This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

A guy approaches a beautiful young woman in a short dress at the jukebox.

“Wow. Great thong.”

She pours her drink on him and walks away.

“I’m thorry, was it thomething I thaid??!!”

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady approaches a priest

A young lady approaches a priest and asks him, "Father, what are the Church's views on fellatio?" The priest was confused for a second and replied, "I'd love to tell you, but unfortunately, I do not know what fellatio is." The lady demonstrates and the priest is slightly taken aback.


A f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad approaches Timmy, "Son, did you push the outhouse over?".

Timmy: "No dad! It wasn't me!".

Dad: "Let me tell you a story. Years ago George Washington's dad asked him if he cut down the cherry tree. George Washington said, 'I cannot tell a lie', and admitted to cutting down the tree. His father was proud of him and didn't punish him."

Timmy: "O...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

3 men stranded in a desert approached by a genie

One of them is smart, one a sugar addict, and one stupid one.

a slide appears in front of them and the genie says whatever they say as they go down it will be what they land in.

The smart on goes down, and yells "water", and lands in a big pool of fresh, clean water.

Then the su...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar.

“Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

A man was walking down the streets when another man approached him.

"WOW IS THAT YOU JOE YOU CHANGED A LOT, YOUR HAIR CHANGED A LOT JOE YOUR EYES CHANGED A LOT JOE EVEN YOUR FACE CHANGED A LOT JOE ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW MUCH PEOPLE CAN CHANGE IN THE COURSE OF A YEAR JOE?" The approaching man shouted. The other man replied with "My name isn't Joe..." So the other guy ...

A man approaches a beautiful woman at the bar.

He says "Excuse me - I have a magic watch and right now it's telling me you aren't wearing any underwear"

She laughs and says "well it's not very good then, because I certainly am!"

The man looks at the watch and says "Damn, it must be an hour fast!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

What did the Tyrannosaurus Rex feel when it saw the Ankylosaurus approaching?

Ankxiety

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself.....

"May I buy you a cocktail?" He asks

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread!"

A waiter approaches a table of freshly-bobbed Karens.

"Good evening, ladies. Is *anything* alright?"

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went home with aspirin and approached his wife.

The wife was surprised and said, "But I don't have a headache?!"

the husband then said, "Then let's fuck."

Two beautiful women approached me at the bar and asked if I’d be interested in a threesome. I had to decline...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I’d just go out to dinner with my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

An irate lady approached me today at the hospital

I had just finished taking care of one of my patients and had moved to the next patient, when this lady ran up to me.

“How dare you give my son a shot?!” she exclaimed, gesturing rudely at me.

“Uhhh...” I said, confused. “Well I asked your son if there was anything I could get him for ...

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”

Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ''Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have s...

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...



... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.

“I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where t...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

A boy asked a girl in a library if he can sit beside her

The girl shouted "NO, I DON'T WANNA SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everybody stared at the boy while he sat somewhere else.

The girl then approached the guy a while later and said "I study psychology, so I know when a man is going to flirt"

The boy shouted "$300 FOR A NIGHT, THAT'S ...

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?

Because it was a safety pin!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the dentist.

A man goes to the dentist. The dentist tells him he is going to remove a few teeth and will give him some gas to numb the pain. Suddenly the man exclaimed that he hates gas and won't do it. So the dentist tries a different approach. He tries an injection but again the man exclaimed that he is scared...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old priest is walking along, when two guys approach him. One of the men asks:

“Excuse me father, I have a question. Have you ever seen a group of nuns who were all three feet tall?”

The priest replies that he’s never seen such a thing. The man then asks “OK, but have you ever heard of a group of nuns who were all three feet tall?”

The priest again says that he’s...

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help...

Follow the dog and you’ll get a free purse or wallet

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

A young man frantically runs up to a nun.

The young man says, "Please sister, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!"

The nun replies, "if it's really so important, I suppose it's alright. Just keep your eyes closed while you're under there."

The young man climbs under the nun's skirt. Just a few moments later, two s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

The boomers' approach to healthcare is better than millennials'

Just compare the average age of death for both

Once, a prince..

..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"


The farmer replied, "No, bu...

Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop on his way to work. The officer approaches his window and says "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know where I am"

God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."

Used to this, Peter nodded.

The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to t...

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

What do you say when a mugger or a beautiful girl suspiciously approaches you?

I don’t have any money.

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

A priest and a bus driver die and approach the pearly gates.

They approach St Peter, who says that the bus driver can get into heaven, but the priest has to go to hell.

