Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

What did the lettuce say to the tomato?

Lettuce be friends.

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves

today was the tip of the iceberg

What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?

Seizure Salad

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

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Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce pause this joke for a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends

So I went to see the Dr. he asks: “And what seems to be the problem?"

A little embarrassed, I replied “ Well I seem to have a small lettuce leaf growing out of my back passage Dr!"

At which point he instructed me to drop my trousers while he had a quick look.

“Mmmm . . . I’m afraid I’m going to have to call an ambulance and have you rushed into hospital...

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

What's the coldest salad made with

Iceberg lettuce

What’s the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700’s?

You don’t cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

What did the priest say to the salad?

Lettuce pray

I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ?

Lettuce Pray.

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

How to catch a rabbit

Hide in the bushes and try to sound like a lettuce

[Titanic, 1912]

**Captain:** what kind of lettuce do you want on your sandwich?

**First mate:** ICEBERG!

**Captain:** lol... no need to shout, Dave.

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

What do christian vegans hunt?

Lettuce prey

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

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