I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

Are you salad??

Cause I'm addressing you!

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a HERbefore.

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it a few times.

Why didn’t the salad get an upvote?

It got tossed

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

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what's the difference between fucking a vegan and a carnivore?

a vegan will just toss your salad a little. a carnivore will full-on pork you.

I always knock before opening a refrigerator door

just in case there is a salad dressing!

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

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A giraffe walks into a restaurant...

He asks the waiter, "Do you have any food specifically for giraffes?"

The waiter thinks for a second and comes back with a plate of spaghetti with the longest fork you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the giraffe says, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the restauran...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What do you call a chicken that stares at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

A Woman goes into a laundromat

The woman says: “I spilled salad on it.” The Worker, not hearing them, said: “Come again?”
The woman says: “No, not this time, it was salad.”

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

Why did the little girl close her eyes after opening the refrigerator?

Because she saw the salad dressing.

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.

Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.

Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

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A woman is in line at the grocery store

As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."

She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, ap...

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Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

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A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

“Lettuce, turnip, I’m dropping beets”

-DJ Salad Spinner at Madison Square Gardens

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

Why doesn’t Nigel Farage eat salad?

....Because he hates romaine

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.

Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

I work at a salad bar. We were told this after the CDC warning.

Lettuce Romaine Calm.

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

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