I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

How to fall down the stairs

Step 1 ...

A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more an...

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

Never fall in love with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Why did the man fall into a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

What's the difference between falling from the 1st floor and falling from the 11th floor?

The 11th goes:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CRASH!



And the 1st goes:

CRASH!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

A lamb, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

*baa-dum-tssssssssss*

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

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Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:

No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

My friends, like numbers, fall into two categories

Odd and even?

No... imaginary and irrational.

What do you call a mean criminal falling off a cliff?

A condescending con descending

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

"It's snowing!" the old man says excitedly to his wife.

"That isn't snow", the wife replies.

"Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like snow to me", the old man says.

"You see that man over there in the crims...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

Police: Sir, did you or did you not just intentionally make that woman fall down?

Man: Yes, I was trying to prove a point.

Police: what point?

Man: I don't need to leave the country to trip abroad.

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

What did they call the fall of the Soviet Union

The last of us

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Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.

The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the vil...

Three guys are out fishing when Dave falls out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The two left start panicking and pull in their rods but one is caught on something.
Pull him up,pull him up, they both heave till he is in the boat and not breathing.
I know mouth to mouth yells Steve and gets right down to business administering first aid to their fallen buddy Dave. After a c...

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

- Mel Brooks

Did you fall from heaven

Because it looked like you hit your face pretty hard

Why did the muffin fall down the stairs

He was baked

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

DOCTOR: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

WOMAN: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?

DOCTOR: ...

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

Galileo stated that everything falls at the same speed, however this is not true

My self esteem falls pretty fast

Why did Annie fall of the swings?

She had no arms.

What did Annie get for Christmas?
She doesn't know. She can't open the box.

Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Annie.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

Hoy many beans should you put in your delicious fall chili?

239.
Any more would be too farty.

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

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My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

Did you fall from heaven?

Cause I think you got off a stop too early.

What do you call it when you fall asleep on a rocket?

Spacing out

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One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

Why did Bono fall off stage??

He was too close to The Edge

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

Why was the person who wouldn't fall asleep jailed?

He was resisting a rest.

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

What’s it called when multiple bookshelves of books falls on you?

A title wave

Two cats are sitting on the roof. Which cat will fall off first?

The cat with the smaller [mu](https://www.britannica.com/science/coefficient-of-friction)!

real dad joke at Niagara Falls

We did a tour behind the Falls in Niagara. We were leaving the tour and going up the elevator:

Elevator Operator: is this your first time?

Me: no I've been on many elevators.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Why did the drug addict fall over?

He tripped

I saw a film about the fall of the USSR

It was a blocbuster

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms

Two drums and a hi hat falls of a cliff.

Ba dum tsss....

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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

I don't have time for the Fall Equinox

But if you check back with me at Daylight Savings Time I should have an extra hour...

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A tree falls in the forest.

Guy in camouflage: What the f—

Tree: Oh shit— I mean AHHH I FELL

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

Why did the USSR fall apart so quickly?

Because they're always Russian out there.

I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day

Now it's going to be up all night!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He had a heart attack.



Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.



Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

What happens when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

What do you call a bee that falls down a hill?

A stumble bee.

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

A man in a bar keeps falling off of his barstool

From afar, the bartender and another gentleman watch as the man keeps falling, getting up, falling, getting back up.

The bartender tells the gentleman, "Why don't you be a Good Samaritan and take the guy home?" The gentleman agrees.

He goes to pick up and carry the man. The man keeps ...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A drum kit falls out of a tree

Ba-dum-tss

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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A little boy opens his violin case and an AK47 falls out

His teacher screams "Tommy what the hell is that!"

Tommy stares blankly at the gun for a moment and says "oh crap my dad is gonna rob a bank with my violin"

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

How do blind bats fall in love?

They just click

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The...

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How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

A man is at his best friend's funeral

He steps up to the microphone. All fall silent. He says only "Plethora" and sits back down.

The widow pats his shoulder and says, "Thanks. That means a lot".

A fat women falls through the floor of her apartment whilst reading the news.

She must be a fast reader as she’s already gone through 10 stories.

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