Sheikh was talking to his travel agent....

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently....

The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go....

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and spent some days and my wife Razia got
pregnant.......

If light travels faster than sound...

Why did the driver of the BMW behind me sound his horn before the traffic light turned green?

What’s a ghost’s favorite way to travel?

Spirit airlines.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane

I asked my dad, "What do you think of time travel?"

He said, "A waste of time."

The bartender said “Sorry. We don’t serve time travelers.”

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

I was gonna tell you guys a time travel joke

But you guys didn't like it.

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Awwww ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

I posted a really good time travel joke next week.

It blew up!

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

Barkeep: We never serve time travelers, get out.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Do you know why so many people travel to Mount Everest to climb it

It's a great ice breaker

Whats the best pet to take travelling?

A carpet. Im sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

My dad suggested I travel the world discover more about myself.

So I went Seoul searching.

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

Travel trouble

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopo...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

A young man and an elderly woman are travelling by train...

...and the old woman, after looking closely at the young man, leans forward and says "Excuse me, young man, are you Jewish?". And he looks up from the book he is reading and politely replies "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."

A few minutes later the old woman leans forward again and says "Excuse me...

Whenever I travel I like to open a window.

The airline strongly disagrees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Two tourists were travelling around Europe and had gone to the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?" "The lady behind the counter then said "Buuurrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing."

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A man was travelling in bus with three babies

A woman enquired: do these babies belong to you?

Man: no, i work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pupil was describing to his parents how his teacher went around the world, travelling from place to place but only stopping in sex clubs, dungeons and brothels.

Sir cum-navigated the globe.

Imagine if the entire humanity worked towards discovering time travelling.

We would get it in no time!

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

How do archers travel?

By arrowplane of course.

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

Time Travel

-Ght Now!

What do we want?

Time Travel Jokes!

When do we want them?

Ri-

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?

America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The br...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: "HALT!"

"I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"

Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"

Robin Ho...

Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

An old man was traveling on his donkey's back on a highway

Two cops having seen that decide to mess with him, so they approach the man and say

-Hey, why didn't you fasten your seat belt?

-Well I ain't gonna do that!

-Then we have to fine you.

-Yeah just make it quick I'm in a hurry

-So do you want us to fine you or the don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor is traveling home when he spots a man selling food.

"Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!" Yells the man. The man explains to the pastor that he caught these fish at the local dam, which is why they're named dam fish. The pastor buys one and takes it home to his wife.

When he gets home, he tells his wife to make dinner. "Cook the dam fish!" His ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.

"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.

"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.

"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

The traveling ventriloquist.

So this ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer b...

Photon checks into a hotel

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellboy asks if he can carry it's luggage and the photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on ho...

*Me after travelling 6 out of the 7 continents of the world*

\*Points to the last remaining continent on the globe\*
"Europe next."

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

A vampire traveling 1.852 km/h on a boat

Knotsferatu

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

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