I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

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Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

Jokes about white sugar are rare

But jokes about brown sugar... demerara

I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory...

until his position was dissolved.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in a swimming pool?
Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s on the wall?
Art


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in front of a door?
Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or leg...

"excuse me, is this sugar free?"

**Cashier:** No. You have to pay for it.

What do you have without fat and sugar?

Napkins

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Why do we shake the sugar bag before opening it?

Because if we did it after, it would be scattered all over the fucking place.

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

What do you call a sugar daddy that you're only friends with?

A paypal

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was ...

The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office...

“I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”

“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”

“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose. Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -“

“Stop right there”, I said. “No need to sugar coat it.”

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

You're fat, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it...

Otherwise you might end up eating that too

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

A group of Hell's Angel's were riding along...

Last week, a group of Hell's Angel's bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about to jump off a railway Bridge.
They stopped.
Blaze Wilder, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha...

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

Sugar

A donkey fell into a ditch filled with sugar








Now that's a sweet ass

I honestly hate this joke that white people don't know how to season food, it's so untrue

I put sugar on my cereal every day

The dumbest 'joke' I've ever been told

A friend and I are walking home and he says to me:

"Did you know 'sugar' is the only word in the english language where 'su' makes an 'sh' sound?"

"No, I didn't."

"You were supposed to say 'sure....'"

3 men stranded in a desert approached by a genie

One of them is smart, one a sugar addict, and one stupid one.

a slide appears in front of them and the genie says whatever they say as they go down it will be what they land in.

The smart on goes down, and yells "water", and lands in a big pool of fresh, clean water.

Then the su...

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Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

If I have high blood sugar,

Am I a sweet-heart?

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

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An old man told it

Back in the old days women would make dresses out of feed sacks. The sacks that sugar comes in were made into undergarments/panties. A young lady went to a dance one night she was dancing and got tripped up on someone’s feet. She fell backward on her butt and the dress went over her head. Her pantie...

A kid is walking down the street looking slightly guilty, but mostly sick...

His mouth looks full of something. A guy sees him and walks up to him.
The guy says, “Hey kid, you don’t look too good. Did you get your hands on some chewing tobacco?”
The kid says, “No. I stole one of my mom’s sugar-free chocolate bars.”

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

Sugar is a gateway drug

It gets you addicted to coke

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

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An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..

The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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Life is like a sugar daddy

I let him fuck me in the ass so he treats me good from time to time.

My ass is sore.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

Wow! My dad loves sugar!

He loves it so much that he even puts it in his nose!

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

If ice cream were to come from a sugar cow, where would money come from?

A sugar daddy.

I finally found a recipe that is gluten free, fat free, dairy free and contains no sugar.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

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Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

A man decided to become a monk

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has be...

I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

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How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

Starting a sugar daddy dating site for people into 80s music.

I'm calling it Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

What do you call a dinosaur that ate too much sugar

Cankersaurus

What are those things you blow to make a wish?

Sugar daddies

Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

My daughter asked me what a sugar daddy was.

I gave her £2000 to never ask me that again.

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

What do you call your Irish boyfriend who buys you anything you want?

Sugar Paddy

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

"The Dog Story" from Lewis Grizzard

One of the greatest, "The Dog Story"

>We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.
85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. Peopl...

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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