a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing wont even eat it.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

I like my women like I like my salad

I hate salad

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,

"You're a big girl!"

She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "Salad tastes nice"

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

Why doesn’t Nigel Farage eat salad?

....Because he hates romaine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

What did the Priest say to the Nun at the salad bar?

Lettuce Pray.

More seizure jokes

What do you call a guy that has an epileptic fit in a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad.

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees her salad.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?

Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?


I peed

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

I'd also like to share a joke from my grandpa: "Fruit Salad"

Two man sit next to each other inside a train. One of them takes an apple, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into a bowl. Next, he takes a pear, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into the bowl as well. The other man notices and asks him: "Excuse me, may I ask what you are doing the...

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

What did the religious salad say to the fruit

Lettuce rejoice and be grapeful

Why did the salad cross the road?

To get away from the PETA convention.

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

I made a "Titanic style" salad

It's mostly composed of iceberg lettuce

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her somethi...

I made a chicken salad..

It hasn't eaten it yet but I hope it'll enjoy it

When changing your diet to salad,

It's best not to dive head-first.

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

You walk into a gas station to buy a salad

You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?


Trump never eats russian salad...

He knows what Vladmir Putin it.

I like my hoes like I like my salad dressing...

On the side

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

Have you heard of a Trump Salad?

It's Russian dressing with a little pickle

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

What's the worst part of being a cook in prison?

Having to toss everyone's salad

Why did the tomato turn red

It saw the salad dressing.

What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say?

"I feel a bit overdressed."

How does Brutus eat his salad?

With a knife and Caesar dressing.

The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation

"Lettuce pray"