What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don't know lettuce sea.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce?

He’s more of a rocket man

Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch?

He was making a seizure salad.



....I’ll see myself out.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom’

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom.’

The doctors says ‘okay, let me have a look.’

After a brief examination the doctor says to the patient. ‘Well sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg’

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

Never ask Jeffery Dahmer for lettuce

He doesn't have any loose leaf


But he always has a head in the fridge

How does lettuce listen to music?

Headphones

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

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Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

I Walk Into A Bar

I sit down and ask the bartender for a drink.

He gets me a drink and I drink it.

Then I pay him and walk out.

I then get in my car and drive to the supermarket.

I arrive at the supermarket and get out of my car.

I go up to the entrance and grab a shopping cart...

Q: What did the Vegetarian Preacher say to his church?

A: Lettuce pray!

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

Anniversary dinner

A husband takes his wife out to dinner for their anniversary. They both order lobster and a salad.
After a few bites of her salad the wife started holding her mouth as if in pain. The husband asks whats wrong? She said "This salad is extremely cold!" The husband replied "Of course, it's made wi...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

What’s the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700’s?

You don’t cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce pause this joke for a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

Dad joke

Does anyone else eat lettuce after you kill it or just hide the romaines?

It's traditional to have have a salad on your wedding night.

Lettuce be seen without dressing.

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

A friend of mine has never had Mexican before....

So I took him to a nearby food truck that had a delicious assortment of options. He went up to the food truck owner.

Friend: Hi I have never had Mexican before. I was wondering if you can describe what some of these are.

Food truck owner: Certainly sir! Which would you like to know ab...

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

Daily puns until I get a relationship #2

A tomato and a head of lettuce we’re having a race. The tomato was not very fast, so he was far behind.

One of the spectators said to his friend: “Lettuce hope that the tomato will ketchup to the lettuce, or else my wife will win the bet and I will have to give her head.”

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

So I went to see the Dr. he asks: “And what seems to be the problem?"

A little embarrassed, I replied “ Well I seem to have a small lettuce leaf growing out of my back passage Dr!"

At which point he instructed me to drop my trousers while he had a quick look.

“Mmmm . . . I’m afraid I’m going to have to call an ambulance and have you rushed into hospital...

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

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