Come Up Jokes - 61 Hilarious Come Up Jokes

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

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How did you come up with your reddit username?

I made mine when I stopped giving a shit

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

Two friends are walking their dogs and come up to a bar

The first friend goes up to the bar with his German Shepherd and orders a beer.

Bartender: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow pets in the bar.

Friend 1: You don't understand, I'm blind. This is my seeing eye dog.

Bartender: I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, sir. I'll get yo...

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies.

He’ll be..rolling in his grave.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

I hate it when my aunts and grannies come up to me at weddings and say "You're next."

So now I just do the same to them at funerals.

My wife asked me where I come up with my jokes ...

I told her I Reddit somewhere online ...

It is not easy to come up with jokes about undelivered letters.

People just don’t get them.

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha...

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I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…

…it’s about time!

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Can you come up with a better joke with this punchline?

Why did the king lock his beautiful virgin daughter away in a fortress when all the men came around?
Impregnability
(Work in Progress)

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What's wron...

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A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word

Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use...

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

I was going to tell a joke about vaporized water, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline

It was a mist opportunity.

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

Can we come up with a brand new, never ending joke.

So let’s say one person initiates the joke by coming up with a line, the next person either continues the set up or has a punchline but the punchline must also be able to set up the next persons line, etc etc etc, can it be done? Will it be consistently funny? I think I’ve made sense but I’m not gre...

I Spent All Week Trying to Come Up With a Joke About The French Army...

...but I decided to just give up.

I was trying to come up with a joke about my microscope.

Then I realized I had a bad objective.

I tried to come up with a good vaccine joke but what's the point.

Half of Americans won't get it anyways.

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

I've been trying to come up with a somewhat sensitive joke for the anniversary of Kobe Bryant's death

But I don't think it would land properly..

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

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I have come up with a new sex move.

Guy sticks dick in pussy, girl shoves fist in her own ass. girl somehow feels for dick and when she knows where she gives him a handjob inside of her. I call it 9/11 because its an inside job.

I couldn’t come up with names so...

Person 1: Did you know that there’s a secret menu at that burger place?

Person 2: No, tell me about it.

Person 1: The most secret is a burger. This burger is so hardcore that it qualifies as breakfast, lunch and dinner for 7 people, for 7 years. And if you finish it in under an hour, t...

How did the worst band in the world come up with their name?

After their first gig, the crowd was shouting that they wanted their nickle back.

Did I come up with this :P

So i tell all my friends this joke that isnt the funniest but I believe I came up with it by myself and I make sure I tell everyone I do. Am i wrong? haha.

anyway. Where is Yodas favourite place to drink?

Dagobah

Am I now a comedian or did I see this somewhere el...

"Son, come up here"

"But I don't want to!"

"Listen here, you'll come up this very moment!"

"No! You'll just throw me down again!"

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

I’m trying to come up with an iphone 11 joke...

It’s basically an iphone X joke with a few minor tweaks and improvements

Classical music jokes are easy to come up with

I could write you a long Liszt

My first Joke I have come up with.

A fart and a shart walk into a Pub.
"This place stinks! Exclaimed the fart.
" I feel ya" replied the shart.

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names..

I suggested Juan and Two

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

I've come up with a new screen resultion!!

The idea was thrown out, but I don't understand why, it was 0k

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should come up with a drug for erectile dysfunction....

And call it ElonGates!

I couldn't come up with a good pun about bones.

Maybe I'll come up with one Tomarrow.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

Didn't come up with this one but I love it

So I was living with my abusive aunt and uncle on their ranch. They would get mad easily and beat me for almost nothing and they often try to catch me doing things I'm not supposed to. One day my uncle came home with a new donkey named Dirty. He was really expensive and my aunt hated him but she cou...

Yesterday I heard they've come up with a cure for deafness.

Everybody will be able to hear about it soon.

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