her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

What did the priest say to the salad?

Lettuce pray

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

### A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich. ...

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

A chicken sees her salad

Are you salad??

Cause I'm addressing you!

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it a few times.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband comes home from work.

Husband: Hi honey I take it we are having Salad for dinner tonight?

Wife: Yes we are, how did you know that?

Husband: Because I cant hear the fucking smoke alarm!

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

What do you call an epileptic vegetarian?

Seizure salad

An interesting title

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken Caesar salad

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?



A salad shooter.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock

A CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock are sitting around discussing how fucked their lives are.

“My life sucks,” said the cucumber. “When I get big and fat they cut me to pieces and chuck me in a salad.”

“That’s nothing,” said the gherkin. “When I get big and fat they squash me in a jar with t...

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A longish darkish joke about 3 construction workers

3 construction workers are eating lunch on the edge of the unfinished 13th floor of an office building.

The welder opens his lunchbox in disgust and says “tuna salad again? I’m gonna have a talk with my wife because if I I have to eat tuna salad again, I’m going to jump off this building.”...

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

The man who thought his wifes job was easy. Nothing prepared him for this.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed.
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to swit...

What type of salad do plankton eat?

Seizure Salad

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

I hate polish jokes

I went into a deli the other day and I ask for a polish sausage. The deli man says " oh you must be polish"
I said "what why would you think that because I'm polish, I gotta order a polish sausage?"

I says "if I guy came in and ordered German potato salad, would you consider that guy a Ger...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, tired after a long days work, walks into a bar.

He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it comes with your choice of twelve top shelf bottles."
...

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What did a brain surgeon order at a restaurant?

A seizure salad

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A giraffe walks into a restaurant...

He asks the waiter, "Do you have any food specifically for giraffes?"

The waiter thinks for a second and comes back with a plate of spaghetti with the longest fork you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the giraffe says, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the restauran...

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

A Woman goes into a laundromat

The woman says: “I spilled salad on it.” The Worker, not hearing them, said: “Come again?”
The woman says: “No, not this time, it was salad.”

Now serving: the Titanic Wedge Salad!

It's made from iceberg lettuce.

Note: I did not make this up. This is actually on the menu at my former workplace (the dining room at my grandmother's retirement home).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.

Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.

Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

Why did the little girl close her eyes after opening the refrigerator?

Because she saw the salad dressing.

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

I work at a salad bar. We were told this after the CDC warning.

Lettuce Romaine Calm.

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

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