Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers

So far all I have is a 9

Man: Can I have a number 4 with cheese?

Librarian: Sir, this is a library.

Man: Oh, right. Sorry.

Man: (whispers) Can I please have a number 4 with cheese?

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on my hands.

11 times.

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

What's the number one cause of death?

Being alive.

Why is -1 the best number?

It's second to none

What is a dentists favorite number?

2th

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A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

What is a flat earther’s number 1 fear?

Sphere itself.

I’ve been with a number of women throughout my life.

That number is 0.

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

A phone has 8 numbers on it's keypad

When you press 1 it plays a D flat, when you press 2 it plays an E flat, 3 an F, 4 a G Flat, 5 an A Flat, 6 a B flat, 7 a C and 8 a D Flat. This is a dial tonic scale.

What’s the number one use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

What’s the difference between the number 7 and the number 5?

two, idiot

I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

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Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

The number of times I've been without a girlfriend

I could count on one hand.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

I accidently mixed up my letters and numbers today.

I felt like a P year old

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What do you call an anti-Semitic number?

A FiboNazi

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

Think of a number between 1 - 20

Add 45

Multiply by 2

Subtract 1

Now close your eyes
#
#
>!It's dark isn't it?!<

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I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?

That Brazilians have a great aim.

What do sneezes and kids afraid of numbers have in common?

Ahhhh twoooo!

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word.

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

Tired of all the reposts, the admin team decided to number the jokes. So, if anyone wanted to repost, they'd just post the number and take their karma.

A new subscriber comes and watches this, unable to understand. He sees a post with just the number 3771, having 2.1k upvotes. He gets very confused.
So, he decides to make a post of himself. He posts 92075, and he gets 45.6k upvotes. He is intrigued, so much that he messages the mod team and ask...

My laziness is like the number 8!

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

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They say there's safety in numbers..

tell that to 6 million Jews..

A man approaches a woman at a bar and says “what’s your number?” She says “mmm I don’t think so.” Five minutes later the man approaches again and again asks “what’s your number?” Woman gives the same response. Five minutes later the man goes up a third time and asks “what’s your number?”

The woman says “fine, if I give you my number will you leave me alone?!?”

The man says “looks like your number’s 3” and walks away

You’re my number 1

My date: “You’re my number 1.”
Me: (a programmer) Are you zero indexed or one indexed?”

Me: *single*

How many buzzfeed employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

10, but number 5 will shock you!

An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number

String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

The floor number display in the elevator was malfunctioning.

It was wrong on so many levels.

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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

There are a number of things I don't know how to do

1st, I don't know how to count.
5th, I can't make a funny joke.

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If “going number 1” means “taking a pee”

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit.

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

You know what’s really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2

That joke was so bad I can’t even

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

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Want to know a fun fact about my social security number?

It's long and unique, unlike my penis. But like my penis, has never been used by anyone else.

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

Why can't real numbers keep a secret?

Because they're not discreet

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

Two numbers had a fight

69, 70, 71

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

What is the most delicious number?

Three thousand. Or as the Romans said, MMM!

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

My friends, like numbers, fall into two categories

Odd and even?

No... imaginary and irrational.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves ...

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

What number is better than 69?

88, because you get ate twice

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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