A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

A bowl of salad went to church

Lettuce pray

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

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A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber says: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar and onions for a month!"

Penis replies: "Well, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put a bag all over me, put me in a da...

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

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What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it a few times.

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?

A chicken sees her salad

Are you salad??

Cause I'm addressing you!

Why was the tomato blushing?

He saw the salad dressing.

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One of my favorite jokes

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar...

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

A blonde walks into a library

A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:

Can I get a chicken salad?

The librarian answers: sorry, this is a library

The blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Bob and Rose are getting on in years, and their memories aren't what they used to be.

They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older.

"One thing you could try", the doc says, "is to write down the things you need to remember. Many of my patients say that he...

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

What type of salad do plankton eat?

Seizure Salad

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

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sex joke #2

a cucumber, a pickle and a penis, are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. the cucumber says, "my life fucking sucks.. im put into salads and to top em off, they drizzle dressing all over me.."
"my life sucks.." says the pickle. "that's nothing compared to my life, im put in vinegar an...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

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CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock

A CUCUMBER, gherkin, and cock are sitting around discussing how fucked their lives are.

“My life sucks,” said the cucumber. “When I get big and fat they cut me to pieces and chuck me in a salad.”

“That’s nothing,” said the gherkin. “When I get big and fat they squash me in a jar with t...

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?



A salad shooter.

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad.

It really needs a-dressing

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

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A man, tired after a long days work, walks into a bar.

He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it comes with your choice of twelve top shelf bottles."
...

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

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