I always find maths jokes divisive but sometimes they add up

My main take away is that you have to move with the times

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

How do you add up a mountain?

You summit.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

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A man stops 2 friends and I leaving a bar...

A man stopped 2 of my friends and I as we left a bar one night.

He ran up to us eagerly but quickly pulled a knife out and began threatening us.

He said “If you’re dick sizes don’t add up to 21 inches exactly, I’m going to kill you all right here”

Me, being the leader that I a...

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Three men, called Joe, Barry and Donald, were walking through some wild lands.

They were suddenly captured by some tribal people who turned out to be cannibals. Somehow they conveyed to these cannibals that they didn't want to be eaten. The cannibals conferred for a bit and decided that they'll let the men go on one condition. They told them that they can go if the individual ...

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working.

It just doesn’t add up.

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So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re...

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A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.

“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.

“What?” the older brother asks.

“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.

His brother then freak out and says: “What...

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

Math jokes never work on me

I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

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A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy are riding in a car.

They get pulled over for speeding and the cop tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.

So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.

Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.

They then measure the Asian g...

A new bar owner

A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience.

One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar.

The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man ...

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Three buddies get pulled over.

One day Joe, Craig and Mike were booze cruising around when they get pulled over by the police. After Joe failed the sobriety test the officer said 'well boys I'm feeling generous tonight and if all your penises add up to 18" I'll let you go'.
The three decide that it's a fair bet so Mike says he...

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Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Suddenly the 3 men are surrounded by a group of natives and quickly escorted back to the tribal leader.

The tribal leader says "in order to survive you must pass a test. If the total length of your penises doesn't add up...

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

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An African, an Indian and a Chinese...

were hiking in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of savages. All tied up and about to be killed the chief told them the only way he'll let them go is if their dicks add up to 20 inches in length. The African whips his out and and it's an impressive 11 inches, the Indian pulls his out...

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it...

Woman: How old would you say I am?

Woman: How old would you say I am?
Man: Hmmm... Judging by your eyes, I'd say 25, your skin, 20, and your body, 18.
Woman: Wow. You really know how to seduce a ...
Man: (interrupting) Hold on a sec while I add up these numbers.

Testing

I'm testing how long jokes need to be to be tagged "long."

People say that it has more to do with paragraphs than words or anything, but someone just told me that it is posts over 450 characters.

You can downvote if you want, but I can't think of a better way to test this.

I've ...

Little Johnny and his pet.

Dad walks by little johnny's room and hears "how much is 5 plus 5?"
He walks in and asks little johnny "why are you talking to your rabbit?"
Johnny says: "This one is stupid, the teacher told me that rabbits can multiply very fast but this one can't even add up"

I wanted to be a Math teacher.

But in the end it just didn't add up.

What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

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Three men get stranded on an island...

A black man, a white man, and an Asian man. The natives say that they will row them off the island if all of there flasid penis lenths add up to 10in. First the black man walks up and measured out to 5in. The white man walks up and reads 4 inches. The Asian man walks up and reads 1 inch.
The nati...

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A 5th grade teacher is found dead in the basement of an elementary school...

... and the police hire a detective to find out who murdered her. After doing some research he concludes the murder must have taken place between 1 and 3 pm that day. One of the suspects is the first grade teacher. The detective asks him what he was doing between 1 and 3 pm that day.

The tea...

Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator?

Because they all add up!

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