The 78+ Best Salad Jokes

How do you make a Caesar salad from a salad?

You stab it 23 times

Ingredients for a “Honeymoon Salad”

Lettuce alone without dressing.

Did you hear about the plate full of salads that was sent to the wrong table?

Lettuce tray was led astray.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

Bland salad is a problem.

It needs addressing.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

One liner

What do epileptic vegetarians eat?

-Seizure Salads

Do u know y i knock on my fridge before opening

Because there might be a salad dressing inside

What do salads say in church?

Lettuce pray.

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A pickle, a cucumber, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad."

The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten."

The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they thro...

A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.

CAESER?! The waiter exclaimed. No, waldorf he replied.

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Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

What’s a wolf’s favorite salad green?

Awooooo-gula!

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

What did the DJ say at the Salad Bar?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

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Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.

The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

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What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

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