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Carrots Jokes

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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

Two women were harvesting carrots.

One of them pulled a huge carrot from the ground and exclaimed "This one reminds me of my husband!"

"So large?" asked her friend.

"No - so dirty."

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

Carrots are a great thing to eat

when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

What do you call carrots with a vendetta?

Revengetables

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

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I think Oranges were named before Carrots

"What are these?"

"They're orange....oranges"

"What about these"

"Shit....long pointys???"

Demitri Martin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYVrp_GsinE

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

“Carrots, have you got carrots?”, he asks.

The pharmacist replies: “No, this is a pharmacy. If you want carrots you should check out the grocery store.”

On the next day the rabbit comes back and asks: “Carrots, have you got carrots?”

The pharmacist replies: “No, I told you yeste...

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight?

They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab...

and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get...

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