Why the salad named after Caesar?

Because you have to stab it repeatedly to finish it off...

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How does a salad get ready for sex?

It starts by un*dressing* and then it puts a *condom*-ent on

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

What type of salad do plankton eat?

Seizure Salad

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,

"You're a big girl!"

She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "Salad tastes nice"

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

Why doesn’t Nigel Farage eat salad?

....Because he hates romaine

More seizure jokes

What do you call a guy that has an epileptic fit in a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her somethi...

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

When changing your diet to salad,

It's best not to dive head-first.

Why did the salad cross the road?

To get away from the PETA convention.

I made a chicken salad..

It hasn't eaten it yet but I hope it'll enjoy it

I made a "Titanic style" salad

It's mostly composed of iceberg lettuce

What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?

Ceasar

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

You walk into a gas station to buy a salad

You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.

Trump never eats russian salad...

He knows what Vladmir Putin it.

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

I like my hoes like I like my salad dressing...

On the side

Have you heard of a Trump Salad?

It's Russian dressing with a little pickle

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

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