Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

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Do you like sex and travel?

fuck off

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane!

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

Light travels faster than sound...

... Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I was going to post a joke about time travel

But you guys didn't like it

Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

If light does indeed travel faster than sound...

Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green?

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Time Travel

-Ght Now!

What do we want?

Time Travel Jokes!

When do we want them?

Ri-

"What all do I need to travel to Europe?" A young woman asked a Travel Agent.

"Basically, a Passport and Visa."

"The Passport isn't a problem but do you think they'll take Master Card?"

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

My jokes travel faster than light.

I bet you didn't c that coming.

Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even

An Australian asks a travel agent what's the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.

"I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back? Very well, I've always wanted to see the world's tallest building." He packs his bag, wakes up at 6, rushes to the airport, takes off at 9, crosses Pacific 14 hours nonstop, runs to his connection, flies 10 more hours and never slept a wink cause of ...

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How is shaving your dick and balls like time travel for roosters?

It turns an old cock into tender meat and eggs.

Happy Father's Day!

If I could time travel

I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

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A man travels to Spain for vacation and decides to go into a restaurant.

After sitting there for a while trying to decide what to eat, he sees a waiter bring out a bowl of soup to the table next to him.
He tells his waiter "I'll have what he's having"
The waiter politely explains "that is the bull testicle soup and we only serve it once a day after the big bull f...

A photon checks into a hotel

When asked if he wanted help with his bags, he said, "No, it's ok, I'm traveling light"

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

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Two brothers travel across country.

Two brothers Jon and Dave from Newfoundland (Island off the east coast of Canada) decide to travel to Alberta to find work. The day they were ready to leave Dave began to have second thoughts.

Dave: “what’s wrong?”

Jon: “ I don’t think I can go, I’ll miss the ocean to much, get homesi...

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

Why do Stalinist KGB Agents travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

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I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,

"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

What is full of holes and travels down an alley?

Batmans parents.

What kind of eels can travel on land?

Wheels.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

The bartender pours him a beer

A time traveler walks into the bar

But the time traveler didn’t get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .

What do you get when you travel to the Atlantic Ocean on a ship?

About half-way.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

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An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

A Buddhist monk travels to New York..

He then craves for food , finally ending up in a confectionery .He chooses donut and then takes it to the counter.
The monk ask s the shop keeper the price of the donut.
The owner said $7.85.
The monk handed the keeper $10 note. After taking the dollar the keeper started attending other cus...

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

Why didn't the time traveller ask the girl out?

Because he doesn't like no for an answer.

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

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[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"

Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japa...

How did the Asian travel back in time?

He used his Thai machine

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

How did Huckleberry Finn travel down the Mississippi?

He took the Twain

NBC is developing a reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

The finale isn’t a cliffhanger.

How do Rabbits travel?

By Hareplane!

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

It was ahead of its time.

I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

I love to travel, I travel as much as I can...

People hate playing basketball with me.

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return, he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally, r/jokes still exists


He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to, he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't ge...

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A salesman has to travel to Pittsburg for work...

When he gets to the ticket line at the airport, he is caught by how beautiful, and voluptuous, the desk clerk is.
She asks “can I help you?”
And he stammers out “one picket to titsburg please!”
Embarrassed, he apologizes, corrects himself, and gets his ticket.
For the next three days he’...

A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.

They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.

The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

Where did mr Anderson go? Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he vanished into Finnair

Why did the Helsinki-based executive travel for work?

He had some un-Finnish business.

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.

The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!

One of the men thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried t...

A journalist travels to a village to interview a shepherd.

There, he finds him standing in a field, watching over a herd of white and black sheep mixed together. He greets the shepherd then begins the interview.

\-"How much fur can you get out of these sheep" \- the journalist inquires.

\-"Which ones the white sheep or the black ones?"

...

What does lice travel with?

Pubic transport

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American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most lovin...

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor...

Time travel is actually possible!

I'll explain how five minutes ago.

I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

“A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont’s”

An Italian man travels to the Caribbean

An Italian man saved up his money and after many years he finally had enough money to attain his lifelong dream, traveling to the tropics of Central America. He explored many different towns and beaches as he traveled around the beautiful land. But in one place he found a beach that was disgusting a...

How does Neutron travel to different countries?

Free of charge

3 men set out to travel across the desert

3 men are traveling across the desert and decide they’ll all only take one item to travel light. Man 1 is carrying a canteen, man 2 is carrying a lunch box, and man 3 is carrying just the door from his car.
Man 2 asks man 1 “what’s in your canteen?” He says “water. We get about a mile through thi...

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Frenchman travel to the jungles of Africa

...and came across a tribe of man eaters that also had a grasp of the English language. The tribe leader expressed that today was a good day for the trio as the tribe had defeated an enemy tribe, had finished feasting and were preparing to celebrate so they had the option of offering a body part for...

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns...

A magician discovers time travel

A magician pulls out a sledgehammer and asks for a volunteer. A guy comes up and the magician says, "I want you to hit me in the head with this sledgehammer." So the volunteer picks the sledgehammer up and swings it down into the magician's head. The magician wakes up in a hospital bed three years l...

What travels around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

Don't waste your money on drinking, spend money to travel the world...

..and drink while travelling

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

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