Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

If puns didn’t exist

Jokes would have chlines

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

How come Batman shampoo exists...

But not Conditioner Gorder?

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

Jobs that don't exist anymore

1.Steve

native spanish speakers: our language has existed for over 1500 years and is the second-most spoken on earth

**taco bell:** cool... well we made up some new words for y’all

My girlfriend is godlike

Because she doesn’t exist

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with



"Uhh... Yahwey."

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medusa must have been the sexiest girl to ever exist

All the guys that saw her turned rock hard

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.The President decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.They place animal informants throughout the forest.They questi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says “You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am..” and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line “I think therefore I am” but if I had explained that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

I hate spheres.

Why do they even exist? There’s no point.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.

My girlfriend drowned in a well

I didn’t know that wells still existed let alone granted wishes

I found out that one day of the year doesn't exist, and its today.

4/04, day not found.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have this theory about my sex life lately

Actually, it’s more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.

Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The existence of Bicycles

Implies the existence of Homocycles and Heterocycles

My idiot friend thought ketchup didn’t exist

So I told him to check his sauces

Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t think toxic masculinity really exists.

I think it’s just guys acting egotesticle.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

Death does make you closer to God

because now you don't exist either.

What is the difference between USA and yoghurt?

One can exist for 200 years without developing culture.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

My existence

No litterally my dad said I was an accident :c

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

The international recognition of Jewish sovereignty is so bad...

...that they have to name their country "It's real" to remind everyone that it exists.

A kid asks their Mom why they exist

“Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“

And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”

Why is the secret service called the *secret* service if everyone knows they exist?

Well they would be called the "public service" but their job is keeping Donald Trump alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels

She didn't know I existed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. 2 argue about wether or not the lightbulb exists, and 1 to actually change it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our non existent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

What do you call an existant breast?

An entity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my penis if it felt depressed knowing it's only function of existence is to purge out bodily fluids all day, everyday, for all eternity.

He said ***At first, it pisses you off, but then you cum to enjoy it.***😉

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Why doesn’t a world of circles exist?

Because it would be pointless

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, if they’re told the lightbulb doesn’t exist, it doesn’t need changing

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Lot of People Say Jews Don't Really Exist...

The truth, though, is that they Israel.

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The good husband

Sheryl Sandberg: My advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. ...

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

What movie would Samuel L. Jackson and David Lynch make?

Snakes on a plane of existence.

What do you call a homeopathic remedy thought to cure simply because it exists, yet has no purpose nor explanation as to why?

Existential oils

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were...

My wife treats me as if I'm a god.

She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Reddit didn't exist...

Karma would stop being a bitch.

Giraffes do not exist

Chuck Norris just uppercut a horse

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm excited about Halloween this year

It's the first time in its existence where not wearing a mask will scare the crap out of people.

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

A man gets shipwrecked at sea

After what felt like days floating on wreckage he washes up on an unknown shore.

He starts to wander around the beautiful land, the air smelled sweeter than any air he’d ever breathed, everything looked clearer than real life. His hunger suddenly hits him and he wished for a big sandwich and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.