Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

what do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

chicken caesar salad

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

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Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

What do you get when you throw an epileptic into a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she would like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

We are in search of fresh vegetable puns.

Please lettuce know

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

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I trapped a couple vegans in my basement

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf​!'

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

What do priests and cabbage perfumes have in common?

Lettuce spray

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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A man and woman are having sex

As soon as the man climbs on top of his wife he finishes and quickly exclaims that she go make him something to eat.

His wife leaves and shortly comes back with a bowl of lettuce and a plate of carrots.

The man, obviously shocked at the "meal" asks her what the hell this is supposed to...

A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”

The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piec...

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back...

There is only one vegetable righteous enough to face judgement day and for good reason!

Lettuce pray.

Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

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