I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

DOCTOR: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

WOMAN: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?

DOCTOR: ...

A step-to-step Guide on how to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 6
Step 9
Step 16
Step 28

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why did the almost blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?

>!499!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

>!Open the door, take the elephant...

If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think it depends on how loud its bark is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tree falls in the forest.

Guy in camouflage: What the f—

Tree: Oh shit— I mean AHHH I FELL

What do you call a bee that falls down a hill?

A stumble bee.

Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat.

Fall on a building site (dad joke)

I fell into the foundations of a new build as it was setting, it's always nice to make a good impression.

Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall?

A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly.

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy opens his violin case and an AK47 falls out

His teacher screams "Tommy what the hell is that!"

Tommy stares blankly at the gun for a moment and says "oh crap my dad is gonna rob a bank with my violin"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

Two snares and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Bah dum tsss

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the fridge fall out the tree?

It’s a fridge. It can’t hold on.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

He got hit by two monkeys and a fridge.

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base,the Drill Seargent says,"All right,all of you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away,one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Seargeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye with him,and then raised an eyebrow.The soldier smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh,Sir?"

I always fall for clickbaits.

And I'm not alone.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty should learn to be a little humble

Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

Two blondes fall into a well

The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

It’s not about how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get up!

The police said, “Sir, this is a field sobriety test!”

What is brown, has four legs, green fur and if it falls from a tree, it kills you?

A pool table!

A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York.

He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”



The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”



Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver a twenty-dollar bill, “...

It’s ok if you fall apart sometimes.

Tacos fall apart and we still love them.

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

I really hope the Boston Celtics don't sign Taco Fall to any contact in the NBA.

So he could join the Minnesota Timberwolves. With Jordan Bell in the team, we will have the Taco Bell frontcourt.

The end

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy falls in love with a girl called Wendy

Few months later, he decides to propose to her. To make it unforgettable, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, so when it's flaccid it reads WY and when he gets a hard on, it says Wendy. He shows it to her and she's so impressed with his commitment and all, says Yes and they get married.
...

How did the man with no arms fall off his bike?

He was hit by a washing machine.

What's white and blue and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you?

A refrigerator wearing a denim jacket.

If you fall, I’ll be there.

~Floor

A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.

As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.

"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"

"Yes, please help me!"

"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"

"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

Stairs! Bet you can’t fall down just one.

Because then it wouldn’t be plural.

Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.

If people run over to help, you are OLD.

What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?

A bulldozer

"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

-Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?

-Oh shut it, it was just one time.

My friend falls into and makes canyons for a living

He's a fissure man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
<...

Why did Sally fall off the swing

Because she didn't have hands

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Sally


What did Sally get for Christmas?

Gloves but shhh don't tell her she hasn't opened it yet

Why was Fall mad at Winter?

Because Winter came too early

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to The Edge.

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

If a tree falls...

If a tree falls in the woods and kills someone, did they die of natural causes?

German snow does not fall

It occupies

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

What do you call a person who falls for something over and over again?

Oooh

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna...

Why can’t you wear Ukrainian underwear?

Because Chernobyl Fallout.

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England?

Uk-raine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

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