How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?

Fry-day

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

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No Potatoes

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potato...

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

What do you call potatoes grown in a cellar?

Pommes Fritzl

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

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Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

one of them has a sticker that says idaho

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes


_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to potatoes?

A mashochist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.



“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”



The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.



The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes...

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

A potato had 3 daughters

When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”

Father potato asked to whom?

“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.

Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman rob a bank

They each escape the bank with a large sack of money but are being chased by the police. They turn down an alley way but it's a dead end and they decide that jumping in the sacks of money is their best chance of not being arrested.
Three police officers finally catch up and just see the three sac...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

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