How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

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Three potatoes were standing on a street corner.

Which one was the prostitute?

The one stamped "Idaho."

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

If I bring potatoes in my luggage to Ireland

Is that smuggling or reparations?

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes


_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die

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My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to potatoes?

A mashochist.

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

They keep their eyes peeled...

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Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.

One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.

The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"

"These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles." replied the first woman.

"Oh, that big?" said the second woman.

"No, that dirty."

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

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My wife died while getting potatoes from the pantry in the basement.

Him: My wife died today.

Friend of him: Oh my god! That's tragic, I am so sorry! How did that happen?!

Him: She was cooking and needed potatoes, so she went to the pantry in the basement to get some. Then she fell down the stairs.

Friend of him: Wow. And what did you do after th...

Two potatoes were walking together down the street

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doc...

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What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"

SAW - "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"

FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:

"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. ...

Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, '...

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes?

Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

In a room full of potatoes, which one is the most likely to sleep with you?

The one that says 'Idaho'.

A boy is selling fish on a corner..

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

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Potatoes

Two Amish women were digging potatoes in the field one day. Bessie pulled out two huge ones. she turned to Sara and said "Ya know Sara, these potatoes remind me of my Jakies balls." "Why you mean that.. Jakies balls are that big?" asked Sara. "No", replied Bessie, "they're that dirty."

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

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What do you call bossy mashed potatoes?

Dicktaters.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

How do the British call chips made from GMO potatoes?

CRISPRs

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty d...

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