UPJOKE
saladromaine lettucecabbageromainespinachsproutsveggiesdoughvegetablekalecucumbericebergcospotatoescarrots

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves

today was the tip of the iceberg

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
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A man asked how much half a head of lettuce costs.

A guy is working at a grocery store when a man approaches him, asking how much half a head of lettuce costs. After some arguing, the worker goes to his manager and says, "Boss, some jackass wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

They turn around and see that the customer has followed them to ...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees-a-salad

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a Rocket Man

It’s my birthday, enjoy my current favourite joke!!

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken caesar salad

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

>!a seizure salad!<

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

Lettuce!

What lettuce do you eat at a swimming pool? >!Endives.!<

What lettuce do you find in the Arctic? >!Iceberg.!<

What lettuce do you eat in the Colosseum? >!Romaine.!<

What lettuce do people with curly hair eat? >!Frisée!<

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

I decided to name the lettuce that outlasted Liz Truss

Wiltin’ Churchill

Apparently there's a lettuce shortage.

Hopefully we can all romaine calm.

What do you call a head of lettuce thats religious?

A romaine Catholic

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

‘Are you stalking me?’

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

What do you call a bin full of lettuce?

The tip of the iceburg.

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner.

My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don't know lettuce sea.

Beep beep lettuce

Yesterday I ran into my ex,




Then I backed up and ran over her again

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce?

Saladin

How does lettuce listen to music?

Headphones

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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.

He just applied a dressing and sent me home.

O just bought a lettuce from our local store, called "Momma's and Poppa's". I can't eat it though

All the leaves are brown.

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise on me"!

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few d...

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it's a lost cos.

Did you hear about the plate full of salads that was sent to the wrong table?

Lettuce tray was led astray.

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

I'm sick of people freaking out about this bad lettuce

If everyone can romaine calm that would be greatly appreciated

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

lettuce jokes

thought I would make up some jokes about lettuce. Just cos

I thought that joke was as bad as the titanic which hit an iceburg

But clearly you guys thought it was a little gem

Unfortunately no more lettuce jokes Romaine

So I'm gonna leaf

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back...

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

Why did the lettuce blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?

Lettuce

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

What do ancient civilizations and lettuce recalls have in common?

The fall of the Romaine empire.

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy

Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.

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