UPJOKE
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Number Jokes

I was running down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

what a trip down the memory lane

If 666 is the number of evil...

Then 25.8069758011279 is the root to all evils?

( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?

They were outnumbered.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip...

but he doesn't like Indian food.

so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number...

Oldie, but Goldie...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville?

Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort.

Three women die enter hell, and Satan greets them at the doorway.

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I...

I gave a woman my umbrella yesterday

That brings the total number of women I’ve made wet this year to -1

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Sex is great at 50

Though I live at number 48.

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them…

My dad posted this to Facebook

An Irishman, Mick, was on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” He had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well,” said the presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Sparrow B) Thrush C) Ma...

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

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Poop jokes aren't exactly my favorite

but they're a solid number two!

Toilet jokes aren't my favourite kind of humour

But they're a solid number 2...

I'm afraid for the calendar...

It's days are numbered.

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[NSFW] Sailor Smitty has retired after a long life at sea, and decides to go to college.

One of the first classes he takes is “Human Sexuality 101.” Why not?

On the first day of class the professor says “We will be discussing a variety of human sexual combinations and experiences. There are a great many… “

Sailor Smitty shouts “104!”

The professor says “That...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A man says casually to his wife, "I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every woman on our street, except for one."

The wife sniffs and says, "I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12."

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

I know every single phone number

I just don't know who they belong to

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Jap...

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Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

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[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

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Three old men met for breakfast

As they ate the subject of health came up. One man said "I don't know what's going on with my system now but I'm up at least a dozen times a night to pee! Even if I stop drinking HOURS before I try to sleep!"

The number two man said "Well, beats the opposite. I swear, some days I'm stuck sit...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

How did the prime number react when it found out it wasn’t a 2?

“I can’t even”

How do you know that someone is a dad

If number of bananas finished is higher than number of bananas started

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

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Three surgeons are talking about their favorite kinds of patients.

"My favorite patients are librarians." says the first surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because their organs are all in alphabetical order."

"My favorite patients are mathematicians." says the second surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because all their organs are numbered."

"My fa...

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

I went to a new family doctor today

I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:

"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".

Quite good eh, I thought.

Completed the registration, I sat down in the wai...

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A businessman flew to Las Vegas

for a convention, gambled, and lost almost everything. He had nothing left but a couple dollars and a return plane ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get home. He went out to the front of the casino, got in a cab, and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send fare...

when my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My name , my address, my phone number..

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, t...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

Starwars Joke

Someone:"Why are the star wars series numbered 4,5,6,1,2,3?"

Yoda:"In charge of ordering, I was."

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

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Names for different types of Golf shots.

There have been a number of humorous names for different types of golf shots, and I was wondering if anyone had heard of any more. Some examples:

Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

Princess Grace - Should have used a driver, but didn't.

Princess Diana - Use...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

How do you threaten a calender?

Say "Your days are numbered."

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

why don't mathematicians get mugged?

Because there's safety in numbers.

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

...

Two blondes and a bus

Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.

One asks the other:

"Which bus are you taking?"

"Number 1. And you?"

"Two."

The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:

"Look, we're going together!"

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

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When you've been around as long as me… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex;

then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.’

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

I asked a German girl if Germans are afraid of numbers

She said 9

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Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

Have you seen the sequel to Constipation?

Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

What did the computer say to the group of numbers?

I'll Calc You Later

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

Never date a weatherman.

They always lie about the number of inches(snow or rain) you'll be getting.

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It ain't rigged.

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, *"Free Sex with Fill-Up."* Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free s...

Intercom

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is g...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

"I'm really good with numbers"

"How many times have you been told that?"

"Less times than I can count!"

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Ruffling some feathers.

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.

After seeing th...

Homer

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phon...

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always lik...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

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