Why was the tomato blushing?

He saw the salad dressing.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man living alone in Sussex wanted to plant his annual tomato garden...

...but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and lamented his predicament:

*Dear Paul,*

*I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato gar...

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Use "TOMATOES" to win a girl's heart?

I love you from my head TOMATOES.

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tomato's are chilling in the fridge

The first one says "Dang, its kind of cold in here"

The second one backs away, and says "Holy shit its a talking tomato"

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

The inventor of auto-correct has died

his funnel is tomato

Where does the tomato and pasta go to dance?

At the Meat Ball

Three tomatoes are walking down the street..

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.

Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.

Papa goes back and squishes baby and says:

"Ketchup."

Why is the tomato red?

Because it's angry that it can't ride a bicycle.

Two tomatoes were crossing a road..

One of them looked at the other and said: "Hey, you screwed up the joke!"

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

How do you fix a broken tomato?

With tomato paste.

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ice cream .
Ice cream who?
Ice cream so you can hear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

What did the lettuce say to the tomato?

Lettuce be friends.

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tomatoes crossed the road..

While they were crossing a speeding car came around the corner.

The second tomato leaped on to the sidewalk and just managed to get out of the way.

The first tomato came up to him and said.
What the fuck dude, you ruined the joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

Tomato paste is pretty viscous

I guess it’s not very fast paste

A tomato walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube?

Friction till fruition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Why could the tomato outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable!

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

What's red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

You have something ? I want the other.

A father regularly sends his son to the fruit/vegetable market. Every time the child goes to the market he asks the owner:

"Do you have tomatoes ?", the owner replies "yes". The child then asks him for a kilo of cucumber.

"Do you have apple ?", the owner replies "yes". The child then ...

What looks like a half tomato?

The other half

My top 5 favourite vegetables

1. Tomato
2. Lettuce

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

You say tomato, I say tomato

But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Error: Passwords don’t match

“Ok.. Milk..check! Eggs...check! Tomatoes.... check!”

“Sir, would you please stop writing separate checks for every single item?”

Why did the people in the race wait for the tomato? (first joke I ever made as a kid)

So it could catch up.

Two Tomatoes out jogging when one trips and falls....

T1 : “ Grab my Heinz and I’ll help you up!”
T2 : “ Nah, you go on ahead and I’ll Ketchup!”

What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

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