What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of le...

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

What do you get when you throw an epileptic into a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

I'm sick of people freaking out about this bad lettuce

If everyone can romaine calm that would be greatly appreciated

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?

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With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

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A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

Elton John famously detests ice burg lettuce

He's more of a Rocket Man

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

What do you call a bowl if lettuce with epilepsy problems?

Seizure salad.

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

Doctor doctor

A guy goes to the doctor.


'doctor' he says ' I think I've got a lettuce up my bum'

'bend over then and let me have a look' the doctor says.

The guy bends over and the doctor has a good look and a rummage around.

' I'm afraid that I think you're right ' he exclaimed, ...

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a supermarket to buy a half head of lettuce... (2 punch lines for the price of 1)

He goes up to a teenager stocking the shelves and asks, "I'm looking to buy a half-head of lettuce, do you have any?"
The teenager replies, "Not that I know of, let me go check in the back."
So, he goes into the back, finds his manager, and says, "Can you believe there's some fuckin' asshole...

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A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

Uh, hi. Yeah, I'll have a six-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on Honey Oat, please. No, thanks, no double meat or cheese. Yeah, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers, and..."

*checks phone* Oh, shoot. Wrong sub.

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

My father and I were at the grocery store and he told me "All he has to left to get is lettuce"

I asked him "Oh, is that all that romaines?"

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad

he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"

The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back...

I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please.

Oops. Wrong sub.

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I have a lettuce stuck up my ass

But it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,

"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."

The man, shocked, replies,

"Oh my god, is it serious?"

The doctor says,

"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

I just got subscription to a Magazine About lettuce...

...I mean, It's fun to leaf through, and full of crisp facts -*And that's just issue 1!* The publishers assure me that it's only the tip of the iceberg! Gee, I can't wait for issue 2 to see what facts romaine!