What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass.

Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc?

Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg.

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

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Butterhead, celtuce, and leaf are all types of lettuce...

But thats just the tip of the iceberg.

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad...

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”

The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piec...

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

"Lettuce in."

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

What do you get when you throw an epileptic into a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

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A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

Elton John famously detests ice burg lettuce

He's more of a Rocket Man

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back...

Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

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