UPJOKE
asleepdullbluntdeadafraidinsensitivegroggydazednauseouswoozytiredspeechlesshelplesssorenervous

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

What’s Amber Heard’s Sleep Number?

… number 2

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

Do numbers exist? A proof by contradiction.

Step 1) Assume numbers don't exist

....

what’s a number that is universally loved?

8,008,135

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one goes up to the bar and orders a beer. The next one says, “I’ll have half of what he ordered”. The next mathematician says the same thing, and so on. After a couple of orders the bartender slams two beers down on the counter and says, “know you’re limits!”

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

Fun with numbers

So I was helping my son clean his room when I found 3 spent invisalign wrappers. I asked my son why there were 3, because 3 is such an odd number.

What do you call a number that can't sit still?

A roamin' numeral

Have you ever seen serial numbers on a condom?

That’s probably because you’ve never had to roll it back far enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

Zelensky recieves a call from an unknown number (a joke)

Anon: Sir, I have a clear shot at putin. How much will you pay me for successful elimination?

Zelensky: 1 million dollas for not killing putin.

The man shocked at the response, asks for a reason for this.

Zelensky: No way the next guy they put in is going to be this incompetent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that the mailman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one

She replied "I bet it’s the snooty bitch in number twenty three”

There is an ideal number of authors on academic publications

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

In my first year of college, I had 5 times the number of girlfriends that I had in my four years of high school.

5 x 0 = 0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Age is not a number!

It is definitely a word!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the maximum number of people a person can have sex with in one day called?

Bangwidth.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

Lucky Number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the ...

Where should you avoid crunching the numbers for pi?

Over the carpet

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life

the oracle took his glass orb, searched the mans future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807”

The man happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery n...

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab.

So he walked all the way to the airport ...

why are optimitrists slow when they go to the bathroom?

Because they keep asking
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?

A bunch of guys who sit around all day saying jokes got tired of repeating the same jokes, so they decided to number the jokes. Whenever one of them wanted to say a joke, he'd just say "Number 32", for example, and they'd all bust out laughing

One day one of the guys stood up and shouted "Number 54", as usual they all laughed. One guy though, laughed hysterically, slapped his knee, and had tears streaming down his face.



One of his friends asked him: "What's going on? Why did you laugh like this?"



He replied: ...

how do you make the number one disappear?

you add “g” and its gone. poof.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Numbers

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack,"...

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

I'm so obsessed with odd numbers.

I can't even.

What is the number one exported alcoholic beverage of the Caymen Islands?

Caymen Cider. I hear it's pretty filling.

"Mom, I'm dating a man"

"Who, sweetheart?"

"The mailman"

"The mailman? But he could be your father!"

"Mom, age is just a number"

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood"

What is Serena Williams’ favorite number?

Ten is.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pimp who maintains the ideal number of prostitutes per customer?

Horatio

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a girl if I guess the number she has in her mind, she has to kiss me. So I told to her to think of a number between 1 and 3

*After she choosing a number in her mind*

Me: It's 2, isn't it?

She: No.

Me: then which fucking number is it?

She: 2.5.

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number

I said 7496

she said it didnt work

I said 7469

she said it didnt work

I said 4796

she said the machine took away the card

I said thank god

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

Meme numbers: 69, 420 and...

The OG number: 5318008 ;)

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.

“What?!” I exclaimed to my friend. “This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this com...

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Forming Traditions

new camp commander was 'appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!" He searched for last commander'...

Which mathematical phenomenon only uses imaginary numbers?

The Fib-Bonacci Sequence.

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

I wanted to buy a large model of the number eleven thousand one hundred and eleven



But then I changed my mind as I realised it was going to cost me 5 big ones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

How do trees go number two in the forest?

They drop a log!

Husband: “hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”

Wife: “the number you have dialed is not in service at this time”

An unknown number calls a man at work.

He immediately hangs up without saying anything.



His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"



The man answers, "I didn't know the number".



His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".



The man complie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

I met a girl in the pub

We talked, we laughed, we drank.

We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.

It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...

She must be a homeless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.

At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.

5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.

After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

A single guy finds an ad in the newspaper: "Find Your Soul Mate! $20!"

He thinks, "eh, why not?" and calls the number. A minute later, an Australian guy shows up with ghost hunting equipment. When the single guy asks what it's for, the Australian says: "I'm here to find your soul, mate."

I explained to a friend that I had a condom break, so I called the manufacturer and gave them the serial number from the condom ...

at this point he said to me, "Wait a minute!!! You're telling me that every condom has an individual serial number?"


I said, "Yes, you've never seen that? I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO UNROLL ONE THAT FAR"


:)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.