UPJOKE
sucrosefructoseglucosesugarcanesugar beetmolassescarbohydratebeet sugarcane sugarjaggerysweetmonosaccharidesaccharidelactosesweetener

I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.

I'm ambi-dextrose.

How do you call it, when a sugar daddy falls in love with a girl?

Candy Crush.

Being a pet owner is like being a sugar daddy.

You waste all of your money on keeping them happy and the only thing they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

Sugar... Spice... and Everything Nice

These were the ingredients God chose to create the perfect dry rub for a rib.

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

Mary Poppins in the 60's: "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down."

Eli Lilly & Merck in the 00's, "A syringe-full of medicine makes the sugar go down."

A man orders coffee with no cream and no sugar.

After a few minutes, the waitress comes back and says, "we're out of cream. What about no milk?"

What do you call a sugar momma you only interact with online?

EBae

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar?

Demerara

I once had a sugar daddy

It was nothing wierd. My father had type II diabetes.

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"

At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be si...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

A young man is at brunch with his sugar momma.

A young man is at brunch with his sugar momma for the first time since they started seeing eachother. He had been nervous about being in public, but figured it would be fine. As they are sitting there having a nice time, another woman approaches the table and greets them. The young man looks petrifi...

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

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What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

What's the difference between powdered sugar and cocain?

Exaclty, said Rasputin.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

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Why do we shake the sugar bag before opening it?

Because if we did it after, it would be scattered all over the fucking place.

You're fat, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it...

Otherwise you might end up eating that too

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory...

until his position was dissolved.

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.

I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

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Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

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What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

If ice cream were to come from a sugar cow, where would money come from?

A sugar daddy.

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

I saw the face of Jesus in my bowl of sugar!

I took a picture but it's very grainy.

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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Life is like a sugar daddy

I let him fuck me in the ass so he treats me good from time to time.

My ass is sore.

Did you hear about the truck full of sugar that collided with the truck full of strawberries?

Created one hell of a jam.

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

Starting a sugar daddy dating site for people into 80s music.

I'm calling it Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.

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Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

What do you call a dinosaur that ate too much sugar

Cankersaurus

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

I got two packs o' sugar...

Call me Two Canes

^I'm ^sorry.

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I'm not really rich enough to be a sugar daddy

But I got talking to this young girl and I sort of hinted that I could help her through college in exchange for a few favours. She looked me up and down as cool as you like and said, "Listen: the most I'm ever going to do for a sad old creep like you is let you undo my shirt once or twice a week. An...

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Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar?

Demerara


Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

My daughter asked me what a sugar daddy was.

I gave her £2000 to never ask me that again.

The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"

The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American redneck, not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

I just found out that 10 fl oz of orange juice has 28g of sugar

Who knew that OJ is the real killer

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

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