How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man

None

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

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No Potatoes

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potato...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

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Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

one of them has a sticker that says idaho

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

What do you call potatoes grown in a cellar?

Pommes Fritzl

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes


_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

What would you call Peter Parker if he were made of potatoes?

Spuder-man

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

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My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She y...

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What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to potatoes?

A mashochist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is...

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

They keep their eyes peeled...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

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Two amish women are in a field harvesting potatoes.

One amish woman holds up two potatoes and sighs.

The other amish woman says "What's the matter?"

"These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles." replied the first woman.

"Oh, that big?" said the second woman.

"No, that dirty."

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

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My wife died while getting potatoes from the pantry in the basement.

Him: My wife died today.

Friend of him: Oh my god! That's tragic, I am so sorry! How did that happen?!

Him: She was cooking and needed potatoes, so she went to the pantry in the basement to get some. Then she fell down the stairs.

Friend of him: Wow. And what did you do after th...

Two potatoes were walking together down the street

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doc...

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What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, '...

Two Amish women are in the field picking potatoes...

The first Amish woman (FAW) pulls out an enormous potato from the field and says to the second (SAW), "Ohhh, this reminds me of Jacob's privates!"

SAW - "You mean Jacob's privates are that big?"

FAW - "No, but they're just as dirty!"

A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:

"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. ...

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes?

Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wi...

In a room full of potatoes, which one is the most likely to sleep with you?

The one that says 'Idaho'.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

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Potatoes

Two Amish women were digging potatoes in the field one day. Bessie pulled out two huge ones. she turned to Sara and said "Ya know Sara, these potatoes remind me of my Jakies balls." "Why you mean that.. Jakies balls are that big?" asked Sara. "No", replied Bessie, "they're that dirty."

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