If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Why did the old man fall in the hole?

Because he couldn't see that well!

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.



Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you!

Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doc: Denise.

Woman: Well...

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When it started to fall apart...

A much older man married a sweet young girl. On their wedding night, he came strutting out of the hotel bathroom, swinging it.

He: Do you know what this is called, Honey?

She (giggling): That's a pee-pee.

He (chucking): Oh no, Honey, this is a cock.

She (giggling): O...

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

Tutorial on how to fall on stairs.

Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 7, Step 11, Step 14 and Step 18.

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree what falls first?

The leaf because the emo was stopped by the rope

How did the roman empire fall?

It had a Ceasure

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

What’s green and has four legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table.

The Lone Ranger falls off his horse and injures himself pretty bad

Then he says, "Go find someone to help me", the horse hurries to the town they just passed and finds a beautiful woman, the horse tries to call her attention, and kneels so the woman can mount him

He runs with her to help The Lone Ranger, when she arrives she helps him to get on the horse and...

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Bah dum, tss.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock

“Who’s there”

Not sally

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired

There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron


-Stephen King

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

Why did the troll fall back with his army?

He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy

What do you call a chipmunk that falls into a blender?

Chipchunks

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[NSFW] A rooster sees a cat fall in a pool and starts laughing hysterically.

What's the moral of the story?

A wet pussy makes a happy cock.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

A blonde woman left a 20$ bill fall in a toilet

She asks for her boyfriend to take it out, he thinks for a second, and explains:

"Baby, I don't think 20$ are worthy of putting my hand in the toilet."

Then the blonde throws a 50$ bill in the toilet and says:

"But I'm pretty sure 70$ are."

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

Never fall in love with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

What's the difference between falling from the 1st floor and falling from the 11th floor?

The 11th goes:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CRASH!



And the 1st goes:

CRASH!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

What’s black and white that could fall out of a tree and kill you?

A piano

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

Fall in love with your problems...

...who knows, maybe they'll leave you, too.

A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over...

....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

My father promised me he would take me to Niagara Falls and then canceled

It was a Falls promise! :(

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Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villag...

Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Girlfriend of two years broke up with me this fall, I was devastated. Then I realized...

I had 2 fall to lose it all

But in the end it doesn't even matter...

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Badum-Tish!

I couldn’t sleep so I googled “how to fall asleep?”

Step 1: Stay off your phone before bed

Step 2: Irony

Two friends are out hunting and one of them falls off a cliff edge. The other one runs down and calls 911 and says "my friends fallen off a cliff and I think hes dead!" The lady on the other side of the phone says, "before we do anything else we have to make sure."

She hears a gunshot, then the hunter gets back on the phone and says, "now what?"

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

What do you do when your sigh keeps falling down?

Repost.

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My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I kn...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

People get mad at Tesla drivers for falling asleep behind the wheel.

My car must be broken. Every time I fall asleep while driving it takes me to the hospital.

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Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:

No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

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What do you yell when a sex worker falls at a square dance?

"It's a hoe-down!"

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

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who made hitler fall asleep

hermann boring

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

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A man very sadly died recently after breaking into a brewery and falling into a vat of beer

However, the police are treating his death as suspicious as the CCTV footage shows him getting out 3 times to take a piss.

What do you call a mean criminal falling off a cliff?

A condescending con descending

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

My friends, like numbers, fall into two categories

Odd and even?

No... imaginary and irrational.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his...

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

What did they call the fall of the Soviet Union

The last of us

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

"It's snowing!" the old man says excitedly to his wife.

"That isn't snow", the wife replies.

"Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like snow to me", the old man says.

"You see that man over there in the crims...

Police: Sir, did you or did you not just intentionally make that woman fall down?

Man: Yes, I was trying to prove a point.

Police: what point?

Man: I don't need to leave the country to trip abroad.

Did you fall from heaven

Because it looked like you hit your face pretty hard

What a twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a gir...

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

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A man wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla on his roof.

So he searched the internet and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers". He calls the number, and the gorilla catcher, Bobby, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

Bobby arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van. He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG....

Why did the muffin fall down the stairs

He was baked

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

- Mel Brooks

Why did Annie fall of the swings?

She had no arms.

What did Annie get for Christmas?
She doesn't know. She can't open the box.

Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Annie.

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