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Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing

I used the finest tuxedo!

Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad...

I think it needs addressing

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

What comes after tossing Caesar's salad?

Caesar dressing

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

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Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

Why was the salad wearing a cowboy outfit?

It was trying out the ranch dressing.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

A bowl of salad went to church

Lettuce pray

It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night.

Lettuce be seen without dressing.

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A translated joke

A man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.

The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever trash I have lying around".

The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you 10000$!"

The next day another man approaches ...

My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it…

I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’

She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

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What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

What was the epileptic chefs special menu item?

Seizure Salad.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch?

He was making a seizure salad.



....I’ll see myself out.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Anniversary dinner

A husband takes his wife out to dinner for their anniversary. They both order lobster and a salad.
After a few bites of her salad the wife started holding her mouth as if in pain. The husband asks whats wrong? She said "This salad is extremely cold!" The husband replied "Of course, it's made wi...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar

The three sit down, order, and start chatting while enjoying their drinks, discuss why they believe what they do.

The Priest says "I try to live by the Word of God and love my neighbor as I love myself, showing my flock the same philosophy. By accepting this into my heart, I hope to earn my ...

Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes.

They both haven't got any meat to them

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight...

...I’ve added a salad to every meal

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

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