There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.

Pun in, ten dead.

A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.

"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!"

A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the onl...

An engineer is walking beside a pond...

..when a frog hops out onto the path and says "Please, sir, I am a beautiful princess. A kiss from you will release me from the evil spell that turned me into a frog!"

The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, and puts it in his pocket.

A commotion ensues in his pocket, and he takes the ...

Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 kph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approa...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

A newlywed couple is about to consummate their marriage. As they started to undress the following conversation ensued:

her: "What happened to your feet?"

him: "Oh don't worry about that, it's just Tollio"

her: "did you mean Polio?"

him: "no it's Tollio, it just affects the toes."

*He then took his pants off and showed some ugly looking knees.*

her: "What happened to your knees?"...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

An ape walks into a bar...

He sits down, and is soon followed by two more apes. Then three walk in, and then four, five, six, and finally a large group of seven walk in. There's clearly not enough room for all of them, so a fight ensues. Eventually the dust clears and and most of the apes leave. The two that came in second, a...

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

A clown puts on their trademark oversized footwear...

Hilarity ensues.

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

A woman goes into her office

She sees 2 of her male co-workers chatting, and one of them makes a joke, they both start laughing.

The woman, who is in a bad mood, thought that they were laughing at her, so she says "Hey, stop that!". The men don't hear them over the sound of their own laughter. The woman then says that if...

Circus in a third world country suburb can be a mess

So the lion tamer was doing his thing when suddenly the lion flips and starts attacking

People freak out, chaos ensues.. the two-week hungry lion runs around the arena. People run for their lives.

A disabled guy gets up on a pole in order to save his life, thinking it might be a good p...

A woman goes to the doctor....

And says to him
Woman: “I keep farting all the time and they’re always silent and don’t smell but I know I’m doing it so what do I do?”
Doctor: “okay. I see the problem try this nasal spray for a week and see how that helps.”
So after a week of the woman using the nasal spray she went back ...

There's this newlywed couple about to spend their first night together

as they were undressing the following conversation ensued:


"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an
awful ...

In a war torn country...

A voice calls out from behind a rock, “one U.S. marine is better than ten enemy soldiers.” The opposing commander sends ten men behind the rock. A lot of gunfire ensues, than silence. A voice calls out from behind the rock, “one U.S. marine is better than 100 enemy soldiers.” The commander sends 100...

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:



One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

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Alien Wife

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap p...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

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In a pub....

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside \[ootside\] and went in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walks in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?

First ...

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.

After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a...

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So a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Black Guy are on an Airplane...

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a black guy are escorting a group of kids on a trip by plane. Mid-way through the flight, the engine malfunctions and the plane begins to crash. They realize there are only two parachutes, and the black guy grabs one and bails immediately. Then the following conversation ensue...

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down behind enemy lines. They are taken to the enemy's headquarters and informed that the POW camp is full so they will be executed immediately, by firing squad. They are taken out to an open space and sat down. Then, one by one, they are to be lined...

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined d...

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home.....

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.

A bit tipsy and feeling *very* intimate, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Silence ensued for just a...

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Hitler at a bar

A man walks into a bar and believes to see Adolf Hitler sitting on a bar stool. The man walks up to the man, and in an unsure tone, asks: Are you Adolf Hitler. At which point the following conversation ensues:

Hitler: Why yes, I am

Man: I thought you were dead!

Hitler: No, my f...

Once, a little boy was born with no arms.

He also had no legs, or even a torso. His parents adored him anyway and completely doted on him.
As he got older they would put him in front of the window and he would watch the other kids run and play in the park across the street. One day a doctor rocked up with radical plan for a whole body tr...

Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)

So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn path...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted it to be made of the finest white marble base with the persian cat made enti...

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My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

A Taliban commander is walking through the mountains with his troops..

Everything is calm and then from behind hill comes a voice "one SAS solider is better than 10 of your men." Excited at the thought of taking out an SAS member, the commander sends 10 of his troops over the hill. After a short period of gun fighting, silence falls. And then again, from behind the hil...

