A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

Two Men Are Lying in Hospital Beds

One with his leg in a large cast the other with a bandage on his head and his arm in a a sling

They get talking and the first man asks the second how he ending up in hospital

“Well” says the second “it’s a long story. I came home from work to find my wife in bed with another man, the ...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the...

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

Where do southern viking descendants go after death?

Y'allhalla

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, a...

The history of boy bands proves the theory of evolution

They all descended from The Monkees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night, two aliens descend from outer space...

...and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town. They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps.
The little alien says
"Take me to your leader."
The gas pump doesn't say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats
"Take me to your lea...

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.

Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, ...

I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

Imagine the disappointment when if a wolf knew it's descendant would be a pug

That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

The Chinese have lost control of their space station, Tiangong-1, which is falling out of orbit as it descends toward Earth,..

but, sure, nobody listened to me before, when I pointed out their red flag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Returns

A booming voice descends from the heavens. Jesus has returned. “I have come to take you unto heaven.” People on earth are besides themselves with joy. “Thank you Lord,” they scream, “we are ready.” “Jews only!” He says. “But Lord, what about the millions of Christians?” And Jesus says, “what’s a...

After Beethoven died and they buried him, you could hear his symphonies from the grave in the descending order, first his symphony No. 9, then No. 8 etc.

He was just decomposing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I waited a long time for my testicles to descend

When one finally did I had an inaugural ball

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Tommo was a canary. [long]

Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.

Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...

Did you know 1 in 200 men are directly descended from the leader of the Mongol Empire?

I was shocked too, but it made a lot more sense once I realized that back then there were no Genghis condoms.

I used to think I was descended from the Irish but thanks to a search on Ancestry.com…

…it turns out I'm just a drunk…

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Ma...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

What was the philosopher's last thought before he descended into quicksand?

I sink therefore I am.

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

The Archbishop of Canterbury

The Archbishop of Canterbury was making his first official visit to the U.S.A. His advisers advised him that he would need to be careful in answering any questions. As he disembarked from the plane a group of media reporters descended on him, and one thrust a microphone at him and said 'Say Archbish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."


The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?

they did it in con-descending order

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

A plane's engine suddenly catches on fire

As the plane starts to descend rapidly, a woman gets out of her seat, rips off her clothes and yells

"I want to feel like a woman for one last time!"

A man gets up, takes off his shirt and shouts

"Wash mine, too!"

A boy wanted to know where humans came from

He asked his mom and she said: "Humans are descended from monkeys."

Then he asks his dad and he said: "Humans came from adam and eve"

The boy was confused and replied: "But mom said we are descended from monkeys."

The dad laughs and says: "Son, your mom's family is none of my bu...

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend


The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed t...

Somebody told me I was condescending today.

Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store...

Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store when he notices a produce clerk eyeing him. He goes about his shopping, albeit a bit unnerved by the clerk’s hungry eyes.

Ajit turns down another aisle and sees the guy at the deli counter scoping him out like a lion would look at a wounded wildebeest. ...

I was walking past a prison the other day, and

I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.

I thought to myself, “now that’s a little con descending.”

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

Three friends go snowboarding

Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time.
However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort.
They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack.
But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realize ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very pious Jew is praying to God.

A very pious Jew is praying to God. He says “Oh God, I’ve read all of your words, studied the speeches of your prophets, but one thing has eluded me. If you could just tell me your name I would die a happy man.”

The man is startled to see God himself descend from the heavens, and listens as G...

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I blame the Jews

God descends to Earth to choose his people.

He goes to the Gypsies:

"Do you want to be the chosen ones?"

"We want, yes"

"But I have to give you a command ..."

"Give it to us,"

"Do not steal anymore."

"Thanks, bruh, we do not care"



He go...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

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