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The existence of casual sex implies there is formal sex

and I have had neither :(

What do you call an argument that says the patriarchy doesn't exist?

Thot-provoking

I had a hilarious joke about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift.

Then I realized that's just a catapult.

TIL Albert Einstein really existed

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

Jobs that don't exist anymore..



1. Steve..

The only reason why the Pyramids exist in Egypt...

....is because they were too heavy for British folks to steal and put in the British museum

Of course god exists

How else could those foolish athiests explain my girlfriend getting pregnant without us ever sleeping together

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

Tinnitus does not exist

It’s all in your head

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole

The first guy goes into see the commitee, and they ask him some questions.

C: "Who discovered America?"

IG1: "Christopher Columbus."

C: "How long ago was that?"

IG1: "Around three hundred years..."

C: "Do aliens exist?"

IG1: "It's possible, but there's no pr...

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer.

It was a diagnostic test.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

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Three men are trying to get in the World Record Book

One man says, "hey, I have tiny hands, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Hands." Another man says, "hey, I have tiny feet, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Feet." The remaining man says, "hey, I have tiny testicles, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Balls."

The three ...

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A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

Isaac Newton: "Gravity exists"

*drops mic*

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

What’s the similarity between a unicorn and a good politician?

Neither exist

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

What decade did people start denying the existence of a god?

The nineteen-atheist

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

Stalin goes to a local wheat farm to see how things are going.

"Mr. Stalin, we have so many wheat bags, that, if piled on top of each other, could reach god himself!" The farmer told Stalin gleefully.

"But god doesn't exist", Stalin Replied.

"Exactly", said the farmer. "neither does the wheat."

Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other

The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked

My best friend says I’m schizophrenic

I say he’s a hypocrite. Especially since I don’t exist

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

My wife has left me for another man

All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.

And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk.

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

How come Batman shampoo exists...

But not Conditioner Gorder?

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

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A Redditor walks into a brothel…

And he sees four doors, the first three have long lines behind them and the fourth has none. He is greeted by a elderly woman. After asking why this brothel was so popular, she explains that it’s because this isn’t just a regular brothel, this is a special brothel! The man takes another look around ...

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

A math and science convention is in town

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician all attend. One night, the hotel they're staying in catches fire.

The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees his room on fire. He grabs the fire extinguisher and has the fire out in 15 seconds, then goes back to bed

The phy...

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If time travellers exist they must be Nazis cuz they didn't go back and stop Hitler.

A man gets a worried look on his face. What are you, a time traveller? No I'm a preacher.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.

Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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Medusa must have been the sexiest girl to ever exist

All the guys that saw her turned rock hard

I found out that one day of the year doesn't exist, and its today.

4/04, day not found.

A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with



"Uhh... Yahwey."

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

A man walks into an unemployment office looking for a job.

He says to the unemployment worker: "I would like a job where I just sit at a desk and tell people they can't do the things they want yo do."

The unemployment worker answers: "Sorry sir, but that kind of job doesn't exist."

"Yes! It's your job that I want."

native spanish speakers: our language has existed for over 1500 years and is the second-most spoken on earth

**taco bell:** cool... well we made up some new words for y’all

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what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

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I think time travel exist because every time something bad happens in 2020 it's someone tryna fix something in the past but keep fucking shit up.

Like, where'd all the murder hornets go?

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

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