UPJOKE
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It is not easy to come up with jokes about undelivered letters.

People just don’t get them.

I was trying to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

I've been trying to come up with a somewhat sensitive joke for the anniversary of Kobe Bryant's death

But I don't think it would land properly..

So I was trying to come up with a fog joke today

My mind was sadly clouded

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

I Spent All Week Trying to Come Up With a Joke About The French Army...

...but I decided to just give up.

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Can you come up with a better joke with this punchline?

Why did the king lock his beautiful virgin daughter away in a fortress when all the men came around?
Impregnability
(Work in Progress)

I tried to come up with a good vaccine joke but what's the point.

Half of Americans won't get it anyways.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork...

I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I was trying to come up with a joke about my microscope.

Then I realized I had a bad objective.

Can we come up with a brand new, never ending joke.

So let’s say one person initiates the joke by coming up with a line, the next person either continues the set up or has a punchline but the punchline must also be able to set up the next persons line, etc etc etc, can it be done? Will it be consistently funny? I think I’ve made sense but I’m not gre...

How did the worst band in the world come up with their name?

After their first gig, the crowd was shouting that they wanted their nickle back.

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

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Some people on this sub come up with crappy jokes and rely on the NSFW tag to make people curious...

I'm tired of clicking only to find that it's hardly even a fucking joke

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

Reporter: “Sir, did you mean to come up with the, now famous, ‘no pun in ten did’ joke?”

“Nope, unintended.”

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

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A man is 93 and his wife is 85 and she says to him "As its saturday night, come up stairs and make love to me"...

He says "Well i can't do both"....

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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How did you come up with your reddit username?

I made mine when I stopped giving a shit

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names..

I suggested Juan and Two

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.

But none of them work

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I have come up with a new sex move.

Guy sticks dick in pussy, girl shoves fist in her own ass. girl somehow feels for dick and when she knows where she gives him a handjob inside of her. I call it 9/11 because its an inside job.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.'

I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should come up with a drug for erectile dysfunction....

And call it ElonGates!

My fencing opponent stood shocked for a minute, then said to me "that was amazing, did you come up with that all by yourself?"

"No," I answered, "it was a riposte."

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

I've been spending a lot of time trying to come up with a way to wear my mask incorrectly.

I feel like the answer has been right under my nose this whole time.

(Edit: i actually think it would actually be worded better as "i finally found a way to wear my mask incorrectly")

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I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

I’m trying to come up with an iphone 11 joke...

It’s basically an iphone X joke with a few minor tweaks and improvements

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What's wron...

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

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A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word

Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use...

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

Did I come up with this :P

So i tell all my friends this joke that isnt the funniest but I believe I came up with it by myself and I make sure I tell everyone I do. Am i wrong? haha.

anyway. Where is Yodas favourite place to drink?



Dagobah



Am I now a comedian or did I see this somewhere el...

Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

I keep trying to come up with a joke about explosives

But they all blow up in my face

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

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The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused.

Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel.

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha...

Classical music jokes are easy to come up with

I could write you a long Liszt

Apple needs to come up with a new creative naming scheme for their products...

You know what iMean?

I've come up with some rules changes to make Settlers of Catan more realistic

Before you build a settlement, you have to murder and enslave all the natives that live on the island.

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

Someone has most likely made this dad joke before but I'm still proud/ashamed to have come up with it myself.

Man 1: Did you hear about my neighbor who jumped off a cliff?
Man 2: Yeah, it's really unfortunate, he seemed like such a down to earth guy.

"Why are you fisting me?" A question that should never come up during love making.

Fisting should always be discussed beforehand.

Yesterday I heard they've come up with a cure for deafness.

Everybody will be able to hear about it soon.

I couldn't come up with a good pun about bones.

Maybe I'll come up with one Tomarrow.

My first Joke I have come up with.

A fart and a shart walk into a Pub.
"This place stinks! Exclaimed the fart.
" I feel ya" replied the shart.

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

I've come up with a new screen resultion!!

The idea was thrown out, but I don't understand why, it was 0k

How did the medical community come up with the term PMS

Mad cow disease was already taken

Today, I tested 10 people to come up with a pun and see if they could make me laugh

No pun in ten did

I tried to come up with a joke about hoovers, but I couldn't think of any

I'm just going to have to suck it up

I was trying to come up with a name for my group of mystery-solving chickens

Apparently the Clue Clucks Clan was already taken.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?

An inside joke.

I tried to come up with a Star Wars Day joke...

but they all just felt forced.

What do you get when Redditors come up with a brilliant idea?

A punning clan with a cunning plan!

How many redditors does it take to come up with an original joke?

Apparently more than 15.8 million.

Didn't come up with this one but I love it

So I was living with my abusive aunt and uncle on their ranch. They would get mad easily and beat me for almost nothing and they often try to catch me doing things I'm not supposed to. One day my uncle came home with a new donkey named Dirty. He was really expensive and my aunt hated him but she cou...

"Son, come up here"

"But I don't want to!"

"Listen here, you'll come up this very moment!"

"No! You'll just throw me down again!"

I was trying to come up with a good joke about the drinks at the party

But it was lacking a punch line.

I was trying to come up with a joke about social security

I abandoned the idea because you probably won't get it

How did Bill Gates come up with the name Microsoft?

Ask his wife.

I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

Someone challenged me to come up with an original catholic priest joke, so I thought...

Nah, I'm not gonna touch that.

Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

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