I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it a few times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a salad get ready for sex?

It starts by un*dressing* and then it puts a *condom*-ent on

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a HERbefore.

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

What do you call a rooster that stares at lettuce all day long?

Chicken sees a salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What type of salad do plankton eat?

Seizure Salad

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.

Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

I always knock on the fridge before I open it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

A man walks up to the register and unloads his basket.

He slaps down some Hungry Man TV dinners, single serving ice cream tubs, a toilet paper four-pack, a single serving of macaroni salad, and one apple. The cashier looks at his groceries and says, “You must be single.”

The man looks up and says, “Can you tell because of what I’m buying?”
...

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes.

They both haven't got any meat to them

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad.

It really needs a-dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

guy who's about to invent croutons

*[eating salad]:* I wish this hurt

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

When changing your diet to salad,

It's best not to dive head-first.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.