Reach Jokes - 131 Hilarious Reach Jokes

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

...

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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How does a red-headed man reach orgasm?

Alone.

A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial.

I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula

The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

If you can’t reach 8 cups a day

Just remember a bottle of 40% is 60% water!

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

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My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.

"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.

He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".

I’ve reached the age where I can’t tell..

whether I have sustained an injury, or that’s just the way I am now.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

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A doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.

"Oh darn!" he said, "Some asshole has my pen."

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

I've finally reached an age old enough to buy an "adult" inflatable.

I brought it home and unpackaged it. I carefully read the instructions, ran my hand over the material. It was a strange feeling. I didn't expect I'd ever reach the point of using one. I fiddled with it a bit, then checked the hole. The thing was wide enough for my whole arm! But I inflated it anyway...

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.

I’m not sure if…he made it up.

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

I dont normally give reach-arounds

But when in Jerome..

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

What does a youtuber say after reaching nirvana?

I’m content.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

What worse then having your doctor reach up and grab your shoulder while giving you a prostate exam?

Having your doctor reach up and grab both your shoulders while doing you prostrate exam

"How do I reach Nirvana?"

First of all, Kurt's kind of hard to reach, and I don't think the rest really want to be bothered.

My wife can’t reach the towels.

I set the bar pretty high.

As a priest walks down the street, he notices a young girl struggling to reach the door knocker on a tall front door.

"Allow me to assist," he offers, knocking on the door for her.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" he asks kindly.

"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."

An engineer dies and reaches hell.

It's way too hot there. The engineer finds out the A.C is not rightly installed and fixes it. There are televisions but none are working. The engineer soon finds out what's wrong with the cable receiver and fixes it too. He fixes the electricity circuit and it's no longer dark. He also gets wifi con...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.

As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!"

"At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven."

The girls agree, and start climbing.

On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears.

On the 77t...

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok, step stool it is.

Three friends die and reach the gates of Heaven

Three friends named John, Mike and Nick die and reach the gates of Heaven. There they meet St. Peter,he calls the first man, John, and says:"John, as I can see you have never cheated on your wife so take this Lamborghini to cruise around Heaven forever! John happily takes the car and goes to Heaven....

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Two guys reach the gates of Heaven together

God comes to meet them and asks them how they want to spend their first night in Heaven. The first guy breaks down crying, tells God how much he missed his wife after she passed while he was still on Earth, how she's the most beautiful woman on the planet and her kindness and patience made her a pe...

I am driving through England and plan to reach Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...

Charles reached the Pearly Gates and was confronted by Saint Peter

\-*Welcome my dear, what's your name so I can check on the list?*

Charles gave him his name and Saint Peter looked it over and said:

\-*I'm sorry to inform you, but you are not on my list.*

Charles started to sweat and tried to argue:

\-But I was good, I did a lot of good...

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.

The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.

...

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A girl reaches into the glove compartment of her boyfriends car for a condom...

and finds one missing. They had bought that box together, and it was now open and missing one. Furious, she asked him what the deal was.
"Oh, I masturbated with one on, just to see what it would feel like."
Satisfied with this answer, but still curious, they went on with their business. She wa...

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

It's illegal to reach the end of a rainbow

If you find it, you go to prism.

The amount of bad Coronavirus jokes are starting to reach worrying numbers.

Some scientist claim it might become a pundemic!

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

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What did Tenzing Norgay say to Sir Edmund Hillary when they reached the summit of Mt. Everest?

It’s all downhill from here.

Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy?

Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.

The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

If you take highways to reach places, what do you use to leave places?

A byeway.

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Does your Dick reach your Asshole?

A boy passes Freshman year of high school with an A, so happily he goes to father asking for a 100 dollars so he can party with his friends.
Father asks him, "Does your Dick reach your Asshole?" to which the boy obviously says no. So the father denies his request.

In the Sophomore year the...

Someone put the Twix out of reach of everybody.

So I thought to myself: "That's raising the bar a bit too high."

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table...

...took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married thirty years, and there's something I must know. In all of these thirty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth swallowed hard and replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful...

"Hey, you've reached your oven...

you know what to do after the beep."

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A nurse reaches into her pocket

and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, great. Some asshole's got my pen"

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?

Because of the Finnish!

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?

The ova achiever

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English."

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Husband and wife

Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

Him: "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill...

Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.

Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

Why can’t scientists reach absolute zero?

Because only a Sith deals with absolutes.

If two alligators have reach an agreement...

... do they have a crocodeal?

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries,

China got it right off the bat.

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

Why can’t 4 reach 6?

Cause of the High Five.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription

and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

When do Americans and the rest of the world reach consensus?

When it's -40°.

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.

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Physicians were unable to reach a consensus:

Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetrician...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

After you reach Nirvana but before you make The Offspring, what goes in the Bush?

Pearl Jam.

Maybe this is the wrong community to reach out to when I'm feeling helpless

I found out how to spell yoyo today... Why oh why oh...

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

You know you’ve reached middle age when

you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

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How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

Wait for few months till we reach 2020

Then we can hear '10's playlist' on Spotify

Corona virus has reached the Arab peninsula

Time for a Qurantine

Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

What’s it called when a mushroom reaches its climax?

Sporegasm

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Can your dick reach (original version]

I am sick of seeing this joke mangled into the nonsense form that is always posted here, so for future reference this is how it goes:

---------------------------------

A five-year-old boy goes up to his grandpa and asks "Can I have a dollar to buy some candy?" The grandpa replies "Can ...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

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