Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

If marijuana is the devil's lettuce

His salads must be dope

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A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet”

“Why the fuck is there a cabbage at this party?” thought the DJ

What do you call a rooster that stares at lettuce all day long?

Chicken sees a salad.

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Guy goes to the doctor cause he keeps shitting lettuce.

Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out his asshole.

Doctor is so disgusted, he can't but help tell dude how disgusting it is.

To which the guy replies....

...."Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce.

Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

What’s the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700’s?

You don’t cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...

Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

We lost our dog at the grocery store while buying vegetables

If you see him, lettuce know

It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.

What do christian vegans hunt?

Lettuce prey

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone...

Try to romaine calm.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

Okay, we get it, there is some bad lettuce going around...

Everyone just needs to romaine calm.

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

At the end of the day we are all human beans.

And together we will rice

Lettuce pray

Ramen

You have to lettuce go.

We don’t want to romaine here anymore.

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"Fuck it I don't care what they say I'm going to eat this lettuce!"

"Only the strong will *Romaine*!"

edit: 'will' not 'with' damn auto predict text , I TRUSTED you.

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Lettuce leave

Ashen faced Joe Smith goes to see his doctor.
“Doc I have a piece of lettuce coming out of my ass.”
The doctor gravely does an ass exam with much tut tutting, poking and prodding.
“What’s going on Doc? Is it serious?”
“Well Mr Smith. I have some bad news. Unfortunately, it’s just the t...

Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out

Cuz it was a bad romaine

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

A race between tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet

Tomato, lettuce, and tap faucet were having a race. The lettuce was a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What did the Romaine lettuce say to the other one after the outbreak?









































































Romaine calm...

What does a Christian rabbit say when it sees it's food?

Lettuce pray.

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

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A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

With all the lettuce that’s being banned...

I guess we are seeing the second fall of the Romaine empire.

What did the Lettuce Father say to his Lettuce Family when they started on their road trip?

"Lettuce travel!"

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

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"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

Lettuce..

A: “Knock, knock.”

B: “Who’s there?”

A: “Lettuce.”

B: “Lettuce who?”

A: “Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

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Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

A farmer is harvesting his lettuce field and suddenly drops to the ground

His wife runs over and screams; “I think he’s having a Caesar!”

If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

My grandma died when she was 72.

My grandpa buried her in the garden by the lettuce with the rest of her Romaines.

A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

Dennis lives in Washington DC, and is working as a dental assistant while he gets his degree in chemical engineering...

... He plays tennis every week with his professor, but is always playing pranks and getting into trouble during their matches.

One fine day in late April, after their weekly tennis match, Dennis and his professor are walking past the White House when they see through the raggedy old fence tha...

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