Jobs that don't exist anymore..



1. Steve..

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer.

It was a diagnostic test.

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

What decade did people start denying the existence of a god?

The nineteen-atheist

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

Isaac Newton: "Gravity exists"

*drops mic*

Long ago in days of yore townsfolk spoke of the existence of sleeping quarters which stacked one on top of the other

The existence of such a phenomenon has since been debunked

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

A racist, a misandrist and a misanthropist kills Thanos

The racist, Tyrone, says: "I need it - so I can remove all the asian people. I really don't like them".

The misandrist, Evelyn, says: "No I need it more - so I can remove all men from existence!"

"Don't be silly! If you remove all the men, women will die out too!" Tyrone shout...

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

If puns didn’t exist

Jokes would have chlines

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

How come Batman shampoo exists...

But not Conditioner Gorder?

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up?

The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

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If time travellers exist they must be Nazis cuz they didn't go back and stop Hitler.

A man gets a worried look on his face. What are you, a time traveller? No I'm a preacher.

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

Schrödinger's cat

There once was a cat in a pickle

Whose life was not worth a nickle

From an electron gun shot

It both was and was not

It's very existence is fickle

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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Another penis joke

A big man who had a reputation for having a large member met a stunning lady one evening.

Later they decided to sleep together - when the man undressed the woman started laughing when she saw the word MINI tattooed on his penis, the man was not bothered at all.

Later, after some fore...

A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with



"Uhh... Yahwey."

Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.

native spanish speakers: our language has existed for over 1500 years and is the second-most spoken on earth

**taco bell:** cool... well we made up some new words for y’all

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Medusa must have been the sexiest girl to ever exist

All the guys that saw her turned rock hard

Apparently, scientists proved the existence of dark matter

Does that mean

Black Matter Lives?

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

I found out that one day of the year doesn't exist, and its today.

4/04, day not found.

(Wholesome Dark Joke) Everyone knows that there is no God ...

Everyone knows that there is no God, and that after you die you just cease to exist. Sure, you might fool yourself into believing in a religion, but even then, deep down, there's that sliver of fear that there's no life after death, only silence and darkness. Dogs on the other hand, dogs go to heave...

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what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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The existence of Bicycles

Implies the existence of Homocycles and Heterocycles

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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

What’s the best thing about a Utopia?

It can’t exist without U and I.

Did you hear about the psychosphrenic dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He spent all night debating the existence of dog with himself.

I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...

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I don’t think toxic masculinity really exists.

I think it’s just guys acting egotesticle.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

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A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

A kid asks their Mom why they exist

“Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“

And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”

Why is the secret service called the *secret* service if everyone knows they exist?

Well they would be called the "public service" but their job is keeping Donald Trump alive.

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

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Life Without E-Mail

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address...

Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.

You find a magic lamp, and a genie comes out of it.

Genie: Hello, I am a genie. I will grant you 1 wish, what is your wish?

You: I wish I didn’t exist

Genie: Your wsh has been granted.

You: Nothng happened?

Gene: Take a moment to consder what you sad there. Wll be on my way now, bye.

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

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I was complaining to my wife about our non existent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

What do unwanted children and the universe have in common?

They were both suddenly banged into existence!

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

What do you call a clinic run by two doctors who are not sure if a higher power exists?

A di-agnostic centre

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