I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

What do you call carrots with a vendetta?

Revengetables

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

They say: carrots are good for your eyes...

... but enough alcohol doubles your eyesight ;-))))

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

Ok, dad joke time.

A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, “I can tell right away you’re not eating right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

What would a snowman say if he could talk?

"I smell carrots."

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

Two women were harvesting carrots

One woman pulled out a huge carrot and showed it to the other woman.

"This one reminds me of my husband."

"Oh - so big?"

"No - so dirty."

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

what do cars eat?

CARrots

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

Good fairy gave a fox and a rabbit three wishes

Fox’s first wish was a female fox.

Rabbit wished for a sack full of carrots.

Fox wished for a second female fox.

Rabbit’s second wish was a moped.

Fox’s third wish was a third female fox.

Rabbit threw the sack of carrots on his back, hopped on the moped and started...

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

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