UPJOKE
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I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

What is David Byrne’s social security number?

444-44-4444

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Why is 6.9 the worst number?

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

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An infinite number of mathematicians enter an infinite bar

In this bar, a pint of beer costs one dollar

The first one asks for a pint of beer, then the second one asks for two pints of beer, then the third one asks for three pints of beer, and so it follows for every single mathematician there

When they're all done, the men ask for the bill an...

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?

They were outnumbered.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

I was running down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

what a trip down the memory lane

What's the minimum number of people it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Two but it has to be a really big light bulb.

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon an...

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers

“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”


“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four”


“What comes after six?”

“Seven”


“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.


What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Little Johnn...

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

Avogadro's number walks into the CIA

One of the spies takes a look at him and says, "Gentlemen... we have a mole."

An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of keyboards happen to write the perfect joke

The joke is reposted.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Dating women is like squaring numbers

If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can’t even.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt.

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

A super nerdy math joke: Graham gave his number to a girl once.

She never called.

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?"

The teacher replied "nein!"

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Just got a phone call from a strange number.

I picked up the call and they said "Seven Days". I immediately hung up.

I didnt even wanted to hear about the product or the full price.

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Puns are the number one, highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number 2.

[fake] edit: It's your duty to post your best worst puns now.

What do you call a number that's red and itchy?

rational.

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

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Why is the amount of people with a fetish for fruit always an even number?

Because they always cum in pears.

"I'm really good with numbers"

"How many times have you been told that?"

"Less times than I can count!"

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I was lucky enough to win a couple of coupons for some cool bowling balls with number jokes printed on them.

I won two, three for five, sick "seven ate nine" ten pin bowling balls.

Or in other words I... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...pin bowling balls.

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

My laziness is like the number 8.

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

A good number of my friends are racist.

Precisely zero - and that is a good number.

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

An Infinite Number of Mathematicians Walk Into a Bar

The first one orders a beer

The second one orders two beers

The third one orders three beers.

The fourth one orders six beers.

Each one keeps ordering the sum of all previous orders. Eventually the Bartender gets annoyed and asks his co-worker "How the hell am I supposed...

My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Why is it so difficult to differentiate a decimal and whole number for you

Because you never get the point.

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
...

How do you get a Jewish Girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve!

Why does no one like the number 4?

It's too square.

One a scale of number one to number ten, my obsession with the Beatles is

number nine, number nine, number nine...

What do you call a number that wanders about?

A Roman numeral

(stolen shamelessly from my friend)

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

Why did the number 10 die?

It was in the middle of 9/11

What’s Amber Heard’s Sleep Number?

… number 2

What's the number one cause of divorce?

Marriage.

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.

It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

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A man found an attractive girl in a bus, he tried to get her number...

She was disgusted, and left the bus. After a few minutes, the bus driver came in the bus.
“I saw that. Look, she’s a very pretty girl, and I’ll tell you this: she’s very religious. She goes to church every Sunday. If you go there and dress up as God, she’ll probably agree to have sex with you....

What is the loneliest number?

My phone number, call me please!


#Please don't

what’s a number that is universally loved?

8,008,135

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I told my wife that the mailman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one

She replied "I bet it’s the snooty bitch in number twenty three”

The number of bumble bees has decreased.

They prefer to use tinder.

How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Intersect it with a plane.

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

Do numbers exist? A proof by contradiction.

Step 1) Assume numbers don't exist

....

What do you call someone who makes numbers disappear?

A mathmagician

Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven?

When it dies it becomes immortal.

∞

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I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12.

But she dozen seem to care.

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