If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they've had?

Because it's well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window...

...she said it was a little condescending.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

why do scuba divers fall backwards when they go diving?

because if they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat.

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

Two robots fall in love

Two robots fall in love they went on dates and they got a bit frisky so the male put on his nuts and bolt and they went at it he put it in and the girl robot said "no input detected"

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Why did Little Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

knock knock

whos there?

not sally

I had a falling out with my friend over a protein powder

We decided to go our separate wheys

Why do motorcycles fall over?

Because they're too tired.

(Told to me by my 5 year old).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

what do you call it when a dock falls on you?

pier pressure

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa-dum-ssss

Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Why did Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall ...

I didn’t fall for my boyfriend

His third leg just tripped me

A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me

"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...

...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows h...

How to Fall Down a Staircase

* Step 1
* Step 2
* Step 4
* Step 6
* Step 11
* Step 16
* Floor

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health

Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fall of Duty

I get why the main story of a video game is called the campaign. It promises everything in the advertisements, takes money up front, and within the first 40 hours I'm ready to replace it

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

A man falls over unable to breathe

The woman he's with scans around the area and spots a man with a gi and black belt on.
"Do you know anything about choking?"
The man responds that he does, due to teaching Jiujitsu.
The woman urgently yells, "help I think he's going to pass out!"
To which the JiuJitsu teacher replies, "T...

A bird was flying when it laid an egg. But it didn't fall to the ground. Why?

Because it was wearing underwear.

This was my cousin's favourite joke when she was around 4 years old (she's 27 now) and she made it a point to tell EVERYONE she met because she came up with it herself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

What’s green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

Why do good Christian men fall for gingers?

I'm no scholar but it's something about a burning bush

Me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work.

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

What's the difference between falling in the 10th and 1st floor of a building?

In the 10th floor you go:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH \*thud\*

In the 1st floor you go:

\*thud\* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

What does Tarzan falling to his death have in common with Millenials?

I miss Vine.

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

Who discovered Victoria Falls?

Whoever tripped her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one from the 9th

The first one goes : thud...aaaaaaaah and whereas the other goes aaaaaaaah...thud

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

Ba-dum tss

My favorite holiday song is the one about the medieval warriors. One of them doesn't talk and the other's armor is falling apart.

Silent Knight, Holey Knight.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

How to fall down the stairs

Step one
Step two
Step three


Step six

Step eight



Step twelve
FLOOR

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Just like any other season

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool.

The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife falls suddenly into a coma and is unresponsive

She is rushed to the hospital where she lies unresponsive for over five days. Her husband, red-eyed and distraught, refuses to sleep or leave her side. He reads to her, talks to her, entreats her, all to no avail.

Finally, in the middle of the sixth night, he reaches out in desperation and g...

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

A woman who is 3 moths pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

It does not matter how many times you fall down, what matters is how many times you get back up

Unfortunately the officer did not appreciate my grit during the roadside sobriety test.

I hate falling asleep

I hit my head on something every single time.

Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head?

He took it as a sign from above.

What does a felon falling from an airplane and a significant other talking down to you have in common?

Condescending

Dad, did you ever fall in love?

\- "Yes son. I did once."

\- "And, what happened?"

\- "In the beginning it was fantastic but then your mother found out."

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love....

WRONG...What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys are watching a naked man free fall from a cliff

one guy says: I thought he was crazy at first, but now I realise he has got balls of steel

the other says: Yes, i know. And its making him fall even faster!!


(original joke, hope you like!!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

Sweetheart, I didn't just fall for you.

I fell because of you.

Stop tripping me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman receives an eviction notice after falling behind on rent.

She goes to her landlord's office to talk to him. "Look, I've lost my job and have no money to pay the rent," she says. "But, please don't kick me out. I have nowhere else to go. I'll do anything if you let me stay."

"Anything?" asks the landlord.

"Yes, absolutely anything."

The...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

It's not the fall that kills you

It's the sudden stop at the end

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit d...

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

You know how you feel when you're leaning back in a chair and you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself?

I feel like that all the time.

*Credit Steven Wright*

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car recently on ebay, but it's rubbish...

Every now and then it falls apart

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I kept falling over but didn’t know what to do. My friend told me to look on...

Trip Advisor

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Two cat's are on a roof, which one falls off first?

The one with the smallest mu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is big in Texas," says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool, and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies, "Every...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

An ant falls out of an airplane, how did it die?

Starved to death on the way down.

(Translated from Mandarin, every Chinese kid knows this joke, not sure if it works in English).

Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

3 elephants are falling from a cliff

Two land on ground the third on water.






Ba dum tss

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."

Fats Domino died after falling onto another family member...

Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member...

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall

it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn” and not the fall of civilization.

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

History: empires need decades, if not centuries to fall

2020: Hold my beer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if a donkey falls off a road?

Ass-phalt

What is green,has 4 legs and can kill you if it's falls from a tree?

A pool table.


It's funny because you wouldn't expect a pool table on a tree. xD

Why did the kid fall off his bicycle?

Because someone threw a fridge at him.

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

If you think about it, walking is just falling

With extra steps!

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Don't tell me that old joke about artificial gravity...

I'm not going to fall for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Simple Case

There once was a doctor who dealt with rare real world metaphorical conditions and illnesses.

He sat in his waiting room one morning, reading the newspaper.
“Doctor,” the receptionist called, “your first appointment is here”

In walked an old woman with a walking stick.

“You ...

What do you call a cow that falls for anything ?

Gullibull

A drum set and a snake falls off a cliff.

The drummer and pet shop owner are very sad now.

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

Falling to the ground, my wife cried out, "Help me honey! I think I've really hurt my knee!" I ran towards her and shouted…

"Are Eenie, Meenie and Mo ok!?"

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.