UPJOKE
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I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.

I'm ambi-dextrose.

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

How do you call it, when a sugar daddy falls in love with a girl?

Candy Crush.

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

Donald and Melania Trump are actually a very sweet couple.

He's her sugar daddy, and she's his arm candy.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

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cruise ship

There was a couples only cruise. Hundreds of people were on board. Unfortunately, the ship capsized, killing everyone on board.

At the pearly gates, the first couple approaches St. Peter, asking to be admitted into heaven. St. Peter refused to admit the husband, saying:

*"You loved su...

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

I once had a sugar daddy

It was nothing wierd. My father had type II diabetes.

Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar?

Demerara

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"

At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be si...

A man orders coffee with no cream and no sugar.

After a few minutes, the waitress comes back and says, "we're out of cream. What about no milk?"

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

What's the difference between powdered sugar and cocain?

Exaclty, said Rasputin.

Charles III

Charles: *orders* GET ME A F’ing CUP OF TEA! Two Sugar. Asap.

Servant: *mumbles* who died and made you King..!?

Three moles are in a narrow tunnel heading to the royal bakery

The first one says, "I smell sugar."


The second says, "I smell cinnamon."


The third one says, "I smell molasses."

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike. Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself" The woman goe...

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What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

I'm a pretty badass sugar daddy myself...

I have diabetes and 3 kids.

My wife and I were talking about obscure animals.

She said, "I want to get a manatee."


"That's very generous," I replied, "no cream, no sugar please hun!"

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

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Dill Bread Recipe

This old recipe was handed down to us from Aunt Gladys. The secret is her great dill dough. All the ladies in the Church Choir always rave about Aunt Gladys great dill dough.

Ingredients
1 package (1/4 ounce) active dry yeast ...

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
“Would you like some sugar, sugar?”

The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
“Would you like some honey, honey?”

The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
“Would you like some milk, yo...

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

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If life gives you lemons…

you better hope it gives you sugar and water too because otherwise lemonade tastes like shit.

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

Today I was so bored that I put a bit of sugar right in front of an ant.

The ant spent some good minutes eating the sugar, as it left to call his other ant friends, I cleaned it up so they would think she's lying.

If I have high blood sugar,

Am I a sweet-heart?

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

3 moles were shuffling down a tunnel, when the first one says

"hmmm, I smell honey!"

The second one twitches his nose and says "mmm I'm not sure sure.. It smells more like sugar to me!"

The third mole wrinkles his nose... "nope, it's definitely molasses!"

If you put sugar in tea ..

what do you put in sugar ?





A spoon.


Note: not sure if its a repost , heard it from a friend who loves jokes of this sort.

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Rejected porn titles. ( You can do this in the comments too. )

The grim deeper

Hole-y enlightenment

Sesame street after dark

Johnny johnny needs his sugar and milk

"excuse me, is this sugar free?"

**Cashier:** No. You have to pay for it.

My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory...

until his position was dissolved.

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A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

My kids are like powdered sugar

Because they're honor roll!

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I always wanted to be a sugar daddy....

...turns out I only have the money for being some sort of artificial sweetener daddy.

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.

The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"

The man on the table t...

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Why do we shake the sugar bag before opening it?

Because if we did it after, it would be scattered all over the fucking place.

You're fat, and I'm not gonna sugar coat it...

Otherwise you might end up eating that too

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

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What happens when you sit in sugar for too long?

You get an anal cavity.

Mayonnaise

In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.

But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

How do diabetics measure their sugar intake?

By the foot.

What are those things you blow and your wish comes true?

Oh yeah… sugar daddies…

The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

I want to treat the roads with sugar instead of salt

This way, you know... Everyone can have a sweet ride

How to sell sugar for 100$ per pack?

Call it homeopathy.

Where did Harry Styles go to school?

Watermelon Sugar High

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

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Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

Sugar Shorts . . .

A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down of...

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