The 72+ Best Lettuce Jokes

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves

today was the tip of the iceberg

What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

I decided to name the lettuce that outlasted Liz Truss

Wiltin’ Churchill

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

Lettuce!

What lettuce do you eat at a swimming pool? >!Endives.!<

What lettuce do you find in the Arctic? >!Iceberg.!<

What lettuce do you eat in the Colosseum? >!Romaine.!<

What lettuce do people with curly hair eat? >!Frisée!<

Apparently there's a lettuce shortage.

Hopefully we can all romaine calm.

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

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So I took this girl home from the bar

And once we started getting down and dirty I noticed a bit of lettuce sticking out her arse. I said " you know you have a bit of lettuce sticking out your arse right?" And she replied "oh its just the tip of the iceberg"

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

Honeymoon Sandwich

I work in customer service and yesterday an old guy called just to share a joke with me and make me smile.

What's a honeymoon sandwich?

Lettuce alone with no dressing!

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch?

He was making a seizure salad.

....I’ll see myself out.

O just bought a lettuce from our local store, called "Momma's and Poppa's". I can't eat it though

All the leaves are brown.

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.

He just applied a dressing and sent me home.

Ingredients for a “Honeymoon Salad”

Lettuce alone without dressing.

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

‘Are you stalking me?’

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner.

My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don't know lettuce sea.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

Liz truss let her country down she let her party down

But most importantly she lettuce all down

Did you hear about the plate full of salads that was sent to the wrong table?

Lettuce tray was led astray.

What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce?

Saladin

No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce

They keep telling me it's a lost cos.

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

How does lettuce listen to music?

Headphones

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

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wifes vist to the Doctors.

The wife has just got back from the doctors after a night on kinky sex,

Asked her how it went.

Apparently She walked in with a bit of a limp and uneasily lowered her trousers to reveal a piece of lettuce hanging from her minge.

The doctor gaspsed in disbelief and said wi...

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

Beep beep lettuce

Yesterday I ran into my ex,

Then I backed up and ran over her again

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?

Romaine calm...

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy

Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What do ancient civilizations and lettuce recalls have in common?

The fall of the Romaine empire.

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A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,

"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."

The man, shocked, replies,

"Oh my god, is it serious?"

The doctor says,

"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

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