UPJOKE
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Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

What do you call a redditor that's not allowed to be near kids?

A predditor

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, โ€œMy car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?โ€

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the so...

Three Ducks Were Swimming & Playing Near The Shore Of A Lake

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies "My name is Raymond, and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response "My name is Nandy and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" He as...

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.ย 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

What does a near sighted gynecologist have in common with a dog?

A wet nose.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I love living near a university.

The women never get older.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, โ€œIโ€™ll give y...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

One sunny day, Father Ted is driving his car down a small country road, when he suddenly spots a nun waiting at a bus stop. Always one to lend a helping hand, he pulls over and offers her a lift.

The young nun thanks him, puts her luggage in the trunk, and sits down in the passenger seat next to the priest.

The poor priest canโ€™t believe his eyes when he turns to introduce himself to the nun. She is amazingly beautiful, and for once, the priest is lost for words.

โ€œHello, Iโ€™m sis...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

โ€œIs my darling wife here with me?โ€

โ€œYes, love.โ€

โ€œAnd is my son here, in the bedroom with me?โ€

โ€œYes Father, Iโ€™m here.โ€
...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasnโ€™t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

My wife and I were riding our bikes near the beach and I caught her checking out some ladies sunbathing.

I guess she's a bi-cyclist.

A woman walks into a shop and tells the clerk she's looking for a new bag.

The clerk says "Right this way--we've got a great selection."

The woman picks out a bag, the clerk takes it to the counter and looks it over before saying "Great choice...and a bargain at ยฃ50. Very spacious too; you'll be able to fit nearly anything in here."

"Why this wallet fits," th...

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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Paddy's last will...

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**โ€œOne hundred and fifty pounds!โ€ sheโ€™d shout. โ€œNo! Five pounds!โ€ he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. Sheโ€™d...

My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen.

And now, the end is near.

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender โ€œIโ€™ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

โ€œOy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! Itโ€™s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!โ€

โ€œHeyโ€ - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and weโ€™re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: โ€œSoldier, do you have change for a dollar?โ€

Soldier: โ€œSure, buddy.โ€

Officer: โ€œThatโ€™s no way to address an officer! Now, letโ€™s try it again!โ€

Officer: โ€œSoldier. Do you have change for a dollar?โ€

Soldier: โ€œNo, SIR!โ€

A woman's out golfing and she accidentally hits her ball through the window of a house near the golf course

She goes up to see if anyone's home and through the window she sees a man standing behind the shattered glass holding her golf ball in one hand and an old oil lamp in the other.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've broken your window. I can pay for it."

The man looks at the lamp, looks at her an...

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

Once apon a time, there was a family of skunks

(Good as a bedtime story for kids)

Once apon a time in a hole on the bank of a river near some woods, lived a family of skunks.

There was mummy skunk and her two babies. And the baby skunks were called In and Out.

One day Out said to Mummy skunk, "Mummy, can In and I go out int...

Line in heaven

A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people
"Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth"

Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO"

The person in front of her s...

Fireman;s hose

So, a fireman comes home from work one day, and says to his wife, "you know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings, and we all get on the trucks".

"So from now on, we're going t...

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

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The clitoris has nearly 8000 nerve endings.

And itโ€™s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

A while ago I did a #trashtag cleanup of all the beverage containers in the local partying spot near an old stream in the hills, and just revisited it.

It looks so much better now that it doesn't even look real.

There's something that's almost artificial about it, it's so pristine.

It just looked a little... off, and it was hard to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually I realized why.

It was the uncanny valley effect.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

AK-74 rifle for sale

Near mint condition. Never fired dropped once near Izium.

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

A poor little kid was playing on her own near a big mansion.

She was completely naked. Suddenly, a man came out of the house and gave her $200 and said, "Please, buy some clothes with this."

The little kid got super excited and ran back to her mother and showed her the money. The woman thought, "Wow, they gave a kid $200 for clothes! If I stand there n...

Lawyers asking questions

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded,

\- "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were ...

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

As Jesus hangs from the crossโ€ฆ

he calls down to Peter, โ€œPeter come to me, I have something I need to tell youโ€. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. โ€œPeter come to me, I have something...

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

โ€œYou know, Lauren, Iโ€™ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didnโ€™...

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

A Englishman walks into a bar...

He walks over to two women sitting near the bar and says, "Are you two ladies from England?"

"Wales.", replies the one woman.

So the man says, "Pardon me, are you two whales from England?"

A new magazine store opened near me.

They have so many issues.

A guy married a girl who lived in a village, near his town.

As her dad was a landlord and wanted someone to look after the assets, the guy moved into their house. After roaming around in the village in search of something entertaining, he came across a bunch of middle aged guys. He asked them, "Why isn't there anything for entertainment in this village ?". O...

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

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I like my sex the way I like my pickpocketing.

Nowhere near security cameras.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks โ€œtell me, Watson, what do you observe?โ€

Watson replies โ€œit is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

A man is praying to god

Man:god I have a few questions,how do you perceive time?

