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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers

“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”


“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four”


“What comes after six?”

“Seven”


“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.


What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Little Johnn...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

I’ve been battling my addiction to the ‘Hokey Cokey’ dance for a number of years now..

It’s been a long and hard challenge, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

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People say there is safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million jews.

Why do teenage girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can’t even.

(Best delivered with sass and an eye roll).

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I recently walked down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K

It was a trip down memory lane

How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

Why do teenage girls hang out groups with an odd number of people?

Because they can't even.

I saw an upside down number 6, and I thought...

‘That’s odd’

I have a fear of numbers which aren't the ratio of two integers.

It's really irrational.

Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers?

Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers? WHO knew!

Whats the worst part of squaring a number?

Nothing! There are no negatives!

What is the average number of inhabitants in a Swedish nursing home?

Can't say, that would be a mean joke.

The amount of bad Coronavirus jokes are starting to reach worrying numbers.

Some scientist claim it might become a pundemic!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "you're all idiots" and pours two beers.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

People say age is just a number

when it clearly is a word.

I once got into a fight with the numbers 1, 3 and 5,

Lets just say it was not an even battle

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Prison numbers

A new convict arrives in prison, and he’s sitting in his cell with his new cell mate. Suddenly someone yells “243” and the whole cellblock starts laughing. A little while later someone yells, “23” and again everyone starts laughing. This happens every day between 2pm and 3pm.

The new guy has ...

An OB/GYN won an award for delivering a record number of babies in their career.

The Crowning Achievement

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

Kings have numbers in their titles, like III/the Third. How the Sixth King is written?

Viking.

The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is

working up the courage to go through her purse and get it.

What if you were trying to say the number 9,

But Germany said no

How do you make the number one disappear?

Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

Why do British hate the Prime numbers?

Because they can't be divided

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Which specie is the most in number in a zoo?

Homosapiens

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

We shouldn't trust China on Coronavirus numbers

I mean, there are a bunch of red flags.

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?

No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky.

A son tells his dad that the number of Coronavirus cases has reached 200,000

The dad replies:

"Oh 400,000 cases of Coronavirus, huh? Did you know that over 60 million people get the flu every year? 800,000 cases isn't so much in the big scheme of things- When 2.8 million people are dying from obesity every year- why should I give a damn about 1.6 million cases?"

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

North Korea providing updated coronavirus case numbers every 30 minutes today -

8:00AM - 1 case
8:30AM - 0 cases
9:00AM - 1 case
9:30AM - 0 cases
10:00AM - 1 case
10:30AM - 0 cases

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

What is a dentists favorite number?

2th

Man: Can I have a number 4 with cheese?

Librarian: Sir, this is a library.

Man: Oh, right. Sorry.

Man: (whispers) Can I please have a number 4 with cheese?

I asked a German girl for her number and I'm still waiting for the rest of the numbers

So far all I have is 9.

What is the most obvious French number?

The number two, Deux!

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

Why is 2 such a romantic number?

Because it's <3

What's the number one cause of death?

Being alive.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on my hands.

11 times.

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A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

Why is -1 the best number?

It's second to none

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

I’ve been with a number of women throughout my life.

That number is 0.

I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

What’s the number one use of leather in the world?

Holding cows together

A phone has 8 numbers on it's keypad

When you press 1 it plays a D flat, when you press 2 it plays an E flat, 3 an F, 4 a G Flat, 5 an A Flat, 6 a B flat, 7 a C and 8 a D Flat. This is a dial tonic scale.

Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

All numbers are equal

Long ago in the Kingdom of Natural Numbers, there used to be slaves. The citizens appreciated the number 2 so much, to a point that they would determine one's social class by his/her divisibility by 2. And those not divisible by 2 - sorry, then they're slaves.

7 was born an odd number. That's...

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What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?

They both give children serial numbers.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was...

What’s the difference between the number 7 and the number 5?

two, idiot

The number of times I've been without a girlfriend

I could count on one hand.

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

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Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. “Dad...

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

What do sneezes and kids afraid of numbers have in common?

Ahhhh twoooo!

An old ukranian man once told me

“I can count the number of times i’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand son”

“How many times?” I asked

“14 , it’s 14”

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

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What do you call an anti-Semitic number?

A FiboNazi

A person calls 911

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?

Think of a number between 1 - 20

Add 45

Multiply by 2

Subtract 1

Now close your eyes
#
#
>!It's dark isn't it?!<

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

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I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

Tired of all the reposts, the admin team decided to number the jokes. So, if anyone wanted to repost, they'd just post the number and take their karma.

A new subscriber comes and watches this, unable to understand. He sees a post with just the number 3771, having 2.1k upvotes. He gets very confused.
So, he decides to make a post of himself. He posts 92075, and he gets 45.6k upvotes. He is intrigued, so much that he messages the mod team and ask...

Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?

That Brazilians have a great aim.

An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number

String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

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