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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing!!!

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Tomato paste is pretty viscous

I guess it’s not very fast paste

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

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What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube?

Friction till fruition.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

What looks like a half tomato?

The other half

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

Why could the tomato outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable!

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

Three guys just met eachother and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I am a Redditor."

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

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The Blind Man and Matzo

It was Passover in New York. Moishe decided to have his lunch in Central Park because the day just looked beautiful. So his wife, Becky, packed him tomato soup and a bit of matzo with his lunch.

Lunch time rolls around and Moishe finds a park bench to enjoy his meal. All of a sudden, a blind ...

What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

A man goes to work at a grocery store.

The man isn't too bright, so they give him a job a grocer. All is going well, until a boy runs up to him and asks how much the tomatoes cost.

The man, baffled, says, "I don't know." He realizes that he just lost a customer to his incompetence. He goes to his boss for help.

His boss g...

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Heard this a while ago, just wanted to share it with y’all

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The young...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup!


.. im so sorry

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

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Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

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What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

Two tomatoes finally reunite after a long time...

They catch up.

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

Scooby Doo hates Roma Tomatoes.

He told me he was romophobic.

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

Why did the green tomato lose the race

It couldn't ketchup

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "mustard!" No wait. Fuck, I forgot how it goes.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

A Daddy tomato and a Baby tomato were walking down the street...

...when all of a sudden, Baby tomato started to fall behind, so Daddy tomato turned to Baby tomato and said "Ketchup!"

(I'm really sorry)

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

What did the tomato say to its valentine?

I love you from my head tomato.

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