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Salad Jokes

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

How do you make a honeymoon salad?

>!Lettuce alone, without any dressing.!<

My great grandmother used to travel on boats between the Philippines, England, and America \~100 years ago. During the down time on ships, she learned to entertain people, and come up with jokes, this was a good one that's been passed down throu...

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad.

You just need to stab it enough times.

Ingredients for a “Honeymoon Salad”

Lettuce alone without dressing.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

Bland salad is a problem.

It needs addressing.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.

CAESER?! The waiter exclaimed. No, waldorf he replied.

is was raining salad dressing today

it was a toRANCHal downfall.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

What’s a wolf’s favorite salad green?

Awooooo-gula!

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

What did the DJ say at the Salad Bar?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

I make a pretty good corn salad...

In fact it's amaizeing.

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

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Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

What do you call a story about freshly picked, wild salad greens that go bad when shipped through the USPS.

A stale trail kale snail mail fail tale.

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

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What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

My fruit salad is now all currants.

I updated the recipe when I realized I was out of dates.

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

Did you here about the latest new thing to serve salad?

It's just a big fork 'n' spoon!

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?

Ceasar

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

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