UPJOKE
vegetablelettucecucumbercheesepotato saladtomatodishcarrotspinachtuna saladvinaigrettemayonnaisepastaonionsalad bar

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

if you stab it enough.

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

Bland salad is a problem.

It needs addressing.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

What do salads say in church?

Lettuce pray.

What’s a wolf’s favorite salad green?

Awooooo-gula!

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

What did the DJ say at the Salad Bar?

Lettuce turnip the beet!

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

I make a pretty good corn salad...

In fact it's amaizeing.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

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Salads are a lot like orgasms...

They're always better when someone else makes them.

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

I made a Salad for 23 people to destroy

It was a Caesar salad

A guy is sitting outside on a bench, eating a burger...

when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.


She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him "You know, a cow died somewhere so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?"


As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies "It's a sham...

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

What does the god Set eat with his salad?

Horus d’oeuvres.

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

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Going to a restaurant to eat salad

Is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing

I used the finest tuxedo!

I always make sure to knock on the fridge before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

What does a Redditor eat on a salad?

Blue cheese.

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?

A chicken sees her salad

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

What did the vegan with Alzheimers eat?

Word salad.

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

I made a chicken salad this morning.

The stupid thing won't even eat it.

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

Why was the tomato blushing?

It saw the salad dressing

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

I knocked on the fridge

My girlfriend asked me: “Why do you knock on the fridge?”

I thought she knew why, but obviously she didn’t.

I told her: “Because there could be a salad dressing..”

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night.

Lettuce be seen without dressing.

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

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What does a large Karen use to eat her salad?

A Bitchfork

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

A man and his wife went to a new restaurant...

A waiter soon comes up to their table.
Waiter: Good evening, what would you like to order?
Wife: I would like to have the salad, no nuts, please.
Waiter: Certainly, ma'am.

The man quickly leans over to his wife.
Man: But there isn't any mention of nuts in the menu de...

55 protons, 78 neutrons, 55 electrons, 6 croutons.

Cesium salad.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

Why did the trans man only eat salad?

Because he was a herbefore.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Tom: Hey, do you like fruits?

James: Not really.

Tom: And salad?

James: Not much.

Tom: Then you’re not gonna like what I did.

James: What? You made fruit salad?

Tom: Nah, I made out with your wife.

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

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