I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

A Jewish girl asked for my number



I told her we use names now.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can’t even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

What is DJ Khalids favorite number?

11 because it has another one

Jane Goodall has blocked my number!

Didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

Why is 6.9 the worst number ever?

It’s a 69 interrupted by a period.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

NSFW - The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

A good number of my friends are racist.

Precisely zero - and that is a good number.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

What's your favorite numbering system?

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

What did r/Jokes say when the second number met the first letter?

2 met A.

My teacher asked me if π was a rational number even though she hadn't thought us the concept of rational numbers...

I mean that's just not rational.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

Because it's two gross.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

What did the odd number say when it got confused?

I don't even...

My 12 year old daughter just asked why people find the number 69 so funny.

It’s quite the position to be in.

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one asks for a pint. The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter pint. and so on.
The bartender stops them and pours 2 pints and says "Know your limits"

If you see a flyer on a telephone poll, don't take one of the phome numbers off of it.

It's surely a rip-off.

I found a way to increase the number of steps on my Fitbit

I wore it on the right hand

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

A mathematician was trying to tell jokes about Fibonacci numbers to his friends

It turned out as bad as the last two combined.

With all the Covid-19 numbers increasing in FL, GA, TX, and AL...

I think I'm finally beginning to understand what they mean by "The South will rise again".

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

English puns make me numb.

But Math puns make me number.

Why do teenage girls hang out groups with an odd number of people?

Because they can't even.

I’ve been battling my addiction to the ‘Hokey Cokey’ dance for a number of years now..

It’s been a long and hard challenge, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Why do teenage girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can’t even.

(Best delivered with sass and an eye roll).

How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

I recently walked down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K

It was a trip down memory lane

"Why are you painting numbers on me?", the father asks...

"I'm counting on you", the son replies.

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People say there is safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million jews.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

I saw an upside down number 6, and I thought...

‘That’s odd’

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

There are 70 things that will make a man happy, number 1 the alcohol...

69 the rest.

The amount of bad Coronavirus jokes are starting to reach worrying numbers.

Some scientist claim it might become a pundemic!

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers?

Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers? WHO knew!

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

I once got into a fight with the numbers 1, 3 and 5,

Lets just say it was not an even battle

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

Whats the worst part of squaring a number?

Nothing! There are no negatives!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

What is the average number of inhabitants in a Swedish nursing home?

Can't say, that would be a mean joke.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

People say age is just a number

when it clearly is a word.

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134.”

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

How do you make the number one disappear?

Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!

The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is

working up the courage to go through her purse and get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

What if you were trying to say the number 9,

But Germany said no

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

Kings have numbers in their titles, like III/the Third. How the Sixth King is written?

Viking.

I lent a girl an unbrella today

Which takes the total number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop jokes aren't my favorite....

But they're a solid number two.

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

A son tells his dad that the number of Coronavirus cases has reached 200,000

The dad replies:

"Oh 400,000 cases of Coronavirus, huh? Did you know that over 60 million people get the flu every year? 800,000 cases isn't so much in the big scheme of things- When 2.8 million people are dying from obesity every year- why should I give a damn about 1.6 million cases?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which specie is the most in number in a zoo?

Homosapiens

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?

No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky.

Why do British hate the Prime numbers?

Because they can't be divided

Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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