This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

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I can't read a fucking word now.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

What do you say to a slow tomato?

Ketch up!

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We all accept that tomato is a fruit

So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

A tomato agreed to a date with a mushroom after much persuasion.

Halfway through, the mushroom was pretty miserable and she finally said “I didn’t know we were so different and you were so boring else I would have never asked you out.”

To which the tomato replied, “Well, I never said I was a fungi.”

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

So there’s 3 tomato’s ..

... Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tomato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and ...

A tomato family is walking down the road...

when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"

A Daddy tomato and a Baby tomato were walking down the street...

...when all of a sudden, Baby tomato started to fall behind, so Daddy tomato turned to Baby tomato and said "Ketchup!"

(I'm really sorry)

Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

My neighbor grows the largest tomatos in town

I ask him how he does it and he told me that every morning he walk around naked and it makes the tomatos blush. he said i should try it.
when the harvest came he asked me how it went and I told him “It didn't help the tomatos, but I have the largest cucumbers in town”

You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

Uh, hi. Yeah, I'll have a six-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on Honey Oat, please. No, thanks, no double meat or cheese. Yeah, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers, and..."

*checks phone* Oh, shoot. Wrong sub.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A young boy wants to buy a tomato...

He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."

Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.

"How much for this little one, here?" h...

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion

"I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?" asked the first one.

"There must be" said the second one, "let's ask the waiter."

When the waiter came by, they asked him, "Do you have any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He retu...

The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation

"Lettuce pray"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheese cheese, tomato tomato

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The young...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

Jokes for 6 year olds?

I am looking for some jokes for kids (6-8) year olds.

For example:

* Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them. The other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

* Two raindrops were falling from the sky, busy talking together whe...