a small compressor with him.

I approached him and asked what the deal was and he told me he was "compressed heir."

So I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken when I bumped into a cute girl dressed as an egg, that night i found out the answer to the age old question

Which came first

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

What do you call a well dressed pop singer

Billie Stylish

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A well dressed gentleman spots an attractive lady sitting at the bar

He walks up to her and says:

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you but can I smell your pussy?"

Offended and taken aback the woman replies "No!" In a sharp and stern voice.

To which the man replies:

"Oh, it must be your feet then."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency?

Bahtman.

Or is it The Bahtman?

A priest sits next to a well dressed woman on the plane.

Woman: Father could I ask a favor of you?

Priest: Certainly.

Woman: I bought a hairdryer for my mother but I am afraid that my purse is becoming too heavy and that airport security will confiscate it when we land. Could you hide it underneath your robes?

Priest: Very well, but I...

What do you call it when a soldier has to go undercover dressed as a woman?

A Transmission

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

Judy was entering the church. She was wearing a see-through dress.

"You can't come into the church like that!", exclaimed the priest.

"But I have a divine right!", replied Judy.

"You have divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!".

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My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex.

Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit

A woman is shopping for a dress

She tries one on but thinks the cleavage might be too deep so she asks a employee of the shop

-"excuse me do you think this cleavage is too dEep?"

-"Do you have chest hair?"

-"No of course not !"

-"Well than the cleavage is too deep."

On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.<...

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fancy dress party

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p\*nis.

A Lady asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I ...

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

A naked man arrives at a fancy dress with a girl on his back

"I'm a turtle" he says

Oh.. Who's on your back?

"That's Michelle" he replies.

How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably

The wife and I dressed as Peruvian owls for Halloween.

We were Inca hoots.

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume...

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?

The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

A guy told me not to try cross dressing

He told me it was kind of a drag.

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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

I was going to dress up my unvaccinated kids as the measles this Halloween

But they’re all dead.

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

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For a good time go bowling

A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late...

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceed...

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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A woman was angry because...

Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.

Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom....

Dress for the job

A common quote is dress for the job you want, not the job you have.


I've now been arrested for impersonating a Policeman

A little girl knocks on my door and said Brick or Breat. I said what are you dressed up as? She said a Birate.

A birate you mean a pirate She said ya a birate. I asked if you are a pirate were are your buccaneers you know your band of cut throat's and theaves, were are your buccaneers? she said under my bucking hat give me the bucking candy

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My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaids dresses by Saturday. . .

She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However, her skills are only sew sew.

I went to a costume party last night and a guy dressed as Robin Hood said to me "Tally-Ho!"

I looked around and said "Seven, but I think most are just costumes".

My wife caught me dressing in drag and decided that we were over.

So I picked up her stuff and left.

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Life lesson

Have you ever wondered why before sex both people help each other undress, but after sex each person dresses up individually?

Life lesson: in life nobody will help you when you're screwed, and if someone does help you it's only to screw you

On the atheist tombstone:

All dressed up and no place to go.

I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “

“I have a right to bare arms.”

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A man walks into a bar with the head a size of an orange

The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. But the man has head the size of an orange.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the ...

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

My Eskimo friend got his ski stolen.

Now he dresses in black, and is always depressed.

I dressed up as the invisible man today to school.

Nobody noticed.

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?

Ranch dressing

How do you get a nun pregnant? (NSFW)

Dress her up as a choir boy!

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It’s all about the dress codes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a ...

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

WHAT did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I’m dressing..

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”



“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”



The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her s...

Did you hear about the cross dressing dinosaur?

He decided to try Sarah's tops.

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

What do you call Gigi Hadid wearing a dress made by Cinnabon?

A Roll Model

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska.

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska whereupon entering they see a beautiful woman dressed in furs, with tan skin and black hair sitting by herself. They remark to one another about how beautiful she is when one of the men decide to go and talk to her. After a moment or two, who solemnly returns to his...

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