A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa-dum-ssss

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

Me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

What's the difference between falling in the 10th and 1st floor of a building?

In the 10th floor you go:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH \*thud\*

In the 1st floor you go:

\*thud\* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

It does not matter how many times you fall down, what matters is how many times you get back up

Unfortunately the officer did not appreciate my grit during the roadside sobriety test.

Dad, did you ever fall in love?

\- "Yes son. I did once."

\- "And, what happened?"

\- "In the beginning it was fantastic but then your mother found out."

Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head?

He took it as a sign from above.

What does Tarzan falling to his death have in common with Millenials?

I miss Vine.

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool.

The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the ...

What’s green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

why did the kid fall off the swingset?

because his mother threw a refrigerator at him

A woman who is 3 moths pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it ...

What do helicopter pilots call it when their guacamole that's gone bad falls on the ground?

Black guac down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys are watching a naked man free fall from a cliff

one guy says: I thought he was crazy at first, but now I realise he has got balls of steel

the other says: Yes, i know. And its making him fall even faster!!


(original joke, hope you like!!)

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Like any other season

Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love....

WRONG...What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

Sweetheart, I didn't just fall for you.

I fell because of you.

Stop tripping me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

John Cena falls down a flight of staires

He wakes up in a hospital

He says "Where am i?"

the nurse says "ICU"

John Cena: "no you can't"

Why did little sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms or legs

*knock knock*

“Who is there”

“Not sally”

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

I kept falling over but didn’t know what to do. My friend told me to look on...

Trip Advisor

How do we know that a tree makes a sound if it falls in the forest?

Because it will dialogue.

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman receives an eviction notice after falling behind on rent.

She goes to her landlord's office to talk to him. "Look, I've lost my job and have no money to pay the rent," she says. "But, please don't kick me out. I have nowhere else to go. I'll do anything if you let me stay."

"Anything?" asks the landlord.

"Yes, absolutely anything."

The...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

It's not the fall that kills you

It's the sudden stop at the end

Fats Domino died after falling onto another family member...

Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member...

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."

Two cat's are on a roof, which one falls off first?

The one with the smallest mu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if a donkey falls off a road?

Ass-phalt

An ant falls out of an airplane, how did it die?

Starved to death on the way down.

(Translated from Mandarin, every Chinese kid knows this joke, not sure if it works in English).

History: empires need decades, if not centuries to fall

2020: Hold my beer

3 elephants are falling from a cliff

Two land on ground the third on water.






Ba dum tss

A women rides through the desert on her camel. She drops her water bottle and her camel falls over, dead.

It was the Straw that broke the CamelBak

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

What is it called when a Kardashian falls into the sea?

Pollution.

What do you call a cow that falls for anything ?

Gullibull

If you think about it, walking is just falling

With extra steps!

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall

it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn” and not the fall of civilization.

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff.

The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

Where does a dog go when his tail falls off?

A retail store

I've just written a book about falling down a staircase

It's a step by step guide

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

Two watermelons fall in love and want to get married.

Alas, weddings of that variety haven't been legalised yet meaning they cantaloupe

What do you call when ten people fall into a trap?

TENET.

Steps on how to fall down stairs.

Step one:
Step three:
Step seven:
Step nine:
Step thirteen:
Step twenty:
Floor:

How rare is it for someone to die by falling into a campfire?

Probably about medium rare.

What do you get when your foot falls asleep?

Comatose.

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off.

It's not like I have any Ctrl.

An elephant falls off a cliff and lands on a snake

Badum Hsssss

Why did the radio tower fall apart on a Sunday?

Cuz it was weekend

2 Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff!

Ba-DUM Tssss!

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg.

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him.

The narwhal comes and the penguin says, "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break ...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

His GPA was 3.7

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head

He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially sn...

What happens when two eels fall in love?

They develop eelings for each other

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

What does a chicken do when they fall on hard times?

Chicken strips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

The US government should use ICE to ensure kids are going to school this fall

They have a pretty good track record of separating kids from their families

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.