What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

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The secret code

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!"

"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"

Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato to...

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

Look a pig

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

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The Tomato Garden

An elderly man lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Michael, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Michael,
I am feeling p...

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

Crushed a tomato in between my legs

I made pico de thigh-o

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."


From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and...

Vegetable puns make me feel good

from my head tomatoes.

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A man walks into a Spanish restaurant

An American man walks into a Spanish restaurant and sits down. As he is sat there he sees lots of bull heads on the walls and costumes of matadors in the restaurant.

The waiter walks past and the American asks him “why do you have all these pictures and bulls heads up?”

The Spanish wa...

Little Billy's mom took him to the grocery store.

In the middle of the cereal aisle little Billy yelled out "Mom I have to PEE!"

All the other women smirked and looked judgementally at Billy's mom as her face turned red as a tomato. She pulled her son close.

"Listen little Billy, I never want you to say that again. Next time you need ...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

What's the difference between knowledge and wisdom ?

Knowledge is knowing tomatoes are a fruit.

Wisdom is not to put tomatoes in a fruit salad.

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A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup!


.. im so sorry

Two tomatoes finally reunite after a long time...

They catch up.

“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother could never find a good job because he takes his job to seriously..

This one job he picked up was a door to door salesman selling vacuums in an new estate. so he goes to the first house and knocks on the door. A lady opens the door and he throws shit inside all in the new carpet and says,
“Lady if this vacuum doesn’t suck up That shit, I’ll eat it!” And she repli...

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

Scooby Doo hates Roma Tomatoes.

He told me he was romophobic.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes.

They both haven't got any meat to them

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "mustard!" No wait. Fuck, I forgot how it goes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We all accept that tomato is a fruit

So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads?

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

"Should I be concerned about eating genetically modified tomatoes?"

Tomato: "No"

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

A Daddy tomato and a Baby tomato were walking down the street...

...when all of a sudden, Baby tomato started to fall behind, so Daddy tomato turned to Baby tomato and said "Ketchup!"

(I'm really sorry)

Why could the tomatoe outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shitty pun

In an Irish home while the father was cooking, the mom finished doing the laundry and asked the father if he needed help.The father then says that he is done and hands her a knife for her to chop the tomatoes for the salad, but she drops the knife that ended up on her foot.
As the son rushed to...

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