The 112+ Best Travel Jokes

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel

Imagine living in the Milky Way

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.

When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.

To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and...

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.

They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

A time traveler walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

"Why the hell not?" he asks.

"We don't serve *any* time travelers here," the bartender explains, "not since one got stinking drunk and trashed the place four years ago."

"Four years ago, you say..."

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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A mother and son are traveling together on the Northern Pacific railroad.

The boy says, "Mommy, if big cows can have little cows and big horses can have little horses and big people can have little people, then why can't big trains have little trains?"

"That's a good question. You should ask the engineer that question."

So the boy goes all the way up to the ...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she w...

If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train.

The accounta...

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

I am going to travel to Prague.

Gotta Czech it out.

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[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

I made a time travel joke but no one got it.

I guess it was ahead of its time.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

I subscribed to 'Time Travel' magazine today.

My first issue arrives last week.

Never ever time travel in a shoe factory...

You'll end up causing a pair of docs!

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

My friend is a nonbinary time traveler

Their pronouns are they/then

My father always told me to take the road less travelled

I always thought he was giving me life advice but it turns out he was giving me drunk driving advice.

A young Scotsman travels to America to attend university.

One day, while chatting with his mother over the phone, he admits he is having trouble making friends.

"The people 'ere er strange, Mam." he says. "Ah get mean looks in the 'allways, 'n Ah dun know why. Mah upstairs neighbor jumps up 'n down on mah ceilin'. The man 'cross the hall screams 'nc...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

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A traveling salesman walks up to a house.

He knocks on the door, and it’s answered by a 10 year-old boy. The boy is wearing a bra and panties, smoking a cigar, and holding a beer in one hand.

“Woah!” The traveling salesman exclaims, “Kid, are your parents home?”

The boy asks, “What the fuck do you think?”

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professo...

I'm going to travel to Prague

Once there, I will enter a bank, and cover the floor with trampolines.

They'll have to deal with a bunch of bouncing Czechs.

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

What do you call a woman who travels to other countries?

Abroad.

Sorry, dad joke. Happy Father's Day!

Did you hear that fruit will never travel to Australia?

Yeah! Fruit won't, but veggie might!

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

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Sex with your wife is like traveling by train...

Nothing comfortable, but you will get where you need to.

A man was always travelling by plane everywhere. Because of that, he spent so much time on airports he developed an illness.

It was terminal.

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

This is the first year I’m not going to travel because of covid

Normally it’s because I’m poor

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A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk:

“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storef...

Time travel is possible!

The United States just traveled back 50 years!

I wanted to make a joke about time travel

But no matter how far back I go there’s a repost already

A photon was traveling along a highway at the speed of light.

The BMW driver on its tail was furious that they couldn't pass it.

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

Two 81 year old women travelled the world

Two 81 year old women travelled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes.

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel....

It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.

I decided to travel to the US.

At the Embassy for the visa interview...

Officer : Where to in the US?

Me : San Jose

Officer : It's pronounced as San Hosay. J is pronounced as H in the US.

Me : Oh, okay!

Officer : So how long do you plan to be in the US?

Me : From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.<...

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

3 Moles are traveling underground.

Daddy mole leading the way, followed by Momma and Baby mole.

Suddenly, Daddy mole stops, sniffs, and says, "MMM, I smell clover."

A few yards further Momma mole stops, sniffs, and says, "Ahhh, I smell honey."

After a few more minutes Baby mole has had enough. He yells towards t...

How does a narcissist travel around the world?

They don't. The world revolves around them.

Why did the Siamese twins travel to England?

So the other one could drive.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

In 1946, Winston Churchill travelled to Fulton, Missouri.

He was there to deliver a speech and to present at the dedication of a bust in his honour.

After his speech, an attractive and ample woman approached the wartime Prime Minister of England and said, "Mr. Churchill, I have travelled over a hundred miles for the unveiling of your bust."

C...

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I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

I had a joke about a time traveler I knew

But they stole it and now the joke is old already.

Time Traveler

A time traveler shows up in Manhattan and asks the nearest person what year it is. The person responds, “2023 of course.”

The time traveler looks up at the sky and mumbles, “Ah yes, the first year of the Balloon Wars.”

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

You know why Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for that census?

Because he never entered her as his wife.

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

German tourists are travelling to USSR for the first time

They decide to go by train to see the scenery. After few hours the train stops. The train just stands there for 4 hours without any sign of moving. Eventually one of the Germans approaches the conductor and asks, what is happening:

''The driver is exchanging the locomotive''

''For 4 ho...

Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

It’s not true that air travel has become a circus.

Circuses may feature the same level of animal cruelty, sadness and clowns as air travel, but circuses actually start on time.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

Why did the statistician always take a bomb with him when he traveled by plane?

He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.

For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland crash?

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

What can you say to cheer up a time traveller?

"The past is yet to come."

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

An American man is traveling in Sweden. NSFW

He goes to the local bar one night and picks up a tall, beautiful Swedish lady. They go back to his hotel and start making out. They French kiss deeply, he pulls back and says “In America, we call that a Strawberry Sundae!” She responds “Yah, shuure, vee do too.”

He proceeds to undress her a...

A tourist is traveling abroad in Europe

She sees two guys on the street and asks them in English how to get back to her hotel. After seeing the confused looks on their faces, she asks them again but in German. Again, they give no response. As they look at each other in confusion, she tries one last time in Spanish. They remain silent as t...

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A nomad was traveling through the desert with his camal.

After weeks of traveling all alone the man got very lonely and his camel began to look more appealing.
Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and decided he was going to fuck his camel.
No one was around and no one will ever know, he thought to himself.

That evening he got ready, dropp...

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery

He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.

Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"

Bishop: "????? ......"

Monk: " .... but then we a...

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

I don't get what's so funny about time travel jokes

when you first have to read them.

I think my wife is a time traveler

I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.

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