Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.

As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!"

"At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven."

The girls agree, and start climbing.

On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears.

On the 77t...

A girl reached into my pants today and said

I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that sonny?”

At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There”, said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. “Now what do we do young ...

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His gra...

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries,

China got it right off the bat.

When do Americans and the rest of the world reach consensus?

When it's -40°.

You know you’ve reached middle age when

you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

A son tells his dad that the number of Coronavirus cases has reached 200,000

The dad replies:

"Oh 400,000 cases of Coronavirus, huh? Did you know that over 60 million people get the flu every year? 800,000 cases isn't so much in the big scheme of things- When 2.8 million people are dying from obesity every year- why should I give a damn about 1.6 million cases?"

A man dies and reaches the pearly gates

Everyone is baking and she asks a man why. Surely cake is the best way to gain karma

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked: “What now?”

The boy answered: “Now we run like crazy!”

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

*gulp gok gaak khhh*

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A Dr reaches in his pocket for a pen and pulls out a thermometer

"Shit, some asshole has my pen"

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0?

He's 0K now!

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?

Because of the Finnish!

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

Corona virus has reached the Arab peninsula

Time for a Qurantine

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

If anyone is spending Christmas at home alone this year, please reach out to me.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Corona crisis reaches new level:

Iran out of toilet paper.

I bet my local butcher $100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

he said, "Sorry man, the steaks are too high."

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

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A couple reaches hospital to collect the medical reports of the wife. But due to carelessness of laboratory staff some reports got mixed up.

Doctor: “Your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”

Husband: “How can we find out which?”

Doctor: “I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don’t fuck her.

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

My biological father reached out to me towards the end of his life, but I ignored him, I still feel sorry...

..he fell off that cliff.

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was...

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by

The first little old lady... Had a stroke

The second little old lady... Had a stroke

But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

I was filling my water bottle from the freezer door, and an ice cube fell out and slid out of reach

I was about to get angry but then I realized, no, now it’s just water under the fridge

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ...

... and tell no one.

Why are short people always sad?

They cant reach happiness

I once reached an all time low in life, when my entire job was just to wake someone up in the morning.

It was alarming.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

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My GF told me to name all the girls that I had sex with

I should have stopped when I reached her name

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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An old.. dirty whaling joke.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Why do people get depressed when they reach the peak of Mount Everest?

Because it's all downhill from there

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill?

It was all down hill from there.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:<...

The horse who drinks bourbon

A horse walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of bourbon. The bartender, uneasy from meeting an actual talking horse asks “ya got any money?” The horse reaches back into its saddle and produces a hundred dollar bill. The man pours the drinks, the horse drinks every single one in quick order and leave...

Children

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

Why is visiting Taj Mahal before you reach your destination a cure for erectile dysfunction?

Coz it forces you to take the via Agra route

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A nurse reaches into her pocket

and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, great. Some asshole's got my pen"

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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When you're having sex...just as you reach Nirvana, but before you have The Offspring, what do you make?

Pearl Jam

What do you call a 60 year old that hasn't reached puberty?

A late boomer

A monocle walks into a bar

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A doctor contacts his patient with his test results

“I have bad news and worse news,”The doctor said “The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live”

“What could be worse than that?” The patient replied

The doctor replied “ I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday”

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The Scottish Castaway

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island
for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a...

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

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Two nuns are driving through the Irish countryside

It’s a nice Sunday afternoon, so they’re going pretty slow, just enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden a man comes running across the road screaming. So the nun driving slams on the breaks, and the man jumps on the windshield and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs.

One of the nuns...

Two nuns sat on a park bench when a man ran up in a trench coat and flashed them

One nun instantly had a stroke... the other couldn’t quite reach it

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Old ladies

Two old ladies were sitting outside a pharmacy smoke a cigarette when it starts to rain. One old lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom, snips the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other old lady looks shocked and says, "I'm gonna have to try that."
So ...

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My wife said that if this post reaches more than 1000 upvotes she will agree to anal

with her boyfriend

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the ...

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Johhny asks his teacher for help getting his shoes on

From the get go it is a struggle to get them on, and when his teacher reached the second shoe she is already out of breath. When she finally manages to get the second shoe on, Johhny looks at her and through his only four teeth says: "Mith, I think my feet are the wrong way round". She looks down an...

Two Clever Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder...

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, and enticing Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.


The males are speechless before the hottie, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her c...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

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Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..

As he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.

The young nun looks up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”

The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.

Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the n...

Two Aggies bag a deer

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the de...

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked t...

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.

“How are the carrots doing?” Said the Diplomat.

“Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever!” Replies the farmer.

“I see, and how are the beets?”

“Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he...

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery." The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speed...

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

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Wal- Matt

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

Little Johnny

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters...

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds an...

A woman plans to pay her sister a visit. They haven't seen one another for years, since her sister moved to New York.

"So, Rebecca- what's the best way I should find your apartment?"

"Well, Miriam it's real easy. When you leave the subway you'll see the great big tower-block, the one with the revolving glass-door to your immediate right. Give it a shove with your foot and scuttle inside while it's turning. S...

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

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Kid goes to the local pet store...

A 10 tear old boy with a bad lisp goes to the local pet store and asks "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

The shop keeper says "Go away kid, I'm busy."

The boy leaves and comes back a couple of days later and says "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

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A Guy Gets on an Airplane

All is normal until about an hour in when the guy hears a strange noise. Shortly after, the captain says “uh folks there’s nothing to worry about, one of our engines just broke. Luckily, we have two more, but there will be a delay in reaching our final destination”. About another half hour goes by a...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

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A drunkard ina pub makes a bet with the barman...

He says to the barman, "I bet you fifty dollars I can piss in this glass whilst you roll it down the bar!" The barman agrees to the bet,and sets the glass up.

He rolls the glass along the bar, with the drunkard frantically trying to land a drop in it.

To the barman's joy, the glass r...

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