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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

Abram is coming home in grief and despair

His wife is asking what happened
\- *Oy vey iz mir!* \- he tells her - So much spending! So much money I am going to lose! Today our rabbi gave a speech: "For many years we are living among Russians but they still don't like us. And we don't even know why. I gave it many a thought and decided...

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

My wife told me she was coming home at 9pm but came back at 5pm and caught me with another girl

Should I forgive her for her lie ?

A boy is coming home from a party ...

On the way home , he has to go past a graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .

The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it...

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Li...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

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Coming home drunk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoe...

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

I saw my wife coming home with two big grocery bags, so I shouted "Hold on, honey, you don't have to carry both bags."

Then I added: "Why don't you go twice?"

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A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the...

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

Coming home from work

I walked into my home to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall it said “We have your wife, if you need to see her alive again it will cost you $100,000, do not call the police, we are very determined, await a phone call.
They really are determined I have36 missed calls from them.

Two women are coming home from a long night out

They're half way home when they both suddenly really need the toilet so they go in some bushes just outside an old graveyard. They have nothing to wipe with so the first one uses her underwear and the second one grabs a wreath from nearby.

The next night the two husbands are drinking in a bar...

*On phone* Wife: Fancy coming home for a quickie?

Husband: It's pronounced "quiche"

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

Imagine coming home to your girl in bed, you tell her joke.....

Then boom, the man under the bed starts laughing too.

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

4 Soldiers were coming home from a huge battle

As they were walking back to their base, one of the soldiers says,

"Oh man, that was the toughest battle of our lives. 4 men against 1,000!"

One of the other soldiers says, "I know right. I can't believe we survived!"

The 3rd soldier says, "I agree with you both. That was the la...

What do you call 50 sailors coming home on a ship?

25 couples.

My Wife is coming home after a week long trip! Guess what i'm getting tonight?!...

Yelled at...I'm getting Yelled at!

Instead of coming home from work one Friday afternoon

a man blew his weekly pay cheque by staying out with his friends all weekend and partying. When be finally went home on the Sunday night, his wife was understandably furious. She berated him for over an hour before screaming, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two whole days?'

'A...

10$ glass, $30 worth nuts, $200 for a scotch, coming home to find power went out

Iceless

I used to try and slip into bed quietly, pretending to be asleep after coming home late after a night out with the guys but my wife always woke up...

But I found out that if I come in making as much noise as possible, stumble around a bunch, strip down naked, fall into bed and make obnoxious advances at her, she pretends she's asleep.

Two schoolgirls are coming home from Sunday school one day...

One turns to the other and says, "Do you believe in the devil?"

The other one says, "Don't be silly, of course not, the devil is like Santa; it's only your dad."

–Season one episode two of the BBC's Luther.

****

*http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Luther/70175633

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So a young couple is coming home from a date

And they arrive at her doorstep. They kiss goodnight and it heats up fast. He leans against the wall and says

"Hey babe... how'd you feel about giving me a quick BJ?" She's surprised.

"What? No! what if someone sees!"

"Relax! no one'll see, it's dark out here, it's late, eve...

I hit every traffic light coming home from work today.

I should probably learn how to drive better.

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