I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

Roses are 6, yellow is a number

I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

What's the number between 5 & 7?

Believe me or not... But it's 3!.

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

Last week a hypnotist convinced me I am a light malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I'm easily lead.

the numbers on the front of my house keep falling off...

Its definitely a problem that needs to be addressed.

An infinite number of Mathematicians

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one asks for one glass, the second asks for half, the third asks for a fourth, and so on. The bartender puts 2 glasses on the counter and says “Sort it out yourselves”

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

Whats Quagmires Favorite Number

18

Archie: "Right guys, so it says 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21 so the next two numbers have to be 34 and 55

Me: "You've gotta be fibbing Archie"

Why is 11 DJ Khaled's favorite number?

Because it has another one

Wrong number perhaps

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.


"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."


"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she’s slept with?

Tally ho!

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

What is your favorite number in the alphabet

If you didn’t answer Germany you’re wrong

How do you make seven an even number?

Just remove the “s.”!

How did all the numbers above 2 die?

They over-dos'd

Complex numbers are all fun and games

Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

I went to the barbers and asked for a number 2 all over.

I've washed my hair 6 times since and still can't get the smell out.

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

Why is 6.9 the worst number?

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met

Weird pontiflex but okay

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice fucking belt

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

Why do popular teenage girls travel in odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

Women are like squaring numbers.

If they are under 13, just do them in your head.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

Adele names albums by numbers, relating to important things in her life.

Her next is rumoured to be called 3.14159265359

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

How do you get a Jewish girls number?

You roll up her sleeve

Why do teenage girls walk in numbers of one, three, five, seven, and nine?

They can't even.

I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good old number 367

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I g...

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

Old number 51628

A man is taking his giraffe for a walk downtown. He gets tired and stops at a bar. As the man sits down the giraffe goes and lays down in the corner.

The bartender says to the man: Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' around!

Man: It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hi maybe, I'm dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited.

Finally I could plot my sex life.

How did number 10 die

It was in the middle of 9 11

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

Lazy people

Statistics show that there are exactly 87345091

lazy people in the world who even didnt read the entire number.

Dont go back you're one of them now!

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They’re both making frozen number two.

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

I've developed a new fetish for numbers and math...

I'm constantly doing it in my mind