This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

What do Christians say before eating a salad ?

Lettuce pray

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

I made a Salad for 23 people to destroy

It was a Caesar salad

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing

I used the finest tuxedo!

Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad...

I think it needs addressing

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

Why was the salad wearing a cowboy outfit?

It was trying out the ranch dressing.

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

A chicken sees her salad.

Always make sure to knock on your fridge door before opening..

There is a chance there might be a salad dressing

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

Dad jokes

What do you call a hen staring at a head of lettuce?

A Chicken-sees-a-salad......

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ice cream .
Ice cream who?
Ice cream so you can hear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A translated joke

A man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.

The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever trash I have lying around".

The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you 10000$!"

The next day another man approaches ...

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

What was the epileptic chefs special menu item?

Seizure Salad.

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

What's the name of a caesar salad in China?

Cesar Millan salad

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.