UPJOKE
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Exist Jokes

TIL Albert Einstein really existed

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
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Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.
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Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”
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If Chuck Norris hadn't existed...

Chuck Norris would have invented him.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most useless creature in existence?

Mermaids. You can neither eat them nor fuck them.

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What do you call a penis that doesn't exist?

A fallacy.

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.
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Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.
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Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-...
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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...
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Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

Do numbers exist? A proof by contradiction.

Step 1) Assume numbers don't exist

....
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Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.
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Jobs that don't exist anymore;

1. Steve
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TIL Lego porn exists

It didn't click for me.

I have a theory that confirmation bias doesn't really exist

and I've found an obscure study that proves it.
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There’s 5 seasons that exists

Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring, and Tax Season
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Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.
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Growing up, this so-called Mandela Effect didn't exist.

Or at least, that's how I remember it.
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If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy
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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

A chemistry student was asked to explain if heaven or hell exists on a test...

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First...
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If I were Bruce Banner’s son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn’t exist

“I’m not angry…I’m just disappointed”
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Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".
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The Classiest Knock Knock Joke in existance

Knock Knock

who's there?

the

the who?

YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
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The only reason why the Pyramids exist in Egypt...

....is because they were too heavy for British folks to steal and put in the British museum
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Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.
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Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did
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I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.
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Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out
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Of course god exists

How else could those foolish athiests explain my girlfriend getting pregnant without us ever sleeping together
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"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."
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If reincarnation does exist, I want to be reincarnated as a fly.

Just to see if it really is that difficult to escape from my bedroom.
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What do you call an argument that says the patriarchy doesn't exist?

Thot-provoking
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You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.
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Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.
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Isaac Newton: "Gravity exists"

*drops mic*
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People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)
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The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...
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Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.
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What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*
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Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”
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Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.
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My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c
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If girls didn't exist...

... then life would be a real pain in the ass.

Why does Burger King exist?

So that he and Dairy Queen can live in the White Castle.
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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI
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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

A kid asks their Mom why they exist

“Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“

And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”
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How come Batman shampoo exists...

But not Conditioner Gorder?
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The existence of Bicycles

Implies the existence of Homocycles and Heterocycles

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Medusa must have been the sexiest girl to ever exist

All the guys that saw her turned rock hard

Aliens do exist!

They’re illegal in America. It’s a law.
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The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.
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The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

Why doesn’t a world of circles exist?

Because it would be pointless
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My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".
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And the Oscar Award for best special effects (Which is related to stuff that simulates things that are fictional/do not exist) goes to...

An honest politician.
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I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...
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Migraines don't exist.

It's all in your head.
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Truly original chemistry jokes no longer exist.

They argon.
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Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

A person unsure if God exists rolled a numbered cube to determine the answer.

It was a diagnostic test.
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Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”
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Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.
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I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
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Stereo types exist for a reason.

Because not everyone wants a Sony.
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If something doesn't exist, it isn't. if someone fails to do something, they didn't. if liquor isnt the solution to anything, what does that make it?

A solven't.
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I found out that one day of the year doesn't exist, and its today.

4/04, day not found.
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The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
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The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“
The Cowboy says,...

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)
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Some stereo types exist for a reason...

Like Low-Fi for those who can't afford nice equipment, or Hi-Fi for white people.
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I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...
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What decade did people start denying the existence of a god?

The nineteen-atheist
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The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...
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Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects
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The more people willing to commit scuicide exist,

the less people willing to commit scuicide exist.
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A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."
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I had a hilarious joke about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift.

Then I realized that's just a catapult.
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What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

I used to think an ocean of soda existed.

But it was just a Fanta sea.
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Why is the secret service called the *secret* service if everyone knows they exist?

Well they would be called the "public service" but their job is keeping Donald Trump alive.
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I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...
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Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."
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Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.
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A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with



"Uhh... Yahwey."
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Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
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I don’t think toxic masculinity really exists.

I think it’s just guys acting egotesticle.

How many blonde jokes exist?

How many blonde jokes exist?

One. This one. The rest are all true.
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"All right, for our new Disney+ miniseries, we need to make it a thoughtful, highly entertaining original series AND it needs to connect to an existing Star Wars property."

"... Would you settle for And/or?"
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A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...
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