I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

If I have high blood sugar,

Am I a sweet-heart?

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

Sugar is a gateway drug

It gets you addicted to coke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

Teacher vs redditor

*Teacher:* ''Construct a sentence using the word "sugar''
*Redditor:* ''I drank tea this morning.''
*Teacher:* ''Where is the word sugar.''
*Redditor:* ''It is already in the tea..!!''



*TEACHER*: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.

*TEACHER* : Class, what is photos...

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

Wow! My dad loves sugar!

He loves it so much that he even puts it in his nose!

I know I'm a little chubby

So I don't really mind getting called fat - give it to me straight, don't sugarcoat it.

Actually, sugar is the last thing I need right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

I finally found a recipe that is gluten free, fat free, dairy free and contains no sugar.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Woman walks into Starbucks

-We recommend caffeine-free coffee for pregnant women.
-I'm not pregnant.
-Wow, how about sugar-free then?

I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

What do you call a dinosaur that ate too much sugar

Cankersaurus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old couple getting frisky

Husband says to wife 'Martha, tomorrow will be our 60th wedding anniversary and my 82nd birthday. We haven't had sex since last year! I need some loving, sugar.'

Martha responds, with a sigh 'Well okay, but no thumb up the butt this time.'

Don frustratingly replies 'Dammit! it's my thu...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

Starting a sugar daddy dating site for people into 80s music.

I'm calling it Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

Sugar Shorts . . .

A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down of...

Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."

I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

Mike Pence and Donald Trump are getting coffee.

Trump: I will have less sugars.
Pence: Actually boss, it’s fewer.
Trump: I told you not to call me that outside of the bedroom.

An American couple, an English couple and a Ukrainian couple are dining together.

The american husband says "could you pass me the honey, honey?" to his wife. The English man says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife. The Ukrainian husband sees this and says "pass me the bacon, you pig!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spellin...

My daughter asked me what a sugar daddy was.

I gave her £2000 to never ask me that again.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar

Now that's a sweet ass

A confectioner was bad at breaking bad news

People told him to stop sugar-coating everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana...

to sweeten the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

My wife was upset and asked if I thought she was fat

To calm her down I replied 'oh Honey.. sugar, sweetie pie.. avoiding these would be a good start'

I got two packs o' sugar...

Call me Two Canes

^I'm ^sorry.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

[True story] My girlfriend told me tonight that sugar was my enemy.

I replied "You know what they say. Keep your enemies closer than your friends."

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

If girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice ...

Why do they smell like tuna?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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