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Sticks Jokes

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Rufus likes sticks

I was in the park the other day with my dog Rufus, trowing sticks and what not.
He was just as happy as a dog can be so I asked him.

"Rufus! What is it you like so much about sticks?"

He turned around a looked at me straight in the eye like he could not understand th...

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "Abo...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches.

Due to sand-witches

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Stupid people are like glow sticks.

I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

People who use Selfie Sticks.....

Really need to take a good long look at themselves!

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

You can tell dogs jokes about fetching sticks!

It's great because they get it!

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

Two Sticks went on a date but there weren't any sparks.

It was bad Match.

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....

I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood ...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

What do you call a bird that sticks to things?

A 'vel'crow

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

Sticks float

They would

How come dogs can't throw sticks very far?

Because they're sticky.

Making Fish Sticks

A young boy and his Mother are walking to school one day, when they come across two dogs going at it. Being at such a curious age, the boy asks his Mother what they were doing. Not wanting to ruin his innocence, she tells him that they are making Fish Sticks and they then continue on their journey.<...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

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Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use?

2B, or not 2B.

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Glue Sticks...

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."I thought, "No shit."

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick

She still isn’t talking to me.

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

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We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

What do you call a bird that sticks to trees?

Velcrow.

(Thanks and credit to u/HRduffNstuff for rewording my original post :))

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Man sticks finger into electrical socket...

What happens next will shock you.

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What’s the difference between sticks and dicks?

S T D

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

What do you call the wizard that sticks to the wall?

Harry Poster

A Roman walks into a bar and sticks two fingers up

He says to the bartender “five beers please.”

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A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so...

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