UPJOKE
thunderstormprecipitationcomeicestormrainsleetclouddownpourheraldacclaimprecipitatehailstoneapplaudgreet

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

A man went into the confessional and ……

said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For y...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

A woman hailed a taxi cab...

She gets into the cab and tells the driver the destination. In the cab with her was a police officer who just finished his shift.


3 blocks away from her destination the woman realized that she left her wallet at home. At the next stop light she decides to make a run for it.


T...

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

My dog's house went through a hail storm recently

Most of the damage was dealt to his ROOF.
He was on the phone for hours howling at his insurance provider.

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

In a small town, people sinned a lot.

The priest, an elderly man, was getting tired of constantly hearing the nasty term “adultery”, day after day in confessions.
So he created a code word for it. Whenever someone loses their mind, they must tell the priest in the confession: “Father, I fell.” As such, when someone confessed to have ...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

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Young priest’s education

A young priest, straight out of seminary, is hearing confessions.

The first parishioner says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I cheated a man out of $100 this week. Then I went downtown, found a prostitute and got a blow job.” The priest, who had never heard of a blow job hesitates a...

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Tailpipe

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at leas...

Confession

A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

A man was in the confession booth confessing his sins to the priest…

And he said “father, I must confess, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest said “What do you mean, you *almost* cheated on your wife?”

The man explained, “father, I was in bed with another woman, we got naked together but I we only rubbed against each other, I didn’t actually put i...

A 68 year old man walks into a confessional one morning. The priest asked what the man wants to tell him.

The man says, "Well I went to see my buddies last night to play rummy, the game broke up about ten. On the way home, I felt like a drink, so I stopped by the bar. This pretty young lady about maybe 25 started talking to me, and the chemistry was there. Before I knew it, we were at her place. We made...

A drunk man hails a taxi cab.

When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”



“Sure,” replies the driver.



The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and throws up on the passenger s...

A blonde gets her car damaged in a hail storm

It's a mess. looks basically like a golf ball--dents everywhere. So she takes it to a body shop, and the technician sees she's blonde and decides to have some fun. He tells her that the fix is simple, that as soon as the tailpipe is cool, to blow into it and all the dents will just pop right out.<...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

Hail Storms

Long may they rain

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

What did the Italian say after the hail storm?

"My car! issa Al Dente."

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

My favorite Russian joke translated

An eskimo on his way home hails a taxi. As he's getting in, the taxi driver says "if you guess my riddle I'll take you home for free". The Eskimo says "ok go".

– Ok, he looks like me but isn't me.

– Hmm a raindeer?

– Nope.

– Shoot I give up.

– My brother!

...

One time the weatherman said we could expect ice showers...

...and I was like, "Oh *hail* no!".

I have sinned so the father told me to say "Hail Mary" 300 times...

function atone(prayer, repeat) {
for (let i = 0; i < repeat; i++) {
console.log(prayer);
console.log();
}
}

atone(
"Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee;
blessed art thou amongst women,
and bless...

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

...

Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.

Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?

Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"

the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points.

I guess it was a summary execution.

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

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Hail Mungus

Leonardo da vinci, Stephen Hawking and Hugh Mungus, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil star...

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

A guy is on the corner of the street waiting to hail a cab and he has a giant peach for a head...

Another man comes up to him and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you have a giant peach for a head; what's up with that?"

The man with a giant peach for a head responds "It's kind of a funny story actually."

He explains that on his last birthday a genie appeared to him ...

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

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Putin,Obama and Merkel (German chancellor) meet

Putin says:We have the best submarines they can be under water for over 5 months.

Obama replies:pff our submarines can stay for over a year under water.

In the moment Merkel wants to reply a submarine appears and a guy opens the door and says: hail Hitler we need more diesel.

What does a blonde do when her car endures a hail storm?

Jill woke up one morning after a hail storm that night. Her car had dents all over it. It was incredibly bad damage, so she brought it into a local auto repair to get the dents fixed. The mechanic, noticing that Jill was blonde, thought he would have a little fun. He simply told her that there is an...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.

After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

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4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

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So the police have a new slogan.

So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

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What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bales her hay and the other hails her bae

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of ...

A man walked into a bar and orders a drink...

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender

Man - Anything but a Bud Light
So the bartender pours him a Jack and Coke

After a while the man again requests a drink.

Bartender - what will it be this time?
Man - Anything but a Bud Light
After then finishing his Old Fashioned, t...

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Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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She's Naked.

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely naked. He stopped and she went into the taxi.

Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot naked girl before huh? Why don't you ke...

The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead...

"Hail, Satan"

The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,

He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,

The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,

The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,

The pope ...

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A german mom, a french mom, and a russian mom all just had a baby in the same hospital...

A nurse gathers them all up and tells them that there has been a mix up and maybe they can ID which baby is theirs. The german mom says, "I'll go first. HAIL HITLER." One of the babys does a Hitler salute so she takes her baby and leaves. Then the russian mom picks up a baby. The french mom asks, "H...

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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let’s have it then," the priest says as h...

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o’clock. I thought this was strange but didn’t think too much into it,...

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet

But I did not in hail

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