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Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, wha...

Pirate Joke

While out at sea, a first mate runs to the captain and saying "Captain! There are ten enemy ships on the horizon!"

The Captain responds "Aye! Bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts the shirt on and battle ensues. After a few hours, they emerge from the fight victorious. The first mat...

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.

The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"

The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"

Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children...

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

Jacob and the Lottery

Jacob is a well to do Jewish man with a beautiful wife and 3 children. He owns a start-up business that has been doing quite well recently.
However, his business suddenly goes bankrupt and Jacob goes to God for help.

Jacob kneels at the altar and says: "Lord I have always been faithful and...

On a transatlantic flight to Poland...

...the pilot announced on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."

Grumbles ensued but died down.

A while later the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen...

I've got a good joke to use on your friends (works better face to face)

You: I've got a knock knock joke, but you have to start.

Friend: Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

*confusion and bewilderment ensues*

It's funny to see how long it takes them to work out what happened.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.... Let the down-votes ensue :)

Forty years after graduating, four friends from business school decide to have a reunion.

The first three arrive at the same time. As they wait for their fourth friend, they start talking, catching up on the years they missed. All of them have had careers, married, and had children who are themselves having careers.

"My son has been such a successful real estate businessman that h...

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How to Save a Life

Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.

"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. Peo...

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a fire...

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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

Try this on someone

say to them "Ive got a great knock knock joke for you but you have to start"

most likely their response will be "Okay, knock knock"

you then say "Who's there?"

They will usually be terribly confused and a hilarious awkward silence ensues

Dad my mouse isn't working

I've yet to see a mouse with a job.

My computer mouse stopped working 15 minutes ago, A dad joke ensued.

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A handsome man fears he may have an awful terminal illness.

Thinking that if he did indeed have cancer as he suspected, and not really knowing much about how treatment worked, he thought that because he surely would never get laid again after he lost all of his beautiful hair that it would be best if he go to the doctors in one week.


So the man sp...

A man is hanging out with some friends when he gets a phone call

He picks up and goes:

"Don't tell me... No, please don't tell me! Oh God no, please..."

Drama ensues...

"OH NO, don't tell me! Don't please nooo don't tell me!"

The conversation carries on on the same line :

"Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't

He finally ...

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen fein...

A big muscular man walks in a bar...

and says to the bartender, "let me have a beer" in a squeaky girly voice.

The entire bar roars in laughter and embarrassed man leaves.

He returns the next day, orders a beer again in a high pitched voice and everyone starts laughing. He asks the bartender why everyone's laughing.
...

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is no...

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The Autobots had just landed on our green planet.

Optimus tells them to go look for disguises that are suitable so that they can all adequately blend into their new home. Two hours pass and the Autobots reconvene.

Mr Prime: Do you all have suitable disguises?

Company: Yes, Mr Prime.

Mr Prime: Well then, let's see it.

The...

What do you call a red-headed ninja?

A ginja...

Ensue mildly dramatic slow clapping.

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

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A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

A Trooper tries to pull over this guy...

When he just speeds up and a chase ensues, when the trooper finally manages to pull him over, he asks him "didn't you see me trying to pull you over? Why did you take off?" To which the guy responds "sir, a while back my wife ran off with a trooper & I was afraid you're bringing her back"....

Golf course or ...

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."<...

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A tourist is cycling through China...

... and stumbles upon a house when night gathers. He asks if he can stay for the night.

The owner says he'll gladly let him stay for the night under one condition: That the man will **not** touch his daughter.

The man says "pfff, you can trust me" and goes to bed. Later that night he s...

Pirate captain and his clothing

This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "...

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Joe returns home from basic training.

Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced. His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home. After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and...

What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny.

--As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

How to creep out a mortician

How to creep out a mortician.

1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.

2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."

3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."

4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
...

Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.

One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.

Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as...

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