The 89+ Best Salad Jokes

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

How do you make a honeymoon salad?

>!Lettuce alone, without any dressing.!<

My great grandmother used to travel on boats between the Philippines, England, and America \~100 years ago. During the down time on ships, she learned to entertain people, and come up with jokes, this was a good one that's been passed down throu...

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

Did you hear about the plate full of salads that was sent to the wrong table?

Lettuce tray was led astray.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

Ingredients for a “Honeymoon Salad”

Lettuce alone without dressing.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

Bland salad is a problem.

It needs addressing.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich and a cat behind him..

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

What do salads say in church?

Lettuce pray.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.

CAESER?! The waiter exclaimed. No, waldorf he replied.

What’s a wolf’s favorite salad green?

Awooooo-gula!

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

How do you make a Caesar salad from a salad?

You stab it 23 times

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

What did the DJ say at the Salad Bar?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

I make a pretty good corn salad...

In fact it's amaizeing.

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

what kind of salad dressing do you want before a hot date?

ceaser dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

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Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

Why was the salad wearing a cowboy outfit?

It was trying out the ranch dressing.

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS.

A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale.

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

My fruit salad is now all currants.

I updated the recipe when I realized I was out of dates.

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

Did you here about the latest new thing to serve salad?

It's just a big fork 'n' spoon!

Now serving: the Titanic Wedge Salad!

It's made from iceberg lettuce.

Note: I did not make this up. This is actually on the menu at my former workplace (the dining room at my grandmother's retirement home).

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad.

It really needs a-dressing

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

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