I was going to post a joke about time travel

But you guys didn't like it

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

Light travels faster than sound.....

Which is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''

​

The ot...

If I could time travel

I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

A photon checks into a hotel

When asked if he wanted help with his bags, he said, "No, it's ok, I'm traveling light"

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?

Because they literally can’t even.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

Why do Stalinist KGB Agents travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What kind of eels can travel on land?

Wheels.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

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Two brothers travel across country.

Two brothers Jon and Dave from Newfoundland (Island off the east coast of Canada) decide to travel to Alberta to find work. The day they were ready to leave Dave began to have second thoughts.

Dave: “what’s wrong?”

Jon: “ I don’t think I can go, I’ll miss the ocean to much, get homesi...

What is full of holes and travels down an alley?

Batmans parents.

I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

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I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

How do flat earthers travel the world?

on a plane.

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

The bartender pours him a beer

A time traveler walks into the bar

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

But the time traveler didn’t get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

A Buddhist monk travels to New York..

He then craves for food , finally ending up in a confectionery .He chooses donut and then takes it to the counter.
The monk ask s the shop keeper the price of the donut.
The owner said $7.85.
The monk handed the keeper $10 note. After taking the dollar the keeper started attending other cus...

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Why didn't the time traveller ask the girl out?

Because he doesn't like no for an answer.

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

How did the Asian travel back in time?

He used his Thai machine

NBC is developing a reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

The finale isn’t a cliffhanger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains

He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.

He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, ...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

How did Huckleberry Finn travel down the Mississippi?

He took the Twain

Travel

Ladies dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman has to travel to Pittsburg for work...

When he gets to the ticket line at the airport, he is caught by how beautiful, and voluptuous, the desk clerk is.
She asks “can I help you?”
And he stammers out “one picket to titsburg please!”
Embarrassed, he apologizes, corrects himself, and gets his ticket.
For the next three days he’...

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"

Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japa...

How do Rabbits travel?

By Hareplane!

Figured out a safer way to travel

I’m carrying my own home made bomb with me now.
Chances of having TWO bombs on a plane are much lower!

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

It was ahead of its time.

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A migrant caravan travels to Venezuela by mistake

A migrant caravan travels to Venezuela by mistake.

The Bolivar is inflating at 80,000%, people are butchering zoo animals for food, the oil refineries are falling apart, the roads are covered in trash.

The migrant leader asks one of the guards, "What happened here?"

The guard fr...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

Why did the Helsinki-based executive travel for work?

He had some un-Finnish business.

A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return, he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally, r/jokes still exists


He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to, he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't ge...

I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most lovin...

What does lice travel with?

Pubic transport

A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.

They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.

The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

A journalist travels to a village to interview a shepherd.

There, he finds him standing in a field, watching over a herd of white and black sheep mixed together. He greets the shepherd then begins the interview.

\-"How much fur can you get out of these sheep" \- the journalist inquires.

\-"Which ones the white sheep or the black ones?"

...

Why did the blonde travel abroad with her boyfriend to beat him?

Cause at that point, it isn't domestic violence anymore.

I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

“A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont’s”

A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.

The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!

One of the men thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried t...

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Frenchman travel to the jungles of Africa

...and came across a tribe of man eaters that also had a grasp of the English language. The tribe leader expressed that today was a good day for the trio as the tribe had defeated an enemy tribe, had finished feasting and were preparing to celebrate so they had the option of offering a body part for...

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns...

3 men set out to travel across the desert

3 men are traveling across the desert and decide they’ll all only take one item to travel light. Man 1 is carrying a canteen, man 2 is carrying a lunch box, and man 3 is carrying just the door from his car.
Man 2 asks man 1 “what’s in your canteen?” He says “water. We get about a mile through thi...

An Italian man travels to the Caribbean

An Italian man saved up his money and after many years he finally had enough money to attain his lifelong dream, traveling to the tropics of Central America. He explored many different towns and beaches as he traveled around the beautiful land. But in one place he found a beach that was disgusting a...

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

A magician discovers time travel

A magician pulls out a sledgehammer and asks for a volunteer. A guy comes up and the magician says, "I want you to hit me in the head with this sledgehammer." So the volunteer picks the sledgehammer up and swings it down into the magician's head. The magician wakes up in a hospital bed three years l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American hippie travels abroad to Germany

and decides to find a hostel to stay in. After a long search, he finally finds a small place, with no one but the host staying there. He rents a room, heads upstairs, and begins unpacking his things while also packing a joint. Once he’s all finished, he sits back on the bed and starts to smoke. Just...

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor...

What travels around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

How does Neutron travel to different countries?

Free of charge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

Time travel is actually possible!

I'll explain how five minutes ago.

Don't waste your money on drinking, spend money to travel the world...

..and drink while travelling

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

‘I’m sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today’.

‘Oh my god!’ replied Mary, ‘What happened?!’

‘He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout’ said the worker, sadly.

‘That’s terrible! Was it a quick death at least?’ asked Mary.

‘I’m afraid not,’ the worker replied, ‘He got ou...

So this lady has a husband who travels a lot on work

She is worried about her safety, being alone at home all the time, and she decides to get herself a guard dog.
She goes to the kennel and asks for the most ferocious dog they have.
“That would be Mike Tyson” says the kennel owner. He goes out back and returns with a tiny little pug trotting ...

How fast does light travel?

I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

What’s Red and Green and Travels At 100MPH?

A frog in a blender.

Me: I want to travel

Bank Account: Where? To work?

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a meeting by train...

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a congress by train

the economists all buy a ticket, the mathematicians buy a single ticket for their whole group

when the conductor comes around, the economists all show their respective tickets

the mathematicians on...

I was going to post a time-travel joke

But 100 people are going to repost it before I get chance