How do you make any salad a ceasar salad

Stab it 23 times

Why the salad named after Caesar?

Because you have to stab it repeatedly to finish it off...

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a salad get ready for sex?

It starts by un*dressing* and then it puts a *condom*-ent on

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

Chicken sees a salad.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Screw

A man, tired after a long day's work, walks into a bar. He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it co...

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad.

It really needs a-dressing

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

guy who's about to invent croutons

*[eating salad]:* I wish this hurt

What kind of dressing did the mechanic use on his salad?

Wrench dressing.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

What did Romans do for food when they got caught between cannibalism and veganism?

Caesar Salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

Why was the ketchup blushing?

It saw the salad dressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

I went on a date with a vegan

We went to a restaurant and i ordered a steak while she ordered a salad.

When the food arrived, she kept saying "Enjoying your meat, murderer?"

God i just wish she stopped mentioning the time i shot her mom and stabbed her father.

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

There's nothing more annoying than people who get their sayings wrong.

I mean, it's not rocket salad.

Why do fruit salads always get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

What do you call a coma ward?

A veggie salad

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

When changing your diet to salad,

It's best not to dive head-first.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:

"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"

Hank Hill responds:

"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

I made a chicken salad..

It hasn't eaten it yet but I hope it'll enjoy it

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.