I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

You know when people muddle berries and preserve them with sugar?

That’s my jam.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar?

Demerara

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I once had a sugar daddy

It was nothing wierd. My father had type II diabetes.

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

A man flags down a waitress at a diner...

"Hi... could I get a coffee please?"

"Of course... how do you take it?"

"Sugar, no cream"

"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like it without milk instead?"

I've found that I'm a lot happier

Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the vodka.

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

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What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

A man advertises in the paper "help wanted"

"need someone with a keen eye for detail for touch up of property."

The next day, he gets a call from a lady enquiring about about the position. She arrives later that day and he's floored by her beauty: blonde, leggy, bodacious.

She asks him "what's needing done, sugar?"

He rep...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

My daddy loves sugar so much

He eats it through his nose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?

A splenda daddy.

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

If you put sugar in tea ..

what do you put in sugar ?





A spoon.


Note: not sure if its a repost , heard it from a friend who loves jokes of this sort.

Roses are red, sugar is sweet,

A huge controversy starts
just with a tweet

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

Make a wish !!

1st blonde: "What are those things you blow to make a wish ?"

2nd blonde: "Sugar Daddies."

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory...

until his position was dissolved.

My kids are like powdered sugar

Because they're honor roll!

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

If I have high blood sugar,

Am I a sweet-heart?

"excuse me, is this sugar free?"

**Cashier:** No. You have to pay for it.

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

An angry customers walks back in a donut shop.

He says to the worker:


"Why isn't my donut glazed?!


The worker respond:


"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

Roses are red

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And so are you.

The roses have wilted

The violets are dead

The sugar bowl's empty

And so is your head.

You're fat, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it...

Otherwise you might end up eating that too

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.

The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

I saw the face of Jesus in my bowl of sugar!

I took a picture but it's very grainy.

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a sugar daddy

I let him fuck me in the ass so he treats me good from time to time.

My ass is sore.

If ice cream were to come from a sugar cow, where would money come from?

A sugar daddy.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

What do rappers like to add to their coffee?

Two pack sugar.

Why do bakeries in Denmark add so much sugar to their pastries?

If they didn't, they would be sweetish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

What do you call a dinosaur that ate too much sugar

Cankersaurus

A guy named Jean has been out drinking

Jean has had a few drinks and is pulled over by a police officer thirty minutes into his drive home from the bar.

The police officer says to Jean: “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyser test.”

Jean replies: “I can’t.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Jean: “I’m asthmatic....

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

I tried to come up with a pun for flour and sugar but I forgot.

I'll have to sift through my mind to find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

My daughter asked me what a sugar daddy was.

I gave her £2000 to never ask me that again.

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

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