I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What type of salad do plankton eat?

Seizure Salad

What do you call it when a chicken looks at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,

"You're a big girl!"

She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "Salad tastes nice"

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

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LPT: when eating out, never order the chef's salad

It's a dick move, just order your own

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

What did the cop say to the salad?

Everyone romaine calm!

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

More seizure jokes

What do you call a guy that has an epileptic fit in a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad.

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

What's an epileptic's least favorite type of salad?

Seizure salad

A salad was arrested for public indecency...

I guess it should've gotten dressed before leafing.

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

What kind of dressing did the mechanic use on his salad?

Wrench dressing.

Did you here about the latest new thing to serve salad?

It's just a big fork 'n' spoon!

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?

Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

If you see me in a restaurant and I am having a salad

I have been kidnapped and I am signaling you.

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?


I peed

Why did the salad cross the road?

To get away from the PETA convention.

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

Where do Salads try on clothes?

The dressing room

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

A group of rebellious, man eating salads violently take over and begin eating all humans

A final group of survivors are hiding in a church and a little boy says to the priest

"Father, there are too many of them, what are we going to do? What will become of us?"

The priest says to the boy:

"Lettuce prey"

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her somethi...

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I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish

It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.

That was just the tip of the iceburg

I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken

I didn't know where to start.

Did you hear about the salad who went missing?

All they found were its chard romaines

I made a "Titanic style" salad

It's mostly composed of iceberg lettuce

I hate that salad can't get into nightclubs...

Like, come on man, lettuce in

When changing your diet to salad,

It's best not to dive head-first.

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

You walk into a gas station to buy a salad

You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.

Trump never eats russian salad...

He knows what Vladmir Putin it.

I like my hoes like I like my salad dressing...

On the side

What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?


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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

Have you heard of a Trump Salad?

It's Russian dressing with a little pickle

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

What's the worst part of being a cook in prison?

Having to toss everyone's salad

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