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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Where did you get that awesome belt?

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

A Jewish girl asked me for my number.

I had to remind her that we've got names.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.

The barman says "You're all idiots" and pours two beers.

Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

What is DJ Khaled’s favorite number?

11 because it has another 1.

Why do teenage girls walk in odd numbers?

Because they “can’t even” (valley girl voice)

A number of the jokes in this sub are all paper joke

They're so tearable

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Why didn’t the number 4 go skydiving?

Because he’s two squared

Counting prime numbers is like dating...

If they are under 13, do em in your head

What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "No, she means 666-3629."

What’s the problem with the number 6.9

It’s another great thing ruined by a period :)

I’m sorry, I had to, it’s a special day today.

To the guy who invented negative numbers

We owe you one.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.

It's seven.

One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.

“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

The number seven went camping one day.

He packed his things and he was sept for life.

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

I hate when people say age is just a number.

Age is clearly a word.

A drone with a screen showing random changing numbers was flying toward me.

It struck me as odd.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

What's a commonly used phrase with a surprising number of 'D's in it?

Your mom.

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An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

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I got jumped by a gang the other day. The saying, "There's strength in numbers" is true.

I beat the ever-living shit out of them with a 2x4 !

Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC

The number 1 walks into a bar where counting is banned...

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.

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Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

You know what I find really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

I like when math problems always add up to round numbers.

They’re wholesum.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

I wanted to tell a joke about binary numbers

But I couldn't zero in on one.

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

A guy was arrested and charged by the police for killing a number of vampires.

Yeah, they've got him on three counts.

“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

Did you know, Google is making a new type of keyboard with only the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9? They're advertising it towards white women...

Because they "can't even"

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

If I had to eat a number from 0 to 10, I would eat 5.

I’ve heard it’s median delicious.

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

Roses are 6, yellow is a number

I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

There are only two phone numbers in China the wings and the wongs

So you might wing the wong number

Roll 5 of the same number and it’s called a Yahtzee.

Roll nein, and it’s a nahtzee.

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

What's the number between 5 & 7?

Believe me or not... But it's 3!.

Why is 6.9 the worst number?

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

I saw one of those flyers that said “Have you seen this man?” with a number below it.

I immediately phoned in. I said “No, I haven’t”

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

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