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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

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I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

What’s the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700’s?

You don’t cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

We are in search of fresh vegetable puns.

Please lettuce know

what do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

chicken caesar salad

Farming vegetables can get hectic at times,

lettuce romaine calm.

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

What do priests and cabbage perfumes have in common?

Lettuce spray

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

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Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass.

Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc?

Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in.

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

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I trapped a couple vegans in my basement

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf​!'

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A man and woman are having sex

As soon as the man climbs on top of his wife he finishes and quickly exclaims that she go make him something to eat.

His wife leaves and shortly comes back with a bowl of lettuce and a plate of carrots.

The man, obviously shocked at the "meal" asks her what the hell this is supposed to...

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Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

A man walks into a deli

A man walks into a deli with his pet snake. The cashier looks at him, shocked.

She says, “Wow! What kind if snake is that? It’s beautiful!” The man replies, with pride, “It’s an anaconda, straight from Bolivia!”

The cashier begins the mans order. “What can I get you?”, she asks.
...

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”

The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piec...

What did the religious salad say?

Lettuce pray

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Wanna hear a killer joke?

A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce.

Me: "Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere."

A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal.

So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

I'm sick of people freaking out about this bad lettuce

If everyone can romaine calm that would be greatly appreciated

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad!

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

We are on a lettuce diet...

Lettuce eat what we want.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

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