God:you see 10 million years to me is nearly a minute

Man:and what about money

God:10 million euroโ€™s to me is just a cent

Man:okay can I have a cent?

God:yeah just a minute

The LEGO Museum was hit by an earthquake.

Many were devastated that nearly all of the brick sculptures were destroyed,

but the staff were able to pick up the pieces and move on.

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Thereโ€™s a circus in town

Thereโ€™s a new circus in town and during the first show the announcer threw a challenge at the audience:

โ€œThis is our new elephant Manny, whoever can make him sit wins 1000 dollars! Anyone want to try?โ€

A few people put their hands up and tried but no one could accomplish this task, unt...

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

I've never been married

But I've had a few near Mrs.

Mr. Smith worked as an account manager for a company for over 30 years.

He never missed a day's work and you could set your watch to his arrival time. 9:00am without fail. Then one day he enters the office at 9:45 all disheveled with a black eye, bloody lip, and torn jacket clutching papers and a broken briefcase. His boss was visibly shaken and asked him what happen...

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasnโ€™t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

The Emperor Augustus is out on a walkabout near the the Palace when he notices a man who bears a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, the Emperor asks the man 'Did your mother ever work in service at the Palace?'

'No, your highness' replies the man 'but my father did'

A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.

After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a wh...

A multi-millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass

A millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass in a pasture near the road. Perturbed, he stopped his car and got out to check on her. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked her.

โ€œI am very poor and do not have any money, so I have to eat grassโ€œ the lady replied.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

Two prawns...

..Justin and Kristian were swimming around in the ocean, continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being ea...

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Preacher

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached loudly, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several jerks and circles, a little girl i...

I have very nearly signed up for Danish language classes

I just need to dot the A's and cross the O's

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

stalin is in a huge auditorium giving a speech,

when from somewhere near the front of the crowd comes a DEAFENING sneeze, cutting him off. In a booming voice Stalin asks, "WHO DID THAT?"

No reply.

Stalin orders the entire front row to be taken outside and executed. Thereafter he continues his speech, until another ear-splitting ACHO...

I found myself at a growler the other night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

Someone had laced my drink

A street near Buckingham palace is being renamed to โ€œPrince Andrewโ€™s Closeโ€

Itโ€™s not honorary, itโ€™s a warning.

With lockdown 3 nearly upon us...

I saw a guy with 12 cases of San Miguel, 5 Paellas and 7 Sombreros. I think Hispanic buying.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview. The interview is nearing the end and going great when the interviewer asked the man โ€œwhat do you think your biggest weakness would be?โ€

Man: โ€œmy biggest weakness? Well I guess Iโ€™d have to say my honesty.โ€

Interviewer: โ€œyour honesty? I donโ€™t think you bein...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An Imam, Rabbi and Priest die in plane crash.

When they each meet their God, it is explained to them that this was a big mistake. Each one is given the opportunity to return to Earth in whatever form they choose.

The Imam says: "I've always greatly admired the Eagle, soaring so effortlessly on the wind. Poof! He is an Eagle riding therma...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

Woman with kid on a bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus d...

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

An elderly lady & her husband get pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky

Officer: โ€œmaโ€™am do you know why I pulled you over?โ€

Lady to her husband: โ€œWHATโ€™D HE SAY??โ€

Man: โ€œHE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!โ€

Lady to the cop: โ€œOH. No!โ€

Officer: โ€œwell maโ€™am you were going well over the speed limit.โ€

Lady to her husband: โ€œWHATโ€™D ...

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

So there's this matchstick climbing up

On the hill. And it's all sweaty because it's exhausted. Nearly at the top of the hill, there is a hedgehog walking by and the matchstick goes

"Ohh! If only I had known there was a bus, I would have taken the bus."

"An early human" and "A nearly human" are spelled the same except for how you use the space bar.

They never thought of that, which makes us superior.

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

3 men are standing on a cliff near the ocean.

Suddenly, a genie appears and says: "I can turn you into anything you want, if you jump off this cliff. Just say what you want to transform into after jumping, and I will work my magic."

The first man jumps, and shouts:

"Seagull!"

He then transforms into a seagull, and flies awa...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

Coming to a mulberry bush near you..

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "what'll you have"?
"Pop" goes the weasel.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

I organized a dozen professional boxers to stand in a row and hit anyone that got near them

That was my best punchline ever

I damn near had a threesome last night...

Just needed 2 more people.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A blonde gets on a plane

A blonde woman gets on a plane headed to New York City.

As she boards the plane the flight attendant points to her seat near the back of the plane.

As she is boarding though she thinks to herself, โ€œIโ€™m awesome and I deserve to be in first classโ€. So she takes one of the seats up front....

An old man.....

An old man limped into a doctors office and said, "Doctor, my left knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor, slowly eyed him from head to toe, and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"

The old man replied that he was 98.

The doctor, just sighed, and said to the old man, "Sir, ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, โ€žif there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peaceโ€œ. The rancher answers โ€žsure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit onโ€œ
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

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