UPJOKE
fruiteggplantzucchinicherry tomatoberrypumpkinvegetabletomato plantlove appleapplecucumberpineapplewatermelonceleryonion

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

Why did the tomato lose the race?

He couldn’t ketchup in time.

What did the tomato say to the sad pickle?

"What's the big dill?"

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A restaurant worker was caught with his penis in the tomato slicer.

Both were fired on the spot.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

What do you call a fragrant Tomato?

A roma

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

Why did the tomato turn red...?

It saw the salad dressing

Tomato cake

A boy started going to a cake store everyday and asks the baker:


“Do you have tomato cake?”


“That’s an odd choice of cake, no we don’t”


“Ok”. Replies the boy in disappointment.

Every day this happens.

One day the baker felt sorry for the boy, got creat...

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato."

Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."

Why did the tomato refuse to get on the Subway sandwich?

Because it didn't want to be part of a sub-culture.

The inventor of autocorrect died

The funnel will be held tomato.

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Pasta joke: what sauce contains tomato, garlic, olives, capers, anchovies and a despotic lunatic?

Putinesca

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

Where does the tomato and pasta go to dance?

At the Meat Ball

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

How do you fix a broken tomato?

With tomato paste.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

Why could the tomato outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable!

Tomato paste is pretty viscous

I guess it’s not very fast paste

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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

Why is the tomato red?

Because it's angry that it can't ride a bicycle.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

A young boy wants to buy a tomato...

He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."

Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.

"How much for this little one, here?" h...

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

A tomato agreed to a date with a mushroom after much persuasion.

Halfway through, the mushroom was pretty miserable and she finally said “I didn’t know we were so different and you were so boring else I would have never asked you out.”

To which the tomato replied, “Well, I never said I was a fungi.”

My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

So there’s 3 tomato’s ..

... Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'

Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No

A tomato walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and little tomato, are walking down the street. little tomato is walking a little slow so pap walks up and says...

ketchup.

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

Why did the Redditor turn red?
He was angry about the repost he expected to find when he clicked on this thread

What looks like a half tomato?

The other half

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

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