I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

What number is better than 69?

88, because you get ate twice

How come popular girls only hang out in odd numbers?

Cause like, they can't even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand

19

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

Do all German girls have the same number?

Because every one of them I've asked out say 99999

How can you make seven an even number?

By removing the "s"

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

My teacher asked me to stay behind and convert the numbers 51, 6, and 500 into Roman Numerals in detention.

I was LIVID.

What do you get when you add two numbers together?

Sum thing

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong number.

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with a mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have 2 lips and 7 kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have 2 balls and 7 inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No But it's a damn good average"

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

What do you call numbers that constantly move?

Roamin’ Numerals!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number 69

A Chinese couple get married and the new bride is a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to reassure her: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

What is the number 2 cereal on Asgard?

Loki Charms

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

...number 1 & number 2

...the two main reasons not to drink toilet water!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

cop: I pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

**me:** Dang, 68? can you make that number a *little* cooler so I can hear the judge read it out loud haha

**cop:** Sure, whatever.

[later in traffic court]

**judge:** How were you going 420 in a 55?

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y’know, imaginary numbers are all fun and games...

... until someone loses an i

Then shit gets real.

What is a pirate's favourite number?

6.63x10^-34



I hope this isn't a repost

Why should you let an obstetrician pick your lottery numbers?

Because they see a head

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

Counting binary numbers

is as easy as 01 10 11

There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count

*Edit* 2. Proof read

Today I asked a Canadian for her number...

But she said she was above us Americans...

So cold... :(

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

What do you call a number to the power of chickens?

An eggs-ponent

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Where did you get that awesome belt?

I've been lucky when going out to bars. I've never been given a fake number.

A wrong number sure.......but never a fake one.

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

There are 10 kinds of people on this world.

01 who can read in binary numbers, and the other 01 who can't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Girls are like squaring numbers

If they’re less than 13, do ‘em in your head

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

What is DJ Khaled’s favorite number?

11 because it has another 1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is 30 the dirtiest number

Because it's XXX.

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

Tell a horror story with just one word and one number

Trump 2024

My friend lives in house number 667

Neighbour of the beast.

There's been a recent surge in the number of male crossdressers in the Amish community.

Be careful. Women you might see during the day, may actually be mennonite.

One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.

“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

What’s the problem with the number 6.9

It’s another great thing ruined by a period :)

I’m sorry, I had to, it’s a special day today.

I hate when people say age is just a number.

Age is clearly a word.

To the guy who invented negative numbers

We owe you one.

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

A number of the jokes in this sub are all paper joke

They're so tearable

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

Repost number 582: A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.

So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming...

Why didn’t the number 4 go skydiving?

Because he’s two squared

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