'Why do I have to go to hell but the driver can go to heaven?' the priest asks, bewildered. 'I have devoted my whole life to God!'

'Because,' replies St Peter, 'when you read the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

A beautiful girl approached me

A beautiful girl approached me and told me that i was handsome and that I would look more attractive if I bought sponges she was selling.

I have never been so insulted in my life. To think that I would fall for such an act. I just just stand here laughing thinking how ridiculous it is while I...

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. "Mality, mality, mality, mality," he says.

"Okay, now that you have the four malities out of the way, what would you like to drink?" the bartender asks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

After a rewatch of Harry Potter, a mother approaches her son and asks...

- Sweetie, who's the actress that plays Hermione again?

- Emma.

- Emma what, son?

- Exactly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

The rockets were approaching...

So Iran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

Ghosted

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn'...

A bear walks into a bar...

He approaches the barman


Bear: "Can I have a pint..................................... and a packet of crisps?"

Barman: "Of course, but what's with the big pause?"

Bear: "IM A BEAR!!"

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

A man approaches a woman at a bar and says “what’s your number?” She says “mmm I don’t think so.” Five minutes later the man approaches again and again asks “what’s your number?” Woman gives the same response. Five minutes later the man goes up a third time and asks “what’s your number?”

The woman says “fine, if I give you my number will you leave me alone?!?”

The man says “looks like your number’s 3” and walks away

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A man catches a cab in a new city

A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.

Man asks what’s going on?
Cab driver responds “oh don’t worry, my brother always runs through red lights.”

They keep going, and the cab driver doesn’t e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Jews are in a Nazi concentration camp

The Nazi officer approaches the first Jew and asks him, "How high can you jump?"

"One metre" he replies.

"Not bad", says the Nazi officer and gives him some bread and water.

He then asks the second Jew the same question. The second Jew says he can jump two metres high.

"V...

Two elderly widows, Dolores and Mary, met at a restaurant after a heavy rain.

Both were smokers, but they arrived drenched from head to toe. Dolores noticed that Mary’s cigarette was still dry because it had a covering. Dolores said "Mary, what's that on your cigarette?" Mary responded "It's a condom. I buy them at the drugstore to keep my cigarettes dry on rainy days." D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

Two men were walking through the woods...

when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

A news reporter visits a hen about a huge egg she laid

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! Do you have any goals for the future?” “Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the future?” The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

Homeless dude approached me on the street...

and said, "Do you have a dollar for a sandwich?"

I said, "Show me the sandwich."

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not happy

A man is driving his car when he's suddenly distracted. He doesn't notice the car in front of him stopping and rear ends it. The door opens and to his surprise a dwarf jumps out and approaches the car to assess the damage. The dwarf starts shaking his head saying: "I'm not happy. You bet your ass I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first Christmas and the first of the three wise men slowly approached the stable and gingerly crossed over the threshold into a big pile of horse crap...

Looking down at his gold slippers he let out a shriek---" Je-sus Christ!"

The woman at the manger turned to her companion and said,"Joseph,that's a better name for the kid than Irving."

A man approached a priest.

Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?

Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"

Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter is having lunch in a park in Manchester...

She sees a child playing, when all of a sudden a large angry dog bounces towards the child, picking the child up and shaking it..

All of a sudden a teenage lad runs towards them, wresting the child from certain death and in the process kills the Savage dog.

The Reporter sensing a gre...

Yesterday, a homeless man approached me while I was checking the mail...

He said, "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I haven't eaten in nearly two days. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to give me a dollar or two?" I told him that I only had large bills. He said, "Hell, I'll take one of those!" So I looked through what I had in my hand, and I gave him my elect...

A man walks into a bar and approaches a woman

He asks, "would you sleep with me for $100,000?"
She replies "sure!"
And then he asks "ok, how about $10"?
She says "what kind of girl do you think I am?"
He replies "we already established that, what I am doing now is bargaining"

A man walks into a seafood restaurant carrying a fish under his arm

He approaches the owner of the restaurant and says, “Does your restaurant serve fish cakes?”

The owner responds, “Yes, of course!”

And the man with the fish says, “Good, because it’s his birthday.”

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and their wives are in front of the Pearly Gates...

The first couple approaches St. Peter. He looks in his book and says to the husband, "In life you were so obsessed with money that you married a woman named Penny. I'm sorry, but you won't be able to come in." He gestures towards the elevator down to hell.

The next couple steps up. Peter look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.