What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

How do you fix a broken tomato?

With tomato paste

Why did the tomato blush?

It saw the salad dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

What did Momma Tomato say to Baby Tomato?

Why won't you ketchup?

I think I thought of this joke when my mom was walking too fast for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube?

Friction till fruition.

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

What looks like a half tomato?

The other half

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why could the tomato outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable!

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."


From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

Two tomatoes finally reunite after a long time...

They catch up.

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

Scooby Doo hates Roma Tomatoes.

He told me he was romophobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

viagra

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get yo...

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

Wife: If they have tomatoes eggs or bread, get them. Programmer husband comes home empty handed. Wife: What happened?

Husband: They had tomatoes and bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "mustard!" No wait. Fuck, I forgot how it goes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way...

I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.

It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.

I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.

So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket.

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket. He gives the cashier his groceries. 1 chicken breast, 1 potato, 1 carrot, 1 tomato, 1 bread roll, and 1 beer.

The cashier asks "are you single?"

He says "yes, how did you know?"

She replies "you are really ugly!"

A tomato agreed to a date with a mushroom after much persuasion.

Halfway through, the mushroom was pretty miserable and she finally said “I didn’t know we were so different and you were so boring else I would have never asked you out.”

To which the tomato replied, “Well, I never said I was a fungi.”

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret code

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!"

"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"

Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato to...

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

A Daddy tomato and a Baby tomato were walking down the street...

...when all of a sudden, Baby tomato started to fall behind, so Daddy tomato turned to Baby tomato and said "Ketchup!"

(I'm really sorry)

“waiter waiter! what am I eating?”

“It’s called the Tomato Surprise” replies the waiter

“But I don’t see any tomatoes?”

“That’s the surprise”

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

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