Why don't calculus teachers go to bars?

Because they don't want to drink and derive.

The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

Who was the Arab that derived the quadratic formula?

Al Gebra

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

Never drink and derive

You'll integrate something you don't need.

If tea derived from marijuana becomes popular, eventually employees would require...

Pot Tea Training.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

Topograms are words that are derived from a real geographic location, like champagne and sandwich.

Tuxedo is also a topogram, dating from around 1888, the suit is named after Tuxedo Park, a Hudson Valley enclave for New York’s social elite where it was primarily seen in its early years. The area, known for its lavish estates, is too expensive for most people to own a home. Usually they just ren...

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German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

I just donated some money to the maintainers of a Linux distribution derived from Red Hat

\*tips fedora\*

What do you call a school shooting in a math class?

Derive-by

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

Man I really hate calculus.

It just derives me crazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

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What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class

a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.<...

A man flirts with a mathematician

"Imagine you are a variable and your clothes are constants, and then you derive."

"Well, I would be naked but I would also have fewer curves."

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

Our school should start a calculus club

We would all derive fun from it

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

What do mathematicians get at the DMV?

A deriver’s license.

A math teacher went to school drunk...

He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson?

Don't drink and derive

My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework...

... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.

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